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My little brother lost all of his friends

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  • August 9, 2018 at 12:01 am #220787
    Katie
    Participant

    I wrote about my younger brother in my last post but I didn’t go into detail. I wasn’t sure if I should have written about what happened to him since it is very serious, but I am writing this post now because I need help. I want to help him I just don’t know how. Basically, my brother has no friends anymore. He used to have a ton. Girls, guys, any age. He was a very popular kid in school until about a month ago. He is 14 years old and very immature which may be a part of why he has made some very bad choices. One of those bad choices involved filming a girl changing in the bathroom of a party. I assume he did this to impress his friends, and it worked because a lot of his friends sent the video around. Yes, I am well aware of how unacceptable this is. I don’t know what I would have done if I were the girl in this situation. I would have been mortified and every action she has taken against those involved has been rightful. I think my brother has a lot of learning to do as he doesn’t fully understand right from wrong. It was really hard for me to believe my brother was the one behind this incident as I am decently close with him. My best description of my brother is that he is really funny, very social, fun to be around… but he is very directionless in life. Which is fine because he is only 14, but it also means most of his goals/decisions revolve around his friends. This is why I truly believe he did this to impress his friends without fully understanding the extent of his actions.

    The thing is, he has no friends anymore. He has been labeled as a horrible person by everyone in my town. Not only my town, but my friends from other school districts know about what happened. People from all over my area are saying things like “I hate (my brother’s name)” … people who I never knew existed. This breaks my heart because my brother isn’t a horrible person. What he did to this girl is horrible, yes. But is it wrong for me to sympathize with him? He is only 14… and 18 year old seniors from schools that are 30 minutes away claim they hate him. It is just so hard for me to wrap my head around. Well, with the hate spreading towards my brother, his friends have left. I don’t know if the friends just don’t care to be associated with someone who is talked down on, or if their parents do not let them hang out with him anymore. Either way, my once “life of the party” brother now sits in his room all day. I am just so confused about this situation… why did all his friends leave him if they were completely in on it and sent it around? If they were true friends… why wouldn’t they tell him to delete the video and advise him that this was wrong? Why isn’t anyone paying attention to the fact that he is 14 and doesn’t deserve this much hate? Is all this deserved because of what he did?

    Any sort of advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m tired of watching my brother become more and more depressed as the days go on. Yes, a part of me believes that this will help him learn not to do it again. But another part of me thinks that this is simply too much to handle. Ultimately, it was my brother’s fault. I completely understand that But I think another mistake of his was choosing to hangout with the wrong crowd. Please help 🙁 I am not trying to defend his actions, I am simply trying to understand what drove him to do something like this. And based on everything I know about him, this is my conclusion. I don’t know what to do. Is it justified for me to be angry at the strangers who claim they hate him? I just want to scream at them saying they don’t actually know him.

    One more thing to add, my mom has lost a lot of her friends as well. She hung out with a lot of my brother’s friends’ moms. Now, most of them don’t speak to her either and I can hear her crying sometimes. I just want to point out that I don’t believe any of this is my moms fault. Maybe if she was more strict with my brother, this wouldn’t have happened. But my other brother along with myself never got in any trouble during our high school years, so my mom probably wasn’t expecting this. I don’t think it is her fault, so it crushes me to see her getting left alone because of it.

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Katie.
    • This topic was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Katie.
    August 9, 2018 at 4:55 am #220823
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    You wrote regarding your 14 year old brother: “I am not trying to defend his actions, I am simply trying to understand what drove him to do something like this”. I will try to help you understand by asking you the following two questions. Following your answers we can continue to communicate for the purpose of better understanding:

    1. Is your 14 year old brother the same brother you shared about April 15: “In middle school my younger brother used to get in fights with kids on our street. Older kids would gang up on him… one of the kids who would fight my younger brother was older than me”?

    2. In your April thread, three months before the incident,  you wrote about your mother: “She would complain about how none of the other moms like her…. I can see other moms being rude to my mom… I constantly felt like everyone disliked my family”

    In this thread you wrote: “my mom has lost a lot of her friends as well. She hung out with a lot of my brother’s friends’ moms. Now, most of them don’t speak to her either and I can hear her crying”

    Are the friends your mother lost the same other moms who disliked her and were rude to her?

    anita

     

     

    August 9, 2018 at 7:29 am #220857
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    1. Yes that is the same brother. My brother would get into small fights but I assume it is because the kids were not good kids. Based on what I know about the story, my brother called one of the kids fat and they got angry. I am sure other things went on that caused them to hate my brother.  Also, the time period for that was more like elementary school for my brother, I’m not sure why I said middle school. (It happened when I was 11 years old and and he is 4 years younger than me so that means he was 7 years old). That happened when he was 7 years old and the other kids were 10, 11, and 12 years old. Personally, it shocks me that my brother was only 7 years old when he was beat up by middle schoolers. I can’t imagine what he said or did to cause that.

    2. No, these are different moms. The moms at our old town (we used to live in a different state) would do this to her.  The people there were just naturally very cold and distant. In my new town, everyone is very outgoing and warm. The m0ms that my mom was friends with were all very kind and they would all go out for lunch often.

    August 9, 2018 at 7:42 am #220861
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    Isn’t it time for your brother to attend psychotherapy with a capable therapist with experience treating young teenagers? I can’t think of a better time.

    anita

    August 10, 2018 at 9:36 am #221021
    Lara
    Participant

    Dear Katie,

    in a time of #metoo, on the one hand I am glad that people are not like “well this is nothing”. But due to social media obviously he got much more attention than he would have gotten  say 15 years ago, and the backlash sounds extremly severe. For a fourteen year old boy, this might well feel like the end not only of his social like, but of his life in general. I am glad that you are wondering how to help your brother, and I hope you are also willing to take action.

    In another thread you wrote ” Neither of my parents have been around to guide me or my siblings”. What was your parents reaction to this situation, aside from your mother crying because now she as well is isolated? What attitude did she and your father show towards your brother? Did they talk about the situation at all with you or your brother?

    And I know this is difficult, but did you talk with your brother about this? Ask him what happened in his view, if he understand why it was not okay what he did? Without judging, just hearing his side of the story?

    September 5, 2018 at 12:29 pm #224431
    Katie
    Participant

    Lara,

    I’m sorry that I didn’t see your message until now. But I would like to answer the questions you asked me. I asked my parents what they are going to do about this… and they basically told me that they would handle this on their own. So I don’t know. I honestly pried and pried at not only my brother but also my parents to find out more about the situation. But I ended up causing a fight and I was told to mind my business (for my brother’s sake because he did not want to talk about it). So I don’t know what they did, but they just told me they are handling it. And I did try to talk with my brother about it but he freaked out. He completely shut down. I was driving with him in my car and when I brought it up he almost jumped out of my car. I’m serious when I tell you he physically cannot handle talking about it. My parents seemed a little sorry for my brother.. they partly believe that it was his friends who encouraged him to do this. Maybe that is wrong but it is what I personally believe too. And based on everyone’s story involved, more kids than just my brother were involved. But ultimately, my brother is the one who committed the act. I just don’t think he would have had the audacity to come up with this on his own. My brother is a little like me. He worries about what everyone thinks. For him to just do this… on his own… there is no way. There is 1 thing that guides every single one of his actions. It is social acceptance. It is the need to look cool. He did this out of ignorance. He didn’t understand the extent of his actions on this girl… he just wanted to look cool. He was getting positive reinforcement from the people around him. It made him feel like this was the right thing to do (in regards with his interests). He felt like doing this was something to be proud of because everyone around him clearly thought it was cool. It’s like how teenage boys ask for nudes from girls to show it to their friends. Except this act… was way cooler! (I obviously don’t think this way but I DO know how 15 year old boys think). So I don’t really know anything except for everything I’ve stated here. Nobody will really talk about it with me.

    But since my brother and I are very alike, I can assume how he feels. I, too, have done dumb things for social acceptance. Definitely not this bad (because this was a very, very, very, verrrry stupid thing to do. He should have known better. I guess it is just a different mindset when you are surrounded with and influenced by a bunch of immature high school boys who only care about girls and parties). But I would feel betrayed. Confused. I would think, “how can my friends just ditch me when they were completely for this? I knew it was so wrong but I was so caught up in trying to fit in with my friends. I thought it was okay. But obviously it never is okay to do this. How could I be so stupid. And how could they ditch me when I threw parties for them at my house every weekend?” — Oh and if I didn’t mention this before: my brother’s friends would completely use him. They would ask him for money and not pay him back. My brother would uber eats food to their houses…. but never get paid back!!! My brother was so caught up in it he was in denial about it. They would also ask him to throw parties every weekend then they would all invite the entire school.

    I know what my brother did was soooooo wrong. But being a teenager is though. Sometimes you are so caught up in trying to figure yourself out. You are so caught up in your friends. In popularity. In social acceptance. As a teenager you are dealing with problems that you don’t even know exist…. yet they affect you and you feel certain ways that you don’t understand. I can’t help but feel like my brother was just completely used and thrown aside like a dirty rag. If his friends TRULY cared then they would help him see how his actions are wrong and they would NOT encourage him to do this!!! By them ditching him, it just proves how bad of friends they are!! Not to mention all the social hate my brother is getting. The only good thing about this is… hopefully my brother will mature from this. And maybe learn a little bit about himself and on how to treat others.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Katie.
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