My insecurities are affecting my relationships..

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This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 2 months ago by Eliana.

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September 6, 2017 at 8:17 pm #167556
Annie
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Recently I’ve been feeling jealous and envious of my boyfriend’s social life. It just seems he meets the right kind of people and hit things off well, while for me it’s hard to meet people, more or less make new friends or keep old friends. My boyfriend and I are both INFP’s and are usually the quiet types. I usually tend to stay home most times because there’s not much places to go (I don’t drive) and have no job, while he works so he’s out most times. I have thought about getting a job and tried applying for a few but never been hired.. This makes me feel useless and have no self confidence in myself at all. I feel really helpless. Not to mention I have bad social anxiety and feel depressed at times.

Today I had class with my boyfriend. We talked into his old dance building and saw some people who know him and were happy to see him. His dance teacher was really happy to see him, but when he saw he has a girlfriend, he said “He has a girlfriend? That’s not right. He’s still so young.” We are in our 20s. Somehow that comment upsetted me and made me feel uncomfortable and don’t belong there. I’m very sensitive and sometimes I dislike it. I didn’t tell him but he probably felt I was upset but didn’t say anything. In class, we had to do measurement lab and I was hoping to work with him alone, but he ended up working and talking mostly with another guy in class. I felt lonely because again I had no other friend and it just seems he already made a new friend there. So I just worked by myself. After class, we went to my house and I still felt upset so we just sat there for some minutes saying nothing to each other. He just grabbed his phone and looked at it the whole time. (This happens every time I am upset about something and some times he just decides to leave instead of talking about it in person.) Then he decided to leave instead of staying and talking to me and when I asked him he told me he was tired. I felt even more upset and anxious because I wanted him to cheer me up or talk to me. I feel bad for being upset with him because it’s not his fault but it’s hard for me to do sometimes. And he said he would help me through it but it just seems he doesn’t care or try.

I am aware it is my problem. I don’t know how to deal with it and have no one in person to talk to other than him about stuff. Sometimes I’m afraid of losing him because of how I am and ended up cheering him up even though I’m sad or still feel angry.
- This topic was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by tinybuddha.
- This topic was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Annie.
- This topic was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Annie.
September 7, 2017 at 4:36 am #167654

Francesca
Participant

Hi Annie,

What you’re going through is so tough and I happened upon your post by accident and am glad I did. First and foremost, it sounds like your social anxiety and depression are key factors in what you’re experiencing. Not being able to get a job, have or keep friends, etc. Have you thought of therapy?

As for the boyfriend, it’s important to state what you’re feeling and not be afraid to own it. I, too, used to hide my feelings and expect my partner to know what I needed rather than tell him. As a married woman who’s gone to therapy, I was told to not assume. It’s the worst for relationships when you have hidden expectations Don’t assume he knows what you’re going through.

In the dance class situation, it would bother me as well but the most important part is focusing on getting better. What you’ve said so far makes it sound like you allow the world to act upon you. How often do you reach out to people? Do you make an effort to have a conversation with your boyfriend? We often expect others to do all the work when in reality we have to make an effort.

Also, why did your boyfriend date you to begin with? There is obviously something he loves about you. Maybe it’s hard for him to handle seeing you cave in and withdraw. I know I don’t know all the facts and there are so many deeper levels to your situation.

Just know you’re not alone and everything will work towards getting better. One step at a time.

September 7, 2017 at 5:19 am #167666

Inky
Participant

Hi Annie,

The dance teacher sounds weird, why would any student be too young to have a girlfriend? Even children have boyfriends/girlfriends LOL! So that very statement made no sense! So don’t think anything of it!

It’s hard when friends (much less boyfriends) are the same personality type as us and yet people flock to them. Is it because he drives? Works? Who knows. Maybe he’s more extroverted than you think!

It bothers me that he doesn’t deal with you at all when times are bad (when he grabs his phone). That means he has checked out and only likes it when everyone’s happy. Very surface-y way of relating to people.

And yes, go to therapy for the depression.

Best,

Inky

September 7, 2017 at 5:46 am #167670

Eliana
Participant

Hi Annie,

Your boyfriend probably wants to help, but doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know if he needs to give you advice or “fix you” or what he needs to do, so he shuts down. It sounds like he was trying when he took you to the dance class hoping you would like it and maybe take dance lessons with him? The remarks the teacher said were innapropriate, because he is not “too young” to have a girlfriend..please. Maybe she has No one or single and was jealous.

I would not “shut down” with your boyfriend. Just tell him what you are going through, and you are not “expecting” him to make you happy or solve your problems. As far as your social anxiety, there are plenty of medications that can help with that. I take a benzodiazepine and an antidepressant and it has been a Godsend. Along with counseling, I can now talk to people, although, like you, I do not drive, and I am on SSDI disability and don’t have much income to do alot of things. I started off slow. Like just walking around a dog park because I love animals. If I saw an animal I liked, I would ask the owner if I could pet it, and try to engage in small talk. I also took computer classes. That way, I felt I didn’t have to talk to someone, but it gave me some meaning. Then I started working at a crisis center answering calls from people in distress. I didn’t have to talk alot with co-workers, since I was on the phones all the time. Now I volunteer at an animal shelter. I find working with animals brings me comfort, peace and joy. The best thing to do is talk to your boyfriend and tell him you will get the help you need. But in the meantime, you would appreciate it, if he could be understanding and just hear you, and not shut down.

September 7, 2017 at 12:54 pm #167746

Annie
Participant

Hi Francesca. Thank you for the reply.

I can’t afford therapy since I’m a college student. Mostly I keep to myself but meeting my boyfriend, I feel I tell him a lot more of how I feel at times and my thoughts. But sometimes it’s hard because I don’t know why I have a big reaction to something most people find small or insignificant. Most times he’s just quiet and I’m the one talking most times, in good or bad moments. We have talked about this many times before and thought about how to deal with it but when I get like this, sometimes it’s like we forget we had that conversation. It doesn’t help that he’s the type that keeps to himself too and I tell him to let me know what he’s thinking or feeling. Sometimes he doesn’t tell unless we fight or when I ask him about it. I try putting effort to understanding each other by occasionally having discussions and asking random personal questions I find online.

I do tend to have expectations and assume he should know since I’ve told him that I have anxiety and I’m insecure. It’s something hard to change without therapy but I wish there was something effective that I could try without therapy or anything costly. I don’t know who to reach out to and who’s reliable.

We had this talk a while ago and he said he liked that I was positive and kind. We were fine in the beginning but after almost a year we started fighting a lot. He told me sometimes when I’m like this it’s hard to be around me. But that is also when I need him the most for emotional support.

September 7, 2017 at 1:04 pm #167748

Annie
Participant

Hi Inky. Thank you for your reply.

I know I shouldn’t let it affect our relationship but at times I can’t help it and don’t know how to deal with negative emotions in a healthy way so I end up shutting other out. I try to explain things to him but then he forgets the next time and it’s like we never talked about it. He doesn’t drive either but he does work. His coworkers and manager are always nice to him, giving him free food every break time. I am happy for him that he meets so much nice people but I do feel a little jealous of him. It just seems he has a lot of people there for him while I don’t. He has a lot of friends and know a lot of people but he is generally very quiet person so he doesn’t talk much, like me. I can’t afford therapy because I’m a poor college student. I was just trying to see if I could fix this without it.

September 7, 2017 at 1:11 pm #167750

Annie
Participant

Hi Eliana, thank you for replying. No we just happened to pass through the dance building. Plus he took dance classes before so I don’t think he wants to take it again. His dance teacher is a guy and he is gay. I was wondering if there’s a way to naturally work with anxiety without counseling or medicine. We do talk about our situations and my thoughts/feelings but he is just tired of it.

September 7, 2017 at 2:16 pm #167756

Patrick
Participant

Dear Annie,

You mention that you’re jealous of your boyfriend’s ability to make friends and his talents and work that lead him away from your for hours at a time. It sounds just like you said, your problem and don’t take that the wrong way because I’m here to tell you this is fixable. Very much fixable.

He cares about you, but I feel that deep down, he knows he can’t fix you, because this is within your state of mind. That is why he feels distant and argumentative and callous. It’s hard for him to deal with other people’s issues, because we all have our own issues and I’m sure he does too. But the good thing about this issue is that it can be resolved by changing perspective a little bit.

The main element that is causing issues here is your comparison to persons other than yourself. A combination of fear and shame that you may not be good enough for him, or for other people. The chakras associated with these blockages are the solar plexus and root chakras and I’m mentioning this because you seem to be looking for more ways of dealing with these feelings and perhaps meditation and chakras cleansing could be of interest to you. Just a suggestion, but it has helped me tremendously and it can for you too (I believe).

So just understand that in this situation, you must love yourself for everything you are. You must be proud to be you, whether you are friends with everyone or no one, whether you are shy or not. Find the greatest things about you, and focus on those, not the greatest things about your boyfriend and how YOU aren’t HIM. Be YOU and be happy to be you, because if there’s anything that guys like and give attention to, it’s a girl who feels good in her own skin. I hope this helps you Annie

September 7, 2017 at 4:31 pm #167774

Eliana
Participant

Hi Annie,

It sounds like your anxiety is pretty severe. I think if there is a way you could have worked on it on your own you would have. It can’t be willed away, despite our best intentions. Sometimes, we have to let go of our pride, and if we want to save our relationship, we need to ask for help from a professional. Sometimes anxiety is learned and becomes a chemical imbalance in our brain. We would not want to deny a diabetic insulin, so we should not deny ouuselves medication and therapy. Your boyfriend has told you ” he is tired of it” so maybe tell him, you will seek professional help. Maybe he can go with you. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help.

September 9, 2017 at 9:37 am #168034

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

You wrote: “He told me sometimes when I’m like this it’s hard to be around me. But that is also when I need him the most for emotional support… don’t know how to deal with negative emotions in a healthy way so I end up shutting other out”-

There is a way to reach out effectively to others when feeling distressed. Instead of shutting down/ withdrawing, on one hand, and fighting, on the other, there is the middle way: expressing your emotions honestly while taking responsibility for them and doing so respectfully. It is about not expecting the other to solve your problems, but taking any help you can get, any that is available to you, and making the best of it.

Somehow, the two of you need to feel safe in each other’s company, not under a possible attack-to-come, not careful, cautious. The two of you need to know that no matter how any one of you feels, there is no attack, no fight about to happen.

You asked about how to help your anxiety without therapy- this is one way: having a safe relationship. Even in psychotherapy, no help can take place unless the client feels safe with the therapist, accepted, approved of, not about to be criticized or attacked in any way.

There is healing possible in the context of your relationship, if the belief in safety in it can be established.

anita

September 11, 2017 at 6:04 pm #168352

Eliana
Participant

Hi Annie,

I was just seeing how you are doing, and hope you are feeling better about things.
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