Thank you Anita I will do that.

I’m not speaking to my sister at the moment because I told her about the blocking issue and I wanted to wait to hear him out before I took any action. She flew off the handle to my horror. She screamed at me “Why would you do that? He does not want you? Stop chasing him! Block him and be done with him. Anyway do not talk to me about him anymore!” I was so hurt because she is my only sister and I expected to get a little empathy from her.

So I will not be talking to her about this anymore. I will come here instead.

Hi Anita/Gia

This May sound silly. But remember how I said my bf never has time for me and I was thinking about breaking up with him? Instead I just took a few steps back and gave him space. 2 days went by and I didn’t hear from him. When he did reach out it felt great and we talked. Another day went by without contact. Since then he’s been attentive to me. Calling me every morning. He said he knows he hasn’t been what I wanted but he will do his best to be the best for me ?. Meaning making time for us. It’s been a week and he is still attentive to my needs  I told him I love this version of him. Now here’s the crazy part  I’m suspicious of his change in behavior. Like really dude “what happened “ I didn’t ask him but I’m finding it hard to relax and just enjoy the attention he’s giving me.

He’s even started talking about getting married ?. We are from different religious backgrounds and different races as well. He brought that up and how he feels we should manage it in our relationship and if we have children we should celebrate both sides of our religion and culture.

ok  so I’m like where is my bf? What have you done to him?

What do you all think?

Hi Anita

you are right. I don’t trust men in general. My dad was a good dad but a horrible husband to my mother. They separated after 44 years of marriage. Then in my own personal relationships with men. My last bf cheated on me the entire time we were together. He lied a lot too. To be honest my gutt feeling tells me I can trust my bf, but it’s a struggle because of my past experience with men.

I asked him yesterday what inspired him to change. He said we love each other so he thought about it for a while and said that this is the only thing I ask of him. Besides I am attentive to him so he can do the same for me. I feel good about his response, because he came to that conclusion himself. He wasn’t forced or pressured by me. He just did it. He has opened up to me and shared a lot of intimate things about himself that I didn’t know.

I have learnt something. A lot of my behavior initially in the relationship was driven by fear. So I don’t think I was pleasant to be around. So last week I stopped worrying about what my bf is doing or not doing. I joined a gym. Started working out. I removed focus from him and started focusing on myself. Just simply living in the moment and taking things the way they come. By doing this I was able to just be and let go of the fear and anxiety.  I have tried this before but it never really worked because I was doing it to get a specific outcome or a certain behavior from my bf. This time it’s for me. The outcome doesn’t matter. So the anxiety and fear is no longer there. 🙂

also my bfs workload has diminished because he was able to hire someone to assist him.

Hi Gia

Thank you for the comment. I am a work in process 🙂

Hi Anita

When I was married, I was married to a man that I trusted 100%. He was nothing like my father. But there was this thing I always felt he was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. The marriage ended and we spent the last decade or so co parenting our children together.

I believe where my childhood wounds reared it’s head was when I met my ex bf. He reminded me so much of my father. For some reason that didn’t deter me from dating him. It was one traumatic relationship. Prior to him I had never been in a relationship with a man that cheated on me. The sad part is I knew he was doing it and I just acted like I didn’t know. Which is what my mother did with my father. I finally decided to walk away when the evidence just came to me and when I confronted him he acted like so what? You are here and she’s there so why are you worried about what am doing with her. In that moment I knew it was time for me to walk away. Which I did. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done.

The last 5 yrs after that breakup I had a general distrust for men and just assumed that they all cheat. Until I went into therapy and realized that the friends I had were all in very unhealthy marriages with cheating spouses and all. I decided it was time for me to break away from those relationships. In the 5 years 3 of my siblings got married and started families. I can say that my brothers are wonderful husbands to their wives and my brother in law adores my sister. I realized that it is possible to be in a relationship with someone that will be faithful to me. Looking at my siblings relationships with their spouses I realized that it’s better to wait for the right person for you. It’s like they were meant to be together.

I realize that it’s a process to overcome this. I’m still in therapy.  The first step is me being aware of it. I told my bf of the trust issues I have because of my past bruises and he has been very patient dealing with my “crazy”. He has given me everything to make me trust him other than passwords to his accounts which I don’t think it’s necessary because he hasn’t given me any reason not to trust him.

Just like John said I am really working on realizing that my bf is not my ex. Everything about him is NOTHING like my ex. And has you’ve pointed out I need to observe him overtime which requires a lot of patience. I’m really looking forward to him coming back for good so we can continue to grow our relationship.