Hi Katie,

I don’t mean to downplay what he did AT ALL!! But the good news: He was only 14. Use that.

When someone brings it up, the response should be, “That was so long ago!” One day it will be.

“He was such a baby, he JUST turned 14 and now he’s like a different person.” One day he will be.

Is the court case still going on? If so:

“We’re not supposed to talk about it while the court case is still going on, but you know that he’s not the only person who spread the film around. They’re actually the one’s in more trouble.”

By the time he’s in college he’ll be That Kid. He’ll be “Oh, I remember That Kid, he went to my brother’s HS!”

By the time he’s out of college it’ll be, “Wasn’t there This Kid who…?”

By the time he’s 30, only one creep will be around (or remember, or care) to point out, “Hey! Weren’t you that kid who…?”

By 40 literally no one will remember. Even the girl will forgive him because she’ll have a 14 year old son and he’ll look like such a baby that she can’t help but to forgive him.

Again, I’m not minimizing this AT ALL!! I’m just giving you strategies to get you through this. I would also have everyone in the family get rid of all social media. You really do want people to forget and have it all get hazy in their memories.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Inky.

Hi Again,

You need to reframe the story to anyone who asks/talks about it.

It wasn’t just your brother. It was a GROUP of boys. And the parents of the girl who just wants to forget about it has chosen your brother TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE of because it was his phone.

Here’s some context: In our town this kid got expelled for something outrageous. It’s only a few years later and I forget what it was. And in fact, I thought it was a different kid!!

Another context: One of my sons hung out with a bunch of kids. I HATED them. All of them were up to no good. Five years later one of the kids that I hated (HATED!) went up to me apologetically. He said, “I got my Eagle Scout merit badge, Mrs. Inky”. It was like a penance.

Instantly the kid was REDEEMED! Now I see him for the mature young adult he is than the kid who got my kid in trouble long ago.

Trust me, in a few years your brother can say, “Yeah, I really made a bonehead mistake and was the one that got in trouble for it.” If he joins the Scouts or a Youth Group people will know he is so much more than one stupid mistake. Make sure he gets in the paper for some charitable/awesome thing he does.

And as for you and your mother give the whole neighborhood a big dose of cognitive dissonance (a fancy term for making them think they’re crazy). Become MORE social. Hang out with friends that will still talk to you. Throw PARTIES at your house! Show your faces around town! Join clubs! Committees! If anyone gives your mother a hard time she should say, “It’s a shame about all those boys and my son got caught up in it. That poor girl.” Hold your heads up! The town will think that what happened wasn’t that big a deal (though unfortunate) and may even turn on the other family for drawing attention to it.

They are all running on rumors, remember. Your brother is under age, so none of this is really on public record. Every year change the facts. He was twelve. Another boy stole his phone. No, you’re thinking of ANOTHER kid with his last name. No, that was that OTHER kid that looks just like him. No, your brother was just the fall guy for the group. There was a party?

Hope this helps!

Inky