My Boyfriend Is Withdrawn And Ignoring Me After His Divorce - How Do I Save Us?!

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This topic has 36 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 4 months ago by Li C.

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September 19, 2014 at 10:36 pm #65252

Jen A.
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@catdancing Wow I’m so sorry you had to go through that for so long. That sounds so incredibly painful and I’m very happy to know you came out of it a survivor and are in a better place! Fantastic!

Looking back, what do you believe is the real reason your ex or “the destroyer” got involved with you during his separation? Do you believe it was real love at some point or simply because he enjoyed “triangulation”? (still trying to fully understand this concept) – Also, why do you think, or what reasons did your ex give you for falling apart after the divorce?

In my case, I pushed and pushed and pushed my man to hurry up and get the divorce, earlier than he had planned to (he wanted to take a year and wait until his wife was completely over him and not in an emotional state for the sake of their son as she’s irrational and irate when she’s emotional and scary to deal with) – He ended up getting the divorce 6 months into our relationship, after 1 week of A LOT of pushing on my part (because after seeing signs, I was extremely worried she was plotting to take their son away from him and saw a need for him to not wait until she was unemotional at this point)

I feel now, he did it to make me happy and relieve my worries and I think I got him panicked too that she was plotting, but the truth is, I knew all along he wanted to make it an amicable divorce and wanted to wait til she moved on and wasn’t emotional………. I know now that he really wasn’t ready or prepared the wrath of her and the aftermath, including the unexpected grieving and feelings of failure which he’s still currently dealing with and it ultimately caused a storm of emotions when she signed, not only inside of him but because she was furious and completely cut him off, which tore him apart because she refused to ever see him again, even for the sake of their son and he ultimately couldn’t believe he allowed it to end like that and his son became very affected by his parents no longer having a friendship…… (a month later she started coming around again of course but only because she tried to get him back again…….. but has now accepted it’s over)

Wondering if your ex went through a grieving stage as well or if you believe he was really just a manipulative, psychopathic type described in the triangulation articles I’ve read and did it for pure pleasure? (Its so hard to believe people do that!)

Thanks again for sharing all your wisdom based on your real life story – it is all so valuable to me. Bless your heart.

September 23, 2014 at 6:42 pm #65442
Jen A.
Participant
Latest update:
So I found out the truth of why he withdrew……. and has since broken it off. The fight that we had and weeks leading up to it made him feel I was needy and pushy (pushing him to get the divorce) and when we fought I said some mean things to him that his now ex-wife said, that ultimately made him draw parallel to her and question our relationship and further himself as a man. He built up anger and resentment towards me and was no longer feeling attracted to me as a person and numb to the relationship at that time…….. so he just wanted out. Especially because he was grieving the divorce and I hit him with putting pressure on him and fighting with him, making him feel he wasn’t man enough, at the lowest point in his life.
So that was the real reason he wanted out….. though he still deeply loves me (so I’m being continually told by those close to him) he fell out of love with me and it was replaced by anger and resentment and he’s now needing to build himself up again and trying to get attention from other girls it seems……
However – since my apology letter to him (and his reply back) he has seemingly been reaching out in really small ways…… first by sending me a link to our fave movie, and it’s new trailer to the series…… second he’s been liking my photos on facebook (which he never did before and I used to jokingly bug him about it)…… it seems he likes photos immediately after guy friends write on my wall….almost as if he’s being territorial? (I don’t know…….. I don’t understand male behavior or males at all at this point lol) He also seems to be posting stuff to get my attention……not to make me jealous but just to get me to reach out, such as selfies of him being sick (I used to always worry about him when he was sick and want to take care of him) – his recent posts are out of character and friends believe he’s trying to get my attention.
Anyways – I think these are all good signs of him coming around, but I just don’t know what to do at this point? Do I keep waiting for him to come to me and actually send a real text……. do I start reaching out to see how he’s doing? Do I go on dates and make him feel like he’s losing me just a little (maybe a little jealousy is a good thing?)
I don’t understand the male withdrawing pattern when they are hurt….. but I get now more than ever it’s how men deal……. but can anybody tell me what may be going on with him at this point based on his recent behavioral change?
Thanks everyone for your continued support! xo<3
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Jen A..
May 23, 2015 at 12:58 am #77121

Stella
Participant

Jen.A – I have just read your entire thread and some parts of this feel like I could have written it. Please, tell me, how did your situation turn out??

August 1, 2015 at 6:40 am #80992

Zeddee
Participant

hi Jen A. Reading your thread here, i am very sorry that this happened to you and i am surprised at how common this type of situation is and i am one who is in the grieving stage myself. i would appreciate if you have the opportunity to make an update of your situation by now?
Best
Zeddee

August 2, 2015 at 5:30 am #81046

Natalie
Participant

I felt compelled to add to this thread, even though it is quite old now. Jen I hope you find your self in a much more peaceful place now. I am writing as the separated wife, I have separated from my husband, I drove the marriage towards it’s separation as this is where I know I need to be, We have 15 years of history and children. Over night he found someone new who he is saying is the love of his life, he has only known her since March, and she lives in a different county. We still have very intertwined lives, as separation at this level will take time. I hear so much and read so much from the other women, about the ‘ice Queen’ crazy stalker ex wife, during your thread Jen I didn’t hear how long he was married and whether he had children. Even though I chose to end my marriage I still very much loved my husband, even if I didn’t there is so much history to untangle it takes time. Separating was hard enough, to then find out he had hopped to another woman so incredibly soon was the worst heartbreak I have ever felt, it is like having your heart ripped to shreds and then stamped upon very cruelly, even if I do know his behaviour was about him not me. You find yourself doing crazy things you never thought you were capable of doing. I really can’t understand how people can do this and then call it love, unless they are incapable of truly loving, other wise it really has to be a rebound. Even if you have emotionally checked out of a marraige a long time before, you still lived together a shared a life. I am thinking due to my husbands trauma he doesn’t connect emotionally and his own needs come first always even though he is fantastic at dressing it up to blame others or make it all look rational.
I’m sorry you went through the pain you did, I guess I just wanted to write a little of my story, the other side too these stories, from the crazy stalker estranged wife who was for many years very in love with her husband.

December 17, 2016 at 6:00 pm #122948

Li C
Participant

Hey Jen, just wondering how’s everything with you and ur bf. Hope that everything is going well.
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