Thank You Mark.

You make it sound so easy.

I am happy but also so sad right now. (I wasn’t sad until today). Again I don’t regret that I got to meet a wonderful person. I am thankful for every moment that we have had. It just feels so unfair that he is going away so soon.

I find myself rationalizing with myself how this can somehow work out. After writing here I sent him a message asking if we had to totally uproot it. Not pause life but keep it casually open meet somewhere in the world perhaps, or I can see what it is like on his side of the world. He responded that we should think about it with a smile.

I have accomplished nothing today because I can’t stop obsessing over the future which is not real and I have no way of knowing what it holds for me.

I will try to bring myself into the present every time I slip into those thoughts. Besides, I don’t want it to just be me that is worried about him leaving. It would feel nice if he reciprocated in wanting this to somehow work out. Which I guess he has in his own expectation that we will keep in touch. He just seems to be so much better at living in the present than me.

Mark, I know that you admire me, but I have separation anxiety and don’t know why I do this to myself. I understand that nothing is forever but I think if I’m honest with myself I prefer the unknown. It is such a catch 22 I don’t want short term but I don’t want to deprive myself of wonderful moments as I had with him out of fear of heartache and fear of the future. When iI’mold and senile I will enjoy remembering that FIRST kiss we shared and made me smile all night 🙂

Why does everything that makes us feel good to seem to have a cost of some emotional pain?

Thank you for your response.

Yes, I understand.

I have been holding this in. I told him my fears and I think we are going to talk about what we are going to do. We are both not closed. We both accept that we don’t know the future which comes with infinite possibilities so we are just going to go with it and see where life takes us.  I told him that I want to go to his side of the world in November and he was happy. Writing here gave me the courage to tell him how I was feeling. While I’m happy that I know I will see him again if even only briefly I’m still feeling anxious about losing him in the capacity that I have him now.

It just feels unfair.

I will accept the pain and sit through it. This is so many times this year. It never feels easier.

Well I think it goes past knowing he is here for a short term. We really do have a ton in common and just get along so well. I do not come across that often. I come across many people passing through because I live in a big city. I don’t connect with those people in this same way. I do think he is extra compatible with me.

The issue is enjoying the short time we have left. We have just met and he has friends from his exchange class so while we have now 11 days left that really means I only have 3-4x left with him. Time is fleeting and it’s hard for me to enjoy what is left of it.

I am not angry with him. I don’t know where his mind is which is why we will talk about it next time we are together. All I know is that we are taking things as they come and he wants to stay in touch when he leaves.

I am just sad because I don’t want him to go and a little angry at myself for entering a relationship that I knew would be short because then I have to be sad. As I said, I think that I prefer the unknown.

I like him a lot and wish he was not leaving.

I prefer to not know when something is going to end.

I think that would be nice if I am every lucky enough. I haven’t posted here because I have been enjoying him. We decided to spend every evening together this week since he is leaving on Monday.

I feel slightly better knowing that we both have decided that we will meet again in a few months. He has decided to not make me travel so far and will come to my side of the world. Still, I have no idea what will happen and am sad but there is nothing that I can do. He wants to find a job here. That is his goal but it will take time. Lucky he has a very specific background and is very smart. He is just finishing his MBA in a global top school so I guess I’ll just have to embrace the unknown and keep going.

I don’t feel as bad as when I first wrote this post. I think the panic that I had last week also helped me accept it somehow.

I just wanted to leave a happy update for anyone in this situation as I feel people rarely update.

So we have kept this going with no expiration date. So far it has been great. We don’t have anything forced but talk regularly. Sad because he left again today after coming back to spend two weeks with me. It has been pretty seamless so far and we have our next trip planned and he’s actively trying to move here. On his most recent trip here he also spent time trying to speak with people who will result in a job interview here for him. We don’t plan on cutting communication or stopping plans to see each other any time soon.

Feeling ok, although every time he leaves again it is sad.