Home→Forums→Relationships→My Obese wife and my troubles with it
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Tommy.
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June 20, 2024 at 6:56 am #434043
Mr. A
ParticipantDear all,
Lots of love and happiness to all of you. I am going through a phase for about 3 years trying to reduce my wife’s weight for multiple reasons (her health, trying for pregnancy, better sex, social image). She is obese with > 50% body fat and BMI of 33.
Despite all my efforts (support, ultimatums, love, co-workouts etc.) , there is no positive sustainable result yet. This is creating a lot of anxiety, stress and resentment/anger in me and I need to come out of it afresh to live my life happily. I am asking you to take a look at this and suggest me what should I change or avoid or do differently to lead a life and achieve my life goals.
I am a healthy individual, working out 10-12 days a month. I have an active lifestyle. She cooks, she works but exercise is little and not intense. She doesn’t like it. We tried Keto, reduced 10 kgs and gained it back. We tried IF, reduced weight and gained it back.
All hormone tests are done and everything is normal. Its lack of discipline in her that is preventing her from looking good. My interest levels of physical intimacy are low now due to repeated failures. She isn’t getting pregnant. We consulted a radiologist and gynecologist and both said that weight needs to reduce. No other abnormality in test reports.
Thoughts of giving up and living separately did cross my mind, but I find it impossible to live alone (due to nature of work and life in Mumbai, India).
I want her to reduce weight (fat) to have a child with her. I want her to look and feel good. I want to be more attracted towards her sexually. It has been 3 years of struggle. We have had frank conversations and she accepts that she isn’t able to lose weight due to lack of consistency and discipline.
Help me become happier. I want to have a child and not bother with her having co-morbidities early in life. We are both 33 and 35 respectively.
I worry if she does get pregnant, then the child might not be healthy or she might find herself much bigger during and after pregnancy. I tried to let go off this weight issue saying that it is her control and not mine. But not having a child, social status and her health issues (in future due to obesity) will affect me profoundly.
Let me know your thoughts to deal with this !
June 20, 2024 at 9:17 am #434060anita
ParticipantDear Mr. A:
You shared that for the last 3 years you tried to reduce your wife’s weight through “support, ultimatums, love, co-workouts, etc.“, but your efforts failed.
Your feelings about her weight and the repeated failed efforts: “a lot of anxiety, stress and resentment/ anger… My interest levels of physical intimacy are low“.
You thought about separating from her, but you “find it impossible to live alone (due to nature of work and life in Mumbai, India)“. You also “tried to let go off this weight issue saying that it is her control and not mine“, but you can’t, or won’t let it go.
Your goals: (1) to have a wife who looks and feels good, (2) to feel good yourself and to be more attracted to her sexually, (3) to have a healthy child, (4) to have a better social status, (5) to have a healthy wife: “I want her to look and feel good… I want to be more attracted towards her sexually… Help me become happier… I worry if she does get pregnant, then the child might not be healthy … not having a child, social status and her health issues (in future due to obesity) will affect me profoundly”.
You share that one of you is 33, the other 35, you work out 10-12 days a month, she does not like to exercise and does little of it. She tried Keto and IF (Intermittent Fasting), lost weight and gained it back. She says that “she isn’t able to lose weight due to lack of consistency and discipline“. All medical tests reveal that she is physically healthy, no abnormalities in test reports.
“I am asking you to take a look at this and suggest me what should I change or avoid or do differently to lead a life and achieve my life goals… Let me know your thoughts to deal with this!“-
I’ll start with feelings, with what you feel and with what your wife might be feeling: there is no such thing as good feeling (as in a morally correct/ acceptable feeling), and bad feelings (as in a morally incorrect/ unacceptable feeling). We don’t choose our feelings; therefore, there is no moral responsibility for what we feel. In yet other words: we are not good or bad people because of how we feel.
We are good or bad people because of what we choose to say and do (our spoken/ typed words and our actions). What we choose to focus on in life (our values) leads to our chosen words and actions.
Therefore, all that you are feeling on the topic of your wife’s weight is okay to feel. All that she is feeling is okay to feel.
Now, lets look at words and actions: first, the easy part- giving a person an Ultimatum when it comes to losing weight is the last thing that can be effective. If she loses weight because of an ultimatum, it will be a short-term loss, but her trust in you and in the marriage will be lost long-term. There need to be no ultimatums and no threats, no aggression at all.
Second, what may work is (more) Empathy: your empathy for her, and her empathy for you, since you are both suffering. I read about your suffering and (although I don’t know you irl), I feel badly that you are suffering and I wish that you will feel much better, and soon.
I imagine that she is suffering too: she tried may times, and tried hard, to lose weight, in a large part, I imagine, so to satisfy you, and she failed. She knows how you feel about her weight: how is it for her to go through life every day, for 3 years, knowing how you feel about her weight, feeling defined by her weight?
Mr. A, what if you shift your focus away from her weight, and redirect your focus to her core essence, to who she is: what she feels, what she needs, what she wants; her thoughts, her feelings, her perceptions, her struggles..?
If she feels seen, understood, cared for as a whole person (not as a part-person, or a project, such as a lose-weight-project), she is likely to be able to have the consistency and discipline required to succeed in her chosen objectives.
anita
June 20, 2024 at 11:38 am #434066Roberta
ParticipantDear Mr A
Oh dear oh dear what a pickle. As a woman who tried for many years to conceive again after having two healthy boys. I remember how each month that I did not get pregnant I felt a failure and less of a woman. If your mindset is mainly to make love to your wife, because you want a child, she is probably going to feel like an unloved brood mare instead of a beloved wife.
I suggest you take the pressure off your wife and stop trying to conceive and spend the next year taking time to nurture your wife’s self esteem after the battering you have given it for the last 3 years. Get playful, make time for each other, dance, find out what’s her joy. You may just have to accept that you will remain childless.
Roberta
June 20, 2024 at 1:24 pm #434069Helcat
ParticipantHi Mr A
With a BMI of 33 your wife’s health is at risk with a pregnancy. To keep trying would put her life in danger. Hypothetically, possible but dangerous for both her and any potential child.
Issues with weight are often tied to difficulties with sleep and overworking. What are you to do if you are tired and running out of energy? There is a biological trigger to eat in these cases. Working on sleep and reducing the amount of work can be helpful. Having it all isn’t really a thing, something has got to give.
It is very depressing to keep trying for a child and failing. As others have pointed out emotional eating is a thing.
Again having it all isn’t a thing. This is karma. You don’t get to decide the hand that you are dealt in life.
Have compassion for the difficulties that your wife is going through. Have compassion for your own difficulties and realise that this is karma. Neither of your fault. If you want to get through the suffering together, just be there for each other, if the situation is too painful leave.
It should be said that everyone has difficulties in life. If it not one thing it will be another. Fighting to have no difficulties is pointless. Life always involves some kind of suffering.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
June 20, 2024 at 9:05 pm #434095Tommy
ParticipantYou catch more bees with honey. My meaning is that you need to give her a reward system. Something that she wants. Maybe affection, kisses for each time she loses weight or even tries. Get her thinking about other things than food. Schedule time to do thing near diner time. Do the thing and come back to food later. Have sex instead of diner. Have her be the more active partner.
If you choose to punish her by living separate lives then she will have no incentive to loose weight. You have to be the positive one. The leader, the man of the house. Exercise at this moment may be difficult for her. So go for walks. Make it romantic. Give flowers not chocolates. Reward her for making the effort. A kiss, holding hands, a nice word something to make her feel good about her efforts.
I have said this many times. Make the change and the marriage will change. It starts with you. Look at the man in the mirror.
June 20, 2024 at 9:10 pm #434096Tommy
ParticipantThere is something called an intermittent fasting. 16 hours no food and 8 hours for eating. Of course, do not eat too much for those eight hours. Skipping breakfast. and going to noon will help. This type of fasting helps with health issue. It takes about a month or so to see the changes. But, once they start to come, the health will improve.
June 24, 2024 at 1:07 pm #434175Stephanie
ParticipantThis line stood out the most to me and I kept going back to it: ” Its lack of discipline in her that is preventing her from looking good.”
I wish I could help you understand the tremendous message in that sentence. Most women are already at the mercy of society, media, etc. When we begin a relationship, women are essentially wanting a safe person and place, due to possible trauma/abuse/neglect from their past or possibly lack of guidance, lack of nurturing, lack of love and support.
For her to enter into a relationship with you, she is ultimately hoping for you to be there with safe arms, safe words, and to always be her hero, her friend. She needs to know and feel that you know her, love her, support her, give to her, understand all the nuances and everything she is about, no matter what, no matter the weight, no matter the age, no matter the race, etc.
You are the ultimate safety net, be that for her, be there for her. She is not merely a thing to look good for you.
June 24, 2024 at 9:04 pm #434187Mr. A
ParticipantHi Stephanie,
This is unconditional love that you talk about. I agree to it and this maybe the best way for her to achieve anything she wishes or aims for.
However, I have certain expectations of her which I had clearly communicated before marriage as well.
I earn 5X of her. I bought the house on my own. I am healthy and have had a good exposure and am in the top quartile of intelligent men. My problems are I have limited friends and little social life, I have been complaining about her to her and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a snails pace, but does work in a few areas). But her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally.
One could argue I should have spotted this beforehand. But my frustrations stem from the fact that I feel I am sacrificing everything for her – intelligent conversations, not having children due to her weight, lack of physical attraction and taking full responsibility of financial freedom.
She is a good homemaker – cooks for us and takes care of the house. She also works and does it sincerely. However she comes from a poor background with lack of any real support.
I have accepted the fact that things won’t be equal in our relationship. I will need to take ownership of wealth creation, decision making, finances and travel . She takes ownership of food and household stuff and her career. It seems like a traditional man woman thing and I have seen so many confident, fit and smart women who delegate household stuff and are far more energetic, fit and lively. Having kids wouldn’t be a problem for any normal couple.
I understand comparison will only make me sad, so I leave that. But isn’t it fair to expect good health and a child from her ?
Or as you say, giving everything and then accepting whatever comes through is the best that’s written in my destiny.
June 25, 2024 at 3:48 am #434193Helcat
ParticipantMr A
Your wife is a person, not a thing to be moulded to your liking.
It doesn’t surprise me that your wife does all of the cooking and housework as well as working. No wonder she is exhausted. If you want her to have more energy, get a maid to help her since you have the money. There will be a whole host of benefits when she has more time and energy.
Intelligence is nothing without kindness. Where is your kindness towards your wife? The one who should be most precious to you?
You think she is ugly and poor and stupid. That says it all.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
June 25, 2024 at 5:26 am #434195Mr. A
ParticipantI am looking for solutions here. There is a maid for 2 hours daily, but she prefers to cook by herself. Other household work is managed by both where I help her out. I have long working hours, but I do help on weekends and at night.
I have also presented her with options such as having 2 more maids or 1 full-time maid for which she has denied.
She feels that there is not much to do for the two of us and life is ok with one maid available.
Time isn’t the constraint here, discipline is. Food and exercise needs to be the solution, which is in her hands totally.
People with travel, domestic responsibilities and kids do maintain a fit body. Time is just an excuse (That isn’t an excuse in our case.)
I have realized that determination and discipline is needed. If she can’t respect her own physical health, there is little that can be expected otherwise.
I am looking at how detachment or changing my perspective will help me live better.
June 25, 2024 at 8:03 am #434206anita
ParticipantHello again, Mr. A:
(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes) This is what you shared about your wife’s intelligence: “her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally… I am sacrificing everything for her – intelligent conversations“. About your intellect: “(I) am in the top quartile of intelligent men“.
You shared that your wife is not smart, not confident, not fit, not energetic and not lively (“I have seen so many confident, fit and smart women… far more energetic, fit and lively… I understand comparison will only make me sad”).
The only positives you mentioned about her: “a good homemaker- cooks for us and takes care of the house. She also works and does it sincerely… her career“.
The only negative you mentioned about yourself: “My problems are I have limited friends and little social life“.
About your interaction with your wife: ” I have certain expectations of her which I had clearly communicated before marriage as well… I have been complaining about her to her and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a snails pace, but does work in a few areas). But her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally.”
My thoughts this morning (evening in Mumbai): you think so very little of her, too little: that she is inferior to you and inferior to other women, a woman with an inferior intellect that you say cannot be changed. And yet, (1) having had conversations with her before marriage (having had adequate opportunities to learn about her intellect, with your stated superior intellect), you expressed to her your high expectations for a marriage with her, and proceeded to marry her., (2) you want to have a child with her, a child that may inherit her supposed inferior intellect..?
* I am surprised that given her supposed inferior intellect, she manages to have a career, which is more than a job?
I suppose that you have a high dry IQ but not a high emotional- social IQ, and perhaps a low self-esteem to go with it, and that’s why you married a woman you perceive to have an inferior IQ, and why you have limited friends and little social life?
You call her “my wife” but it sounds as if a more accurate term, given your perception of her, would be that inferior, unintelligent, obese woman who is an embarrassment to me.
If I was her, knowing how you thought about my intellect alone, I would want to get away from you as quickly as possible because it’s just too humiliating to be thought of this way, day after day, with no end in sight.
“I have been complaining about her to her, and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally“-
– I think my suggestion right here is just what you need: improve your emotional-social intelligence.
And set her free, help her get relocated elsewhere, so that she can live with dignity as a non-inferior person. It saddens me how so many people are treated as inferior to others, it creates such an intense emotional pain inside.
In my first reply to you, I mentioned empathy, so I will close this post with empathy: please set her free from the prison of your low opinion of her (this is my empathy for her), and please learn and improve your emotional and social intelligence: there are many books on this topic, as well as workbooks, YouTube videos, courses and such (this is my empathy for you).
anita
June 25, 2024 at 8:23 am #434207Helcat
ParticipantHi Mr A
I’m glad that you are offering her as much help as she wants. That is very kind of you. It sounds like she has made up her mind that she doesn’t want to work on her weight. There is nothing that you can do to change her mind if this is the case.
Acknowledging that her wishes, desires and responsibilities are not yours is one way to see the situation.
Imagine two people living together, one messy, one neat. The neat person gets upset by all of the mess. The messy person doesn’t notice the mess. The messy person is upset by the neat person being mad at them.
The only way for everyone to be happy is for the neat person to only focus on what they wish to do for themselves. To make themselves happy. People just have different standards, different desires and different motivations.
Your wife is an entirely separate and uniquely different person to you.
To have discipline, motivation is needed. To have motivation it helps a lot if you are unhappy on some level.
It sounds like food offers her a sense of comfort, a temporary happiness if you will.
She is in a desperately unhappy situation. Failed pregnancies and a husband who seems to actively dislike her.
Can you change that you dislike your wife? Do you want to? Tommy had some really good advice.
I don’t know if she was ever pregnant. But losing a pregnancy means a lot more to women. There is a physical connection very early. It is not just an idea of a future child. There is a lot of grief and sorrow losing a baby. It often ends relationships.
Your wife may need therapy to work though various things that may be upsetting her.
Your wife may be unwilling to give up the only nice thing that you think about her. At least she cooks and cleans and works. She may not prioritise anything else while your opinion of her life is so low.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
June 25, 2024 at 9:02 am #434210Mr. A
ParticipantI want to have a married life and not live alone. So what I gather from all responses is the following
1) Show compassion and empathy and don’t complain. Encourage or remain silent and patient for her to maximize her happiness and efforts
2) If things improve, good ! If not, atleast I do my job and maintain my peace of mind and try to develop areas in my control to have fulfilment in career or sports or academics.
3) Children may or may not happen and I will leave it to faith and efforts from my spouse.
4) Major decisions in life, be it marriage, choice of education, careers, companies etc. are largely dependent on luck and experiences after taking those decisions. Even if I did have the maturity to evaluate better, no one can foresee all aspects of our decision and hence life is to be lived with what one gets. You may want something but will need to settle with something else, atleast a few times in life
June 25, 2024 at 9:25 am #434211anita
ParticipantDear Mr. A:
Excellent summary of suggestions. To be a good spouse is indeed to cultivate/ show/ express the following: genuine compassion, empathy, encouragement, self-control (to remain silent instead of complaining), patience, peace of mind, and focusing your time and energy on what is in you control (not on what is not in your control).
anita
June 25, 2024 at 9:28 am #434212Helcat
ParticipantHi Mr A
Talking about how you feel about difficulties can be helpful when you are not blaming your wife for it. It is a very hard thing for a couple to go through. Some people have children very easily. Some children are unwanted and treat cruelly. It is a painful and unfair situation that you both find yourselves in.
That is a good summary of points discussed. I would add that it could be a good idea to find something to enjoy about the relationship. For your own happiness, as well as hers.
Yes, definitely. You only have control over so much. Do what you can and take pride in that you tried your best.
Despite the difficulties between you, I think your willingness to stick by your wife and taking care of her as best you can is a kindness on your part.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
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