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My lies, sexual abuses and identity crisis

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  • May 22, 2018 at 6:43 am #208703
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Dear community, you have helped me through conforting words many time in the past.
    I told a few months ago the effects that my childhood abuse have on my personality. I had my body and mind raped by someone on my family and never got out of it. Each time ithink i’m free, i screw something good in my life and remember how this story has a power over me.
    I’ve ruined every relationship i had. I can’t accept someone loving me. I always pull away and do something stupid, like lying, telling half truths.
    Only love two women in my life. I bellieve they were the best people i ever met. The second broke up with me two days ago and always linked my flaws of character to my abuse. I lied to her a thousand times. And even tough i dind’t kiss or had sex to anyone since we began our relationship, i lied and lied….about my past, about wanting to have sex with other women.
    In the past, i flerted with some women, without engaging in anything physical, but it was cheating. And took me a long time to accept this. She found out, found out about how i still loved another woman, and rightfully so, left me.
    Being an amazing human being, she accepted me back. I went into a Vipassana retreat and was able to say goodbye internally to the other woman i loved and realized how much i loved her. But i was always afraid of the lack of desire i had for her. I wasn’t that i had no desire, i did, but she felt like i didn’t.
    Fast foward some seven months and we really had a strong partnership. I wasn’t talking to anyone, was showing everyone how much i loved her and didn’t want anything with anyone else. But i felt attracted to others and confinded this to a very close friend.
    Someone told her that and she reacted like i cheated on her. The strange thing is: i feel like i did. Sheis hurt beyond measure and said horrible things to me, called me a trash, digged up my past and hit me really low with it.
    I am in a identity crisis. I wanna live, but worry how much a thing about suicide, about ways of doing it. I ruin everything i touch, and she also told me that.
    I can’t properly love a woman. Can’t find inspiration in my job as a medical doctor, after so many years of dedication (and residency). My dad is broke and sick, my parents are separating….my familly turned the back on my and my sister….because she was abused by the same person i was, when we were around five. I have lost myself.
    Really sorry about the long text and maybe the poor english. But if anyone could help me to find meaning in all of this…because i thought i was evolving and that i was happy…

    May 22, 2018 at 7:24 am #208711
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tyler Sant:

    You referred to your most recent girlfriend as one of the two “best people I ever met” and “an amazing human being”. But then you wrote that she “said horrible things to me, called me a trash, digged up my past and hit me really low with it”.

    Well, I hope you will meet better people than one who calls you trash and uses your past against you, intentionally aiming to cause you pain.

    She is not an amazing, all good person and you are not a terrible, bad person. You are taking responsibility that doesn’t belong to you. Maybe you are responsible for 50% of the ending of the last relationship, but not 100%.

    There is hope for you. Please don’t give up on yourself, not professionally and not in context of a relationship with a woman.

    You were a victim of sexual abuse. Is that what she brought up, by the way, your ex girlfriend, did she “hit (you) really low” using your childhood abuse against you?

    anita

    May 22, 2018 at 7:58 am #208717
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Hi, Anita. Thank you so much for replying.

    She only brought up the abuse to try and explain my behavior, but not this time. The last time she wrote me, she said “you are trash. You don’t know what love is and no woman will ever want to be around you. I release you from this unbearable monogamy o you can have sex and spread diseases to as many women as you want. I hate myself for loving you and the relationship was all for nothing, all in vain”.

    I mean…those words are echoing all day long. I think she was upset that i broke her confidence and wanted to hurt me back.
    I feel like it’s all by fault, yes. But i only said to a frined that i felt desire for other women, but would never do anything because it is much more rewarding to have her love. Would never touch another woman. But i cheatead her, because i broke her confidence.
    The sick thing is that i told this to a friend on my computer, and someone “print screen” it. Then i told to my friend on a restaurant, and someone heard me. There is a person spying on me. My friends are like my brothers and we have been friends for over 25 years. They would never do it.
    I really don’t wanna paint her as a bad person, because she is fantastic. I am relieved that i won’t be with the jealous person anymore, but never wanted things to end like this. I broke her and marked her for the rest of her life.

    I do feel like the worst person in the world because everything i touch, i turn into SHIT. I was in this quest to love my self, but this was a huge setback.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Tyler Sant.
    May 22, 2018 at 8:02 am #208721
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Now i feel like crap for revealing what she said. Because i’m not the victim, she is.
    Don’t wanna sound like i am a poor guy who knows what suffering is.

    May 22, 2018 at 8:08 am #208737
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tyler Sant:

    You wrote earlier that she “digged up my past and hit me really low with it”- how did she do that?

    anita

    May 22, 2018 at 8:28 am #208741
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Dear, Anita. She said “go and try to be with your ex, who is so happy away from you”. For a long time i pretended she didn’t exist or that i love her, until she found out. When she did find out, she was heart broken, and totally right. But somehow after her knowledge of my ex and specially after my vipassana retreat, i got much better from it. Like i said, discovered how much i love my current girlfriend, not the last.

    There is many more things she said, but i don’t remember all of them and quite frankly don’t want to.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Tyler Sant.
    May 22, 2018 at 8:58 am #208751
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tyler Sant:

    I thought wrong then. I thought she used the fact that you were sexually abused against you. She didn’t. I guess you were right: you were cruel to her telling her when you did, that you were attracted to other women. I hope you don’t do that again- there is no benefit in telling a woman that you are attracted to others: she cannot make you un-attracted to other women, what is she to do with that information-

    other than get hurt…

    anita

    May 22, 2018 at 9:49 am #208763
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    I also thought there is no benefit in telling her that. But she would ask me every now and then. Tought that what mattered the most was the fact that i kept it to myself, instead of taking action. But there is no going back now.

    May 22, 2018 at 10:03 am #208773
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tyler Sant:

    I didn’t understand “kept it to myself” in your recent post.

    Regarding “no going back now”- then do go forward. Learn all you can from this ended relationship and become a better man for it, learn what mistakes not to make, learn to make better choices and your life will be better for it.

    anita

    May 22, 2018 at 10:21 am #208785
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I meant that i didn’t take action. I did desire other women, but didn’t talk to them, treated them like anyone else. Only told my friends about this. But since some one took prints from one conversation and eavesdropped on the other, i think she got things i little out of context, even though she still right.
    I think what i mean by all of this is: i can’t seem to be able to break the pattern. I think i”m breaking the pattern of being toxic, but only realize it after years of hurting others.I’m not a good person and can’t find a foundation in my past.
    You were the one that actually talked to me about my abuse, in another topic. It always comes back to this and i can’t fully understand what happened.

    May 22, 2018 at 1:11 pm #208825
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tyler Sant:

    I want to re-read your previous threads when I am back to the computer in about fifteen hours and reply to you again, on this thread, when I am back. If you want to tell me more about how specifically you were toxic to your ex girlfriend, what you refer to as “the pattern”, please do. Try to explain it to me as clearly as you can.

    anita

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