Home→Forums→Relationships→My GF keeps talking about her past sex life and I don’t know why it bothers me?
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Helcat.
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May 16, 2024 at 9:13 am #432710
alexParticipantMy M/47 gf F/52 have been together since we first met seven months ago. We met on OLD and it was an instant connection. We practically lived at each other’s house from the first week. We moved in together about 2.5 months ago. I know all of this sounds very naive but we had a very intense emotional connection. She took me home to see her parents for thanksgiving and her grandparents for Christmas.
I am confused about several things she says or has said from the beginning. We were sexually active for the first few months and it has slowed down gradually. Mostly because the moving in together was not a good idea and is causing a lot of emotional turmoil and arguments. Anyway, she asked me when we first met “If sex is important to me”? I said yes what about you. and she replied “I’ve had so much and I’ve been so lucky to have such great sex, that I don’t care anymore”. I let it slide thinking she’s flexing. Now several months into it, she still occasionally mentions all the great sex she’s had and her sex drive is not the same anymore so she doesn’t care. She knows that I care a lot about sex and my drive is fine. She seems very invested emotionally and sometimes she mentions getting married. When we have sex, it is truly outstanding. But she also knows that I’m very sensitive and uncomfortable listening about her past, it does not sit well with, create jealousy and unnecessary insecurity in me and I’ve never been insecure with any of my previous partners. So why does she keep bringing it up? I have been very vocal that I find it disrespectful and hurtful. That we should focus on having the best sex of our lives and even if we are not having it or she doesn’t think we are sexually compatible/doesn’t think of me as a “great sex” partner, why keep mentioning your past with other people.
How am I expected to respond to this if I value her but I also value my mental health?
May 16, 2024 at 11:05 am #432733
HelcatParticipantHi Alex
It’s pretty common for couples to discuss their previous sex lives. I’m sorry to hear that you have been arguing. Are your arguments related to your topic today? Or other things too?
It sounds to me like she might be hinting that her regularly engaging in sex years are behind her. She is older than you, perhaps she is going through menopause which actively changes sexual drive for women? I hear it can change a lot of things during sex too.
For women who say have had a hysterectomy sex can be very difficult too. There are lots of things that women have to deal with while for men, not as much changes.
Perhaps you fear that her comments reflect on your performance? But perhaps she is trying to communicate her personal difficulties?
It might be worth looking online for information about menopause and things that can help with that for sex. Not because of you, but to help her.
Realistically though, she may not want to have sex as frequently as you do. How do you feel about that?
Wishing you all the best? ❤️🙏
May 16, 2024 at 11:06 am #432734HelcatParticipant*-?
May 16, 2024 at 11:22 am #432735
anitaParticipantDear Alex:
You shared that 7 months ago, when you (47), first met your girlfriend (52), she asked you: is sex important to you? You answered: yes, what about you?, and she answered: “I’ve had so much and I’ve been so lucky to have such great sex, that I don’t care anymore“. After spending a lot of time together for about 4.5 months, you moved in together. During your 2.5 months of living together, when you have sex, “it is truly outstanding“, and she “seems very invested emotionally and sometimes she mentions getting married“. But “she still occasionally mentions all the great sex she’s had, and her sex drive is not the same anymore, so she doesn’t care“. You have let her know that you “find it disrespectful and hurtful” that she talks about her past sex life, yet she keeps talking about it, which leads to “a lot of emotional turmoil and arguments“.
“I am confused… why does she keep bringing it up?… or she doesn’t think we are sexually compatible/doesn’t think of me as a ‘great sex’ partner, why keep mentioning your past with other people“-
– first, indeed it is hurtful and disrespectful for a romantic partner to talk about their .. allegedly glowing past sex-life with past partners, and after you told her, and repeatedly, that you feel hurt and disrespected by it. I would say that at this point, it is emotionally abusive on her part.
Why does she keep bringing it up? Possibly, she is disturbed by her aging, getting close to menopause, feeling less attractive, and she proceeds to brag about her past sex life, so to over compensating for her lowered sexual confidence. Maybe she is afraid that you will eventually reject her because she is getting older, so she’s trying to lower your sexual confidence, so to prevent you from leaving her. Maybe she is a very impulsive person who can’t control the content of her talk.
Did you ask her why she is doing this (I imagine you did), what did she say in response?
“How am I expected to respond to this if I value her but I also value my mental health?“- you value her, but she needs to value your mental health. If she doesn’t.. you are in a bad relationship.
anita
May 16, 2024 at 11:27 am #432739alexParticipantThank you, Alex. I appreciate your comments and perspective. You are correct about her sex drive not being the same anymore but she still enjoys sex very much. This is an outlier as a person at least for someone like me who has been married twice so I’ve had very few partners in life. She lost her virginity at 14 which I find a little disturbing and then had 1-2 year relationships with several men till now so that math makes my head spin. This is a very sexual person in the sense the type of sex she enjoys and talks about having enjoyed in the past, is very outside the comfort zone of most people like me. She likes to have no control, she likes to be hurt, she has very dark and some even illegal fantasies she likes to act out. My point is, this is a very sexual person. On top of that, her work is in the porn industry (not in front of the camera though). She has been writing and directing porn for 20 years. Again, very sexual person who’s had very diverse and vast amount of sexual exposure. It took me some time to get over all of that because maybe I felt very insecure at the get go because I felt I don’t stack up, I haven’t been around as much.
I have two dilemas. One, was there a need for me to know all these details about how many guys and how much sex and the quality of sex she’s had when I was very clear about boundaries and that this makes me uncomfortable? Two, I am supportive of the menopause and the changes and I go to her doctors with her including her mammogram, Pap smear and everything. We are invested in each other deeply and care about our health and our emotions for each other. We want to stay together forever or a long time and maybe even get married. I wish she would tell me what ‘great sex’ means to her so we could at least try to replicate it. Maybe we will fail because of our age and our current bodies. But the content reference to ‘I’ve had so much and it was so great’ implies to me that she is not willing to even give us a chance. After all, I’m only asking for a normal holistic relationship that includes an emotional, physical and intellectual connection. If you deliberately remove one of the components because you’ve had enough of it and don’t care about it anymore, at least stop talking about your past and / or ask your partner if they’ve had enough of it and do they have an unmet need. The relationship is so great overall that I wish I was never introduced to all this info and even now if she promises to stop talking about it, I don’t care how great or non-great our sex lives are. We love each other and care for each other very deeply and I have no complaints about our sex life. I worry that she won’t stop talking about her past because maybe she is using it to have control over the relationship or has some sadism or narcissistic tendencies. I would never introduce any information into her headspace that would trouble her or make her anxious.
May 16, 2024 at 11:29 am #432741alexParticipantSorry I meant to say, Thank you “Hellcat”.
May 16, 2024 at 11:47 am #432742HelcatParticipantHi Alex
It’s good to hear that she enjoys her experiences with you.
Well sexual conversations for her are a very large part of her life. Not talking about it is asking her to hide who she is from you.
I can understand the discomfort with everything. I would think of it in this way. She was sexually assaulted as a child. It is common for sexual assault survivors to subject themselves to difficult sexual experiences afterwards.
My husband had a pornography addiction. He talks about it sometimes and it did make me feel uncomfortable. But it was also a big part of his life for a long time. I didn’t want him to feel ashamed of it. Perhaps she doesn’t want to hide who she is from you or to feel ashamed of it. If her past experiences are too much for you, perhaps she isn’t the right person for you.
We all have experiences and hers are unusual. But I’m sure that you can have empathy for the difficulties that she has had.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
May 16, 2024 at 12:24 pm #432743anitaParticipantDear Alex:
You might not have noticed (double posting), but I submitted a reply for you a few minutes before you submitted your 2nd post. If you didn’t notice it, you are welcome to read it.
Having read your 2nd post, indeed no wonder she talks about her sex life with previous partners- that has been her personal and work life in the pornographic industry for 20 years!
Not that she should. It is harmful to you. “I would never introduce any information into her headspace that would trouble her or make her anxious“- and neither should she.
“Was there a need for me to know all these details about how many guys and how much sex and the quality of sex she’s had when I was very clear about boundaries and that this makes me uncomfortable?… I worry that she won’t stop talking about her past because maybe she is using it to have control over the relationship or has some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“-
– living with a woman you suspect to have “some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“, while wanting to stay with her forever, or for a long time (“We want to stay together forever or a long time and maybe even get married“), how does it feel?
“This is an outlier as a person at least for someone like me who has been married twice so I’ve had very few partners in life”– maybe the outlier-in-her attracts the .. hidden outlier-in-you?
(We all have a hidden outlier within us, don’t we?)
anita
May 16, 2024 at 3:50 pm #432746alexParticipant[quote quote=432742]discomfort with everything. I would think of it in this way. She was sexually assaulted as a child. It is common for sexual a[/quote]
First of all I want to say how thankful I am to have found this site and all of you lovely people. The experience and the tone of all responses is so wonderful and knowledgable.
Now about your response for me to assume that she was sexually assaulted as a child. Unfortunately, she has told me that she used to be hyper sexed from age 8 and looking at porn magazines and at 14 she decided to do it with someone she was in love with. There was no looking back and she has been very active since. Now, if she looks back in regret or discomfort at her past; I can empathize. I do feel terrible that for some reason she had this sexual power over her that consumed her thru her life. But the way she talks about her past is very different. She is grateful and takes pride in all her experiences. I don’t mind that either. Well she prioritized sex over everything in her life for 4 decades and I’m glad she’s happy that it was worth it. I just find it impossible to deal with when she talks about it after being with me for 7 months. If she’s trying to tell me something, she should be direct. Now I just imagine her going thru hundreds of men having wild sex and here I am wanting to build a complete relationship with her but I feel like I don’t stand a chance. It’s the disrespect and deliberate attempt to hurt me that I can’t get past. At times, she’s said she doesn’t want to be consumed by that anymore and I understand it. So why keep talking about it? I’m here. Please try to have some great sex with me because you still very much enjoy it. And stop talking about your past and respect my boundaries.
May 16, 2024 at 3:57 pm #432747alexParticipant[quote quote=432743]Dear Alex: You might not have noticed (double posting), but I submitted a reply for you a few minutes before you submitted your 2nd post. If you didn’t notice it, you are welcome to read it. Having read your 2nd post, indeed no wonder she talks about her sex life with previous partners- that has been her personal and work life in the pornographic industry for 20 years! Not that she should. It is harmful to you. “I would never introduce any information into her headspace that would trouble her or make her anxious“- and neither should she. “Was there a need for me to know all these details about how many guys and how much sex and the quality of sex she’s had when I was very clear about boundaries and that this makes me uncomfortable?… I worry that she won’t stop talking about her past because maybe she is using it to have control over the relationship or has some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“- – living with a woman you suspect to have “some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“, while wanting to stay with her forever, or for a long time (“We want to stay together forever or a long time and maybe even get married“), how does it feel? “This is an outlier as a person at least for someone like me who has been married twice so I’ve had very few partners in life”– maybe the outlier-in-her attracts the .. hidden outlier-in-you? (We all have a hidden outlier within us, don’t we?) anita[/quote]
Thank you, Anita. That’s very helpful and a thoughtful response. I want to agree with you that opposites attract and maybe that’s what’s going on here. I want to simplify it down to male ego. Would any self respecting man be ok with his monogamous romantic partner talking about her best sex in the past and how glorious it was? I mean not if all his body parts work and he longs for a deep emotional and intimate relationship. Maybe my ego is bigger than normal. Maybe I’m the one that needs help. Maybe I am throwing away the love of my life over my ego. I guess we’ll never know. All I know is that I feel resentment due to this and that’s hard to live with.
May 16, 2024 at 5:12 pm #432750anitaParticipantDear Alex:
You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation!
This is my 3rd reply to you. I think that you missed my 1st, where I summarized what you shared in your original post and offered you my thoughts about what you asked. I am copying and pasting it here:
Dear Alex: You shared that 7 months ago, when you (47), first met your girlfriend (52), she asked you: is sex important to you? You answered: yes, what about you?, and she answered: “I’ve had so much and I’ve been so lucky to have such great sex, that I don’t care anymore“. After spending a lot of time together for about 4.5 months, you moved in together. During your 2.5 months of living together, when you have sex, “it is truly outstanding“, and she “seems very invested emotionally and sometimes she mentions getting married“. But “she still occasionally mentions all the great sex she’s had, and her sex drive is not the same anymore, so she doesn’t care“. You have let her know that you “find it disrespectful and hurtful” that she talks about her past sex life, yet she keeps talking about it, which leads to “a lot of emotional turmoil and arguments“.
“I am confused… why does she keep bringing it up?… or she doesn’t think we are sexually compatible/doesn’t think of me as a ‘great sex’ partner, why keep mentioning your past with other people“-
– first, indeed it is hurtful and disrespectful for a romantic partner to talk about their .. allegedly glowing past sex-life with past partners, and after you told her, and repeatedly, that you feel hurt and disrespected by it. I would say that at this point, it is emotionally abusive on her part.
Why does she keep bringing it up? Possibly, she is disturbed by her aging, getting close to menopause, feeling less attractive, and she proceeds to brag about her past sex life, so to over compensating for her lowered sexual confidence. Maybe she is afraid that you will eventually reject her because she is getting older, so she’s trying to lower your sexual confidence, so to prevent you from leaving her. Maybe she is a very impulsive person who can’t control the content of her talk.
Did you ask her why she is doing this (I imagine you did), what did she say in response?
“How am I expected to respond to this if I value her but I also value my mental health?“- you value her, but she needs to value your mental health. If she doesn’t.. you are in a bad relationship. (end of first reply).
In your most recent post, you brought up your male ego (“Maybe my ego is bigger than normal. Maybe I’m the one that needs help“), but there is a much bigger problem than how your male ego feels about living with a women with an extensive sexual past. The much bigger problem is that she’s been telling you about her sexual past again, and again, after you told her that it hurts you and that you feel disrespected when she does.
“It’s the disrespect and deliberate attempt to hurt me that I can’t get past“- you are living with a woman who deliberately attempts to hurt you, deliberately and repeatedly. Are you aware of the gravity of the bigger problem, which you stated in this sentence?
Earlier you wrote: ” maybe she is using it to have control over the relationship or has some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“- sadism… meaning you believe that she derives pleasure from seeing you hurt when she tells you about how wonderful sex was for her with other men?
anita
May 16, 2024 at 8:40 pm #432753alexParticipant@Anita – you are amazing! And so are you @Hellcat.
Both of you have given me such helpful yet competing responses. The proverbial GF spoke to me today and said sh’d like an independent third party to give us a perspective. She does not want me to leave thinking of her as a monster and she’d like me to take some responsibility for my share of the damage to the relationship. So she is asking for couples counseling but when I asked is this an attempt to salvage the relationship, she said she just wants me to hear the objective truth and not leave with the lies and monsters I’ve created in my head. She admitted to not being a great partner and being bad for my mental health but feels I exaggerate and inflate it in my head. She has this constant need to win all arguments and be always right and one of the things that annoys me about her is she keeps saying “I didn’t do anything wrong”. Duh!
Part of me just wants to break up and move out. Like I moved to the guest bedroom and she knows I have a bad back and I shouldn’t be sleeping on that cheap mattress and yet she never cared that she’s sleeping in the master bedroom even though I paid for the super expensive bed and mattress there. She knows I have terrible anxiety and panic attacks and that I have no family or friends, I’ve always reared to her as my friend/lover and my home. And she knows this neglect of not talking to me, no texts, sleeping in separate rooms is so bad for me that I can’t breathe most times and yet she is so nonchalant about it. When I said I don’t think counseling will help and I take responsibility for my occasional bad behavior (which is triggered by her name calling and her drama really), she said good luck finding someone you’d be happy with and I wish you well. Like are you human with any feelings at all?
I’m now convinced that she’s been in and out of at least 80 relationships in this lifetime so it’s like a game for her. Maybe she thrives on the novelty and dopamine from new relationship high and then it fizzles out. I’ve been married twice and divorced both times due to my depression and the heartache nearly killed me because I really loved these two people as my soulmates. I felt lucky for finding love more than once in a lifetime. And here we have someone who is close to hitting 100. So maybe she’s like a rainbow and she can’t be attained.
The other part of me wants to try counseling because I’m pathetic and still hope that maybe that will change her mind and change her behavior and maybe I don’t have to go thru hell for a third time in one lifetime.
Thank you for reading and humoring me and helping me understand. I am very grateful for this site and already buying books and trying to learn everything I can.
May 16, 2024 at 8:42 pm #432754May 16, 2024 at 10:28 pm #432756HelcatParticipantHi Alex
I’m glad that you found the responses here helpful.
Either option, ending the relationship or couples counselling sound like a good idea. Sometimes couples counselling is even used to end a relationship on good terms.
I think that your girlfriend is used to people not accepting her and only using her for sex. A lot of men are uncomfortable being in a relationship with people who worked in the porn industry, it might seem sexy at first but people start seeing it as a blow to their ego. It is honestly fair for you to have difficulties with this. Whilst it is uncomfortable for you to hear about, it would also be uncomfortable for her to hide and never speak about it. It’s okay if this relationship isn’t for you.
That your girlfriend doesn’t acknowledge her trauma and takes personal responsibility for it doesn’t make it any less of a trauma. Sexual development is normal for children but it is up to the people around them to keep them safe, have good boundaries and not abuse them. It’s good to hear that she’s not hurt by her past. But this trauma has led to her having difficulties with relationships for her whole life.
I don’t think she’s a monster. She is just used to being treat like she is disposable. Should she name call, no. But she isn’t alone in that behaviour. Should she make you sleep on the couch? No. I would never ask my husband to sleep on the couch.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
May 16, 2024 at 10:39 pm #432757HelcatParticipantI also think individual therapy would be a good idea for your girlfriend. She is looking to get married at some point, she might need some help from a professional in order to achieve this goal.
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