My husband is always worried about the future

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This topic has 18 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 5 months ago by Peggy.

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July 24, 2019 at 11:09 am #304711

Anonymous
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Dear Diletta:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation of me. When you are ready, after thinking and considering, feel free to return to your thread. I will be glad to read from you and reply when you do.

anita

July 25, 2019 at 4:38 am #304827

Peggy
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Hi Diletta,

I am glad that you have taken on board some of the perspectives that you have been given. You have been with your husband for over 30 years and he has always been anxious. In the earlier days, he could hide his anxiety behind finances, but now you are OK financially, he has transferred his anxiety to impending old age and death.

People who post, including myself, frequently say that you can’t change the other person, you can only change yourself. Your husband has to want and be willing to change for his anxiety to be less of a problem for him and, by association, for you. Worrying is a bad habit – as long as he has put reasonable plans in place for the future this should help him deal with his angst. Some of this angst probably came from the environment he grew up in particularly bearing in mind the inherited health issues.

There is nothing wrong with you seeing him in the way you described – we are all multi layered – and it sounds to me as if you have a fairly close relationship and are able to discuss things. It sounds a bit drastic to me to suggest that if your husband doesn’t comply with certain terms regarding therapy etc. that you should leave him for your own peace of mind.

Your own peace of mind and serenity has to come from you. Painting can be a great form of meditation as it takes your thoughts away from ‘the problem’. I suggested in an earlier post that you could think about joining an art group and go on the occasional excursion with them. Giving yourself a break in this way could enable you to return refreshed. You might also consider taking up an exercise routine to help you stay balanced – you might find that it gives you a feel good factor as well as all the other benefits it can have.

I hope you and your husband can work this out and continue to be by each other’s side in a loving and supportive way.

With my very best wishes.

Peggy

July 25, 2019 at 7:04 am #304841

Diletta
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Dear Peggy, your description has hit the mark. When we were younger, trying to solve our economic problems was something that committed us full time. Now that we have reached a more stable situation, sometimes I almost get the impression that my husband is “forced” by his own character to create new worries. In fact he is a very active person, unable to enjoy a vacation. It’s not his fault if he has such a character. His family past certainly influences, his mother died at 93 and up to the last she worried about anything, we tried to calm her but for her it was impossible.
Sometimes I fantasize about leaving it, but I think it happens to almost all couples. Over the years I have realized that I am a solitary person, I do not hate others but often they make me suffer while when I’m alone I’m serene (but I must also say that I have never lived alone, so I could be wrong).
But I don’t think I leave him. He didn’t do me any harm, he’s not perfect but neither am I, I’m a very private person and I live mainly in my inner world, not that this is a positive thing but it’s like that. I have never tried to change him, I just try to change my hypersensitive reactions so as not to sadden me unnecessarily when he is anxious about old age. For me it is not a problem, I try to take life with serenity. I must say that my husband does not worry about his death per se, but only because he thinks that I would be alone. This is true but what is the point of caring now and living badly? Above all, in our country, retirement homes for the elderly certainly do not lack.
Thanks again for everything. Being able to talk is a great relief for me.

July 25, 2019 at 9:57 am #304871

Peggy
Participant

Hi Diletta,

I just thought that I’d add in that whilst your husband’s mother died at 93, mine died at 83. My father was a few years older than her and there was an assumption that he would die first. That didn’t happen. There is always a way that you can be cared for whether that means a retirement home or hiring some help in your own home for as long as you can live independently.

I agree with you that it is better to live your life as it is today than be overly concerned about the future. I hope you can reach a compromise with your husband on this.

Best wishes

Peggy
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