Lately I have been feeling extremely inadequate; like I haven’t lived a worthwhile life compared to other people. When people talk about the high school years where they were out and about doing things and having fun; I remember myself during those years hiding away in my home. I played video games, read books, watched movies, and thought a lot. But most of all, I listened to music, played music and obsessed over music. My favorite band was Metallica, and everyone picked on me at school for it. This caused me to start lying about the things I liked and did to make myself seem more interesting. I felt as if I became lost, and at what cost? I didn’t fit in any better. There were times where people would verbally tear me down and I would sit there quietly not saying a word, just eating my lunch. I imagined many scenarios where I would get up and attack those kids, push them to the ground, yell at them to shut up. But I never did. I don’t think I ever stood up for myself then. I never wanted to hurt anyone either though. I got bad grades in high school and I never understood my condition (ADHD). Back then I thought it just meant being hyper. Now, I have noticed all the symptoms. My mind goes wild with an overbearing amount of thoughts. But back to my high school years… I didn’t feel like my father was ever proud of me, and my mom–who developed a mental illness in my middle school years–had barely ever got back to normal. Music and video games were my escapes. I would play games and guitar while thinking about the way the world worked. But I think that the views I shaped were very wrong. And I’m not sure what I believe now, it’s hard to say because depression can make your thoughts all fuzzy. But I don’t want to be afraid of going anywhere. I don’t want to be afraid of trying new things. I don’t want to be motivated by fear. I want a higher self esteem. I have had a lot given to me as a child, but I feel guilty of having all those things. I feel like I didn’t deserve any of it. I envy those who say they have been through a lot, because for all the sadness I feel; I don’t feel like what I have been through should make me feel this sad. I have a passion for music, but lately I have given up on writing lyrics. I don’t feel as if they say enough. I wish they could speak miles, but I feel as if my words aren’t good enough. Other people have said my lyrics were really good, but I don’t know anymore… and please excuse me if I seem all over the place; my ADHD kind of makes it hard to stay on one topic.