Hi Adam,

I do feel as the finishing piece would be to have a loving long term partner who understands me. I have been successful in a lot of other ways and completed lots of goals of mine already at a reasonable age. Ever since I was young I’ve longed for a real partner.

Right, I see. Yeah, love and career are two major parts of our life. You’ve got your career sorted out, you say you’ve achieved many of your goals. And now you’d like to find a loving partner, someone to settle down and share your life with.

It’s interesting you’ve been longing for a real partner since you were young. Have you felt alone a lot in your childhood? You don’t have to answer, but I think it could be significant. You also say gaming was your “escape” (both in your childhood and now). Escape from what, if you don’t mind me asking?

I don’t feel like I’ve been a spontaneous person at all, I’m a lot more about planning and calculating

Planning is not a bad feature at all. It’s very necessary if we want to achieve goals. And you have achieved a lot of your goals. You’ve also earned enough money to buy a house. All excellent things.

As for spontaneity, I look at it like a season that adds flavor to your meal. For example, you plan a great trip and prepare for every eventuality, but then once you’re at the location, you allow yourself to enjoy, perhaps explore some hidden paths and new vistas, decide on a whim to visit a secret bay… in short, you’re in the moment and enjoying it. So I think the combination of planning and preparing on one hand, and being able to be in the moment and enjoy – is the “winning combination”.

So perhaps the question is: once you’ve reached your goal (either a tourist goal or in terms of your career), can you relax and enjoy it? Or you’re already thinking of the next goal and calculating how to get there?

I am a landscaper by trade so I enjoy the outdoors and gardening. We did lots of terrariums and indoor planting together which was really fun to do as a couple so I will continue do so myself.

That sounds like something that sparked joy in you. It might be a passion worth exploring? It’s a good idea to continue doing on your own and see how you like it…

I think her passion for her craft really intrigued me. She was into crystals, chakras etc and I never have been a spiritual person like that. I found it interesting but not convincing. I think this was also a big difference for her. She read into a lot of things because of her knowledge on chakras etc and I think this is where comments like “your body is rejecting mine” came from. In saying that I admired how much she really enjoyed making necklaces etc.

Yeah, you said she spent hours and hours, till deep into the night, making those necklaces. That’s probably when she was “in the flow” – completely consumed by what she was doing, enjoying every moment of it, and feeling like the time has stopped. Do you have some activity like that, where you forget about time and you “lose yourself” while doing it?

As for her spirituality, it could have been a double-edged sword, because it might have led her to try to heal on her own, without professional help. Whereas for trauma survivors (specially if it was sexual trauma), it is super important to get proper therapy. Not necessarily CBT but somatic therapies. Because I believe you can’t heal trauma just by using crystals and chakra healing.

So it was wrong of me to push her? Or it was wrong of me to expect that pushing her would start the change?
Okay I do understand what you are saying. I expected her to change and thought my efforts would make it happen?

The last one is the closest: “I expected her to change and thought my efforts would make it happen.” Yes, you wanted her to be a more stable person, with some adult goals, that are compatible with your goals. So you definitely wanted to see her changed. But she wasn’t showing any willingness to change. Or perhaps she didn’t want to change in the way you wanted her to.

And then your mistake was to push her and expect things of her. Later you stopped pushing openly, but you were still hoping that with enough patience and understanding on your side, she would start changing. Your intention and vision for her was to see her changed, and you got fixated on it. Whereas the healthy response would have been to let her go.

I am slowly realizing it wasn’t my destiny and I think I always knew this. I think if she stuck around and didn’t leave so much I would’ve felt more destined with her. I think if someone pushes through those tough times with me and shows me they can change and want too then I get that destined feeling. However I’ve never had that, only glimpses with her.

Yeah, her reflex reaction (and perhaps a manipulation tactic) was to leave whenever she didn’t like something. But again, your insisting that she should change (and staying with her) while she didn’t want to change – that was the problem.

I ended up telling her she was getting blocked just out of courtesy but i don’t think she really cared. However I told her she can reach out in the future if she wants to share stories one day. I don’t think she will but I will be in a better spot by then.

Good that you blocked her! When you told her she can reach out in the future, do you mean by email? Or that you’ll unblock her after some time?

It gets me thinking about my past exes and relationships. I always have a soft spot for my past women it’s almost a comfort thing.

Have you stayed friends with your exes?

One of the things that really stuck with me is how she said we are morally different. For example Her morals would be to drop everything to be there for me. Yet she wasn’t. She claimed it was bare minimum because she wants me and needs me and that I should also want to be there for her.

You said it was always one-sided: you were supposed to drop everything for her and also to have understanding for her feelings and her mood swings. But she didn’t understand your feelings – you weren’t supposed to talk about it. As you said, it was a double standard. It was all about her and her needs. Whenever you expressed your needs, you were blamed for it.

Another bare minimum for me was fighting for what you want and she never did that. The fact that it was always me fighting, writing poems, letters, offering comfort and never receiving any from her should’ve been my wake up call and it almost is now. I deserve someone who would’ve done the same for me as I did for them.

Yes, the relationship was one-sided: you invested all this energy in her, and it was never enough. She was just taking and  demanding even more.

A relationship shouldn’t be so unbalanced and one-sided. So that should be your big clue for the future.

Hi Adam,

I have thought about some of what I said today. I honestly did do a lot of fun stuff as a child and at times that kid does come out. I remember when we went looking for shells together and I was like a little kid then, however she did bring that out at the time.

I am a bit of a goof I realised as well, especially in public. I am not afraid of making a fool out myself and looking stupid, I think all my partners have enjoyed this about me and seen I have a playful side. However I do still have that calm and balanced side.

This seems like you’re pretty balanced. You have a playful, even goofy side, and you’re not afraid to show it. Which means you’re not too uptight. But you also have a responsible, planning adult side, which is also super important in life. So it doesn’t seem to me you’re missing playfulness or spontaneity.

I have always been a bit pedantic as well as a planner. I think I do relax and enjoy it but I also keep in the back of my mind that there is always more to achieve, however I am easily pleased and satisfied. I would say I think of the next goal but I don’t calculate how to get there straight away.

Again, this seems pretty balanced to me. It’s not a problem to be pedantic and planner, as long as you can also relax and enjoy from time to time. It’s not like you’re never pleased with your achievements and are pushing yourself from more, from the place of never being good enough.

I am quite sarcastic with my partners and just in general. To me it’s a way of being playful. I tend to innocently tease a bit as well, which has caused my partners needing reassurance at times because of their insecurities. Like that time I brought up how she rolls over and turns away from me in bed, I teased her slightly saying I don’t care but I think it’s cute. However it got taken the wrong way.

Can you give me an example of a sarcastic comment you made? Because innocently teasing and sarcastic is not the same thing. When innocently teasing, we don’t have a bad intention, we don’t want to hurt the person. It’s like we love and accept them, but we might notice a feature of theirs where they are lacking, and we playfully tease them about it. Like when you told her she’s not good with reading directions, to which she got offended. I think that was innocent teasing and no bad intention on your part.

In the situation when she rolled over in bed, perhaps she was extra sensitive because sex triggered her trauma. So your innocent (perhaps a little careless) remark did hurt her. But again, you didn’t say it with bad intention, did you? You just remarked something to which she was super sensitive.

Being told by your partner that you ‘treat them like sh*t’ is heartbreaking. I was almost numb to some of the stuff she said. I remember one time she told me she deserves to be with someone who actually wants her. This was all because I turned a light off before we made out. All these things add up and upsets me how I was mistreated and misunderstood. No matter what I did it was outweighed by the ‘little things’.

Oh I am really sorry. You didn’t mean anything bad by turning off the light, but she attacked you so strongly, accusing you unfairly. That must have been tough. It’s one more proof of how abused you were in that relationship, and that it’s a great thing you broke up.

Similar to my father my mother said, not too excited but not unsatisfied. My Mum compares me a lot to my Dad.

Ever since I was a child I have been a huge day dreamer, excessive at times. I noticed my Father had similar mannerisms to my own when I day dream, maybe he does too. I have never spoken to him about it

What do you notice on your father, which reminds you of yourself? What kind of mannerisms?

“Not too excited but not unsatisfied” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can be someone who has a peaceful nature and is more self-contained. Do you think that you showing emotions as a child (say huge excitement about something) wasn’t greeted well by your father? Or maybe you wanted to emulate him, and so you tried to be calm and “poised” like him?

I didn’t feel alone anymore than a normal kid would I think. I just had desires for a partner from an early age, ever since my first crush. Gaming is like my down time and relaxation. It’s also a social thing for me now as I’ve gotten older as most my friends also game. So during the relationship I obviously lost that a bit which I was fine with. But it was almost as if when things got hectic, I just wanted to game. Usually this meant alone.

I understand… it’s a way for you to unwind and sometimes self-soothe. But it’s not an addiction. It’s more that when things got hectic in your relationship, and I guess she was criticizing you and putting unreasonable demands on you, you just wanted to escape that and spend some time with yourself, doing what you like: gaming.

The thought of one person for the rest of my life honestly scared me a bit at first until I met this girl.

Ever since I was young I’ve longed for a real partner.

Okay, that’s interesting. On one hand, you’ve been longing for a loving partner since you were young. On the other, you were also scared about it. So I guess there was still something that caused you to both long and fear being in a loving relationship? Do you know what that might be?

My friend told me to look at my ex in comparison to my Mother saying, “would she ever end up being the woman your mother is?”. And he’s right she wouldn’t be I don’t think. I’m saying this because I was trying to think of ‘my type’ and I struggle with this, along with what I actually liked about all my exes. I feel like my type is someone like my Mother, someone who is caring, respectful, rational, loving, responsible and hard working just to name a few things.

That’s nice that you think of your mother so highly.

In saying all of this I do get very attached to almost anyone who I think is attractive and gives me attention. I think of compatibility early on and get high hopes for the future.

Yeah, so it might mean that you didn’t receive enough attention in your childhood, or not the kind of attention you wanted? Perhaps your mother was kind and loving, but perhaps she was comparing you to your father a lot and you felt unseen? I am just throwing ideas here, since I really have no clue what happened. Please don’t get offended if I suggest some outlandish idea – I am trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together and help you, if I can.

Hi Adam,

I am glad I am not being too intrusive with my questions and hypotheses 🙂

As an example of being sarcastic I would say things like ‘I love this movie’ if there was a really boring movie on tv.

Did she like the movie and wanted to keep watching it? And then you, instead of saying “sorry I find it boring, can we watch something else?”, you said “I love this movie”, rolling your eyes or something to that effect? So the question is: was your remark playful, or was it resentful because you didn’t dare to say what you really think of the movie?

I think that would be the main difference between playfulness and sarcasm – whether there is resentment in it, or not.

I notice a few ways we are similar. We’re both a bit quiet but make others laugh. Both honest, humble, have the same smile, I could name a lot of different things.

These are all pleasant features. You did say though that you’re similar to your father when you’re daydreaming. So I was wondering what are those daydreaming “features” of yours, that you believe are similar to your father’s?

I saw the psych today and it went really well. She told me my ex had a push pull attachment style. She’d pull me in then push me away. We spoke about a lot and she made me feel very safe and reassured. She said it was clearly abuse. I know What I need to do for myself so I will continue to do it.

Glad you had a successful appointment! Yes, it does seem like the push-and-pull tactics. I mean, she would pull you in with her nice words and promises, and then she would reject you with her moods and criticism. She was complaining you’re not spending enough quality time together, but then she wasn’t interested in doing anything together, but just sulking. You also said that after one earlier breakup, she said she’ll never leave again and that she knows you can always sort things out by talking. But then a short while later she’d be breaking up with you again. And so on…

You said you don’t really know what your type of girlfriend is and what is it that you liked about all your exes (I was trying to think of ‘my type’ and I struggle with this, along with what I actually liked about all my exes). So I took a look at your older posts, and actually this is what you said about your exes:

All my exes have had some form of anxiety or being prescribed to medication

So that’s perhaps significant. Also, you said you had to walk on egg shells around them (and this has proven to be true for your last ex gf too):

They would definitely frustrate me a lot with their own problems which is harsh to say. …. I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them

You also said you yourself sometimes suffer from anxiety:

No i was quite open about my feelings with her, told her about work, psych appointments, anxiety I was feeling at times.

If this is a sensitive topic, we don’t need to talk about it. But perhaps anxiety is a common theme here? Again, please disregard if this is irrelevant.

Dear Adam

Please do not take what I say as a reason to go back into an abusive relationship.

It appears from what you have said that there was a cycle to her.  Woman do have a hormonal cycle and this can exaggerate & trigger behaviors.

Many people do not recognize this and therefore can not take steps to help ease the situation also it can be a very touchy subject as timing is crucial when broaching it.

When I was young there was a couple of days of the month where I was horny as hell ( this clouds judgement) and then about a week or so later it would swing the other way where I was emotional,  but also  could not bare to be touched ( this stage also clouded my judgement). Then my period would arrive (relief ).

Hi Adam,

Yes she definitely was at times limiting my playfulness as I was worried about triggering her. I don’t think she understood my playfulness fully either.

Yeah, people with trauma and low self-esteem can get very offended, not able to take a joke, even if it’s an innocent one. She probably felt threatened by those jokes, as if you’re saying you don’t love her or don’t respect her enough.

I would say it’s more like losing myself in a daydream than being dysfunctional. It just feels excessive sometimes, like I have to day dream.

Did you notice that something triggers your daydreaming? How long do those episodes last?

I think that is definitely what happened. Smoking was a bigger issue in my last two relationships. I really did give it my all. My first ex I tried fighting for months later and she told me if you fought earlier it would’ve been different. I was the distant one at first and didn’t want to rekindle until later on. That really stuck with me so I got into the mind set of fight before it’s too late

Oh I see. So with your first ex you started caring (and fighting for her) too late, so you made sure you don’t repeat the same mistake again. And you quit smoking too, because you wanted to be there for her fully.

I think it is a right time wrong person scenario. It’s a hard lesson but it’s true, we can’t make people change, even if we do everything we can.

Yes, she was definitely the wrong person. But at least you’ve learned a lesson, even if it was a painful one.

I think I could be attracted to it if I’m being honest, however I’m not sure why. My psych said it could just be a coincidence. I don’t think it’s to do with having less issues but more of a protector role.

Right. Well, she was your first relationship where you’ve tried your best. And this could be because you felt ready to settle down (you said you’ve achieved your main career goals so far, bought a house, and so the next step was to find a partner and settle down). So maybe it’s just that you really took it seriously and wanted to make it work. Maybe that’s the only reason why you were so attached to her, and there are no childhood issues involved.

Let me ask you though: have you ever felt inadequate in your childhood? Have you perhaps hoped (and daydreamed) that anything in your life should be different?

I will do my best to stay away from all things related to her.

Yes, please try to stay away, because really no good would come from trying to get in touch again.

I had an average day I’ve just felt so unmotivated and a bit lonely. I think I’ve cried nearly everyday but I’m coping.

I am sorry, Adam. Your feelings are normal. Maybe you’re lacking motivation in part also because you tied your future happiness to her? So perhaps it’s time now to tell yourself that you can still be happy, and still have the future you’re hoping for, only not with her. You’re stronger and wiser for this experience. You’ve learned some lessons, although painful ones. Things will be fine, and you’ll be okay.

I guess you’re right I was a parental figure but I don’t think I was very similar to her father. And thanks that’s good advice not to message him.

Btw was her father a positive person in her life, or not so much? And you’re welcome. Yes, better not stir the pot unnecessarily and get yourself attached to her again, indirectly.

I have just read Roberta’s message as well. It’s interesting you brought up the hormonal cycle. My ex actually just had a laparoscopy to have endometriosis and a marina removed. So maybe it was possible this exaggerated her triggers. We had a big argument before her surgery also. Not sure if any of this is significant.

It could be that she was more sensitive during some days of the month, however if so, she would have later come to her senses and apologized for her abusive behavior. She would have made the connection between “those days in the month” and her irritability. But I guess her unresolved trauma is what really started her triggers, whereas her hormones only played a minor role.