I honestly think it is time you gave him a little space to breathe. Going through a divorce, especially with a young child is very complicated and although this might sound harsh, maybe you were his “escape mechanism” while going through the difficult time. Of course it is possible that the two of you got along very well and you are obviously very much in love, but sometimes when we are in love we have to know when it’s time to give space and let the universe work some of its magic. Sometimes time apart can be healthy for a couple and he is probably working on himself and on the pain that he is probably going through with so many changes. That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually make it or work things out or talk. I suggest you let him be for a while and after some real soul searching and reflection and time on your own so that the both of you can mellow down and figure out what you really want, and then after ask him if it would be possible to meet personally and talk about possibly getting further involved.

I know how hard it is to be away from the person that we love and usually after creating a lot of expectations and hopes it makes things even harder than they really have to be, but unfortunately it sounds like a “time out” is in order for the two of you so that you can analyze the situation calmly and clearly to make sure you are making the right decisions as to the way you act upon the situation.

Wish you all the best, be patient and kind and no matter what happens, the experience will enrichen you as a person.

Jen,

Its very natural to be left breathless when we give gifts that aren’t acknowledged, but that actually comes from your side, your wanting to be important to him right now. He has lots of stuff on his plate, perhaps consider re-reading the previous advice (I think you missed some pieces, or the words didn’t come across) 🙂

From a different angle, consider how he is caught in some painful emotions, and while your gift was kind, your wish to have him respond favorably to you is unkind, selfish, wanting him to be in a place he isn’t. When I was speaking of postcards, I meant more like a postcard with no return address, like a text sent to him without the need for him to return it. Not a text like a hook, or a present with “oh god, I hope he likes the present and comes and showers me with love and affection and kisses”. This is why self nurturing is so important, because otherwise his lack of reciprocity inspires anger and distance in you as you wish and hope and plan and try to get him to reach back. Said differently, a present isn’t a present if it has a hook in it. When that’s the case, its just fishing. He needs space, and perhaps presents, but not hooks. 🙂

Self care helps us find stable ground so we can stop looking for others to reply in the way we want, giving us the space to accept the way they do. Said differently, I know you’re hurting, sister, and would love to be comforted by your loved one. He’s not available (and consider your pushing helped create the space between you two) and so rather than becoming depressed, desperate, grabbing, perhaps comfort yourself, turn away from the situation, and be kind to yourself. You have the strength, sister, I know it. But you have to try, take the steps. 🙂 Accepting he may never want to be with you again, or he may heal and find you in his heart. Its a mystery you have to live with, because if you try to solve it right now, it will resolve unfavorably (90% of the time).

Your obsession about when/how long before contact is understandable, but its not as important as you think. Rather, what is in your heart and mind when you contact him is the important bit. Laughing, happy, sharing? Or needy, demanding, angry? The former is attractive, the latter is repulsive. Said differently, if you have some other interests, consider tending those, doing other things. Him and what’s happening on his side is not a good hobby for you. So, what else do you like to do? Do you meditate? Yoga? Swim? Hang glide? Sew? There’s a lot more to Jen than just her boyfriend, ya know? Do that.

With warmth,
Matt

Jen,

Yes, that’s exactly right. Leaving the front porch light on isn’t very loving to yourself, as it leaves the mystery unsettled, bringing a natural discomforting powerlessness in “having to wait”. But your question wasn’t “how do I break up with him, grieve, and move on?”. So, to balance the unsolved mystery, consider being especially tender to yourself with extra self nurturing.

So, how long do you wait for him to heal? That’s between you and your heart. If you can be patient, he might come to his senses, see that your light is on, and find his way home. Maybe not, though. That’s between him and his heart. Love always requires patience, but it shouldn’t be an endurance trial. What’s the timeline like at this point for you? Do you want to wait? Do you wish to rephrase your question? Consider that self caring activities help us let go, so the mystery doesn’t pull our attention so heavily, doesn’t capture us.

With warmth,
Matt

Jen,

Thank you for the kind words, and it would be difficult to explain my profession, but I do write a lot. 🙂 Consider though, words are empty pointers, meaningless in and of themselves, and its the heart and mind of the reader that gives them meaning. Said differently, its not my love that makes the words shine, its yours. My love just moves me to hold up a mirror, offer what is seen in your dance. 🙂

The same is true of this “he is the love of my life” and “my man should fight for me if his love is true”, as though the world revolves around one another, as though your love is resting “out there” with him, and he is doing poorly with such a gift. This isn’t the case, your love is inside you, and has little to do with him. He perhaps helps inspire it, but he doesn’t own it, it doesn’t belong to him, it isn’t “there with him”, its where its always been… inside you.

Trying to go back makes sense, because in the past there were moments of security, peacefulness, awe and romance. Wanting him to quickly move through his grief, so you can have those feelings again also makes sense. But its also not kind to either of you to keep grabbing at it in such a way. He needs space to grow and figure out the man he is, and has such a full plate. Like a rubber band, wound tight, that he has to slowly cry and breathe and unwind and find silence and peace and so forth.

This might be stingy, but you’re going to have to accept that the past is dead, things have changed, that “kingdom of two” collapsed. For now or for good, depends on the choices your both make here and now. Its unknown. So while it may seem reasonable to harness all that desire to go back to what it once was, its actually desire that does nothing. Restless spinning. Insecurity, a feeling of “lost home” that perhaps pushes you to grab toward him, hoping for him to rekindle your porch light. But that just doesn’t usually work, and at the very least, leaves you vulnerable to an inordinate amount of pain.

Consider this in metaphor. Intimacy is like a bridge that crosses between beings, over waters of space and time. It requires a stable ground to remain steadfast, like a solid footing into the mutual dream that keeps romance flowing. It sounds like when the divorce happened, his land became flooded, a whole mess of emotional water that he held back, avoided, came pouring into his land. This saturated the soil, houses crumbling, bridge collapsing, and a whole lot of mess and stink is bubbling up for him. Trying to rebuild a bridge does nothing good right now, the land too saturated with water, too swampy for anything real to become built. This isn’t permanent, for the sun will shine, the waters will recede, and his soil will find its balance, its strength. But it takes time.

As you try to rebuild a bridge, it just produces more rubble, more junk for him to clean out. The flood was perhaps caused by his sacrificing of his desire to meet the expectations of women. You, his ex-wife, his mom, telling him to be this or that, pushing and prodding and poking. Instead of telling all y’all to back away, shut up, leave him alone to sort out what he wanted, he repressed it, hid, did your bidding. Just a guess, I don’t know him of course.

This is perhaps why I keep feeling moved to steer you away from this restless grasping at him and his side, wanting him to give you back the home you once had. You’re your own home, hold your own love, have your own swampy ground to tend more delicately. Said differently, dropping the metaphor, perhaps through tender self nurturing, you can discover and uproot the causes that lead you to push and prod and poke and demand. I think it has something to do with you deciding he is the source of your love, and so reaching for your own stability, your warm affection, trying to create a sense of home within your own heart, keeps looking like you somehow “need” him to give you happiness. So, of course you’d be angry if he stops you from coming home, refuses or ignores your cry… but he doesn’t have your happiness, isn’t its keeper or muse. That’s perhaps just you, grabbing at him for something that’s been inside you all along.

With warmth,
Matt