My Boyfriends Parents Give Me The Bad Vibe

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by Nance.

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May 25, 2015 at 7:05 pm #77243

Brittany
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Hello! Seeking advice!

I have been with my boyfriend for six years. I’d say in the first two years of being together, the family adored me and we simply got along. I would be invited to breakfast, dinner, family events, you name it!

After 2 years, my BF and I had to go to college. We moved to separate states and had a long distance, thus never really saw the family unless it was vacation. On our vacations we would come back together in our hometown and either stay at his family home or mine. His mom didn’t like the fact that we were suffering through long distance, especially in college. She would constantly try to convince us to break up and to explore other people. When she first brought this up, I was shocked. Did she really just mention we break up? I ignored it as just her being a crazy talker, but after that things have gotten worse and worse. To name a few:

1. Onetime randomly at family dinner she said “I do not feel comfortable around you both, anymore” and left the table for no reason.
2. She banned me from sleeping over at the house because she can’t stand it when I bring my dog.
3. The dad has stopped asking me questions, ignores any story I have to say and just doesn’t seem to care
4. The dad also has this thing about being in his house, using his water, eating his food; as if I suddenly started intruding.
5. The mom constantly tries to make us invite my bf’s brother wherever we go (dinner, movies, etc) He is 20 years old, no gf, but his mom thinks that he should be spending time with his brother. So we are constantly getting crap for not having invited him on our date.
6. She always intterupts us when we finally have alone time.
7. I know the mom and dad talk behind my back.

So for no apparent reason, I have become this ball and chain to my bf-according to the parents. Everytime i go over to his house i feel uneasy. Like I am being judged and i might be doing something wrong. They are so controlling towards my bf, that he always submits. We might have plans together and suddenly change due to family time (of course I go along but I dont want to)

SO you see, things are getting weird. It’s as if I am his sister in his house. Our romance dissapears as soon as I come over. I no longer sleep at his house (forcing him to stay at mine). I would love to move in together somewhere else but being recent grads its hard to afford. So we bounce from house to house everynight, I struggle with our alone time being interupted, the mom seems to act as if i am some puppet she can manipulate and forgets I am not her daughter, I do not feel the love I felt years ago.

The worst of it all is my boyfriend does not stand up for me. The last time I stood up for myself, the parents both acted like it was all in my head and I was in the wrong. My boyfriend never talks to them when I am away and never really tells them anything. It makes me mad because I feel it is not my place to tell them how to treat me but I also feel we should all feel accepted.

Am I suffocating their family time? Am I stealing their son away? What is going on in their minds?

What do you think!

May 25, 2015 at 9:05 pm #77254

m m
Participant

this sounds so horrible

but it also sounds like none of this is your boyfriends fault… i hope this does not sound harsh, but, if he is being treated by them this way, that abusive and controlling behavior will cause him to yield to them because that’s how abuse works.

what you want is 100% fair, and its good that you can see what is going on for what it is, but it seems like this is out of your control. it seems like the only way anything is going to be different is if A) he goes to family therapy with his parents and works things out with them somehow or B) you two figure out the financial means to move away somewhere together…

it is extremely unfortunate that his parents have become so pervasive that they are coming between your relationship. they are absolutely out of line, everything you have listed there.

i have to tell you though: you are not in the wrong in any way, as far as what i can deduce from what you have written. don’t let anybody let you think so.

May 26, 2015 at 5:04 am #77259
Inky
Participant
Brittany,

I had this too to a lesser degree. Beginning of Year One: “How wonderful our son has a girlfriend!” End of Year Two: “*mutter mutter* … that damn jeep!… *mutter mutter*” (Hey! I loved my jeep! LOL)

YES, they might think you are invading into their family time! I’m sorry, but that’s the first thing I picked up. If you are recent grads, he should eventually move.

YES, they wanted him to have the college experience. New people, new adventures and not tied SO much to friends of old. Still seeing the high-school GF is, well, amazing, a rarity, yet “old”, I guess. (Like, I wanted my sister to have several BFs before she got married. She married her first one, and, well.. it ended badly.)

YES, they thought it was cute and wonderful for their son to have his first girlfriend in high school. Believe it or not, we parents are relieved when members of the opposite sex thinks our child is attractive!

What You Do:

1. Don’t move in together. It will destroy whatever magic is left. Just … trust me on this one!

2. Make you arriving at his family’s house An Event, not a regular thing. This way they will miss you and appreciate you when you do make an exclusive appearance. For the rest of the summer, disappear for a while. See them at the Fourth of July. Then maybe once more this summer. Every 45 days. Every month and a half seems to be the magic number for keeping in touch, yet them not being sick of you.

3. Surprise them. Call the house. When the mom says, “Oh, let me get him” or “Try him on his cell phone” say, “Actually, I called to see if YOU wanted to go to the spa/Renaissance festival/get our nails done/go out to lunch”. AND/OR ask the mom for some advice. Real advice, they can tell if you’re pandering to them. Ask the dad for car/financial advice.

4. When you do come over bring over food. Preferably made by YOU or at least a gift box thing-y.

Yes, you may see the BF a little less, but get creative. Meet elsewhere aside from the parents’ house.

Good Luck,

Inky
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
May 26, 2015 at 5:21 am #77261

Inky
Participant

Edit to the second point: Did you kind of monopolize his family time while you were on college breaks? Could they resent you for that? Are you picking up on the “She’s… still around” vibe? … And rightly or wrongly, or fairly or unfairly, yes, I would worry if my child eventually marries the only/first person s/he’s ever had a relationship with. (Well, prove them wrong!!)

May 26, 2015 at 8:25 am #77281

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Brittany:
I love Inky’s advice (appreciate and enjoy your posts, inky!)

My feelings about your post is: I wouldn’t go into a home where I am not wanted. But that was not your question. You asked what is going on in his parents’ minds. I believe you got it and Pinky got it. But I am going back to answering a question you didn’t ask: should I spend time in their house? Should you???
anita

May 26, 2015 at 12:00 pm #77315

Nance
Participant

I was married to a man whose mother let me know, at every chance and in every way she could, that she BELIEVED she had not gained a daughter but rather lost a son.

As a result, my advice to every girl I know (AND my own self, too) is as follows:

NEVER marry someone whose family does not love you like one of their own.

How is it that your guy isn’t standing up for you, individually, AND for You, The Couple?????
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