Deare TeaK,

I really do appreciate all of your help. Having someone to give me some insight (which I wasn’t expecting) has been very valuable.

There is so much unpacking to do with M. I don’t even know where to begin.

Dear TeaK,

The mess with M has been our fairly broken relationship that has been on the decline for most of its timeline – which I suppose I should share to give you a better picture.

We started dating shortly after I moved to Pennsylvania March 2019 (due to my break up with S). I lived with my dad to get back on my feet, and my relationship with M was of course wonderful. We saw each other every other day, doing fun things at home, going to shows occasionally, etc. When we first started dating I asked him all the huge questions (kids, goals, perfect day, expectations, family dynamic, life philosophies) to make sure that I didn’t repeat some of the mistakes I made with S. For example, S wasn’t sure if he wanted kids but I always wanted them. I didn’t want to be misaligned with my new partner in that way.

We had a noticeable problem from the beginning, however. He was always late to everything. I would sit on his doorstep an hour past the time he told me he would be home from work, I would wait for an hour to 3 hours at my dad’s for him to pick me up, etc. It was very odd.

If wasn’t until we were dating for 6 months or so that I found out about M’s addiction. And at the time he masked it as occasional use that he had control over. I don’t like to judge people, and I dabbled in substances recreationally when I was younger. I knew he came from a traumatic childhood, with a neglectful alcoholic mother and an absent heroine addict father. I respected who he grew into despite those beginnings. So I trusted him. But as time went on, things didn’t add up, and I started to view it as ana addiction. I could tell high M from sober M, and I would ask him to quit, letting him know I wasn’t okay with it.

Christmas and then my birthday wrapped up our first year together. Both of those dates, very important to me, he dropped the ball. I had to make the gifts for his family (not sleeping Christmas Eve) because he “didn’t have the time”, and he didn’t show up to my dad’s for cake and presents. I cried a lot that night, so disappointed. He did plan a getaway at an inn spa for the next night, but there were hiccups – we are vegan, and he didn’t warn the cook, so we couldn’t eat. He also didn’t realize that the spa portion needed reservations, so we showed up the next morning to a closed door.

Then COVID hit, a year into our relationship, and I moved in so he wouldn’t be alone during the uncertainty. That’s when the severity of his addiction became apparent.

He would get to work late, get home late, be behind on bills so I would cover for him, forget date nights, usually not come to bed…things were just obviously falling apart around him but he thought he was in control and that my expectations were “too high”.

I almost left in August, but he promised me he would quit and seek help.

I was busy preparing for graduate school and trying to stay afloat through COVID, but all of this was too much for me. Our fights increased and got worse, and my mental health went into a sharp decline. The holiday season was a momentary distraction as I focused on my favourite time of the year, but shortly after my birthday arrived and was, quite frankly, miserable. Around that time I started graduate school AND a cat we had rescued gave birth. I considered moving out or breaking up then, but the vet recommended for the kittens stay in one place until we found them homes.

The fights escalated, and he finally quit using (if I’m to believe him) in April 2021. His attitude and behaviour haven’t gotten much better. I’m still going to bed and waking up alone 6/7 nights a week, I make dinner for when he says he will be home and I eat alone, then go to bed alone, nothing ever gets done or ends up happening. I’ve learned how much of his childhood has formed strange relationship ideas – he doesn’t see how his actions and habits are not conducive to a healthy family, and tells me that I am expecting a “demigod” as a boyfriend.

When using his computer a few weeks ago an email popup showed me that he was “liked” on okcupid.com. I asked him about it and he told me it’s an old account he needs to delete. I didn’t believe him (he lies often), and I made an account. Sure enough I found him, with an updated picture from our trip to my best friend’s wedding earlier this summer. When I showed it to him he said he just wanted someone to say something nice to him, since I don’t anymore. He got angry in a fight shortly after and punched holes in the wall – which triggered my childhood memories of my stepdad filling our house with holes.

That’s when I decided to move out, and to sign us up for therapy. He doesn’t want me to move out, but I don’t know what else to do.

My patience now after 2.5 years is nonexistent, so our interactions are usually not good. He told me I need to be more patient. His mother decided to get involved and now views me as the antagonist in my life and has told me to get out of his life. My family doesn’t know about his addiction, the attempted cheating, but what they do know makes them not support the relationship. My dad, who knows M, says he has potential but needs to change and is unacceptable as a partner.

Then here I am visiting my mom and the situation with S happened. I am going back home to continue looking for an apartment, a better job to support living alone, sending the kittens to their new homes, and bracing myself for if we don’t work, despite how much I love him. I feel conflicted because I have 2.5 years left of graduate school, yet I greatly dislike where I live (last year I chose a school here because M and I are living here).

Dear TeaK,

I see him more than I used to, but only slightly more. He started a more stable job a couple months ago, but he usually gets home late. He assured me it’s because he was working, or because he went to our garage first and was working on things there. Now he says his mindset is to grind at work so that we can have a better life, but even if that’s what he’s actually doing he’s really not participating in the relationship outside of going to work.

He always says “it’s easy for you to say because you work from home. You don’t appreciate the work I put in.” when I ask him to help me with some of the domestic chores.

Back in March, when his mother got involved, she signed him up for a few therapy sessions. I was asked to come to one of them. He was more honest to the therapist and I sat in surprised silence as he told her where he normally uses, how often, etc. She was very stern with him, saying that last time his homework was to sign up for a support group (which he didn’t do). He said he googled it, but that was it. It was painful to hear him say that because that is his usually excuse – ‘I looked at them, isn’t that good enough? I took out the sponge and soap and stacked the dishes in the sink for you, isn’t that doing the dishes enough? I put away half of my load of laundry from two weeks ago, isn’t that enough? I thought about helping you cook, isn’t that enough?”.

While I have been away he says he’s been crying a lot, and realizing what a schmuck he’s been. That he’s going to change his life. But I have heard it before, and I’m so sad that our relationship probably won’t make it much longer after I move out. He is such a kind, empathetic, sensitive person…to everyone except whoever tells him he’s not acting properly. The potential of who he showed me when we dated (his ideal version of himself, sans drugs and destructive habits) could happen, but I really can’t be used any more to wait and see if he can make it happen.

Dear TeaK,

Thank you for reaching out.
I am doing okay, on paper. I started a new job, am able to sign a lease for my own apartment, and will be moving out in a month when my new place is ready.

The first couple’s therapy session went well – M had a lot to reflect on afterwards. After that we had almost 2 weeks of pretty constructive moments as well – we only fought a few times (as opposed to every day) and each fight was de-escalated and a peaceful conclusion was made every time (as opposed to him going out to smoke in his car, never revisiting a topic to apologise or move forward, and us sleeping separately).
But then, the day before our second therapy session, he told me he accidentally double-booked something and now had a separate commitment during our therapy time. I was upset – we had both been there with our planners to set the date and time, and I had reminded him multiple times in the last week that we had therapy. I understand that his second commitment was more time-limited and I actually would have gladly rescheduled therapy for him to make that second commitment, but he didn’t communicate it with me until it was too late and I was charged the $100 for not being able to make that session (a fee of course he can’t afford to pay himself).

I told him after that I don’t want to communicate with him in any way until he comes to me to properly apologise (I always go to him to fix things, even if I didn’t do anything wrong). We didn’t speak for two days, and finally he approached me to say “I’m sorry……but I still don’t get what I did wrong and I think it’s dumb that I have to say sorry.” Which of course started another fight. The last week (between our missed second session and our makeup second session that is actually happening in one hour) has been pretty tumultuous and bad. We managed to be comfortable enough to be intimate a couple days ago, but right after he asked if he could borrow money, said he was going to come to bed, and then I woke up alone to find that he had been out/making music until dawn.

So I still feel abused, manipulated, taken advantage of, and grossly unappreciated. My personal therapist is checking in with me to make sure I am not blaming myself for any of his behaviour, but due to so many past negative experiences sometimes  I still do catch myself believing that I deserve this kind of treatment.