To those of you who tried to help me, I am very grateful.

I am very sad today. I am almost in tears as I type this. The Kundalini is now setting about destroying everything that I identified with. Everyone in my family is now ill: my sister, my brother and my mum and dad. The Kundalini is now trying to break through into my brain even whilst I am awake, and I am aware of the horrors that await me when it does: derealization, depersonalisation, anxiety, depression. I understand that when it does break through, everything will appear unreal and dream-like, and the thought of this utterly terrifies me.

There are several conclusions I have drawn. The first one being that the loving ‘Father God’ archetype is complete nonsense. It is sheer man-made bullshittery. No one cares about us ‘out there’. I have been fighting VERY hard to stop my life going over a cliff. I have ended up on anti-depressants twice but have managed to keep going and rise above it. But this evil Kundalini thing wants to wreck EVERYTHING and push me back into depression and anxiety. I keep hoping for help from God, but it never comes. It never will come, because God doesn’t exist. I have discovered this the hard way, by realising that I could only ever hope to rely on myself and my own willpower. I am really afraid now, really very scared.

The second conclusion I reached is that there is no support for all this, and far too much nonsense talked about it by ‘gurus’. These people can’t seem to accept that Kundalini is pure evil. Well I have experienced it for five years, and I can tell you, it is pure, concentrated f*cking evil. I never had depression before this f*cker hit me, even when I was on dialysis for six years. I never had concentration problems, or anxiety. I never cut myself. I never lost interest in the things I love, and neither was I confused about my beliefs. But this f*cker changed everything, and now there is nothing left to do except seek the ultimate release from it. I accept that it has beaten me, but I will NOT give it the triumph of putting me in a mental hospital. It is HORRIBLE. It has caused me the worst mental pain I have experienced in my entire life. I keep waiting for things to get better, but they never do. If anything, they get worse. To all those bearded, smiling, saffron-wearing, be-turbaned gurus out there making a living from this: **** you. You should be helping people, yet your new age flowery language is unfathomable to most ordinary folk.

The third and final conclusion I have reached is that this evil Kundalini is going to cause national suicide rates to rocket, if it is not already doing so.

Today I have realised the writing is on the wall. I just can’t see a happy future for myself. Times are hard. This Kundalini shit aside, I am about to be shoved on to Universal Credit with the rest of the sick and disabled, which basically means 5 to 12 weeks without any money.

I’ve reached the limits of my endurance.

Tannhauser

‘She’ is destroying me. ‘She’ is causing the most terrible feelings. ‘She’ is utterly demonic. Today I feel very violent and could easily stab someone. Earlier, I felt lost and burst into tears like a baby. I don’t know who I really am anymore and it is very frightening. I am trying to grab on to anything to avoid a full blown breakdown. It feels like this isn’t my reality anymore. It isn’t my world. I can’t believe this is happening to me after everything I have gone through. And you know what? No one gives a fuck, and they will only finally give a fuck after I’ve dropped myself off a local railway viaduct.

This is my last word on this subject. There is no support out there for this. But I cannot stress to people how totally evil and sick Kundalini really is. It is EVIL!!!!!! I have ‘something’ which comes in through my head and blows my stomach up so much it becomes uncomfortable, and there is also another force which is trying to push itself into my head. It is all just too much.

Goodbye,

Tannhauser.

I would like to communicate with you.

13 years fills me with horror. My experience has only been going on for six years.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser

No, don’t pretend. Don’t pretend to fix this, because you cant. And neither can I. I am losing my mind to this thing and I’m fucking terrified.

I want the world to be like it used to be six years ago, and I want my mind to go back to normal. Instead, I grow more spaced out with each passing day: every week another tiny fragment of my former self disappears, but it isn’t being replaced by anything. I am the incredible disappearing man. The only thing that makes me feel anything approaching normal is hard alcohol. Religion has let me down very badly, and I can find no consolation in it. I am also losing interest in things I used to enjoy doing.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser