Hi Adam,

you are welcome! I am glad you were mostly doing fine last week and thinking of her less. How are things at the moment? I hope you’re having a good weekend…

Yeh when we last got back together she basically said it’s up to me if I want to stick around for her ‘6 or so month healing process’ so basically until she was off her medication. I told her I’m here all the way, we spoke about therapy once she has an income but she didn’t get a job despite getting numerous offers.

You actually stayed with her all the way, even though her condition was deteriorating and she ended up emotionally abusing you. Unfortunately it wasn’t a “6 or so month healing process”. She wasn’t getting any healing in the process. She wasn’t working on her trauma, she was just cutting down on her medication, without really working on the cause of her dysregulation. Which naturally made things worse.

As far as therapy, I got the impression that she didn’t even want to seek therapy, even if it she could afford it. Because she had a bad prior experience and she didn’t find a therapist with whom she clicked. I didn’t get the impression that money was really a problem, but more her attitude that she can heal on her own?

I would say she didn’t want to accept the toll it took on me and I also didn’t want to tell her either. However she did say to me that she knows she is a lot to handle.

Yeah, you said that when you expressed how her moods made you feel (which you did rarely, I guess), she wasn’t really receptive to hearing it. Even if she would admit she was a lot to handle, she didn’t do anything to mitigate it. It was like “take it or leave it”. Or rather, when you said something she didn’t like, it was her who left. And so next time you didn’t dare to say anything….

An example of holding onto the past was when I told her that I have walls and a guard up because of the last break ups and she has to gain my trust again. She basically said I shouldn’t hold onto what’s happened in the past as now is all that matters to her. She wanted me to blindly trust her.

She wanted you to trust her that she’ll heal on her own, right? And that in the meanwhile you should accept her moods and be there for her, regardless of how emotionally abusive and controlling her behavior was?

I think it will just be a personal achievement as I don’t know if it relates to me being a good partner but more the idea of it being a good relationship because we reached a milestone.

Well, sometimes people stay in dysfunctional relationships (and marriages) for years, so the duration isn’t always a sign that the relationship is healthy. Your relationship was dysfunctional, so even if she wasn’t breaking up all the time, I think the 12 month mark wouldn’t have meant much in terms of how good and healthy your relationship was.

I do see why I fought now and I understand a lot more; my mind is starting to get clearer.

I am happy about that!

I think it’s very ironic. I am genuinely an easy to please person. A lot of people and not just my partners have said this to me and I’ve come to realise majority of them are not actually easily pleased.

Right, you are easy to please, but you are attracted to girls who are difficult to please. And that causes some unfortunate dynamic…

I do jump into relationships quickly now I think of it. This one in particular was an unexpected one. I think I am so attached to how it all started which made it a bit harder. It was very spontaneous and natural and that’s what I wanted from meeting someone new and I think that’s what I miss and I try hold onto.

Okay, so you like how effortless and spontaneous your meeting was, and how it all flowed nicely in the beginning. The problem is that sometimes the relationship starts like a fairy tale, but turns into a nightmare. She was actually different in the beginning of the relationship – you said her personality on medications was much more relaxed and easy going, and you actually liked it.

However, the problem is that she didn’t like herself on medications. She wanted to get off of it. Perhaps she felt she wasn’t her true self while on medications? Btw did she say why she wanted to get off of medications?

In any case, it seems that the person you liked and fell in love in the beginning wasn’t the person she liked. And so she started to change…

Hi Adam,

I think the hardest thing for me is just accepting that in the end she didn’t care.

Well, yeah, in a way, she didn’t care enough to seek therapy for example. Because therapy might have helped her, and in turn, might have helped your relationship too. But you know what – people with trauma sometimes have wounds that they don’t want to look at. It could be that her refusal of therapy and insisting that she’d heal on her own is a form of escape – not wanting to dig deep enough and face those wounds.

What I am trying to say is that her breaking up with you (and not seeking therapy) might have been caused by her fear of facing her pain, not by her not caring enough about you. It’s not about you, it’s probably about her own escapism and fear to face herself.

I am finding it hard to fully move on. It’s been 5 weeks and I feel myself still holding onto things. I am catch myself still wanting to check her socials and even detour past her place at times, I’m not sure why.

Well, 5 weeks is not much time. It’s still fresh and raw. It doesn’t help that you live close by though. That’s making it tougher for you. I’d say the best would be to move, but then again, you just bought a house there, right? You can’t really move to a different place, right?

I just found it really odd that she got the exact same jumper as the one she returned, I obviously left an impression on her in someway.

So it was your jumper that she was wearing, and she returned it to you when you broke up? Perhaps she really likes that type of jumper and that’s why she bought the same type…

I think you’re right, she never seemed open to therapy. She did mention if things get really bad we would do couple therapy but she told me she knows we can always work things out.

Yeah, and you “worked it out” by her breaking up and then reconciling on her terms… It seems like manipulation, Adam. You never worked out anything, except you becoming more and more tolerant of her moods and her bad treatment of you.

She knows she needs therapy she is just avoiding it. She admitted after our last break up that it was completely reasonable and she does need it.

Sounds like she agreed it’s a reasonable thing to do, because that’s what you wanted to hear. But she never really sought therapy – instead, whenever she got upset, she simply broke up with you. That was easier than therapy. Which means she wasn’t willing to work on herself or change anything about herself.

The bad break ups started happening before she reduced her medication. Probably due to the trauma and her reading into everything.

Oh I see. So she was quick to break up even when still on medication. It seems that’s her go-to defense mechanism: to escape, to flee the uncomfortable situation. It’s one of the 3 typical trauma responses: fight-flight-freeze. Hers seems to be to flee.

I don’t know if later she started using it to manipulate you, but in any case, it seems that rather than facing herself, she rather flees the relationship, because for her, that’s a “safer” (less painful) option.

In saying that reducing her medication definitely caused problems towards the end. It was always revolving around her withdrawals. My psych found it odd that it’s still occurring saying she shouldn’t be getting withdrawals every 2 weeks, might just be another cop out.

I don’t know anything about withdrawing from an antidepressants, and what the process looks like, but I am sure that doing it on your own, without professional help, is hard, if not impossible. I mean, there is a reason why she was on antidepressants – most likely because she wasn’t able to deal with her emotional states and regulate herself. If she hasn’t resolved her trauma, I don’t see a reason why she would be able to get off medication just like that. Basically to pull herself by her own bootstraps. That’s not how healing works.

I did trust that she would heal on her own.

Yes, you wanted to trust her, because she told you to trust her, didn’t she? You would suggest therapy from time to time, but I guess she convinced you she doesn’t need therapy and that she had a bad experience with therapy. She was certain she’d manage on her own – she even gave you the time frame of approx. 6 months to get off medication. So I guess she sounded very convincing and sure that she can do it alone, and so you trusted her?

I was very accepting of her moods as well. But I did show resistance because it started affecting me and I think she realised I was acting different. Only she didn’t want to accept that it was due to her “healing process”.

Yeah, that was unfair of her. Because she denied any responsibility for her moods, but rather blamed you for being insensitive, right?

I actually told her myself that I don’t say much to her because I know she is easily triggered especially while reducing medication. I also told her that she will do it all herself but I will be there the whole way. So I guess I was saying ‘I’ll take whatever you throw at me because I trust you are going to heal so in the meantime focus on yourself and treat me however you feel”. It honestly seemed like that’s what I was trying to tell her and I was okay with it.

Yeah, you really wanted to believe that she’d heal on her own. And also, you made a vow to yourself that you’d stick by her side as long as necessary (in part to prove that you’re a good and worthy partner). It’s almost like you believed it’s a storm and you need to hunker down till it passes. Except in this case, she was the source of the storm, and she wasn’t really doing anything to lessen it, on the contrary, she let things loose.

Yes I definitely adore the spontaneity. At first we hit it off however the next day she told me she can’t talk and needs to figure herself out… foreshadowing early on.

Maybe she was aware of how difficult she is in relationships. Maybe she was also aware of her tendency to escape when things get tough.

I left my number and said msg me anytime! She ended up texting me a few weeks later and I knew she would, that gut feeling was there. Again we hit it off and basically hung out the next day and the rest is history. So she almost chased me at first, she instigated the first date etc and I loved that. I feel like she got more uptight and judgemental of me as time went on.

Yeah, she seems to have dropped her guard for a while in the beginning and wanted to give it a try. But then soon enough her trauma got the best of her, and she just started reacting from her wounds. And she started blaming you, breaking up with you etc.

They were basically her exact words Tee. She didnt feel like she was her true self when she was on medication and she wanted to be off them. She wanted off them because she didn’t want to live her life on medication and she wanted to feel and enjoy things not on any medication basically.

Yeah, I get where she is coming from, but as I said, there is a reason why she was on medication. If she isn’t able to function normally without medication, then being off medication isn’t something to aim for, specially if she refuses therapy.

And let me just also note that the way she was with you a lot of the times – moody, emotionally abusive, not willing to accept responsibility for her behavior – that’s not her true self either. That’s her wounded self. So unfortunately she didn’t come closer to her true self in this “healing” attempt.

I think she thought something was wrong with her. She asked me many times if I thought something was wrong with her too.

Well, something was wrong with her in the sense that she was hurt and her emotions were overwhelming. She couldn’t emotionally regulate herself. But there is nothing wrong with her deep down, at the core.

A lot of traumatized children believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, that they are inherently faulty. I believed that too. Because my mother criticized me all the time, so I believed that I must be defective to my core. That was a false belief, the one that caused me great pain and suffering. But eventually, I’ve managed to heal it, and therapy helped me a lot (though it was a long process).

Perhaps she had a similar false belief – that something is fundamentally wrong with her. A good therapy would have helped her, but she was afraid of it, it seems.

I really did fall in love with her in the beginning and maybe that’s all it is. I loved her at the start but eventually there wasn’t much to love. Although I still did love her.

It seems you fell in love with a laid back version of her. Which wasn’t her true self, or rather, it wasn’t the personality that she could sustain, because her trauma would hijack her personality. And I guess that’s what you saw later in the relationship: her traumatized self hijacking and consuming the relationship.

You kept loving her, because you wanted to believe that your love will help her heal. But the truth is that she didn’t really want to heal. Because true healing means facing ourselves and our emotional wounds. So to be more precise, she didn’t really want to do the work necessary for healing. And that’s why you couldn’t help her either.

She really left a mark on me and I feel like I want to chase that high again that we had on the beginning. Whether it’s with her or another person I think that’s what I want to feel at the moment but I know eventually good things will come.

It’s good to know what you are craving: the high of meeting someone and believing that they are “the one”. When there is a hole inside of us, we have that deep longing for someone – someone with whom we’ll finally feel fulfilled. You said you’ve always longed for a partner, ever since you were a teen. It could be that you’ve longed for someone with whom you can feel that sense of bliss and oneness, which would finally fill the hole. Does this ring true? Do you feel there is a hole inside of you that needs to be filled?

I have a psych appointment tomorrow I’ll let you know how it goes!

Oh good, I am looking forward to it!

Hi Adam,

My psych said a similar thing. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about me but that there wasn’t some care factor in the relationship and if she didn’t care for certain things which was most likely related to her trauma. That’s what I gathered anyway.

Yes, traumatized people can be selfish and not care about other people’s needs, but only their own. I guess when she would break up with you, she thought she was protecting herself, since her go-to reaction was to flee. But then perhaps she couldn’t stay alone for long, as your therapist said, and would return to the relationship. Because she needed someone to regulate her (to be her “protector”). But soon thereafter, she would flee again. It’s all because of her trauma.

Yes she would always flee, my psych thinks that she also struggles to be alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was in a relationship quite soon but I will do my best to not let it bother me. I’m very optimistic about my future however my frustration comes from knowing I have a process to get there.

I am glad you feel optimistic about your future. Yes, you need time to heal from this experience. Also maybe to heal that deeper wound, where you believe that you are not lovable. It relates to this:

After my session my psych doesn’t believe it has to do with my inner child but rather a need for validation from a partner because otherwise it makes me feel unwanted and uncared for. Like something is wrong with me almost.

Yes, that’s one of the core wounds and core false beliefs, which is: “There is something inherently wrong with me. I am defective.” Many of us suffer from that wound, and it could be that you suffer from it too.

It still could be related to your inner child, because our inner child is usually activated and triggered in romantic relationships. The original wounding happened in the relationship with our parents or caretakers (although we might not even be aware of it). And then it gets activated in our second most important relationship: that with our romantic partner.

I know you said you are not aware of anything that might have been missing in your childhood. That you had a happy childhood. I don’t want to claim anything but I think that the fact that you are prone to addiction and daydreaming does show a certain wounding, which might have happened in your childhood or youth. But again, I don’t know, I don’t want to push any theories on you. You know yourself best.

What is important is to heal that wound. Where you believe there is something wrong with you, and that you need to prove the opposite to your partner. To prove that you’re worthy of their love – even if it means going against your own well-being and tolerating abuse.

You’ve mentioned the issue of trust several times. You said:

I completely trusted this girl probably nearly more than anyone. I trusted her like family

A while ago you mentioned something similar:

I trusted her completely again and it was broken again. It’s always the ones closest to you.

I hope you won’t mind me asking, but have you maybe experienced some kind of betrayal by someone close to you? Perhaps a family member?

Another conversation that I had with my psych was that I genuinely wanted to help her. Obviously I wanted to help her so we could have a healthy relationship but I came to the conclusion that even if she did heal but decided she didn’t want a relationship I believe I would’ve taken the break up a lot better. Basically she may have been a lot more rational and understanding while giving me proper closure and talking about things. It’s like she was too scared to talk to me because she would have to face that she was an issue and caused me a lot of distress with her abuse.

Yes, she refused to talk about herself and turned the tables on you. Even if sometimes she would tell you that she knows she is difficult to handle. But her fear of facing herself was stronger, it seems. And so she was defensive – she rather blamed you than looked into herself. And that’s what hurt you, and you even started believing that you are a bad person. Her refusal to take responsibility for her behavior hurt you quite a bit, because you took the blame a lot of the times.

It’s sad because I never actually got to see the real her only glimpses. But I feel like if my ex was healthier we would’ve been great together, unfortunately that isn’t reality and she may always be this way.

Yeah, I can imagine that there was compatibility in some areas, and that it could have been good together. But yes, right now she isn’t able to be in a healthy relationship. And she hasn’t shown any real interest in healing (in doing the work necessary for healing), so the question is if and when she’ll be ready for a healthy relationship.

It was a really good session today my psych gave me a lot of closure I was looking for. She makes me feel sane even though I know I am.

I am happy to hear that. Yeah, I can imagine you started to question yourself and perhaps even your sanity, since she was blaming you for her moods. She was basically telling you that you were not a good partner. And it hurt you a lot because you did your best.

I am glad that you are slowly realizing that you were a good partner, but she wasn’t able to appreciate that. And that she wasn’t willing to recognize that she was hurting you (I was abused and She wouldn’t want to believe that or hear it.)

I can see you’re more and more accepting of the situation, even though it’s hard for you. It will get better, with time. Just hang in there!

Hi Adam,

how are things? How have you been?

Hi Adam,

happy to hear you’re doing well! And that you even had a date – good for you! How did it go?

At the moment I am feeling a lack of purpose. I think it is related to not having a partner as well. I do want to have a wife and kids in the future and after speaking with my ex about these things it’s almost as I felt more of a purpose in life.

Right. Having a family is an important goal for you, and I think it’s like that for many people. You’re not alone in that. And since you’ve sorted out everything else (career, house), you’re ready to settle. So it’s totally okay if you’re on the lookout for a potential partner.

Only, try to pace yourself a little this time, because you said you tend to get attached too quickly and you start daydreaming about the future and perhaps not noticing that your partner isn’t sharing the same enthusiasm, or that some things aren’t really working in the relationship.

So what I am trying to say: it’s okay to look for a future wife, but make sure you don’t rush and don’t try to fit a girl into your dream scenario, if she is not on the same page with you and has different priorities.

I have been very busy at work and working out a lot. The house is the cleanest it’s ever been so in the end I think I am improving everyday however I am still smoking more than I’d like.

I am glad you’ve been keeping yourself busy with good stuff, such as cleaning the house and workout. You’d also need to have some enjoyment and fun, I guess, which would make you less inclined to smoke. When you’re gaming for example, do you also feel the need to smoke?

I am rooting for you, Adam, and am glad you’re feeling better. I myself am fine too, thank you for asking.

Hi Adam,

I am glad that I’m noticing the changes now. I honestly don’t think I would even want to ever connect with my ex again and that’s a thought I haven’t had before.

Wow, that’s amazing! I am happy that something in you shifted and you don’t feel that strong pull that you felt before. I am so glad!

I am trying to pace myself more, I still want to experiment and see other people so I am not putting all my eggs into one basket this time.

I will do my best not to rush, I don’t plan on jumping into anything this time. I rather delay it as long as possible but I don’t want to push people away either.

Good! Yeah, you don’t need to reject people, but try to make sure you’re on the same page regarding big issues such as marriage and kids. Also, can you be authentic around her, or you need to watch your every word because she gets offended easily etc. So all in all, is it someone who is mostly emotionally healthy, or is it another difficult, hard to please girl (the kind you were attracted to so far).

I look back now and realise why I felt so strongly for my ex and how we started was a big thing for me. She really did chase me at first and I liked that.

Well, then watch out with your new date, because she too is chasing you 🙂 No, just kidding. But do pay attention to the things I’ve mentioned above. Of course, you won’t be able to spot everything immediately, but over time. So perhaps don’t allow yourself to fall in love and start wearing rose colored glasses too soon, but be a little more observant, so that you can really see her for what she is, not how you would like her to be.

Yeh gaming and smoking go hand in hand usually. But at the moment I haven’t been gaming at all. Barely looked at a screen in the last month besides my phone, there’s just no desire.

Interesting. Perhaps something shifted there too, and you were more focused on working out and keeping your house clean (sort of productive activities), rather than fun/entertainment activities.

I think I relied on partners for something to do and a way to keep occupied also. I don’t feel motivated to even watch a movie by myself, for some reason it only feels special and enjoyable with someone for an example.

Yeah, it seems you need a romantic partner to do fun stuff together, it seems you don’t feel the motivation to do it alone. Because it’s not enjoyable. I can understand you. I think it’s because for you, the connection and bonding is what’s the most pleasurable in an activity. The activity itself can be fun, but it’s not very pleasurable if you have to do it alone. I get it, I too can be like that.

But at the same time, if you have trouble feeling good in your own company, and are often feeling bored, it can be a sign that you don’t have a good relationship with yourself. For example, that you have an inner voice that criticizes you, or that you’re reluctant to feel negative feelings so you stay on the surface and don’t know yourself deeply, or you believe you’re not good enough or interesting enough, and so spending time with yourself isn’t pleasant. Anyway, these are just examples of what can prevent us from feeling good and actually enjoying our own company. Perhaps some of this resonates with you?

Hi Adam,

you are most welcome!

I do still feel the pull at times but I’m getting better at noticing it.

good! Being aware of it does help a lot!

She is a nice girl our second date was good. I won’t be getting attached to her though as it’s hard after what I’ve been through on top of still accepting it. So far she seems a lot more relaxed than my ex. I’m not saying my ex was uptight or but I remember when we first met she was so full of energy. I loved it though and I’m trying to not compare people or situations to my ex but I also think it’s good because it may show me some red flags if they arise.

Yes, take it slow, and it’s not a problem if you stay alert for possible red flags. It’s a good sign that she is relaxed. Is she smoking weed though? (which would help her appear relaxed…)

A bit of it does resonate with me, I am critical and hard on myself. A lot of people say I am as well so I’m trying to be more gentle. I haven’t been very upset recently but as I am writing this I am a little bit, I do enjoy talking about it but it can also be difficult.

Yeah, if we’re critical of ourselves, having a lot of negative self-talk, we can’t really enjoy our own company. So that can be a reason why you don’t feel good on your own… Are you aware of the negative self-talk? If so, what does this critical voice say?

Hi Adam,

I understand that I’m not always going to good and bad days. Accepting this has helped a fair bit I think.

yes, I think acceptance is key: knowing that there will be hard days, but also that clouds will part and you’ll feel better. I am glad you’ve learned to accept that.

She does smoke but in general she seems a lot more reserved.

Sorry for asking, but does she suffer from mental health issues? I don’t want to poke, but considering that you were attracted to somewhat difficult girls, I think that too could be a red flag.

Her being reserved can be positive, if it means she is more independent and less clingy. Also, if she too has been burnt in relationship and doesn’t want to rush into a new one…

It’s more that I hold myself to a high standard, sometimes I just expect too much from myself I think. I need to tell myself more I’m doing a good job in general. I am trying to talk to myself positively and it does help.

Yeah, holding yourself to a high standard and not allowing yourself to make mistakes is usually a sign of perfectionism. Which is a symptom of feeling not good enough and believing that if we do things perfectly, then and only then are we worthy of love, for example. So yeah, try to think more positively and be less critical of yourself, even if you make mistakes. Because we’re human, it is in our nature (and totally acceptable) to make mistakes.