Hi Adam,

lovely to hear from you again!

There is definitely a lot less pressure in this relationship which I like. She is in a similar position – likes where things are going and happy to see where it leads

Okay, so she seems interested in a long-term, committed relationship, possibly ending in marriage? Have you talked about marriage, kids and the possible time frame for that?

I do find myself trying to leave the door open for deeper discussions a lot and she doesn’t really seem to want to engage in that. This is probably my only red flag I’ve noticed … eventually things will need to be spoken about, like exes etc.

recently I have just felt like I don’t fully connect with people even though I do try too, conversations can be hard at times.

It seems you would like to talk about your feelings more (perhaps even about how you felt with your ex), but she isn’t open to that? Do you feel that you can’t really share if you are upset about someone or something, because she doesn’t seem to be  interested? Like, she doesn’t show empathy or even a willingness to listen?

So maybe you would like to connect on a deeper level with her, as your special person, but she isn’t very receptive?

I find myself wanting to go back into a comfort zone of just smoking weed and being by myself. Not sure what the reason behind it is though.

I can understand that not being seen and understood – not being able to share emotional intimacy – can be hurtful for you. And so that would trigger the need to self-medicate with weed.

I encourage you to acknowledge the need for emotional intimacy as a legitimate need. So your need is not bad. But perhaps she is not able to partake in that kind of intimacy? Maybe she is afraid of emotional vulnerability?

When you talk with her, is she a happy-go-lucky person, who doesn’t want to talk about “heavier” topics, and so you feel she can’t understand you and empathize with you?

Hi Adam,

honestly we haven’t really talked about long term goals or anything like that. Not a thought she has really entertained herself which I’m fine with in a way because I felt like it did put pressure on me as a partner with my exes whenever we spoke about the future. It also planted an expectation in my head.

I hear you. You don’t want to put the stress on her, making it seem like you’re expecting her to get married to you. And also, you don’t want to start thinking that she is “the one”, and that you’ll spend the rest of your life with her. You did all that with your ex, and it didn’t end well. So you’re taking it slowly, which is a good thing.

Just a simple “yeah that’s fair” as a reply.

To what did she say “yeah that’s fair”? To the fact that you are upset by a bad review?

I expected her to atleast ask, what happened at work? Or why is it stressing you out? But there wasn’t even a question about it. Just a simple “yeah that’s fair” as a reply. So I guess it does feel like I can’t communicate why I’m upset about things and that just makes me more upset.

Yes, it does seem she isn’t too interested in knowing more about your feelings, or in empathizing with you. It does seem she is uncomfortable with emotional intimacy.

She doesn’t seem to want to open up about anything or ask what’s going on with me when I make it obvious something is up.

That’s pretty tough. So you do tell her you’re upset about something: you’re not only showing it by a change in your mood, but you actually tell her that you’re upset about something, right? And she isn’t interested in hearing more about it? And she also doesn’t share anything that might bother her, right?

So it can confuse me a bit and make me overthink.  Maybe this is something I should mention?

Yes, that’s certainly not a healthy relationship if one partner is emotionally closed down and doesn’t even want to talk about their emotions, nor is interested in yours. It may be that she is not in touch with her feelings, or is afraid that she wouldn’t be able to support you and empathize with you.

Maybe she had a needy parent who was constantly complaining, and so now she is projecting that parent into you, believing that you are similar. Or she was judged and attacked whenever she would show vulnerability, and so she’s learned not to open up about her feelings. There could be multiple reasons for her behavior.

But whatever it is, her behavior isn’t really something you should accept and live with, because it prevents you from having a deep, fulfilling relationship, in which you can truly “see” each other. You can’t be authentic if she denies talking about her true feelings, or isn’t interested in yours.

So yes, you might want to bring it up with her. You might say that you would like to talk it through if you had a bad day at work, and would like her to share your feelings and impressions with her. But that she seems uninterested, which makes you feel rejected.