Dear Adam,

I am sorry you are hurting so much. It’s normal because you were very attached to her, even if she wasn’t giving you what you wanted. I dare say you were codependent, which means your happiness depended on her happiness and all your energy and attention was focused on her. That’s not healthy. That’s basically being dependent on a person, similarly as we become dependent on a drug.

I feel she casted me into a role of being an individual to shelter and protect her from all things bad. When I could not do this all the time in reality and this caused her to feel that I wasn’t truly loving her. I think I cast myself in the role as well, all I wanted to do was to keep her happy and content while understanding that I was here.

Yes, she casted you into a role of her “protector”, but you casted yourself not only in the role of her protector, but also her “savior”. Because you wanted her to change. You couldn’t accept to live with her double personality, with her traumatized self. You didn’t like that part. So you wanted to change her. And that’s a big mistake. Because we can never change a person, unless they want to change themselves.

It’s totally understandable that you couldn’t accept her traumatized self, and her switching back and forth between loving you and rejecting you. However, your mistake was to try to push her to change, to work on her healing, which she didn’t want. You became attached to changing her – and that’s where you became codependent. A healthy reaction would have been to leave – because the relationship isn’t working.

I know the attraction of wanting to help someone heal, to “save” them, and then have them love me fully and completely. But I realized it’s loving the idea of the person – the way we would want them to be – rather than the real person that is standing in front of you.

You were hooked on what she told you when she was content with you:

I keep thinking of a past message she gave about what she was wanting. To selfishly have me in her arms where she is safe and comfortable but knowing that she will only cause more pain for the both of us in the long run and have to do it all over again.

But a lot of the times she wasn’t content with you (and you weren’t content with her either). A lot of the times she was accusing you and you felt you need to walk on eggshells:

the less I’d upset her the more I would be anxious on walking on egg shells. But when I spoke up I felt I was shut down and told I wasn’t listening to her.

She took everything I said about her as an attack. All my comments about her getting work, her attitude etc were always taken personally and I was told not to bring it up. She use to say things along the lines of ‘I shouldn’t feel bad for feeling a certain way‘ , yet when I would say something similar it was unfair in her eyes. It was always a double standard.

She would accuse me of not having my priorities right, expecting that she should be number 1 before anything else.

She needed a caregiver 247 and when I wasn’t there for her it was again signs of me not loving her enough and her not getting what she was wanting.

I feel quite attacked honestly. I don’t think my side was ever considered and she would selfishly use me as a punching bag for her irrational behavior

This was the reality of your relationship: lots of fights, her accusing you of not understanding her, you wanting her to change and seek therapy, get a job, become more responsible, she breaking up with you whenever she disliked something, then reconciliating mostly because you reached out. And the same cycle repeating over and over.

You see? The reality was much different than your imagined future where she is content in your arms and loving you fully and completely. And where she is mostly healed and behaves like an adult.

You are now latching onto that imagined future (which is like a mirage in the desert, not a reality), and it is getting stronger in your mind. And you are forgetting about the problems and fights and the emotional abuse that you suffered in the relationship:

I keep thinking of a past message she gave about what she was wanting. To selfishly have me in her arms where she is safe and comfortable  <– this is the imagined future

I am finding it hard at the moment to dig up that feeling I had over the last couple weeks when we were together. The feeling of loosing myself and becoming a shell. All I can think is it was right person wrong time. <– this is forgetting about the pain and abuse you’ve experienced in reality

You are making it harder for yourself, because you are distorting the reality of the situation. Remembering things as better than they were… and in due time, if she reaches out again, you will be tempted to get back together again.

If you really want to heal, you’d need to accept the reality and not beautifying it. Accept that she is not who you imagine her to be, and that sticking to the mirage will only make you suffer more.

You’ve started smoking again, because it serves to soothe the pain, to reduce your anxiety temporarily. But can you see that you actually increase your pain by beautifying reality, by refusing to see that your relationship wasn’t so great at all? That a lot of it was in your mind, you hoping for things that weren’t there.

Dear Adam, I know it’s hard for you, but you can heal. It doesn’t have to be that hard. I hope to talk to you more about this…

Hi Adam,

she never wanted her bad moods to affect people and that’s why she chose to leave at times and be distant.

She use to say things along the lines of ‘I shouldn’t feel bad for feeling a certain way‘ , yet when I would say something similar it was unfair in her eyes. It was always a double standard.

She may have said that she doesn’t want her moods to affect you badly. However, when you expressed that her moods are affecting you badly, she thought you were unfair to her. So yes, it was a double standard, and she wasn’t really honest when she said she doesn’t want her moods to affect you.

Due to her trauma, she could only think of herself and her needs. She needed you to support her 24/7, and you were not supposed to express any concern or upset about her behavior. You ended up tip-toeing around her, watching your every word. Eventually, this turned you into a shell of a person (The feeling of loosing myself and becoming a shell).

She said she did want to work on healing but she didn’t really take any action on it.

Again, she promised something, but those were just empty words. She didn’t take any steps towards it. A little bit like the above: saying one thing, but doing the other.

Do you think I pushed her to change too much? I did earlier in the relationship, but then I stopped and was left waiting for her to still get work, therapy etc.

You were too attached to her changing. You were not able to leave the relationship. She was leaving you multiple times, because you couldn’t play by her rules, you couldn’t be a 24/7 protector who never complains and never needs anything.

So instead of pushing her to change and trying to help her heal, the best thing for you would have been to leave. Because the same cycle was repeating over and over, and nothing was changing.

In the later cycles, you say you even stopped pushing her. You tried to play by her rules, but it still wasn’t good enough for her, was it? She wasn’t happy with you… In fact, in the last 3 weeks she was telling you you need to make her your first priority (She was often in my ear telling me I need to change my priorities and be there for her etc.).

So it was never enough for her – even if you stopped pushing her to change, find a job etc.

So you think I was in love with the idea of what she could be? There was a lot I loved and also a lot I didn’t but I put up with it. I taught myself that it was okay and this was just who she was.

Yes, I think so. You hoped she would heal the traumatized part and stopped being so moody and needy. However, this healing never happened, she never did anything about it. She would break up with you whenever you demanded something. And you couldn’t bear the thought of losing her. That’s why you always reached out and reconciled… and I guess with each reconciliation, you became more and more compliant, less and less demanding of her (I taught myself that it was okay and this was just who she was.)

You taught yourself – you forced yourself – to accept her moodiness and neediness. But even that wasn’t good enough for her. She wanted more, she wanted to be your top priority. And this led you to lose yourself and become a shell.

Do you see? Your unwillingness to lose her led you to lose yourself.

I do see how the reality is a lot different and I think that’s what hurts but I do feel I am healing as well. Just the thought of it all actually ending causes grief.

Yes, you don’t want to lose her, because losing her is very loaded for you. I think it touches something deep in your heart, perhaps a feeling of being unwanted, or not good enough. You were never good enough for her, and you wanted to prove that you are. But you see what effect it had on you: it made you lose yourself, it almost destroyed you…

I don’t know why I am latching into an imagined future. I feel like each day I think about it a tiny bit more. I will try my hardest to not beautify the relationship and remember what it actually was.

I think you are latching on it because you still want to hold on to the hope that she might change some day, and finally love you. And in your mind, this will be a proof that you’re good enough. I think it’s some deep longing there, that’s why it is so hard to let go.

But please be aware of what is at stake her. You don’t want to lose yourself so you can have her. You need to find yourself, to affirm yourself, to strengthen yourself. Because you are worthy!

Hi Adam,

I was always myself around her at first but the more she became unstable and voice concerns the more I would feel like I wasn’t enough.

Yes, you started out as being yourself, but she couldn’t tolerate it and would get offended for small things (e.g. you telling her she’s not good at finding directions). So you started watching what you say and not being yourself around her.

Last time before she broke up with you, she accused you of cheating, which wasn’t true and was completely irrational:

She started saying she had a feeling that I was cheating on her even though I wasn’t. She said she knew I wasn’t but it was a feeling and she didn’t know why her head was telling her that.

She was also getting “thoughts of leaving”, and she said she couldn’t fight those thoughts. She could have done something about those thoughts – by seeking therapy for example. But she didn’t want to. She had an excuse why she doesn’t want therapy. So she acted like a victim of her irrational thoughts and feelings – as if she couldn’t do anything about it. Well, she could have done. But she chose not to.

What I am trying to say is that you cannot expect to have a meaningful relationship with a mentally unstable person, who just gets weird thoughts and feelings, and doesn’t want to seek professional help. And basically tortures you with those feelings: accuses you of cheating on her, of not being her priority, of not being there for her 24/7, etc etc.

You became the victim of her moods, and chose to expose yourself to those moods. Hoping she would change – although she didn’t show any intention to change. She might have said she wanted to change, but those were just empty words. In reality, she hasn’t done anything in the past 11 months since you’ve known her to seek help.

I am sorry you cannot see this, Adam. That this is a hopeless situation. She isn’t interested in healing at this point. And you are a collateral victim of her mental illness. You are still hoping for something that won’t happen any time soon. And in the meanwhile, you are losing yourself, you are becoming a shell of a person. You are exposing yourself to emotional abuse.

I couldn’t leave because I had so much faith and trust that she would stick it out and push through those hard times, I can’t understand why she didn’t. Why she had to leave makes no sense to me still.

How can she push through if she doesn’t want to seek therapy? She is stuck in trauma and it doesn’t just go away from itself. Why doesn’t she want therapy? Probably because she doesn’t want to truly take responsibility for her life. She wants to stay the victim. You are a nice addition, because you take off the pressure and soothe her when she is feeling down. Which is most of the time. So you are there as her releasing valve and a punching bag, as you said. You are a function for her, not an individual with your own needs and wants.

Why she had to leave makes no sense to me still.

Because that’s her go-to reaction: she leaves whenever she is triggered. Whenever she feels you’re not perfectly caring and understanding. Whenever you raise a concern about her. And by now she’s learned that you always want her back, and you always become even less demanding and more careful not to upset her. So maybe she is using breakups as a tactics to control you. I don’t know. But even if she doesn’t, that’s the net effect: after each breakup you become more careful how you behave around her, what you say, you walk on egg shells…

So you think that we only reconciled in the past because I reached out?

Possibly. But maybe she knew you would reach out because you always do. But what’s important is that after you reconcile, nothing changes. Her moodiness continues, and you are there as a punching bag. And you always believe that this time, things would change. But that’s wishful thinking, that’s deluding yourself. Because she doesn’t take any steps to help herself. So it cannot be different than the last time.

it makes me think we will still rekindle and she will want to, so I’m not sure what to do or think.

Yes, unfortunately you still can’t see how destructive this relationship is for you. She might reach out, tell you some promising words, and then continue business-as-usual.

In an ideal situation I wouldn’t be loosing myself your right.

Yes, in a healthy relationship you don’t lose yourself. In a toxic one you do.

It hurts a lot loosing her because I really feel like she was the one and that it was a shared vision.

Well, she may have told you that she’d want to spend her life with you. But again, those were just empty words, because in  reality, she didn’t do anything to work towards that “shared vision.” Theory and nice promises are one thing, but reality, which is repeating itself again and again, is another.

In her eyes I think she was bringing me down and that’s why she left. But that sounds like an excuse if that’s the reason.

You see it well. She didn’t leave because she wanted to protect you. She left because she was upset with you, you weren’t “good enough” for her. As I said, she might be even using breakups to manipulate you and make you even more “meek”. I am not sure about that, but nevertheless, that’s the end result of each of your breakup.

Yeh there is definitely a deep longing and it’s difficult to let go of it. I still think about reaching out and the what’s ifs.

I understand… because the pain of being without her is too big. And even if this relationship is destructive and makes you lose yourself, and suffer, you’d still rather be with her than alone. Even if the price is so high…

I just wanted to find myself with her and I thought I really could’ve. Maybe she didn’t feel the same.

We can’t find ourselves while being focused exclusively on the other person. In order to find ourselves, we need to look within, find things that we love and do them… Just as an example, you said you feel bored on the weekends, and I think it’s because you don’t have anything to do when you’re not with her. It could be that you don’t have hobbies, things that you enjoy doing – separately of her?

If you want to have a fulfilled life, you’d need to find yourself as an independent and separate person from her. Because that’s who you are at your core. Only when we find ourselves, and are happy with who we are, can we form healthy relationships with others.

I notice two parts in you, Adam: one is your rational self, who sees things clearly and sees that you were abused. And the other part is emotional and clingy, who deludes himself that it will be better next time and wants to try again. This clingy part overwrites your reason, forgets about the bad things that happened and latches onto false hope.

I think this other part is your inner child, who desperately needs to be loved and more importantly, seeks love from emotionally unavailable people. I think you’d need to work on your inner child, so you can be free from this kind of dependence.

Hi Adam,

I am glad you’ve exchanged your belongings, and even though it was uncomfortable, you’re over it now. At least you don’t need to meet her again.

She said she wants to be there for each other but doesn’t see how it would work without being together.

I strongly suggest to forget about “staying friends” with her, because it’s not possible. You always end up sucked back into the relationship. Since you’re definitely not neutral towards each other and there are hurts and resentments, it wouldn’t be possible to stay friends. No need for it either. You don’t need to be there for her – you tried in the past 11 months, and this is how it ended. So the only feasible option is to go your separate ways. Wish her well (in your thoughts) and start focusing on your own life.

She admitted to emotionally processing the break up before it happened and taking it out on me. Her ‘deal breaker’ was the difference between us. Because of the differences in us it wasn’t the relationship she wanted to have. Made me realise that it was all manipulation, especially this.

Yes, it does seem like an excuse. Frankly, it seems to me that the biggest difference is that you wanted her to change, and she didn’t. That was the key stumbling block. If she wanted to work on her issues, to at least make one step in that direction, things would have been different. But like this, there was no chance.

No she didn’t want to change. By her last message she wanted to relationship to work around her and accommodate to her needs and wants. I am starting to see it now more I think.

Good. Glad you’re waking up to the fact that no matter how accommodating and careful you were around her, she always found something to be displeased with. You said she has been complaining recently that you’re not there for her 24/7, that she is not your priority etc. She behaved like a spoiled child a little, and blamed you for it…

She definitely used the break ups as a way to control me, whether she knew it or not. She knew I was readily available when she wanted. When she would pull away I would always be following behind ready to give her my heart back but not this time.

Yes, I remember last time she broke up with you you really wanted her back badly. You thought she sincerely wanted to change and work on her issues…. but this turned out to be wishful thinking. I hope you see that waiting for her to change, or nudging her, is futile. The only healthy way – which won’t be destructive for you – is to let her go.

No time was any different, it honestly just got worse and spiraled out of control. All the false promises, still no work, still left, still unstable and the list goes on. Those few things should’ve been enough for me to leave. As you said leaving would’ve been a healthy reaction in the first place. It was all just a fantasy and in reality she was not good for me.

Yes, I am glad you see it now.

I was good enough though in the end she even said I did nothing wrong which I already knew. It was her not me. I was trapped and got brought down by her disgusting moods.

Good that you realize that you didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve tried to support her. You even stopped asking her about her job. But she still found stuff to complain about. But that’s how we are when we have unresolved trauma – our unhappiness and frustration come from within. And no matter how someone can be kind to us, we still react, we still blame them and take out our frustration on them. Unfortunately, that’s what she was doing to you.

It does hurt a lot and the pain of being alone I can handle but it’s just how she burned me that hurts. I trusted her completely again and it was broken again. It’s always the ones closest to you. I know what I deserve though.

Yeah, you trusted her words, and they were misleading because she would promise things, but would never act on it. She said she wanted to heal and get better, but did nothing towards it. You even thought she was breaking up with you because she wanted to spare you from her moods. Whereas the reality was that she was too triggered to stay in the relationship and perhaps was even punishing you for mentioning anything that disturbed her.

I’ll get back to being happy pretty quickly I think. I will find my passions again and the weekend boredom will soon vanish. It’s still quite fresh for me.

Well, you don’t need to force yourself to get over her quickly. Take your time. It won’t be easy and it cannot be easy, because you were so attached to her. And the vulnerable part of you – who wanted to trust her blindly – is still in you. I think you’ll need to develop a relationship with that vulnerable part of you (your inner child) and be like a good parent to him.

Up until now you served a little bit like a parent to your ex, because you do have a strong adult part in you, who is responsible, wants to plan for the future, focus on his life goals etc. You tried to parent her (soothe her, console her, encourage her), and at the same time nudge her to come up higher, to take responsibility for her life. You’ve been a good “parent” to her. The only problem is that that’s not what we should be to our romantic partner. However, you should be a good parent to your own inner child.

So I encourage you to develop a relationship with your inner child – with the little boy you were x years ago. Talk to him, soothe him, tell him you love him and you are proud of him, and that he’s an amazing chap. Be a good parent to him. Does this make sense to you? Do you think you can get in touch with your inner child?

And at the same time, go back to your hobbies, things that give you joy, which you might have neglected. That’s good both for your inner child and your adult self too. Do what makes you happy.

I get so attached and clingy especially with exes and I don’t know why. I think it’s because now that person is gone all the memories we shared feel like they are gone as well.

I do have a deep longing for love and maybe it’s related to my inner child.

Yeah, I think your inner child needs to feel loved. Perhaps in your childhood you didn’t feel loved, or you didn’t feel good enough to feel loved, and that’s what’s making you vulnerable now? Once you can give love to your inner child, the inner pain and longing will lessen, and you’ll be less attracted to people who can’t really love you.

I know one day I will find someone but in the meantime I will try focus on loving myself again.

Very well said. You do need to learn to love yourself again, and as a part of that task, love your inner child too. I think if you do that, your healing will be complete.

Hi Adam,

No we are not staying friends. Like you mentioned I was there for her for 11 months straight.

Good you’re not staying friends!

She was only saying things like ‘I’d love to still have you in my life’ but I don’t think she actually meant it. If she did I would be.

I think you shouldn’t agree to stay in her life even if she asks for it. Because it would inevitably lead to getting attached to her again and sucked into the relationship. So please, if she reaches out wanting to be friends, don’t accommodate her. Because you need to focus on yourself in this next phase. You can’t be sucked into caring about her all the time, which inevitably leads to emotional abuse and losing yourself.

She really blamed me for a lot. It hurt to hear her say that in her final message. That she took it out on me because that’s what it really felt like at the time and I was so confused, I tore myself apart because I thought I was overthinking it. Made me feel worthless and like I was doing something wrong but it was her just taking anger out on me.

Yeah, as you said, you ended up being her punching bag. That was clearly emotional abuse – blaming you and not taking responsibility for her own moods and actions.

There was so many things, mostly innocent that triggered her. I wouldn’t even no where to start but whenever there was a disagreement her first reaction was to leave and it almost seemed like a power move to keep me on my toes.

Yes, it seems she was using withdrawal and breakups as a means to control you, to make you more accommodating and more compliant with her needs.

However the next day she told me she only said that to be petty. She wanted me to know that I can’t pick and choose when I see her. I stopped asking for my own time after that.

Wow, that’s really controlling! It’s like saying “your needs don’t matter, I don’t care what you want. It only matters what I want. If I need you, you’ll get here, no discussion about that!” It’s almost like wanting to completely possess you. And you yielded, in fact. You stopped asking anything for yourself…

I was like a parent, partner, caretaker, brother and a friend all in one. It was a full time job and it became so consuming and overwhelming.

Yes, and she wanted to possess you completely, it seems. You were her ownership, not a free person with your own needs and wants.

I am trying to focus on things that make me happy. Work and my house is a big priority for me. At the moment it’s hard to find things that make me happy

I think the reason you don’t know what makes you happy is that you have been completely focused on her for a long time. Did you have hobbies in the past? Did you have things you enjoyed doing?

You say your work and house are a priority for you. Is that something that makes you happy, or it’s more like tasks that need to be tended to?

I’m glad I’m not walking on egg shells anymore. I had this realization last night when I was sitting and home and it just seemed so peaceful. No responsibility with how another person is feeling. No bad moods affecting my mood.

Yes, it’s liberating. Cherish those moments free from emotional abuse. However, it can be that after a while you’ll start feeling bored and down a little bit… Do you have friends you can spend time with on the weekends? Something or someone to help you with those lonely moments that will inevitably creep up after a while?

I felt loved as a child I think as a teenager, especially from girls I didn’t feel loved. More judged. I might have attachment issues because of this, I’m planning to speak to my psych about it too.

So you felt judged by girls, not loved? It’s a bit like with her too – she judged you, you were never good enough.

Have you felt judged, or otherwise not adequate, in your childhood too? For example, have you tried to please your mother, help her the best you can, but she was often frustrated and unhappy about something (not necessarily about you, but about life)?

I am asking because that’s usually how codependency develops: if we are our parent’s helper and they rely on us sometimes even for emotional support. So we become “parentified”, i.e. a little bit like parents to them, which is role reversal. Our needs don’t get met, because we try to meet our parent’s needs. Anyway, I am not claiming anything since I don’t know much about your childhood. Just saying what can be the cause of codependent behavior once we grow up.

Any tips of healing my inner child? It’s been a week now and I’m honestly feeling okay, I’m just digging up all the old things that I kept my mouth shut about. And there is a lot of things I regret not speaking up about but as discussed it wouldn’t have changed anything if I told her.

That’s good that you looking back and revisiting your relationship, and noticing how and when you were poorly treated. Being aware of how we were mistreated is a key step in preventing abuse in the future.

As for the inner child, well, for now I’d suggest to look within. Bring your focus on your own needs. Start first self-care first: basic physiological needs, lots of sleep and rest, healthy food and exercise. When we’re codependent, we neglect our own needs and focus totally on the other person. So now, bring that focus back on yourself. You have the right to care for yourself and be a little “selfish” about it.

Also, when you start feeling lonely and perhaps start daydreaming about her again, have someone to reach out to to talk to and hang out with. Don’t stay alone with your sadness and longing. You can always post here if you start feeling down.

Also, I recommend writing down on a piece of paper all of the abusive stuff she did and how you felt as a result. For example, walking on eggshells, being accused of not having her as your No1 priority, not being allowed to have needs of your own, being like on remote control, feeling like a punching bag, becoming a shell, etc etc. If you want, I can help you create that list based on what you’ve shared here.

But basically, to have a list of “grievances” ready for those challenges moments when you start forgetting how bad it was and fantasizing of getting back together.

So I think at this point what is important is to have a set of precautions in place not to fall into limerence and fantasizing. Surround yourself with supportive people. Go to therapy. Take care of yourself and your basic needs.

And keep posting here as well, for as long as you need…