Dear helpwithlove:

In my first reply to you I didn’t pay attention to the fact that your boyfriend had sex with another woman after the two of you broke up, so he didn’t cheat on you. The question in my mind: is it right for him, now that he is back with you, to be friends with the woman he had sex with?

Assuming that (1) you are and have been faithful to him throughout the exclusive part of the relationship, (2) that you are not friends with men you had sex with in the past, particularly in the recent past, (3) that you are very hurt and very distressed about his friendship and that he was made aware of it, then I’d say that it is wrong for him to be friends with her, primarily because it hurts and distresses you.

“He says he will not stop talking to her because they are friends but he only love me“- doesn’t he love you enough to not hurt and distress you unnecessarily?

“What should I do?“- do something (better than doing nothing and suffering silently day after day, night after night): either ask him that the three of you meet and talk about the situation, and/ or let him know that it is his friendship with her or his relationship with you and then follow through.

Your screen name is help with love:  I am thinking that the help you need is not with his love but with his selfishness perhaps. Do you think so?

anita

hi I thought I would come and share my story….

Back story….. me & partner have been together 13 years next month.

In 2022 my feelings changed we never went on dates I was distant didn’t want to be touched I can describe exactly how I was feeling I was sick of the relationship in all honesty I think life children money bills the stresses… due to my upbringing I never talked showed emotions or wanted to communicate. I decided to end the relationship he was heartbroken… I suggested time apart to try and get that spark back (we was still living together) so started to try again nothing really changed…. he moved back to his parents…. came and saw our daughters and took them for days when he wasn’t working…. we was still sleeping together him staying etc… we did start to go for days out and I felt my feelings changing towards him again me not communicating he wasn’t to know…. I did make it look like I was out having fun getting dressed up since loosing weight i felt good…. I was on dating sites and talking to men but I never went on a date or met up with anyone nothing felt right and I suppose I just enjoyed the attention….. so I kept messaging my partner suggesting nights away a date just us and never really got a reply always avoided it…. so summer last year middle of July 2024 I stayed at his parents we obviously slept together…. so fast forward to September 2024 the 8th he picked our girls up for a few days as I was going to a festival… for a few weeks prior I had that intuition of he’s acting happier and was very distant…. so after messaging a few days prior once he got back to his parents I received a lengthy pre wrote message….. I started to read it and my heart sank I cried… he said his feelings had changed towards me something he thought that would never happen… he tried for months and months and nothing I honestly can’t remember the full message but it shocked me… my reaction was who is she? Anyway this went back and forth I feel gutted I kinda knew there must of something or someone for him to send that message….. so I think this finally jolted me into telling him I loved him wanted him and nobody else… to my surprise he said he’s waited a long time to hear me say those words and felt happy…. so texting etc saying we loved each other and the message he sent was to try and get a reaction out of me he was fairly quiet over the weekend while i was way still texting but i felt something was off…. I came home from my weekend away I walked in and within seconds he said can we talk…. sat down… and my worse fears came true right there and then…. ” iv been seeing someone else” to say I felt my heart break would be an understatement I burst out crying and sobbed…. immediately I asked… have you slept with her… yes 3 times a woman from work… use condoms? Yes. I chucked him out I couldn’t believe what I was hearing I was shaking gagging thinking I was dying iv never felt pain like it…. he said in his car… I was angry hurt sobbing I ran outside told him I wanted answers….. so me sobbing uncontrollably in disbelief totally shock…. he said 3 times a woman from work etc…. that whole night is a blur… so after talking all night I mean till the birds come up I had to make a choice… and people will say you wasnt together I get that I do…. but the night I stayed at his parents and slept with him he still made that choice to go that woman…. anyway so he swore and promise it was 3 times and used condoms…. few weeks later…. he finally admitted it was 6 times, no condoms, this woman came on to him and saw this as an opportunity to try and get over me… more details come out… he got her flowers one time like a knife to the heart…. he said he thought doing things like that would help speed the process up on getting over me…. he worked with this woman and went to hers after their night shift and said he fell asleep twice accidentally, they went for coffee…and had a McDonald’s one time…. he said he never wanted to date this woman, didn’t really find her attractive, it was literally to try and get over me… he said he thought the first time he would it didn’t he kept thinking he would…. this lasted 3 weeks of sleeping with her so 6 times over 3 weeks but altogether roughly 6 weeks with texting.

He said he never wanted to date her or he was moving on, she had a child and that’s something he didn’t want he said that was just 1 of the many reasons it wasn’t anything more than what it was…. I said his actions and what you have told me suggests it was clearly more… like flowers… why that hurt me so much I don’t know but he said he was just being nice thinking if he did things like that for someone not me then he would get over me….. he said he felt nothing for her no feelings didn’t want a relationship with her… and that good old line I thought of you and said that’s the truth 🙄

He is very very remorseful in what he did and how he went about it and kinda going behind my back and not telling me… and it kills him knowing how he’s hurt me and I now question everything.

This was 9 months ago and although we are in love plan to marry and better than ever….. I find myself crying daily over how he could even do it once never mind the 6 times…. my brain says it more he’s lying, how can he not catch feelings after 6 times, how can he not think about her? My brain is like he got excited receiving messages from her and the pictures, how he felt afterwards, how long did it last, what positions did he do, did he last long…. why my brain is against me I don’t know…. we are happy so why can’t I forget it like he has? Can someone really just forget someone they have had sex with 6 times and did those little things with them.

My question is because I’m begging for someone to help me…. I’m a totally mess I’m not the woman I was… every woman I see I think does he like her was she like that does anything remind him of her…. he says even when I try and talk about it he never once thinks about it her anything never has and never will.

I take full responsibility on how I treated him and I feel terrible I hurt him but this is another level…. has anyone been in something similar and can suggest anything to help me wipe it from my brain 😭😭😭

Thank you to anyone who has listened and I appreciate your time