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My relationship was almost over because I didn't follow my dreams.

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  • August 7, 2019 at 5:16 am #306961
    Ella
    Participant

    For a few weeks ago I had a little fight with my boyfriend that I live with, he wanted a productive week and I was agains it, really agains it. After talking a bit he asked me if it is good for him to be with me or not, that if I don’t follow my dream I will end up being miserable, and because he is so affected by me he would get draged down with me. I was during our whole relationship depressed but he helped me through it. If we should break up was my choice because he didn’t want to break up with me, but he still didn’t want to force me to change, but he lost hope of me trying to do anything in my sparetime, so I choose to change myself, because he was right, I was really miserable not doing anything, all I ever did during my days was only sitting in the couch not taking care of myself, all depressed and that, I could understand that it was enough for him, before meeting him he got into some crisis in life, it is still there, making him less ambitious over time, stops taking care of himself, it feels like we switched places.

    I have been a new person these past few weeks, and I see a change in my boyfriends mood also, he is more inspired, more happy, and more in love. I feel more alive, and more happier than ever before, it is just a bit tough fighting for my dream.

    The problem is that I’ve been anxious these past weeks since our talk, afraid of being lazy, afraid of losing him. I’ve been really clingy last week and kept asking him if he still wants to be with me, his respons was that it seems (because of the question and insecure “I love you’s” every half hour) that it is more important for me to not losing him and that I’am not genuin with my choice of change. That is not true, of course I don’t want to lose him but I genuinely want to succed with my dream, I’am just really lazy, I’am trying to change that. I have never been anxious around him before, it all just started that week.

    But my questions is…

    1. How to I get over this anxiety?

    2. How can I help my boyfriend come over this crisis. (He told me that the only thing that he needs is me doing stuff during the day so he doesn’t have to worry about me), but still, I really do want to be there for him the same way he was for me.

    3. He told me that my ambition is one of the reasons he feel in love with me (of course there is alot more, but this ambition was the most unusal thing he ever have seen in a woman), I’am so afraid that if I realise that my dream is not what I wanted his feelings will change even though I know he loves me alot for other reasons, but this though is coming up everyday, making me anxious. Why is that?

    4. Neither of us have noticed him becoming the better version of himself while dating me, but we have noticed a big difference with me, I really am almost the best version of myself. Am I toxic for him? How can I inspire him to be the better version of himself?

    Sorry for a long and weird post.

    August 7, 2019 at 7:48 am #306997
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Ella,

    So here is the burning question: WHAT IS YOUR DREAM?? Is it writing a book? Completing a marathon? Getting a lucrative job? We can perhaps help if we knew the specifics.

    Sometimes dreams are like candy. Nice to have. Some dreams are meant to be just that. Dreams. But I don’t like this constant pressure that you have to be some sort of hero and HAVE to realize them.

    Is it more that you’re unemployed and have depression? Get out of the house every day! Preferably be out when he gets home from school or work. Or preferably to a clean house with something cooking in the kitchen (I’m old school). OR at least run out the door to an event, friend, or class. He will see you’re busy and happy. That should calm things down by a lot.

    Best,

    Inky

    August 7, 2019 at 10:35 am #307025
    Ella
    Participant

    My dream is to become an actor, it is something I love to do and dreamt of almost every night during 10 years but never really had the courage to start (I hated my looks, I really hated myself before), now I have courage and confidence BUT Iam way to lazy to do anything which eventually would make me go back to where I were.

    Yea the pressure is not nice, but it is for my own sake and for my own future, if I don’t do anything with my life I won’t get there where I want, I think I really needed that push from someone.

    My depression is actully “cured”, I took my last medicine in Mars and have been fine since then.

    I do household chores once a week, I try to focus on pshycology and all that self-healing stuff to continue not being depressed. I nowadays take acting classes every evening and then take the rest of the evening off. I take care of my own food, try to exercise and have a social life, I’am rebuilding my life. Only that makes him calm and happy, but I still want to be able to help him go back on track, the way he helped and encouraged me to do. I want to affect him positive the way he affected me.

    August 7, 2019 at 11:09 am #307035
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ella:

    It reads like for a long time while in this relationship you were depressed, then trying to change, you don’t feel depressed anymore but you feel anxious instead (“I have never been anxious around him before, it all just started that week”).

    The depression made it possible for you to not feel anxious, but once you started to feel better, hopeful, motivated to do things (“I feel more alive, and more happier than ever before”), the fear/ anxiety that was dormant while you were depressed, awakened when you felt alive and happy.

    It is difficult to deal with anxiety, but you are not the only one who  is anxious. Most people are and so  is your boyfriend. What you can do is try to not burden him with your anxiety by not asking him if he still wants to be with you and other questions of this kind. You can tell him, calmly, that you are anxious but reasonably control the expressions of your anxiety, so that he can be as calm as he can be.

    He needs you calm and okay so that he can be calm and okay. And you need him to be calm and okay, so help each other be those things.

    anita

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