Dear Adam,

I am sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard to see someone you love suffer, and I think it is even harder when they reject your help and ask for space.

You said she is suffering from depression and has a lot of past trauma and insecurities, and it is no wonder that she is internally conflicted and cannot really sustain a healthy relationship. And she too has realized it, and has asked you to give her some space as she works on things alone, probably because she feels bad for not being able to meet your and her own expectations regarding the relationship.

You said you two were talking one day about a hopeful future together (Then after a couple months it went being a great night talking about kids, marriage and the future), but the very next day she said she had to leave and work on her healing alone. I think this shows how conflicted she is: on one hand she would like all those great things with you, but on the other her own emotional wounds and demons from the past don’t let her. That’s why she can’t promise that future to either herself or you. And she doesn’t want to give you false hopes either. That’s why I think she chose to leave – to be removed from the pressure to promise things either to herself or to you.

The thing is that we can’t save anybody. You can’t save her, you can only support her and encourage her. And it seems that right now she doesn’t want to be directly encouraged either, to be pushed, to be expected to see a therapist (I tried pushing her down the route of therapy but I know it is something you can’t force).

So the only thing you can do is support her from afar, to root for her, to keep her in your loving thoughts and prayers. To love her and have high hopes for her… but at the same time let go of any expectations. That’s hard, I know, but that’s the only way…

You said you yourself had experience with depression (I know how hard it is to deal with depression alone myself). So perhaps you can give her some tips on what to do, but without making it seem like pressuring her, like expecting her to change. What I think you’d need is to be there for her if she reaches out, to perhaps regularly send her loving thoughts and poems if she’s open to it, to hold the highest vision for her healing…. but not to pressure her to do anything. You’d need to learn to let go and trust in the best possible outcome….

I know she is lost and now I am too

I know it’s hard, but try not to tie your happiness to her happiness. Try to not sink into depression yourself. As much as you love her, you are a separate person. Try to stay positive and constructive, do what makes you happy, engage in hobbies, take care of yourself. You can also help her better (even if from afar) if you are taking better care of yourself. You can even choose to focus on your career at the moment and pursue some professional development, if it helps you worry less about her and your relationship.

I think it would help you if you had something positive to focus in your life, and if you worked on the goals you can accomplish and that you do have control over (vs focusing on her healing, which you don’t have control over). And of course, be supportive to the extent she is open to, with lots of hope but little pressure on her….

How does this sound?

Dear Adam,

you’re welcome.

I am not sure how to fully offer my help from afar as you mentioned above but I will be sending her a card and poem to just check in on her and let her know she has my complete support.

It’s a good plan to send her a card and a poem, letting her know you’re thinking about her and that she can count on you. You can tell her something similar to what you’ve expressed here: I just want her to know that I am here and I support her even if we aren’t together right now. I am only wanting her to know that I am here to help with her battle.

Should I wait for her to reach out first though? I feel like she may not for a very long time, I just don’t know how long I should wait either.

I don’t think you should wait till she reaches out, because that might indeed take a long while, and she might be uncertain as to how you would react. How have you reacted when she told you she needed space, btw?

She told me she wants to be here for me and still have her in her life but in the past I have always fought so she asked for space and time and wanted me to respect that.

I just want to show her I can be a friend and not just intimately as I know right now it won’t work with her past.

Does it mean she wants to stay friends with you, but not be romantically involved, as she has difficulty with that?

You said she told you at some point she thought you were “the one”, the same you felt about her (My girlfriend of about 9 months who I genuinely thought was the one, and told me she felt the same). But you also said:

She said she genuinely loved me and wished she was the one but didn’t see it working out, constantly torn between her heart and her head and that shebkept having feelings of leaving and it isn’t fair to keep going on like that just because she loved me.

When I read “torn between her heart and her head”, it sounds like she wanted to love you but her heart wasn’t fully in it. There can be two reasons for that. One is (which I assumed earlier) that she can’t love you properly because she doesn’t love herself either. Another reason could be that she can love you as a friend, but not as a lover, i.e. that something stands in the way of her being romantically attracted to you. I haven’t thought about this second option earlier, and it might not be true at all, but just wanted to check with you and make sure I am understanding the situation fully…

Hi Adam,

she has been in therapy years ago and she said she didn’t take anything from it and that it doesn’t help her.

What kind of therapy was she in? Usually CBT doesn’t work with sexual trauma. I think it’s better to have some kind of somatic therapy, where trauma is processed through the body as well. So perhaps the type of therapy, or the fact that she was still a teen back then, rendered the therapy inefficient?

I think she should start therapy again, specially if she wants to wean off antidepressants. I have no experience with antidepressants, but the experts say that the best results are obtained when using antidepressants in conjunction with therapy. I imagine therapy could support her while trying to wean off medication. She tried to do it on her own, and I guess it’s not surprising she found it very hard and impossible. So perhaps you could encourage her to try a different kind of therapy, which would finally work for her (and maybe even help her get off medications)?

It was something I could always bring her back from and she always new she was safe during it and told me that I did the right thing every time.

That’s great that you could calm her down and be a safe person for her, during one of those episodes.

She did take certain things the wrong way at first but again always realized I wasn’t trying to bring her down in the end. This was helped by me explaining to her my point of view and making it obvious as I could that I did actually love her.

Alright, so she was open to listening to your explanation and you managed to convince her (at least temporarily) that you love her. But the problem is that it only works for a while, until the next “trigger”, and then it starts all over again. That’s why I think she was tired of going through another cycle of being triggered and then you trying to reassure her – when she knows it doesn’t really help on the long run.

You are probably right as the key thing would be therapy in order to have a higher self esteem and overcome her trauma. That’s all I wanted for her to start feeling better in her own skin. I did have a feeling therapy may be the only way and that’s why I suggested professional help on several occasions.

Yes, it was a good suggestion, and as I said, you may try suggesting that she gives it another chance.

Regardless I just want her to know I am here for support during her journey, however that may be.

I will be sending a card and poem soon so wish me luck. I have kept it from being too heartfelt as I don’t want to push her over the edge.

Good luck with the card and the poem! I hope she responds positively and appreciates your words of support. It’s good you don’t intend this letter as the beginning of another cycle with her, because I imagine she is tired and disappointed in herself and doesn’t have strength for another cycle. That’s why it’s great that you included this in your letter: “This isn’t me asking for the relationship back only offering my support and assistance if you want it. You can count on me even though we aren’t together.“

So, I wish you luck and hope that she will start caring of herself better. And that perhaps you can be a part of her healing journey….

Hi Adam,

Yes she was doing cbt I believe. I will consider the somatic therapy suggestion, right now I think she needs to work through some stuff herself and me suggesting giving therapy another shot would best be done in person I believe.

Yes you’re right, you can suggest it with time…

She was doing well with her tapering

Hm you said in your earlier post that she found the tapering difficult: She is trying to taper off them slowly but was definitely finding it difficult. … I think she was disappointed in herself and not hopeful that she could actually get off the medication after being prescribed for a while.

So I guess she wasn’t that successful with tapering on her own? What actually occurred to me (and it may be a total nonsense since I am no expert), but could it be that since she was taking a smaller dose, her trauma response got stronger when she would get triggered? And also she couldn’t return so easily to that calmer state, where she was open to listening to your explanations and reassurance, and where you managed to convince her you do love her?

So perhaps the reduced medication lead her to be more agitated and less responsive to your reassurance? And that could be the reason why this time she wanted space?

So perhaps this could be the answer to your question: I still don’t fully understand why she pushed me away and didn’t want my help

As I said, I am no expert and don’t know how those medications work, but I am just thinking out loud.

I will post if I hear anything back either soon or in the future. I’m prepared for her to go cold and not respond but I think she will eventually reach back when she is comfortable and in a better spot. It wouldn’t make sense to me if she didn’t.

Yes, please let me know how and if she responded. It’s good you’re prepared for not getting an immediate response, for her really needing space at the moment.

And as we’ve talked before, try not to focus only on her, but on yourself too. I understand you love her and want the best for her, but you can’t “save” her against her will. So take good care of yourself and find something you enjoy.

And you’re very welcome, Adam. Wishing you all the best!