Lately I’ve been really anxious and depressed because of my living situation and my social anxiety issues. i’m 20 years old and my boyfriend is 18. We’ve been together for almost 4 years. We’ve had a break once. It was a misunderstanding. I feel like I’m in love but clearly something is wrong.
My parents are unhealthy to live around, we’re poor, I haven’t gotten a job yet, neither my license and you guessed it.. no car.
on the other hand my boyfriend just graduated high school, he just got a bmw, he lives in a wealthy area with his granparents, and he recently got a job at a decent restaurant. He’s going places in life. I’ve been going through a lot lately with my depression and I guess I can say I take it out on him a lot, Im usually sad, I indirectly accuse him of cheating on me, I get kind of upset when he hangs out with his friends instead of me.. but I’m lonely, and sad and it sucks because we’re really close.
Anyway, I’m aware of how I’ve been and I apologize frequently. It must’ve gotten to him since he’s started working really hard and being stressed out.
I haven’t seen him in about 5 days. and barely have talked to him. he’s been at work a lot or with his friends.
I guess I’ve been texting him a lot and being clingy.
Today was terrible for me.
Let me mention that currently I have no cell phone service because we’re unable to afford it at the time, so I use a texting app that I can earn credits for calls.
He called me when I got home from school, and the app was acting up and it hung up on him. The second time he called me we talked for a little but he barely spoke, and then i didn’t hear him speak at all so I assumed it was the app I was using. I hung up, then texted him “I couldn’t hear you anymore” then I called him back 3 times, He wouldn’t answer..
Then I assumed he called me because he wanted to hang out, so I texted him and asked him if he wanted to hang out, then it took him about 40 minutes to reply and he said “no”
I asked him if he could answer the phone and he said
“I need space”
and I was like “oh okay, sorry”
then I freaked out and started crying so I sent “can you tell me what that means?”
and he said “It means stop”
then I went M.I.A I didn’t call or text him anything. I went straight to calling my friends. I told them what happened and they comforted me, etc. after that, I went M.I.A to them as well. I went on a 3 hour walk, and I took a 2 hour bath, and I cried and sulked. I started watching tv, then I couldn’t handle it anymore. I felt stupid just leaving it at his last text .
So I tried to go to the comfortspot so I could vent, but the site was down. I had an anxiety attack again, I felt like dying. I was crying and I’m still crying.
I then decided to text him and I said

“i understand, and i’ll be here. I respect your reasons”

then I logged out of the texting application, and put my phone on my desk while I lay in bed.

I’m really afraid that he’s going to end our relationship and I’m freaking out. I’m absolutely in love with this guy. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong besides be extremely emotional and depressed lately and I know i’ve accused him of nothing, but I’m going through an insecure time now.

The fact that I sent him something after he said he needed space makes me feel uneasy, because I basically disrespected that and sent him that last message. He probably sent a text breaking up with me. I had to log out to keep my sanity. I think it’s now making me even more insane.

I really need comforting and a helping hand. This is the one man I’ve truly loved over any relationship I’ve had. I’ve lost my virginity to this man. I’m just so scared.