Narcissist, not a friend

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by Mishy.

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February 16, 2016 at 2:30 am #96155

Mishy
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I thought I had a friendship going with this person who was a real charmer to start with and I just recently realised that perhaps I’ve been a victim of a narcissist. I kept asking myself how someone could treat me this way if he was a friend and it’s all just fallen in place and I feel like an idiot. Although now I see much clearer, the rejection really stings.

This person appeared at a time I had an emotional void in my life a year ago (why the void is a whole other story). The attention and emotional connection gave me such a high but at the same time, he let me down so many times by saying he would do something and not do it, no explanations why, say let’s catch up but refuse to organise anything. We kept coming to the point when I said I was unhappy he kept doing this to me and he eventually said I was needy and we needed a break. That devastated me but I kept away for 2 months. It was horrible. I now know how getting over an addiction is like. When I thought I could deal with it and reached out again, the same things happened all over. He’d say something that would draw me back and think we were still friends and then treat me with an amazing lack of respect. Maybe he just didn’t want to be friends, but why not just ignore me? That would have been less painful.

I’ve never met anyone like that. I let my guard down because I thought we really got along. It’s hard to find friends these days and I have been struggling with loneliness. Clearly I’ve just been stupid. I’ve gone and read up so much on neediness, co-dependency, finding happiness on your own but I just cannot believe how people can treat people that way. 🙁

February 16, 2016 at 3:47 am #96156

HippieChick
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I’ve got a friend that is very similar and every time I see the definition I see so many of his characteristics. I also met him when I had an emotional void (that I didn’t even realize I had) and, oddly enough, he was going through an “emotional issue” as well. We’d talk frequently but the conversations were always on HIS terms and even when he was LISTENING to my problem he wasn’t, really. Now that we’re both settled we only talk occasionally.

I basically just accept that he is who he is and I give up any expectations that he’ll behave any differently. He has his good points and can be fun to be around but our friendship is definitely more superficial. I’d recommend accepting who he is and backing up a bit. He’ll never be a CLOSE, reliable friend from what you’re saying and to expect it is to just set yourself up for constant disappointment.

February 16, 2016 at 4:06 am #96157

Inky
Participant

Hi Mishy,

And to top it all off, they do not see themselves as narcissists! Even if he is just being a jerk to you specifically on purpose, you don’t even need to label him. You just need to know that this guy is not where it’s at! It’s almost like we read articles about narcissists to feel better in a weird way. I know it’s hard, but totally move on.

Blessings,

Inky

February 16, 2016 at 5:42 am #96158

Mishy
Participant

Thanks for the responses. I just deleted his number from my phone again for the umpteenth time now and hope I have the willpower to stay away. Although now I am torn between what Tami is saying to accept him for what he is and still be in contact for any fun that’s left in it or just leave this forever.

I’ve stressed, fretted and even wondered if I was depressed over this relationship and I reckon he probably doesn’t even care how I feel. He’s got lots of other friends and doesn’t need me in his life. Perhaps similar to Tami, I was there as support when he lost his job a year ago but now there’s nothing in it for him anymore.

February 16, 2016 at 7:18 am #96162

Rosemarie
Participant

Hi Mishy, I’m really grateful to be reading this because I too have had friends, men and women that are like that who have come and gone in my life. When I have times like I am right now where I have a lot of time on my hands and if I don’t keep busy learning or doing something, they seem to just pop up out of no where. I have accepted them as they are ‘finally’ and I thank you for writing this. I’m reminded every time when I see others share that it’s not just me.

February 16, 2016 at 9:30 pm #96246

dreaming715
Participant

Mishy, your friend sounds a lot like someone I recently was close to (but what we had recently ended).

Every interaction with him felt like getting a hit of a drug. I was filling a void and the things he would say to me “filled” that void. Unfortunately, things were one-sided in our relationship and he came and went as he pleased. The last time I heard from him was almost 2 weeks ago. He said we’d meet for coffee one last time and I could give him his things back. I texted him two days ago to set a time to meet and he never responded. At this point I don’t think he will because he’s unfortunately done this before. Just like you, I’ve deleted his number from my phone several times. It’s hard. I think about him multiple times per day, but this isn’t a healthy relationship.

I believe life is too short to invest energy in relationships that leave you feeling sad, confused, or unfulfilled. A real friend helps you grow as a person and genuinely cares for you. That’s what I believe anyway.

February 17, 2016 at 1:35 am #96256

Mishy
Participant

dreaming715, our stories are so similar…so many of these types must roam the earth and for some reason pop up in our lives. I had wanted to be that real friend for him as he seemed lost in life too and perhaps we’d give each other support along the way but it was one-sided on my part. I know there are things we can learn from these experiences and grow to be stronger people but it is a tough way to learn.
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