Kat

It sounds like you have a hard time prioritizing your time and effort.  What do you consider the most important?  The least?  Are you spending your time that way?  You say you try to do the “right” thing but make sure that they are aligned not only with your values (not your parents) but also how it fits within your prioritized time schedule.  It may be that you have an overload of “right” things to do and not enough time to do them.  Once you can manage your time and priorities then you will be able to deal with stress better.

You say how hard it is to live under your parents’ roof.  You say that it is preventing you from living life and having your own identity.  You say that is partially because you are Asian American.  All that is quite understandable.  Right now you are living with them and going to school.  Right now you can defer your identity angst by focusing on finishing your schooling and moving out.  THEN you be on your own and explore  the world and figure out who you are.

I’m a 3rd generation Japanese American so I can identify with you and not quite feeling that I fit in.  That is very common.

Mark

.

Dear Kat,

None of this is your fault. Your parents were born in a different generation with strict rules placed on them which, in turn, have placed strict rules on you because that is what they have learned from their parents. Also, it sounds that they, like many before them, were pressured into having children, aka you, because many Asian culture place heavy emphasis on marriage and children, even when some people should never have children (don’t want to), but do it anyway because it’s their duty/responsibility. But what’s done is done and you’re here.

Now, your parents are very honest about their view of you, which can either be a good or bad thing, depending on how you interpret it. And from how eager your parents are at the prospect of you moving out, it seems that they really like their space. Which can be understandable, if they are the sort of people who believe in autonomy and probably not the sort to have patience with taking care of other people. So the prospect of you moving out is appealing is because with you out of the house, they then don’t have to share that space and could do whatever it is they want.

Also, remember that part of “some people should not have kids”? Well, regardless of what you might want, many Asian culture put heavy emphasis on getting married and having kids so those who wish to live child-free while raised in a such a culture? Unless there were some extra ordinary circumstances, they’re out of luck. So people will likely tried to conceive because it’s almost a duty that’s been breathed down at them by the time they have reached a certain age. It’s never the question of whether you want kids, but when are you going to have kids. Then it just suck for both the parents and the children because the parents don’t really want to be responsible for someone else other than themselves, but since they have a duty or be judged as a horrible, horrible person, then they might as well have a child, raised them like their parents did and then release them once they’re old enough to take care of themselves. But that’s not fun for the kid because then they bare a sort of resentment from their parents for being a responsibility for them from a young age even though they never did ask for it. But you don’t understand that and your parents are only doing the bare minimum require of them to raise you into an adult.

So it’s not you so much as your parents did what they believed to be their duty, i e. having you, raising you then kicking you out once they believe they have done enough. So yeah, they may love you, but they don’t want to be responsible for you. And raising you in such a restrictive environment was probably due to little interest in having and raising children on their part, but duty calls, so they went by the book of what their parents, aka your grandparents, did raising them since they don’t know better and had little interest in knowing. After all, if they put down rules and you follow them until you’ve grown to be an adult, then they have done what they had to do, which was have a kid and make sure that they survive until adulthood. So now that you’re old enough to be able to survive on your own, it’s time for you to leave the nest.

It’s not going to be a walk in the park, but the only thing you can do in such a situation is to accept that your parents are who they are and that they are NOT going to change. They may love you, but they probably don’t want to responsible for anyone other than themselves. That you are still living with them means that they feel that you are still dependent on them in some way and they do not like that so they hope for you to leave sooner than later. And they are very vocal about it, which is hurtful, but it’s what they are feeling.

Of course, the method of which they have raised you is/was clearly not what you need as a person, but not all people were meant to be parents so those who do become parents…well, lets just say that the child might have some issues growing up. As any child, you grew up looking for validation from your parents and you might have received that when you achieved something that they deem important. And that’s what you grew up learning, that to please your parents, you have to do as they wish or else you were a bad daughter. But you can only do so much to please your parents before you just want to give up and do nothing. Also, the more you try, the more your parents will expect that you’ll bend to their law and their rules and their expectations, because you’ve never did so much bad things that they wouldn’t expect otherwise. So you try to please them, they will only expect the same thing from you again and again. You are still living with your parents too, which means you are still under their rules so that’s not helping your case right now. Because you are still the daughter living with them, they feel they have the right to tell you what to do because it’s their house, thus you have no right to complain, even if they want to kick you out.

So you’re burnt out while desperate for your parent’s love and approval. But that’s not going to happen even though you are a ‘good person’. And it’ll probably stay that way because people do not change unless they decided that they need to change themselves. You can tell your parents everything, about your fear, your insecurities, your resentment, your anger and your sorrow, but whether they will understand, or try to understand, will depend on if they want to take the time to listen and reflect on what you are telling them. Or they can just reverse what you tell you them and make everything about them so that turns you into an ungrateful daughter. They don’t have to listen to you. They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to. In the end, love is a choice, just as having a child is a choice. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean that you have to love the child though you do bear responsibilities for giving them form. Doesn’t matter if you’re a good person or a bad person, people decide on who to love. So your parents decided to maybe love you, but they don’t want to be responsible for you.

It sucks. Of course, it sucks. The parents that you’ve grew up with has made a rule that if you want their affections or at least approval, then you have to be willing to bend to their rules and their laws. Only when you have shown that you can act in the way that they deem as good enough will they be good to you, though the ‘good’ is very subjective. You can only do so much before you feel so empty that you don’t know who you are anymore. You can only do so much before it all feels completely hopeless; for as much as you reach out, you only grasp air. You only wished for unconditional love from them yet it is a hopeless endeavor in the end.

That is a lesson that you’ll have to learn eventually. No one can be forced to love anyone, less of all their family. You may give chase, but you don’t have the right to complain that they don’t love you. No one is obligated to love another person. Much as you wish for their love, it is their right to either love or not. You may have a duty to another, but emotions like love is a choice.

There are many, many things that your parents did not teach you, least of all how you are not obligated to another person. And right now, you only understand the world the you can see in front of you. That world is filled with ‘why don’t my parents approve of me’, ‘why doesn’t my parents see or understand me’, ‘I’m lost’, ‘I feel hopeless’, ‘am I a bad person’, etc. That is a loop that your monkey brain is pushing to the front of your thoughts because you only see what is in front of you. You haven’t tried to understand what can’t be seen, which is the non-physical you. You only see what you need to do to gain approval from your parents, you only see that your friends are ‘free’, you only see that you are trapped in your environment, you only see how other people might see you as a person. But you don’t question how you see yourself, you don’t look at yourself. You don’t allow your own judgment of yourself.

As of now, you have a lot on your plate that you need to deal with, but those things are also running you haggard. Especially when you make so much time for other yet you never leave much time for yourself. You have classes, senior projects, work, dates with friends and your SO, volunteering then chores at home. You cannot keep doing them all and expect it not to wear you out; though you can run on steam, but even that won’t last you long. You need to prioritize, but also be okay with dropping certain things, like volunteering or meeting up with friends daily. You also need to make yourself a priority, because you talk about doing things that are mostly centered around other people.

And I can go on.

But if you have grasped anything from the above, it is that you need to start thinking about yourself. You have spent your childhood trying to please your parents and that has turned into an attitude/choice of putting others before you, which is not a good thing. When you let other people dictate who you are, you are stranding yourself at sea because you did not try to search or create land for yourself. You have centered many of your choices around the fact of how people see you, so you need to start making decisions centered around the fact of how you see yourself. How you see yourself may not be the kindest, but it’s better than using someone’s image of you because that is not the you that you see, it is the you they think they see. Only you can know what you want and what you need, that is, when you allow absolute honesty with yourself.

You are not alone in craving approval, love, goodwill, praise, etc from those around you, but they are fleeting promises of love because life does not make promises of forever while you are stuck in your physical body until your last heartbeat. Yet you have the choice to either be your worse critic or your own best friend.