Home→Forums→Relationships→Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by
Alexis.
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May 2, 2016 at 9:16 pm #103432
Brav3
ParticipantHi Budhha88,
My story is similar to yours, just less complicated. At the start she was all crazy about me, telling everyone about how good match we are and other BS. Then, she slowly start drifting from a girl who wants to be in relationship to a girl who wants to party and meet new guys. However, because I was so in love with her, I put aside my wants/needs and continued to accommodate her wants and needs. I ignored my gut feeling and inflicted harm on my self esteem.
After reflecting upon it with counselor, I realized that she manipulated me for her personal gains and then left like that I never existed in her life.
The biggest sign that you can find in NPD or manipulative person is that they have NO EMPATHY towards their victim. Normal people usually feel hurt and sad after breakup. But manipulative people or NPD have no empathy at all, no matter how old the relationship was.
With regards to coping, you need to understand that figuring out whether she was or wasn’t NPD isn’t going to help. In fact, it made it worse in my situation and that’s why I stopped going to counselor. The best thing to do is recognize your grief and pain, and instead of running from it, you dive in. With time acceptance and letting go will come and then you can work on forgiveness. Do not hesitate to cry or do no feel that you are weak. It takes courage to face your difficult emotions. I am still struggling with acceptance and letting go of my strong love for her after 3 months of break up.
May 3, 2016 at 4:39 am #103438Inky
ParticipantHi buddah88,
I totally agree 100% with Brav3’s first line in his last paragraph. NPD or not, sometimes people act like jerks or ARE jerks, and we try to make ourselves feel better by giving them a lay man’s diagnosis. Not to be flip, and this is not you, but do you know how many women label their ex as a Narcissist? Or “they must have have a Phobia for Commitment”, etc.
My dad has Bipolar Disorder (and is a Narcissist). He was diagnosed after flying into rages and almost bankrupting himself during his highs. The diagnosis comes for real when even the person afflicted knows that something is terribly, terribly wrong. On his medication he’s “fine”, but it is still “all about him” (Narcissism is often BPD’s twin).
Advice: If it’s NPD, move on. If it’s not, move on.
Sorry this is bad news.
Inky
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This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by
Inky.
May 3, 2016 at 8:01 am #103448Anonymous
GuestDear buddha88:
Your ex girlfriend was not born with a disorder: NPD. There is no gene with “NPD” on it. NPD like most mental diagnoses is a collection of symptoms, a collection put together by doctors, so to make therapy easier, as well as charge insurance company (they have to come up with a diagnosis so to put a dollar value to it).
And so, I agree with (one more of The Best of) Inky.
Your ex girlfriend’s behavior seems to be based on mental un- wellness and manipulation. She behaved at first loving and accommodating not because she loved you, but because she wanted you to love her. Once she accomplished her goal, she dropped the strategy of acting in loving and accommodating ways, and in so doing, her mental un-wellness was free to be seen (by you).
Lots and lots of people do this very manipulation. You have to be aware of it, examine people’s motivations. I used to be fascinated by diagnoses as well, as if there are answers in the label. Now I understand that true understanding is in seeing the basics of human behaviors.
anita
May 3, 2016 at 11:34 am #103461Buddha88
ParticipantAnita, thanks for your input, and the others as well. I agree that NPD is not a ‘born with’ disorder. I believe it was learned and conditioned by her environment and parents. She was pampered as a child and adolescent by her parents, she even admitted to me that her mom would defend her and plead her innocence even if she was guilty. Anytime we had an argument or confrontationn she would go into a rage and blame me for upsetting her and stressing her out, never took accountability for anything. Everything I did wasn’t good enough or nothe eight. It’s very sad to see someone suffer without doing anything to help besides move on.
May 3, 2016 at 12:17 pm #103462Anonymous
GuestDear buddha88:
There is something you can do to help suffering people who are also manipulative and not taking responsibility for their choices and actions: you allow them to experience the natural and reasonable consequences of their choices and actions.
It is people’s mistaken belief that they need to protect a person from consequences for his/ her actions. If a person abuses you, you end the relationship: this is a consequence. IF you continue the relationship, trying to please the abuser, you enforce their illness as well as making yourself ill.
Regarding her mother: her mother may have plead her daughter’s innocence when in conflict with other people, but when it came to conflict with herself, she (the mother) may not have been so “pampering.”
I am glad you started this thread, buddha88. Post anytime here or on a new thread.
anita
May 3, 2016 at 3:15 pm #103489Buddha88
ParticipantDear Inky- thanks for sharing. Yes, most people who suffer from NPD tend to be men, about 75% from what I have read and understood. To your point about your father, with rage, my ex girlfriend really started to show rage the last couple years of the relationship. Every time I tried to confront her or question her about why she was so got so angry/dramatic when there was a challenge, she would blow up at me, ignore me, yell/scream and storm out of my house. She would then be very cold towards me, no affection, no I love you etc. It literally drained my soul. Unfortunately, at the time, I didn’t realize these were possible symptoms of NPD, it made me feel like everything I was doing was wrong or just not right.
May 16, 2016 at 4:40 pm #104727Alexis
ParticipantMy father has NPD. Needless to say my childhood was a rocky, painful experience. I always knew something wasn’t quite right with him but I didn’t look into his condition until I was 18 and out of the house. The more I read about NPD the more sense I was able make of my childhood. The symptoms that go with it include depression, major mood changes, extreme fits of rage. It was almost as if he had different personalities depending on the day. I never knew what being around him would be like so naturally I didn’t trust him. I dreaded going home because he was emotionally abusive and degraded my sisters, my mother and I. There were days when he was easygoing and fun to be around but he was never a good father and this was the hardest aspect for me to accept. I’m 21 now and I’ve come a long way but I still have attachment issues. They reveal themselves every time I become romantically involved with someone and I get so worried that they’re going to leave me and that they don’t really care for me, so they leave. My advice when it comes to dealing with people with NPD is no contact. The only way they will get better is if the seek help themselves but this is highly unlikely…:(
May 16, 2016 at 8:36 pm #104750Anonymous
Guest* Dear anmill0365:
I hope you get a response on this thread, almost two weeks old. If you would like to start your own thread regarding this topic, please do and I will be glad to respond there.
anitaMay 16, 2016 at 8:57 pm #104751Alexis
ParticipantThanks Anita! I plan to do so when i have the time
June 13, 2017 at 5:36 am #152892racil
ParticipantI was so happy discovering this thread and not feeling alone in this. I am gone through a very similar experience to Budhaa88 but with my best friend. we had 2 years where i would describe the relationship with the word harmony. Everything was good , we used to work together , see each other everyday, we even traveled to several countries to gather. No red flag whatsoever.I was very happy and found my haven. Until one day we had a little argument and since that day EVERYTHING collapsed. I became very anxious feeling that i am losing my best friend . I fought with everything i could . But it was a hopeless case, the more i fought the more she became distant. She became cold and this left me in a very ugly situation. I tried to talk to her several times , i even apologized when i wasn’t wrong. Nothing would work . She will shout at me accusing me of being the weird person and that she is doing effort with me. Mind you that during this phase she was nice to every one but me. After several readings i came to the point where i can identify her as a covert narcissist. I am healing now. I just wonder what was happening during the first phase where everything was fine ? what was she thinking of ?
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