Home→Forums→Relationships→My feelings are distracting. How do I deal with romantic distractions?
- This topic has 15 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 11 months ago by
John.
-
AuthorPosts
-
May 15, 2017 at 6:39 am #149499
InkyParticipantHi Lester,
I would treat this girl very light heartedly as this all happened while she was drunk. If you see her again, have it be in the same context: A party with her first, and then doing other things alone with her after. Only this time make sure she’s not drunk. Then you’ll know for sure.
And to make you feel better I would get crushes on some guys smaller than me. It’s all about the connection.
Best,
Inky
May 15, 2017 at 8:21 am #149503
AnonymousGuestDear Lester:
The two of you had a great time. Rock climbing when drunk? In a gym, with safeguards, ropes to hold you if you fall, not as dangerous as if you went to nature, attempting to climb heavy duty, steep rocks (hope you don’t do that!)
I like it that she held on to her clothes and that you didn’t try to get her off her clothes- that is an encouraging to-me aspect of the experience, in terms of hopes for a relationship, beyond what already took place.
As a human, a man, you need social interactions in general and a loving relationship with a woman, specifically. It doesn’t matter how tall you are, how much you weigh and other factors- the need is there. She needs the same. You mentioned statistics. I suppose statistically taller, bigger frame men have more dating success than shorter, smaller men. Fortunately, it is only a statistic. For a taller, bigger frame man suffering failure in relationships, this statistic doesn’t help. For a shorter, smaller frame man enjoying success in a relationship, the statistic means nothing.
You only need ONE woman to like you, enjoy your company and be physically attracted to you.
If I was you, I would initiate a second date with this woman, sooner than later. Make the next date one of a shorter duration and sober. Maybe a coffee and pastry date at a coffee house during the day, have a conversation. Talk about what happened and otherwise.
You will need to balance your career life with a personal life. If dating causes you too much distress and is too much of a distraction, it is a problem. This is why I suggest contacting her sooner than later, so that if this is a no-go, you will be relieved from the distress and be free to focus on your job. If it is a potential go, take it slowly.
I hope you post again.
anita
May 15, 2017 at 6:45 pm #149547
LesterParticipantI texted her. Forgive me for trying to get dating advice at this website but I’m desperate. I think I got some positive news. Here what I texted her:
“Hey Bre, I gonna try this being an adult thing and speak out about how I feel. It’s been on my mind a lot and I need to get it out. I really did enjoy our time the other day. It was an awesome surprise. I especially enjoyed cuddling with you until sunrise. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt I’ve really connected with someone. I would love for our Friday shinnanigans to happen again but I’m mature enough that to know that my feelings aren’t the dictators of reality. You might feel the contrary. So all I can do is tell you how I feel. With that said, just know that you can be comfortable telling me the reality of the situation. I’m not one to be upset over reality, so whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll know how to deal with it. It doesn’t risk our friendship either. I’m still your homeboy whether you’d cuddle with me or not. And I’m not saying you have to tell me soon either. You can take your time thinking about it if you are not sure yourself. ”
“Also, I know this text do read very proper. It’s not because I’m drunk, although I had a glass of 805 earlier. I’ve just learned recently that it’s better to lay things out on the table on matters like this. It’s better for everyone in general.”
“Goodnight Madam. I wish pray fortune on your pilgrims (not sure what pilgrims mean).” Lol, yes my text does sound weird but a lot of it were references to the silly things we incountered during our time together.
After 12 very long hours she replied with this;
“Aww Lester I would love for our Friday shinnanigans to continue as well 🙂 I had a lot of fun with you on Friday and most of Saturday.”
Is this positive? I know how to play things cool, but never gone this far with a girl before. This is a new territory for me.
May 15, 2017 at 8:48 pm #149561AnonymousGuestDear Lester:
Her response to your long text was positive and short. If/ when you text her again, a much shorter message will be better, I believe. Look at her reply: two sentences only. Her reply was positive nonetheless.
Are you going to suggest seeing her this Friday?
Can you maintain adequate calm and adequate focus at work as you proceed with this possible relationship?
anita
May 15, 2017 at 11:13 pm #149607LesterParticipantI hope so.
May 16, 2017 at 6:08 am #149629AnonymousGuestI hope so too, Lester. Post again, anytime.
anita
May 16, 2017 at 1:23 pm #149655
CraigParticipantLester,
All the signs are that she is interested in you. I think she will be more interested in you if you take it easy at this early stage – back off of grand pronouncements of your feelings. I get the impression that you’re in a hurry for this to work – does it seem that way to you?
And, not moralizing, just speaking about biology, your health, and your body: I hope you’ll back off of the alcohol too.
Craig
May 16, 2017 at 3:01 pm #149663LesterParticipantI’m not really in a hurry. It’s just that I wanted to be clear that my interest is sexual. I’ve had a very painful experience where I liked a friend of mine and we became very good friends and had lots of fun but she never considered me as a sexual partner. I try and tell the girls I like that I’m sexually attracted to them early to avoid what happened before. That way they can reject me early on and I have a lot less time that I’ve invested and I can heal much earlier and faster.
But yea, I’m not rushing anything at all. She called me yesterday about hanging out tomorrow, but I told her I couldn’t because I really am busy tomorrow. We scheduled for Friday instead. Haven’t talked to her since.
May 20, 2017 at 5:40 pm #150115LesterParticipantUpdate: so we got together again Friday, basically doing the same thing but doing it sober. We went out and had lots of laughter and silliness and we went back to my apartment and had sex. When we woke up in the morning, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she agreed. So she is my girlfriend now.
Now, my question is how will my relationship with my friends that are girls but also girls I was pursuing change? Before Bre and I happened, I made sure to make friends with a lot of girls. I thought it would increase my odds of finding someone. I’ve made plans with these girls before Bre and I happened. I agreed to go on a road-trip with some girl. And, I agreed to a date with another girl that is coming back from a month long vacation. I also am in regular text messages with other girls.
Just to be clear, I did not agree to these plans after Bre an I had our Friday accidental date. So, how do I deal with this situation? Should I tell Bre this? How would a girl view this kind of behavior? How do I cancel my plans with these other girls?
May 20, 2017 at 5:50 pm #150117CraigParticipantHi Lester,
So now you’re in a different place. Nice.
How will your relationships with female friends that you were pursuing change? I think that depends on what you do.
I’ve always thought that keeping things simple and clear was best for me. You’ll have to decide for yourself. But if I were in your shoes, I’d text the girls that you’d made plans with and say something like “I like you as a friend, but my life has changed a bit, and I’m happily involved with someone else. It’s best that I don’t go on that trip with you. Thanks for understanding.”
But that’s just me. Since you’re now sexually involved with this girl, you’re at a deeper level of intimacy, and unless you and she want some kind of open relationship, going on dates with other girls is going to bring a lot of drama to your life.
May 21, 2017 at 11:19 am #150189AnonymousGuestDear Lester:
My advice: now that you have a girlfriend, and for as long as you do, no longer try to make new friends that are girls, do not make new plans to meet the girls you did befriend (not without your girlfriend), kindly cancel he road trip with the one girl, the date with the second, and stop the text messages with the third.
If you are not in a relationship, in the future, you can go back to the contacts you made. While you are in a relationship, don’t destroy the one you have for the contacts you made.
I wouldn’t tell Bre about this and focus instead, on your career when you are working and on your new relationship, separately.
anita
May 21, 2017 at 11:40 am #150193LesterParticipantThank you very much Anita and Craig. This is a new territory for me but I’m determined to continue to succeed in my career as well as have a long and great relationship with Bre.
May 21, 2017 at 11:58 am #150199AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Lester. I like your determination. Post again anytime.
anita
May 21, 2017 at 2:32 pm #150205CraigParticipantHi Lester,
You’re welcome. I like the way you’ve been working through all this. Keep going!
May 21, 2017 at 2:51 pm #150207
JohnParticipantCongratulations! I usually come here to read about other peoples relationship problems (so I can learn from them) but successes are good too! This was really nice to read. Please keep us posted on how things are going in the future.
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 