Hi Adam,

I wouldn’t say fatigue, more something I enjoyed back then, now it feels like it’s more of a distraction at times.

What were you daydreaming about? Having a partner? You don’t need to give me any details, I am just curious about the main theme of your daydreams.

I really did feel over the moon from everything she said, especially earlier on, I think that’s the feeling I’m chasing again and again with her. Before the last 2 break ups, which were the worst and longest, she was bringing up future, family marriage etc a lot more compared to after the break ups. I feel like I was gas lit.

Yes, it seems she wasn’t really sincere when she told you see shares your vision of the future. It could be that in the beginning she agreed with you, because she didn’t want to lose you. But my guess is that she wasn’t ready to settle down, she was still searching for herself, perhaps. She just enrolled college, you also said she wanted to travel (instead of seeking therapy) – this all seems like someone who is still in the process of seeking/discovering themselves.

In the beginning of our conversation, you said:

she said I was her best boyfriend, her rock, her best friend etc and wanted me in her life so it is giving me expectations that she does want me as a lifelong partner only that she may not have been ready for it

It could be that she liked you being her protector and her “rock” while she was searching for herself, being a “free spirit”, making necklaces, collecting shells, having no job… it’s like she wanted you to be her perfect father, while she is playing in the sand, perhaps?

She wanted you in her life for playing that protector figure, however not for having adult expectations on her.

However, you interpreted her loving words as to mean that she is on board with your plan of getting married and having kids. Just take a look at this sentence again: “she said I was her best boyfriend, her rock, her best friend etc and wanted me in her life so it is giving me expectations that she does want me as a lifelong partner only that she may not have been ready for it.”

She might have loved you for being that rock and protector for her, but she might not have loved your expectations about the future. Not that there is anything wrong with those expectations (we talked about it: you have the right to expect certain things from a girl you want to marry). It’s just that she wasn’t the right girl to expect it from.

In the beginning she might have seemed like she is on board with your plan, because as I said, she didn’t want to lose you (because you were so good in the role of her protector). But as the time went by, she probably felt more and more resistance towards that plan and in general, towards you trying to nudge her to get her life in order. She didn’t like that part of you (the part who has adult expectations on her). She only liked the unconditionally loving protector father figure, who lets her “play in the sand” and has no expectations on her.

I am trying not to blame myself, I think I am just caring too much now about how she is and what she is doing. When she is obviously not caring about me so that puts it into perspective a bit. She actually mentioned last time that she blocked it all out but then it all hit her.

Well, you may care for her and have compassion for her. But she is not your daughter and you have no responsibility for her well-being. She’ll figure it out. She has her whole life in front of her to learn and heal, at her own pace. So don’t feel responsible for her feelings and her well-being. You tried to play that role, and it turned out badly. Now it’s time to let her go figure out her life on her own. Your task is to figure out your own life.

 As I said earlier she doesn’t care so that should be a good enough reason for me not too.

Well, maybe she would like to have you back in the role of “unconditionally loving protector who has no expectations on her”. But would you want to be in that role? Or you actually want an adult partner around whom you don’t need to walk on eggshells and who wants similar things that you want (settle down, marriage, family)?

Hi Adam,

The dreams can vary from things related to games, movies, sports. the dreams usually have famous people in them etc. For example I may daydream about playing in the NBA but it’s not actually me in the dream.

Okay, so is it like you being famous in those daydreams? (although someone else plays you, e.g. some famous actor or athlete?)

I think she really believed that she could share that future with me at first but eventually it did change. Maybe the reality of it became too real and she didn’t want to take responsibility for her life knowing she wasn’t in a good spot for any of what we spoke about.

Yes, very likely. It could be that in the beginning, she was thrilled to have met someone who is super supportive and caring, unlike her father and her exes perhaps. So she was over the moon and felt like she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you. But then the reality kicked in, and she realized you had expectations on her, and she didn’t like it… and she started to resist more and more.

Again I always go back to what she said – “Right now what I’d want is to be in your arms selfishly, I say selfishly because I know in the long run it will just cause more harm for the both of us”. It’s like she wanted it but knew it wasn’t right. That’s how I feel now also.

Well, it could be that she realized she can’t be the person you wanted her to be. She wanted to be “safe in your arms” – she wanted you to be her protector, who unconditionally loves and has no expectations of her. But she also knew that you do have expectations on her, which she wasn’t able or willing to fulfill. She knew that her position is “selfish” – not able or not wanting to change in the ways you expected it from her.

In other words, I think she was aware that there was a big divide between you, and that you will never see eye to eye.

It’s like she wanted it but knew it wasn’t right.

Actually, I don’t think it means she wanted the same as you. I think it means she knew you’re not wanting the same thing. And that’s why she sort of knew it wouldn’t work.

I have been doing my best at trying to focus on my life. Keeping as busy as I can however I have been smoking a bit, planning on cutting down however I need take the steps to do it. It’s like I know how to be my best but I am afraid of taking the steps to start that. I’m sitting on the fence. Almost as if I’m scared to do this journey alone. I think this is another reason I want a partner, I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be. However I don’t do it for myself…

Okay, this sounds like you don’t feel good enough and you feel you need to change (I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be). This pain of not feeling good enough is causing you to seek ways to self-soothe and numb the pain. And one way is addiction.

In the past you said you were addicted to weed and other drugs (I was smoking and doing other drugs at the time so my head was very clouded and foggy.) But when you met this girl, you decided to quit and become your “best self”. And indeed, you did your best. It could be that you wanted to prove to her and yourself that you can be a good person (I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be).

It sounds like there is a part of you who believes he isn’t good enough. And this relationship was a means to finally prove the opposite. But since it failed, you are back with your pain (of not feeling good enough), and again in need to self-soothe…

What do you think? Does this sound plausible?

Hi Adam,

Was there a really big divide from what I have told you? I do understand there were differences but I didnt see it as a deal breaker similar to her. Ofcourse I am going to have some expectations when nothing changes after nearly 12 months.

I think there was a big divide in terms of what you wanted from her, and what she wanted for herself. You wanted her to get a job and seek therapy so she wouldn’t be so moody and sensitive.

She wanted to stay unemployed (at least for a while), heal on her own, and in the meanwhile, she wanted you to unconditionally accept and “respect” her moodiness and sensitivity.

In summary, she wanted you to meet all her emotional needs: soothe her when she is feeling down, understand and accept her moods, and support her in her plan to wean off medication on her own. And not push her to seek either therapy or a job.

You couldn’t accept it, because as you say, it had been almost a year and nothing changed. She was actually getting worse without her medication. But she didn’t want to be told what to do – she wanted to continue with her plan of “healing” on her own.

You see? What she wanted for herself was very different than what you hoped she would do. That’s the big divide I am talking about.

I do understand there were differences but I didnt see it as a deal breaker similar to her.

Well, you didn’t want to break up with her, even after being emotionally abused. If you’re completely honest with yourself, nothing was a deal breaker for you. But I think she saw it more clearly, and those differences were actually a deal-breaker, if you ask me.

It definitely does sound possible. I wanted her by my side to grow as a couple and build the foundations of something strong, that was what i always told her. I know relationships are hard work and are never really perfect, I just wanted someone who will stick by my side during the tough times and when we may not agree on certain things.

Sure, a healthy relationship can help us grow, as we go through challenges and tough times together. However, when you say “I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be“, it has a different message to it.

The message I am hearing is: “I am not good as I am, there is something wrong with me. But I can change and show you how good I can be.”

It’s different than “I know I am not perfect, no one is, but I am willing to grow.”

The first would be a message of someone with low self-esteem (“I am not good as I am. There is something wrong with me”).

The latter would be someone with healthy self-esteem (“I am good as I am. There is nothing deeply wrong with me. I am open to improvement though, because no one is perfect”).

I am bringing this up, Adam, because I think you might be suffering from low self-esteem, even though you might not be aware of it.

One sign of low self-esteem is being prone to addiction. Because when we feel bad about ourselves, we want to soothe and numb that constant pain that we feel.

Another sign of low self-esteem might be daydreaming about being famous. You said it’s almost like an urge, you can’t really stop it. And it gives you a relief for a while. It’s kind of an escape. And that’s typical for people with low self-esteem: to dream about being famous, because they feel that’s what will finally make them worthy.

So this is the feeling I am getting about you – that perhaps you suffer from low self-esteem. I did mention it in the past, but you said that no, you do love yourself and feel good about yourself. But after talking to you more, I do believe there might be problems in that department.

What do you say?

Dear Adam

I tell beginner mediators that it takes  roughly as long to unpick/heal as it has being going on.It is more like an ultra marathon than a hundred meter sprint. So each time you ruminate or daydream on this relationship becoming something it is not, you are actually adding extra  unnecessary distance to the journey.

A technique is to get a clear jar put some water in it  plus a bit of earth and a stick to stir it.

When you think about this woman stir – the water becomes cloudy ( just like your judgement) You can hold it at arms length and  just watch it settle if another thought of her arises  re stir after a while you may recognize that this is hard work!  Eventually you will decide to put the jar down  and not pick it up after the first stir but watch the water clear from a comfortable distance. Thoughts arise and disappear without the need to cling to or repress them.

Also look at Eckart Tolle talk on youtube about the painbody its very interesting and it gave me a different perspective on how to relate to  a certain aspect of my being.