Dear Gaia:

Not anymore and what a relief that is! Sometimes still I feel the beginning of it, of blaming myself, I feel the beginning of thoughts that put me down, making fun of me.. I feel it like when you hear a vehicle approaching from a distance. I hear it approaching but then I don’t hear it anymore, it sort of disappears. Lots of practice leading to this.

I hated myself so much, in the past, that I didn’t feel that I cared whether I lived or died.  My guilt at .. sort of exposing other people to the loathsome-me was intense, it burdened me so much that I was constantly heavy, burdened, like stuck in deep mud and not being able to move.

(Except when I was daydreaming, then I was able to fly in the air, like a bird).

anita

Dear Gaia:

It wasn’t simple or quick and after two years of therapy I still hated myself, so I don’t have a simple or quick answer. So I’ll give you a part answer at this point: my therapist at the time, he acted professionally at all times, he wasn’t inappropriate. It is very important. Because otherwise nothing would have mattered (when the therapist has hidden agendas).

And then, the first session was long and free (that’s the policy, first free session). But because after following sessions he had the time, he gave me a whole lot more time than the customary 50 minutes time and time again. He was paid for a limited time session and yet he spent so much time with me.

And he answered me when I emailed him, no extra charge and he emailed me a homework assignment after each session and checked it in the next session. You could tell I was not in his mind only during the sessions, he was thinking about how best to proceed with me in- between the sessions. He invested time and effort with me that he didn’t have to invest. I suppose he thought I was worth so much of his time and efforts.

The tools are many, he copied handouts for me with lots of information, had me do exercises in the office (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT exercises), a whole lot of CBT material.

I just remembered that before I looked for therapy back in 2011 I got a book called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies” which has many CBT exercises in it. Because of that book and the exercises there, when I looked for a therapist, I googled CBT therapist. And it happened that he was a CBT therapist.

I will be glad to share more. If you ask me specific questions about the therapy I had, I will be glad to answer.

anita

Dear Gaia:

When I used to interact with others I felt very uncomfortable, as if they know that I am inferior to them, as if they will be insulting me at any time, say demeaning things to me, humiliate me, on purpose, make me feel bad, and I felt a mixture of shame and anger, shame at being less-than them, less than anyone, and anger that it is so, that I am less-than (so I believed!) and that they know it, and making me feel this way (so I believed)!

anita

Dear Gaia:

When I answered you above, I didn’t think about school, but I clearly remember not being part of any cool group, being ignored. I have a memory of talking to a girl in high school and her turning her head to someone else, to others as if I didn’t say anything, as if I wasn’t there. Oh, yes, the rage, the intense anger, and yet, nothing- I said nothing, and it happened again and again, carrying all that anger but nowhere to express it, no one to tell, not even imagining anyone wanting to help me, anyone who could help me. The feeling was of complete isolation, meaning, being troubled and no one to help me, no such option.

anita

Dear Gaia:

I need to be away from the computer for a few hours. You are worthy of love and connection, Gaia. I am sure of it. Keep posting here and don’t give up, you will see, love and connection will be your experience!

anita