My hand on the doorknob, again

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October 10, 2022 at 6:48 pm #408295

iamone
Participant

My title is a metaphor for considering ending my existence. I am not sure how I got here, again. I thank you for listening, and I apologize for being negative. I did read a few other posts and it reminded me that things could be a lot worse for me. I also went many years without feeling down at all. I can’t believe I am here again, feeling at my end.

I am tired of failure. I was fired from a job I hated by a very horrible supervisor. Losing the job wasn’t that big of a deal. But I didn’t consider that when I apply for any other jobs, that horrible person would be the one giving me a recommendation, or better said non-recommendation. On top of this I totally put myself out there and completed an internship in another field at a place with people I didn’t know. They thought I was horrible at what I do (I think that was very harsh; it takes time to build up your confidence and become skilled at some things). As someone who used to succeed at everything I do, this was a huge blow. Fast forward four years, I apply for a job and they contact these people. They say to steer clear of me. And that is the end. No new job for me. And there is likely no way I will ever work again because the small-minded losers are telling the only story anyone is listening to.

I go back and forth on this. I really didn’t want the job (a bereavement counselor). I also truly have no respect for the supervisor or team that treated me like some horrendous threat to the well-being of any kid I come in contact with. At the same time, I have always been immensely sensitive to what others think of me. And I always saw myself as successful. And here I am, two masters degrees (not from good schools, of course (another dagger to my heart)) and jobless.

I have to add that I don’t absolutely have to work. I mean, how lucky is that? But I feel like a complete loser in life. People I grew up with are doctors, lawyers, business professionals, or are married to them. Seriously. I’m the only person I know that blew it in the career arena. I felt like a loser as a child and teen, and now I feel like a loser as an adult, with all my life behind me, and I feel no desire to go on.

In writing I realize it’s pretty ridiculous. Many people, especially women, don’t get their meaning from their work. So why do I feel I need that in my life to validate my existence?

And I do have other things I could try (art, writing), but I am reticent to try anything else. I’ve failed so many times, I don’t feel I can handle another failure.

And the worst part of everything is I’m old. I feel like why even bother. I realize I could just call this retirement, and really, isn’t this what a lot of people do at my age? But it feels so empty. I have nothing. No friends, I live in a place I despise. I have a dog which I love. I want to move, but I am so depressed I doubt I could make friends. Plus I have to be honest, no one wants to be friends with old people. Ageism is real, and it’s horrible.

Just writing this has made me feel better. What does that mean? But as I talk about the prospect of failing again and again and again and feeling lonely for year after year after year, I feel like giving up again.

I guess my question – how do I find meaning in something other than work? Also I’m just writing to get support from someone.

October 10, 2022 at 8:31 pm #408296

Anonymous
Guest

Dear iamone: I will read and reply to you in about 11 hours from now.

anita

October 11, 2022 at 6:27 am #408301

iamone
Participant

Hi Anita –

You don’t need to respond to me. I’ll be fine and just needed to get it out. I almost didn’t post. Anyway – thanks!

October 11, 2022 at 6:57 am #408305

Anonymous
Guest

Dear iamone:

Please let me know if you change your mind regarding me responding to you: I would like to, but of course, only if it is okay with you.

anita

October 11, 2022 at 8:01 am #408307

Tee
Participant

Dear iamone,

I am sorry you are feeling very low and finding no meaning in anything. I’ve taken a look at your previous thread, where you said:

I was one of those gifted children, and I thought I would achieve so much! But here I am having so little.

Here, you say:

I felt like a loser as a child and teen, and now I feel like a loser as an adult.

As a gifted child, you still felt like a loser. What do you think contributed to that? It seems that even though you were a gifted child and felt quite competent as a youth (you felt you would achieve much), someone gave you the message that you were a loser, i.e. that you weren’t good enough.

I believe this might be at the core of why you didn’t have a desired success in your career, and why you feel you’ve failed many times (I’ve failed so many times, I don’t feel I can handle another failure.).

And the worst part of everything is I’m old. No one wants to be friends with old people. Ageism is real, and it’s horrible.

If I understood well, you are 56. That’s not old. It is your perception that you are old. But I understand that when we feel low and defeated, everything seems much worse than it is.

I am not trying to minimize your problems – just that if you look at things from the perspective of “I am a loser and I’ve failed”, then it’s hard. That’s why I think you need to get to the bottom of the problem and challenge the notion (the false belief) that you are a loser.

October 11, 2022 at 9:52 am #408313

iamone
Participant

Interestingly, I did examine this last night! I figured out exactly when I went from confident and hopeful to dark and withdrawn. It is when I started moving into adolescence and realized I wasn’t excelling in every way as I had hoped. Specifically I noticed I wasn’t as good looking as other girls (at least that was my perception). I was rejected by the boy I liked so very much (and rightfully so, I might add). But he had no romantic interest in me. And we would talk and he would talk about the girls he did like, and they were the thin, very good-looking type. That rejection went to my core, and in truth I don’t think I’ve ever recovered. I took rejection so deeply, perhaps, because I grew up without a father. At that time I also started noticing that we had much less money than everyone around us, and I was from a broken family on top of that. So I felt like a loser, and I’ve never stopped feeling that way. Of course I can reason why I shouldn’t feel that way. But it is so deeply ingrained, it’s hard to escape it. Interestingly, someone asked me what I enjoy doing (trying to get me out of my dark depression). I realized I really enjoy very little. My entire life has been focused on trying to achieve things that will make others see me as respectable or acceptable. I try to make my house beautiful. I live in a nice area. I paint paintings, but I think I do it to be able to say – Look! I’m a successful artist! rather than because I enjoy it. I do enjoy exploring ideas (researching/thinking/writing), I guess, but still there is that voice within that says if I write well, I will finally be accepted.

Basically, I have lived and continue to live a shame-based life. Everything I do is an effort to get rid of the shame. Interesting, I read last night and realized the core of shame is lack of self-love. We really don’t care what anyone else thinks of us. We just want to think well of ourselves, and we think if we can get others to approve of us that will happen. But really, what others think doesn’t matter at all. All that matters is what I think of myself. And it is true. I know that if I focus on loving and accepting myself, the pain and anger dissipates. But it’s tough. And when people treat me unkindly or unfairly, it definitely fans the fire.

The age thing is a little different. Yea, I’m not that old. AND – it helps for me to remember that everyone ages! Even people who have been super successful. I watched a video of Paul Simon singing last night. Here he is, one of the most successful musicians of all time, and he is humbly trying to make it through one of his songs with a voice that can no longer hit all the notes or make the lovely sounds it was once able to. It reminded me that all of us must be humble and gentle on ourselves, that that is part of being human.

Thanks for listening and sharing. It gives me a little hope.

October 11, 2022 at 11:44 pm #408339

shookie
Participant

Hi Aimone,

I hope this read finds you well. I was getting ready to write a post & saw yours and it saddened me because my life has mirrored yours. I am close to your age had great parents and traveled a lot due to my Fathers job as an adult, I followed his footsteps and had jobs with a lot of responsibility and travel involved which I enjoyed. I retired a few months ago due to feeling to old to start a new job. In spite of only being in your 50s, you are not old, only as old as you let yourself feel.

I have had bad relationships most of my life & would like to move. I don’t feel things would be that different anywhere else until I get my life in order. I have animals also and their happiness is very important to me so I don’t want to take them from the only home they have ever known & my sweet 9-year-old fur baby has a heart condition, FIV, and an upper respiratory infection.

I have moved enough unless you are sure don’t just pack up on a whim and move unless it is for a good reason because you will take pain with you wherever you move and you will be in a strange city with people you don’t know.

I used to be very open and trusting with people and that window closes a bit every day as I talk and meet new people. Too many are not honest and have no compassion for other people’s feelings. Don’t let your old boss’s actions dictate how you live. You deserve happiness and you will find it whether it is a friend, job, new friends, or love.

Treat yourself today. Go to the salon or spa and relax. You are reaching out and that says a lot. You are on a long journey & still have time to turn your life around.

If you like movies buy the Red Tent DVD, such a great movie. It makes me realize how lucky I am even with the pain that life has a path for us, put your trust in God’s Hands…He will guide you.

Have a nice day~

Shookie

October 12, 2022 at 2:54 am #408345

Tee
Participant

Dear iamone,

you are welcome. I am glad that what I’ve written gave you at least a little hope.

I figured out exactly when I went from confident and hopeful to dark and withdrawn. It is when I started moving into adolescence and realized I wasn’t excelling in every way as I had hoped. Specifically I noticed I wasn’t as good looking as other girls (at least that was my perception).

I was rejected by the boy I liked so very much (and rightfully so, I might add). But he had no romantic interest in me. And we would talk and he would talk about the girls he did like, and they were the thin, very good-looking type. That rejection went to my core, and in truth I don’t think I’ve ever recovered. I took rejection so deeply, perhaps, because I grew up without a father.

It’s good that you’ve realized when exactly you lost your confidence. Puberty and adolescence are usually the time when we start suffering more (at least I did), because we are sensitive to rejection by our peers, specially by our romantic interests. I too started suffering when I was 16-17, having realized that I am not super pretty and that some other girls attracted much more of the boys’ interest. I started believing that I was ugly, boring and completely undesirable. And I also thought that perhaps I have a few pounds too many, while those model-looking girls are thinner… so I thought if I only lost weight, I’d be more desirable. That’s how my anorexia started, which later turned into bulimia…

Much later I’ve realized that my sense of being unlovable and undesirable wasn’t because I wasn’t super attractive or super popular, but because I was deeply wounded as a child, with my mother sending me a message that I wasn’t good enough. Criticizing me, belittling me, not praising me, scolding me for the slightest mistake…

What I am trying to say is that the rejection I’ve experienced in my adolescence hurt me so much because I was already wounded, because I already felt unloved and undesirable to my mother. (Perceived) rejection by boys and peers was just a trigger for that wound to open and keep getting bigger and bigger… until it lead me to an eating disorder.

I believe that in your case too, you felt rejected and not good enough and unworthy even before this boy rejected you. And you could be right – it could be because you grew up without a father. Perhaps you, in your child’s mind, believed that it was your fault that your father abandoned you? That you weren’t good enough and that’s why he left? It could also be that you didn’t receive enough love and validation from your mother, and that’s why you felt rejected/unappreciated?

My entire life has been focused on trying to achieve things that will make others see me as respectable or acceptable. I try to make my house beautiful. I live in a nice area. I paint paintings, but I think I do it to be able to say – Look! I’m a successful artist! rather than because I enjoy it.

From what you’ve written, it seems to me that you are looking for validation – for others to tell you how important and special you are – because this is something you haven’t received in your childhood. What do you think, could this be the reason?

October 12, 2022 at 8:03 am #408354

iamone
Participant

Thank you so, so much for your kind words. It is comforting to me to know someone else has experienced similar things and feelings, and I felt that you truly have. I’m glad you have wonderful pets to fill your days with love and joy, too.

I hear what you are saying about moving. And as I look back on all the times I have moved in an effort to make my life better, it generally hasn’t worked. I actually moved here wanting a fresh start. It took a lot of courage to go into a new place in a new town and try to do an internship. This is partially why how they treated me is so painful. So I partly want to get away from them and the memory of that experience. But also I do believe some places will have more people you can relate to and some fewer. Although maybe that’s not true. The worst part about where I live is there are few places to walk and enjoy nature, and these things are essential to my well-being. Plus I’m trying to move somewhere that is less likely to be severely impacted by climate change. Still, I hear what you are saying about not just picking up and moving. I have to resist my escapist inclinations toward that.

I’ve been trying to smile more. It’s surprising how much that helps. I also read a blog by a woman who had to start over with no money at 50, and how she did it! She said she had to make age a non-issue. It’s a good idea. I also have this quote about being the hero of your own story. I need to remember that and embrace my heroic side!

Another source of pain is the loneliness. I used to be a pretty good conversationalist. I don’t know how to get back to that place, although I have on occasion started to talk to someone and noticed that the conversation just flowed. We connected! I hardly ever have that happen, though. It’s another reason I thought of moving – to increase the likelihood of finding someone to connect with like that. But that it might be better somewhere else may be an illusion.

trying to be happy . . .

i-am-one

October 12, 2022 at 8:05 am #408355

iamone
Participant

Of course you can reply to anything I write! I just am amazed at how earnestly you respond to everyone, and I thought I’d offer you a break :-).

October 12, 2022 at 9:14 am #408360

shookie
Participant

Hi Aimone,

I feel a smile on your face. You must have gotten up this morning feeling better I hope.

Sweatheart loneliness is hitting all of us and I live with it on a daily basis. As we get older our loved ones pass away & eventually we are alone. No one explained those feelings growing up & maybe someone will write a book on the subject of being the last of your clan. It can really be confusing because you pull up feelings you never knew you had. Like picking up the phone to give my parents daily or more calls & you realize they are no longer with me.

Life is what we make of it, always take care of your animals and yourself because no one knows you as you do and never will.

Enjoy the day!

Shookie~

October 12, 2022 at 2:48 pm #408375

Anonymous
Guest

Dear iamone

Back in July 2021, in your first thread, you wrote: “I am sort of being a spoiled brat about life. It’s as if I’m saying: I’m not going to be happy unless I have a perfect life“. This sentence, together with your abundant negative attitude regarding people and places (wherever you go), makes me think of a petulant (yet precious) little girl who having arrived late to a birthday party (because someone forgot to invite her, someone overlooked her), she sees that the birthday cake is all gone and everyone in the party ate it except for her, she refuses to eat anything else that’s offered to her. She may try this or that.. but she spits it out, angrily protesting: this sucks! you suck! you all suck!!!

She refuses to enjoy anything until and unless someone makes it up to her for overlooking her in the first place. Is my imagining off.. or does it speak to you?

anita

October 12, 2022 at 6:12 pm #408382

iamone
Participant

Wow – we have a lot in common. I was totally obsessed with being thin from high school through college. Like you, I finally learned it wasn’t the weight that was in the way. But with me, I finally lost weight, then men started becoming interested in me, and I got pregnant :-/. Anyway – Yes I agree that my strong need for acceptance is probably because I didn’t feel loved as a child. My mom was a really wonderful person. But I was the youngest by five years. I wonder if I was a neglected a bit when I was I young. I do remember some of my key memories involve being alone. And I did feel abandoned by my dad. I did see him every once in a while, but all I did was criticize. I actually have quite a few of the symptoms for an attachment disorder. Again I can’t believe my mom didn’t give me the love I needed, but perhaps I was left out too much :-(. I have tried to strengthen my self-love. I tell myself “I love myself” and “I am loved” over and over, and it does help. I don’t know what else to do to overcome the effects of not receiving enough love or attention as a child. I also grew up in the Mormon church. I don’t know if this helped or not. I did feel a very strong faith in God from a young age, and I truly believed he loved me and that I was special. At the same time, I was reminded continually that our family was broken (the family is the primary focus of the church), and so maybe the net influence of the church was negative.

How have you overcome the lack of love in your early life?

October 12, 2022 at 6:23 pm #408383

iamone
Participant

Ha ha – it does speak to me! Sometimes I think low self-esteem is really caused by excessive pride. Like – I am better than this crappy life! I deserve the best, and I won’t be happy until I have that life! So, just like you are saying. I definitely could use a dose of humility. I look at very successful or famous people. At some point even they had to accept that they were at the bottom or at the beginning, be vulnerable and just try. And then you are just grateful for whatever good comes. I think most happy people are like that. At the same time, I do think there is an underlying lack of security. I am desperate for approval because I didn’t get it as a child. I also, though, have been in the wrong field. I haven’t been true to who I am and the gifts I’ve been given.

October 12, 2022 at 8:27 pm #408384

Anonymous
Guest

Dear iamone:

“It’s as if I’m saying: I’m not going to be happy unless I have a perfect life.. I am better than this crappy life! I deserve the best, and I won’t be happy until I have this life“-

– would you like to define “perfect life” and “crappy life“?

“I haven’t been true to who I am and the gifts I’ve been given“- if you would like to answer: who are you and who gave you gifts?

anita
Author

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