I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for a year now. We are a very classic anxious/avoidant couple. Despite all that entails, we are pretty strong. He exhibits a lot of his avoidant tendencies in joking, I express my anxiousness in crying. It’s how I exhibit any emotion. Sad? We spend generally 4-5 days together a week, which is a feat considering I am a teacher and he works nights plus every other weekend.

We have gone on vacations, he’s met my family a few times, and I have met his brother a few times who has come in to town. We haven’t told each other that we love one another, and it really feels like something that I can wait for his speed and comfort on.

He has broken down his mental health (he falls in to these depressive spells every once in a while, it greatly affects his mood and output), and we’ve made plans around them that he has followed and talked about how it progresses for him. It’s hard for me when he is in one of these ruts, because I crave that constant reassurance of his presence and connection when he is focusing on himself.

We’ve had instances where I have said anxious things and he has said avoidant things. He’s had to call me out on being confident in our relationship rather than my low confidence, and it helps. We’ve had other situations where he has shut down and I’ve had to be the voice- I really, really value communicating clearly and this is something we have discussed-the last instance, he thanked me for how I handled the situation and said he isn’t used to dating someone as mature as me.

My current concern is as follows:

Two weeks ago, he expressed that he wanted to spend his next upcoming weekend off alone. I told him that I appreciate him voicing what he needs (and I really do-he works a lot, and it makes sense to me that as an introverted person, he would like to hole up in his apartment and sleep for just one weekend). He asked if I was responding sarcastically, but I wasn’t and we moved right along.

Move forward to the next week, and he says on two weekdays (we usually spend 2-3 a week together) that he doesn’t know if we will hang out those nights, maybe he will sleep alone. But at the same instances, he lets me know that I can come over if I want and reminds me that I have a key, and the second one he showed up at my place.

The second one (Thursday) he got annoyed over something completely asinine (literally over my dog causing an inconvenience, he likes my dogs 99% of the times) for like 10 minutes and said he was heading home, then I said can you stay so you aren’t leaving on weird terms, and he went and sat on my couch. Over the course of 10 minutes, I watched him pull out of his funk and act normal. He ended up staying the evening as he didn’t have to be at work.

This Thursday led in to his weekend for alone time. I made a few plans for the weekend, and my BF was his normal consistent communication AND we ended up spending each night together still at his prompting. We were our normal communicative selves, and he even brought up the idea of buying a house together (we’ve been throwing it around as a future thing, one popped up that we both really love.) We spent all day Sunday together, and he stayed the evening and was at my house Monday while I was at work (again, totally typical).

Then this week, on Wednesday, I said I would see him the next day (today) and he said ‘maybe, maybe not.’ Continued communication as usual after.

Okay. So. Everything is still being communicated in our normal ways, he gave a me a very meaningful birthday gift in September, he is showing up even when he’s voicing that he needs this alone time in the last two weeks, and he’s even starting to discuss serious things like buying a home together. I’m past my anxiousness about whether he likes me or what we are, but I am not understanding what he needs with saying all of these things about ‘alone’–it’s making me feel unwanted or like I am not welcome. I have asked about it, and he has said he is tired from work and just wants to sleep, but I’m just starting to get confused. I am used to our normal schedule and I feel so thrown off about what it means. I thought I was doing really well with my feelings of anxiety and insecurity, but it’s like they’ve all bubbled right back up, manifested in new ways.

• This topic was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Missyrap.