Dear Vivi:

There is the group of individuals all together and there are changing combinations of individuals spending together in twos, away from the whole group. Some of the twos are in romantic relationships, some are close friends. It is confusing, for me, to follow what is happening.

Maybe the whole group should get together for a group discussion so to… map who is dating whom and who are just friends at the current time? Your ex boyfriend-now-friend (as I understand it to be) will have the opportunity to declare his romantic interest in you in front of the group, you will announce your intentions, and maybe a relationship between you and him, a romantic relationship, that is, will re-start right there and then and everyone will be clear about it.

anita

This is very confusing.. (the situation and who/who of it, not the way you wrote it)

Where I was younger, I had a ‘friend’ who suddenly became very friendly with my ex once we (very messily) split. Can’t say I wasn’t confused about it at the time and soon saw that it was not a very friend-like move on her part, Id been with him for 5 years and she’d never been that interested in his friendship up until then and she knew I was devastated about the split. Im not saying she couldn’t be friends with whom she liked, im just saying her timing seemed a bit choice to me.

Anyhow, theres a lot of ‘my poor friend’ it seems. I’m not sure what age you are but 2 years ago I had to part ways with my best friend of almost 15 years because the relationship was just so one-sidedly toxic. It was always poor XX, but yet her victim angle was used to such manipulative extent that she could and did bend and batter me into whatever she wanted out of a situation. My empathising in the relationship took over my life. It affected other friendships, my relationship with my boyfriend..It took over.

Im not saying your friend is acting with malice but wearing the poor me, ive been through a lot badge should only go so far and right now its getting in the way of your own path. To me theres more than one thing you need to think through here.

1) How does your exes current efforts to gain your interest ‘feel’ to you. Not how it used to be, not how it has been, but currently. Do you feel its genuine? Do you feel its for keeps or equals what you want from him? I have to say the words ‘finally treat me right’ don’t seem to sit well. It shouldn’t be a conscious effort, it should just be If you understand what im saying.

2) Admitting you’ve been selfish doesn’t make being selfish ok. Your friend sounds like she was only ever out for herself in this situation and maybe tells you what you want to hear. Answer me this, if they are that close as friends, how does she feel its and either or rather than a your boyfriend AND her friend?

The situation doesn’t sound like a healthy outcome bodes for you, from what you say it sounds like you have 2 people on your plate who are out for their own ends. be very careful how you proceed. If he wants you for you and not just the trophy, he needs to prove it/act, if he won’t, theres your answer all along. She however, is only considering what she wants from the situation and that sounds to me like control.

Im not saying all is lost, on the contrary, I am saying you are worth much more. There are more people than this group. If he won’t commit to committing (for want of a way to say it) and she can’t butt out, walk away with your head up. As I say, be careful with how you proceed. Good luck x

Hi Vivian,

I don’t like this friend/”friend”. What would happen if you said to her, “Stop spending time with my boyfriend please.” She’ll feel awkward. He’ll feel awkward. You’ll feel awkward. The Group will feel awkward.

Let it be Awkward!

For once, let it be about you.

If he continues to hang out with your friend, if she continues to be best buddies with him and if the group condones all this, that’s your answer. Time then for a new boyfriend/friend/group.

Good Luck,

Inky

Hows this been going Vivian? x