these are the same thoughts you had as a child, based on the wrong belief that you were the cause of your mother’s withdrawal/ punishment. These thoughts are entwined with the fear, shame, guilt and sadness you mentioned.

Well, exactly, it is the same feeling. By feeling it now and considering these past moments as a child I understand that I had felt them before too. I was a child so I could not logically understand that my mother withdrawal was not actually caused by my mistakes and that she shouldn’t have behaved to me like this. She was always expecting a lot from me and behave more like a grown up rather than a child. And any childish behavior was criticized and she was showing her disappointment on me.   So, now, during this phase that I feel the same things, I try to heal the past wounds too.

It only feels at times that the blaming, complaining, dishonestly manipulative noise is safe for you. It only FEELS this way, at times. But look at all the misery it has caused you. Surely, this is a better way for you

Yeap, it felt like this more at the beginning, but less and less as time goes by. So, once these guilties and self-blaming arise, I remember that misery and all his accusations, his anger on me and all his manipulative manners for understanding that being away from this drama is the healthy thing to do for keeping my inner peace.

Thanks again Anita 🙂

Dear friends,

I know it has been a long time, but I was recently thinking about this post and I wanted to post some news.

Over these months, things have been progressed quite a lot, mainly inside me. It all started with my ex, coming back once I had managed to find some peace & happiness inside me demanding me to return to us (he had broken up with me, he had stayed away for 2 years, asking me to stay friends, never discussed for our problems or taking any responsibility and he just freaked out when he saw I was ready to go and live my life).

All this pressure and drama from his side (you can see it at the posts above) revealed my inability to confront others demands and needs and set my boundaries based on my needs and desires so that I can have healthy relationships.

I started psychotherapy and I think it was the best thing I have ever done in my life. At first, I thought it would help me confront my ex and give me some solutions in a sense of instructions “Tell him this and that or do this and that”. I then understood that it was quite different (thankfully). I learned more about myself, my childhood, my insecurities, my inner need to satisfy the rest for not facing their anger/silent treatment. I learned as a kid to try my best to satisfy my mother and be always like a grown-up, talk nicely, not being sad or angry, never say no.

And I saw I was carrying all these demands for years. Leaving my parents’ house, I entered in a relationship with someone (my ex) that was doing the same way as my mom, in a more aggressive way. I only now see how I was manipulated and emotionally abused; he knew more than me my insecurities and my need to satisfy the rest and he was taking advantage every time. I had totally forgotten my desires and needs and I was trying to keep him happy thinking in that way I was the perfect girlfriend, so that was the correct thing to do and that would mean my happiness too.

My body was trying to warn me; and I was kept ignoring it. I write these things to other girls like me that may feel they have found the Mr. perfect that takes care of them and they do everything he asks but somewhere within then they feel something is wrong and feel unhappy. I was unhappy. I was crying often without any reason, I was feeling lonely, I was eating a lot and I was trying to make a diet just for him. I was sad because I thought was not good enough, beautiful enough, not a good girlfriend. So, I was trying to satisfy him more. He needed a breakup, I was leaving. He needed to stay friends with me, I was saying ok. He wanted to hang all around with friends, even If I was hurt, I was saying ok, etc so on. Inside and after the relationship he was deciding and I was saying ok. It didn’t start like that; at first I was trying to say No to some things and he got angry or sad and as that agony was part of my childhood I was trying to change it. So, in the end, I was only saying yes to all cause I was just too afraid.

I had to fall and crawl, but thankfully, I now feel so much better; better than ever before in my life. Like I just now live normally. My ex is out of my life (he sends some messages here and there but I don’t care anymore, I am so angry and disappointed with him – yes, I could not feel anger before, it was a forbidden feeling for the perfect girlfriend I needed to be!).

I moved from my parents’ house and I now live alone. I try to listen to my inner voice and my desires and needs. For the first time, I discover myself. I take care of myself and I am becoming stronger. I am not afraid of staying alone or saying my opinion for not hurting the others. It is still an ongoing process but it was very important for me even to start with it!

I would like to thank mostly Anita for her help the previous months and also the rest posting here. Anita mostly, made me understand some of my inner needs that were leading my actions and she helped me to keep strong and focus on my needs and desires. Thank you so much!

I am writing all these, because I feel like after posting a problem or a bad situation, we should come back to give also a positive feedback, at least a positive progress. For people who were broken like me, not knowing what to do and keep on blaming themselves for everything: there are hope and strength and are inside you. It needs effort to stand on your feet -even if some prefer you to stay down because it makes THEM feel stronger- and you deserve to yourself to be happy and have healthy relationships.

I will post more soon. Take care and I am here for anyone who needs any help !

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Mepina.

Dear Anita, thank you for your reply and I am glad you are still around here, on the forum, helping all so much!

I felt It was needed to post some of my progress, cause the whole story creates a path and others may find patterns that will help them in their healing process. I still have a lot to learn about me and also heal, but I feel stronger now, in a deeper connection with my feelings and my desires and I manage to see clearly others actions too. It is like waking up a little by little.

It is not an easy procedure as you have to feel again within you past difficult situations and recreate the pain. I was avoiding that for years thinking there is no reason to search for past wounds and suffer again, it is past, let’s go on. Well, that would be ok if the wounds were healed and If I had managed to understand why things happened at first place. If, though, you simply cover or ignore a wound without understanding how it opened and why and what it takes to make it heal, it will start to hurt you again, and maybe during totally irrelevant situations leaving you clueless about the reasons of your pain – making you feel stupid or problematic. Especially if people that understand your insecurities and low self-esteem come around you, they can easily benefit from you, make you suffer more so that they can earn more strength.

Reading again my posts, I see how much self-blaming I was putting on me. We all do mistakes, but my need to satisfy everyone else and then hurting myself if I couldn’t, that was different than a mistake. I was feeling worthy only If others were satisfied with me. So, I was trying during my relationship to be the perfect girlfriend for him: meaning do all his favors, transform to what he needed, neglecting my family, my friends, my dreams, my desires, my personal path in this life, taking a new ‘role’ just to make him happy. His happiness was supposed to be my success, my happiness, my accomplishment.

And the more I was giving, the more he was asking. And the more I was giving. It was a constant agony, a battle, to make it. I only now see how stressed and unhappy I actually was. I had signs that I was covering again. I was simply trying to be what he wanted me to be.
Until he got bored (of course, it became too easy and he took me for granted in the end) and he told me to break up. I left the house, he then moved to a bigger one alone bringing all my things to my parents house in boxes, he started to post photos with other women on FB, he was flirting with a friend of mine in front of me (he was denying this of course and he was telling me I am simply insecure). For 18 months he was telling me to stay friends and in parallel, he was living his life in that way, and I had stayed clueless of what I did wrong and I was still trying to change the things. I was thinking I didn’t give enough, that I was fat, ugly, stupid, insecure, jealous, crazy, problematic, or I asked too much and pressed him or asked less than I should etc.. I was asking him to explain me and he was telling me there is no reason to discuss the past. He was telling me that I am free to move on, but of course, he was calling me each time I was doing a check-in somewhere to ask me with whom I was there and If I had moved on. He was the jealous one, the controlling one, and I was keeping on to stay faithful to us, thinking that this would proove my love and he would return. I stayed alone for so long, trying to earn again his approval!

But, one day I decided to stop all these and start to focus on my self again. I understood it had no meaning anymore. I started to go out again, smile again, take care more of myself. I started to meet new persons too.
And once I started to feel better and started to smile again, he came back, not for giving me all the things I had missed all this time (love and support), but for demanding to take more from me: my love, my commitment, my strength, my dreams, all. He was having me for granted for months and only came back once he saw I was trying to leave. His ego was hurt, nothing more. He lost the control he thought he would always had on me. His ego-boosting supply.

And, because of all the low self-esteem feelings and my need to satisfy the rest, I couldn’t simply shut the door in his face. This made me search for help, as I understood I could not set boundaries, I could not confront someone demanding things from me. I couldn’t say no even If my mind was screaming to me this is what I should do.

And so I opened the blanket with which I had covered all my wounds thinking that was a solution, and I had to finally deal with them. It is not easy. But it is needed and has already helped me to feel stronger and see things in a clearer perspective.

I only now see how many things I was letting to happen without wanting them, how much control I had let others to have on me. How bad opinion I had for myself and I was searching on others for reassurance. I still feel in that way, but less and less, and once I do it, at least I understand that I am doing it and I can observe its pattern.

I hope I will be soon able to post even more positive results and realizations.  And I hope all these to help others too. I now see that the solutions, the love, and the happiness are not found on others opinion about us, they are within us, only.

Many wishes to all of and I am here for anyone that needs more details 🙂

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Mepina.

Dear Anita,

yes I am aware that this healing process is still at its beginning, it is like a path actually, that I am trying to enjoy and discover as it goes, without any stress though to meet an endpoint, a destination or termination/goal. And even if it hurts at times, I must say I enjoy it cause it makes me feel alive and more at peace with myself!

Concerning my ex, well, I guess you are right. His inner insecurities were forcing him to ask for others love and more love and more reassurances that they wanted/liked him. He was asking all time for valuation from me, but without showing any kind of need or low confidence, this is why I could not see that I would never ever meet his expectations.
For example, when he was cooking he was asking “Tell me, isn’t this the best cake you have ever eaten?”, when he was shopping something “Isn’t this t-shirt really great and fit my body perfectly?”. For his work “The top-guru guy on my field said he loved my job, the presentation I did was great, wasn’t it?!” So, he was always showing to me that he is extremely sure of himself, very confident and all these questions were there just to show me how important/strong/great he was, not because he needed my evaluation, but to remind me how lucky I was for having him, how clever he was and how many issues I did have, making me feel less and less all the time. If I would reply something different than what he wanted to above, he would say I do not appreciate things as I should and I can not evaluate thongs right.
So, when he saw I was abandoning my tries to be again together with him and I had started dating again, he started all these demands to win me back because his ego was hurt. Not because he loved me. I had been there for months trying and he was ignoring my needs. It was nice to see me broken and weak and ready to accept everything, cause he was feeling stronger. But he never admitted he was afraid of losing me and he never said he is jealous or something similar. And as for the first time he was seeing me to say ‘NO’ to his demands, he was acting like crazy and started all this emotional pressure on me.

Anyway, my main concern is to look at first inside me, on my own healing path, and also evaluate my relationship with him in the sense of what I did, how I felt and why I let things go to a certain way. People with unrealistic demands and issues may come again in my way and this time, I want to know my boundaries and keep the connection with myself and my needs even during a new relationship. I don’t want to lose ‘me’ again.

For his wounds, well, he is the responsible one and needs to either see them and solve them or keep on using the “perfect super confident smart handsome mr.perfect man” mask he is wearing most of the time to avoid any kind of criticism.

Thank you again for your support all this time anita 🙂