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  • April 17, 2018 at 5:21 pm #202907
    LifeUnravelled
    Participant

    I’m new here, looking for a supportive ear, maybe a place to think out loud, get some honest perspective. I think I’ve exhausted all of my personal options, aside from my therapist.

    I am almost 40. Divorced. 3 teenage kids. Mourning the erosion of the only relationship I’ve had since my marriage of 18 years.

    I have been with this man on and off for the past 2.5 years or so. We briefly lived together, which ended in a lot of hurt and pain. We’ve been trying to make it work, but it just isn’t. It feels like a merry-go-round, a roller coaster of emotions. Almost surreal.

    We spent more time apart than we do together and every other week is crippled by silence for one reason or another.

    What is most upsetting is that we promised to do things differently, to treat each other differently than what we had experienced in our marriages. That’s a laugh and a half, if we’re being honest.

    I am not perfect and I carry a lot of emotional scars that have affected me in this relationship. I’ve been very honest and open about them and my partner is supportive in theory, when I’m referring to my marriage. But when I try to share my feelings with him about things that go on in our relationship, he is dismissive and avoidant. I promised myself that I would never put myself in another relationship where I felt like I didn’t matter…and yet, here I am.

    My logical brain knows what’s best. I do. Anyone would. I would tell my daughters to run if this was their relationship and I would advise my friends the same. So why can’t I follow my own advice? I’ve been pondering this for the better part of a year, crying, and driving myself crazy over it all…WHY? Why can’t I let go? Why am I having such a hard time accepting the truth? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m smart, in tune with myself and my emotions, and I try to be in tune with the people I surround myself with. I’m not an idiot, so why is this so hard???

    April 17, 2018 at 5:41 pm #202913
    Mark
    Participant

    LifeUnravelled,

    I have heard from the wisdom of therapists and learned from my own life that jumping into another relationship after a long term one (for me it was a 20+ year marriage) does not work.  You/I needed to learn to be able to stand on my own two emotional/relational feet without having someone else in my life, i.e. live on my own without dating.

    Plus another thing I learned for myself is to never live with someone until I get married.  I see living together w/o marriage is a half relationship.  It does make a difference when two people are married living together versus two people who are not married.

    What is most telling about what you shared is that the time together for you and your man is the silence.

    I assume that you are no longer living together.  I wonder what your therapist is saying?  I assume that s/he is telling you the reasons why you cannot walk away, whether it is fear/insecurity/loneliness…  In some ways it does not matter since you still are not able to sever the relationship.

    It is not only being able to tell your daughters what to do (how old are they?) but also SHOWING them what to do.  We teach our children by example not so much by what we tell them.  They see you staying in a relationship what is not healthy.  They will probably choose men like their dad or your current partner because of what you have done.  If that does not motivate you then I don’t know what will.

    The additional way of addressing this stuckness is to work with your therapist on the “why” you cannot.  We can all speculate here online but you have this in person relationship with a skilled professional who knows you.  S/he can best help you on this.

    Mark

    April 17, 2018 at 5:53 pm #202919
    LifeUnravelled
    Participant

    You’re right Mark – showing my children what a healthy relationship looks like was the reason I left the marriage to begin with. The relationship their father and I had was not that. It was emotionally abusive and my kids saw that. I felt so strong, empowered, for leaving. I finished my university degree during that time, got a second degree, and now have a career that I’ve dreamt of for as long as I can remember.

    But I’ve never stood on my own two feet, except for a brief period after the separation. I went from being a teenager who lived at home with my parents, to someone’s wife, and then to being a mother. But never on my own.

    My therapist(s) don’t have a lot of practical advice. One say “look at all you’ve achieved! You’re a wonderful mother and you’ve got a career! Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.” The other just listens.

    I live in a small city, therapy options are limited. I’ve seen several over the last handful of years. I have no close personal friends that live here, my closest friend lives miles away and I’m pretty sure I’ve exhausted her.

    I am scared. But mostly, I am sad. I never wanted or planned to divorce. People don’t get married to get divorced. That was supposed to be forever. It wasn’t. I met this man that appeared to be so different than my ex-husband, so emotionally connected, or so I thought. He is Mr. Unavailable and I wonder what happened to the man I met, the man I fell in love with.

    And when I look back, Mr. Unavailable is all I’ve ever known, my entire life.

    April 17, 2018 at 6:08 pm #202923
    LifeUnravelled
    Participant

    It feels like I would be leaving my marriage all over again and that took me years to work up the courage to do. It was pure agony and panic attacks in making that decision. That’s how it feels all over again.

    April 17, 2018 at 6:15 pm #202925
    Mark
    Participant

    LifeUnravelled,

    I am sorry about the pain you are experiencing again.  I encourage you to not to have any romantic relationships for a while in order to learn to be on your own.  I ignored this wisdom and left behind pain and squandered time.  It IS painful and lonely to do that but it is NECESSARY.  It some ways it is meditation in action but instead of sitting with yourself but you are living with yourself.  I don’t discount your fear but that acronym means False Evidence Appearing Real.  What is the worse case?  You will not die.  Your children will not die.  You can only find yourself and find ways of being self sufficient, emotionally and otherwise.  You will show your children how to be independent, stand up for themselves and face life.

    Make sense?

    Mark

    April 18, 2018 at 8:25 am #202993
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LifeUnravelled:

    It reads to me that you and this man bonded over your respective bad marriages that ended, that you bonded over what was wrong in those marriages, but did not create together what is right in a relationship.

    It is always easier to see what is wrong over there (in those marriages) than it is to see what is wrong right here (in the present relationship). At least it was so for him. Am I understanding correctly?

    I think that it is very difficult for you to let it go is that you are emotionally attached to this man. Just as you were emotionally attached to your ex husband. When attached, it is difficult to let go, to move away.

    The attachment has all those dreams and hopes in it, that euphoric feeling of love, or of possible love. The hope that there is true comfort in the arms of someone, that is an exhilarating, intoxicating feeling, isn’t it?

    anita

    April 19, 2018 at 6:17 pm #203267
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello LifeUnravelled,

    Although your name is “LifeUnravelled,” what I read in your post tells me that your love/romantic life is what has unravelled.  How is your work life and family life?

    What Mark has said is true…going from your marriage to another relationship without understanding why your marriage didn’t work puts the new relationship on very shaky ground.  We seek in people what we know and are familiar with, even if that familiarity is not good for us.  It seems you know about love equating to your partner being unavailable emotionally.  I wonder if you have been able to understand where that comes from?  What has made you seek a partner who is not emotionally available?

    I also agree with Mark that the best chance for a successful relationship is when we know who we are, inside and out, and are able to stand on our own two feet emotionally and without a partner.

    You say your logical brain knows what you should do, and I am wondering, what is it you know you should do, logically speaking?

    I would also look at why you stay in the relationship, and what keeps you from leaving.

    Your comment where you say you promised yourself that you would never put yourself in another relationship where you felt like you didn’t matter makes me wonder why you feel like you don’t matter?  When I hear this from people, I wonder if they value themselves enough, rather than look for that validation from their partner.  Can you identify concrete ways to your partner that help you feel like you do matter?

    Airene

     

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