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My relationship with myself and others

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • October 12, 2017 at 5:44 am #172811
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Keiran,

    The relationship sounds very “new” if you are keeping him on his toes by spontaneously saying you were “staying out” (instead of going to the boring bus stop) when you bumped into him.

    Are you two exclusive? You could ask him that and say that you’re just making sure as guys still approach you when he’s not around and you’re not sure what to say. You can bet that will keep him on his toes and he will contact you more!

    In short, yes, you are insecure. And yes, he should be checking in with you more.

    Don’t let him take you for granted! But also be honest with yourself. Is this really the guy for you, whether you had confidence or not?

    Best,

    Inky

    October 12, 2017 at 5:46 am #172813
    Inky
    Participant

    My reply got lost!

    Ok, my short version:

    1. You are insecure

    2. He should contact you more whether you have confidence or not

    3. Are you being honest with yourself about your true feelings about this guy? Don’t stay with him just because he’s there.

    Best,

    Inky

    October 12, 2017 at 6:57 am #172847
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Keiran:

    Being in this relationship you feel uncomfortable. No wonder you don’t want to be in it. It is not that he is the wrong man or that there is something wrong with this new relationship in itself. Thing is being in it causes you distress because, I believe, it brings to the surface what you call insecurity or lack of self love.

    When in a relationship, we tend to project our thoughts and our beliefs into the other person. We imagine, in your case, you imagine that it is he who is thinking you are boring when it is you that are thinking that you are boring. You imagine he is thinking that you are not valuable when it is you who are thinking and believing it.

    If you end this new relationship, you may experience a relief, less discomfort, no one to project into your thoughts and beliefs, but these thoughts and beliefs will continue to be there, in your brain. Changing core beliefs (like: I am not valuable) is possible.

    Hope you post again.

    anita

    October 12, 2017 at 8:17 am #172867
    Keiran
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thanks for replying.

    I have thought about if he should be checking in with me more, and I haven’t been able to figure out if my expectations or how much I think about him or want to talk to him are pretty intense for so early on in the relationship. What I mean is my exctment about it all too much for the moment. It may be due to the fact I haven’t really dated much in the past so this is one of the first real kind of things for me I think. Although he says its the same case for him, it being new to him, so I don’t know if it’s normal to be less or more excited at this point. He did text me earlier, a short conversation which lead to him apologising about the awkwardness of our interaction when I bumped into him. He said it was due to the fact he’d had a few pints that evening. I could hardly blame him for that as I had had a few myself. I simply told him I felt awkwardness too and not to worry, although I don’t know if that was me saying this so an argument or uncomfortable situation would start.

    As to the seeing him because he’s there or not the right guy point, I don’t know how to be totally sure about this one, but when we are together we laugh a fair bit. I’ve always been described as funny, so I guess humour is my most comfortable mode. I guess it’s when I’m away from him that I worry. Even writing that last sentence makes me feel nauseated, because it’s so soppy, but oh well.

    Thanks

    Keiran

    October 12, 2017 at 8:22 am #172869
    Keiran
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for replying. I feel that ultimately, your point of me needed to change core beliefs about myself, is correct. Any advice on where to start. As I said before, I’ve read a lot of stuff on this site, as well as others, and whilst a lot of the advice sounds great, I find it hard figuring out where to start, probably due to absorbing too much information at once.

    Thanks

    Keiran

    October 12, 2017 at 9:04 am #172885
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Keiran:

    Changing core beliefs, starting with changing one core belief, cannot be done by reading articles or books. It can only be done while interacting with another person over time. Best done in the context of quality psychotherapy. Otherwise, it is possible in the context of a healthy, mutually beneficial, safe relationship with another person.

    Right here, on this Forum, you and I can interact. It is not therapy and I am not a therapist. What I can offer you is my safe input, here on this thread, that is, that I will not criticize you and that I will treat you respectfully at all times. (These two things, not criticizing and respecting, unfortunately is lacking in many human interactions and in most relationships).

    * A person cannot learn self love outside of interactions with others, that is why no matter how much you read and understand when not in a relationship with the guy you are currently seeing, once you get back into a relationship with him or with someone else, you will encounter the same thoughts and core beliefs.

    anita

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