Moving forward then dragged back - Attachment or Love?

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This topic has 16 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.

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November 8, 2016 at 4:06 am #119899

Helpless
Participant

Hi everyone,
I’m in a dilemma where I feel I’m pulling myself backwards each time I want to move forward. I was with my partner for around 6 years, during this time we had our up’s and down’s, he did not directly cheat from my knowledge but was speaking to other girls instigating he was single and flirting (sometimes even sexual conversations). I put up with it because I thought it was tough times and we would get through it. I have never cheated or looked at another person but towards the end of the relationship I was getting assussed of this as well. I can say at least once every year there was some problem due to speaking to other girls and flirting that would come out, not by him telling me but by me finding out. We broke up last year and moved back to our home towns as we were living together for 4 years. We initially broke up due to issues with families and not cheating. Within a few months he had moved on and told me to stay away which I did but he kept coming back and saying he realized and family issues were resolved. This happened and he went back between me and other girls and one in particular. It’s happened again and he called it off because of my issues and insecurities and said enough. We were planning to do our engagement soon and now its all fallen through again. He proved he was serious alot this time and done everything possible to give me security but I would not acknowledge it because of my fears. In the process of protecting myself I pushed him away. He asked for the chance and I gave and now situations are turned I can’t get it and have tried contact but getting ignored. I’ve made it sound like everything in the relationship was wrong with him but I did have my faults too but why is it so hard to move forward. He’s been through alot on life and I think we’ve both mentally ruined each other now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if its the fear of a long relationship ending but we both do love each other and I know his decision is based on anger. Don’t know where to move forward to and feel so stupid! Tried to stop myself getting hurt again and I did..now a year later I’m in the same position as when we broke up first. Any help or experience would be helpful.

November 8, 2016 at 5:20 am #119901

Inky
Participant

Hi helpless,

Ancient wisdom (what our grandmother would tell us) is this:

Men are the best behaved BEFORE marriage.

Here he is chatting up other girls, waffling, etc.

Could you imagine living with that, and worse, for the rest of your life (assuming the marriage lasts)?

You grew up together! Or rather, you grew up. He didn’t.

Cast him loose and catch a mature fish. He’s too small.

Blessings,

Inky

November 8, 2016 at 6:11 am #119904

Helpless
Participant

Thank you Inky. I think i’m so blinded that its helpful to see the picture from the outside. I find it so unfair how he can drop and pick this relationship as he pleases and I let him which is my fault. He used to be so nice and caring and this last time we tried he did make me so happy but can change his mind within a day. Hes very pride driven so doing this after marriage would be a insult on his family but even if he was to change after marriage there is no guarantee. That is not right before or after marriage and the worst thing is I know this but still let myself forgive him thinking he’ll change. Now I wake up in the morning crying and during the night looking at my phone to see if i’ve receive a message or call. I’ve gone down lengths so changing number and he’s cut off all social media but he always finds a way to get back to me because he knows he can. One minute I feel fine and let myself feel these emotions and next I am wrecked and just want him. I thought it would get better but it isn’t. Everyone that knows us says he does love me and we are meant for each other but I think I deserve better and now don’t know how to move forward. I suppose to fear of him moving on and me being alone also doesn’t help as he done this. 🙁 I must sound so silly!

November 8, 2016 at 6:47 am #119910

Isabelle
Participant

Hi Helpless,

As hard as it might be I think you should just move on from him and let him go. Of course this is going to be hard since he was a part of your life for so many years and you got used to him. It is better to be alone than in the wrong company. I am talking to you from my own experience as about 10 years ago I was in a similar situation except I found out in the end that he DID cheat on me. If you are so stressed and feel so insecure with him then he is clearly not the right one for you. You said it yourself that you have mentally ruined each other that sounds like a toxic relationship.If he really loved and respected you he would not feel to the need to be speaking with other girls it sounds like he is just manipulating your feelings and playing with your mind. He wants to run around with other girls but wants to make sure he can keep you near as a “back up” just in case it does not workout with the other girls.He WANTS you to feel guilty and make you believe it is all your fault if things didn’t work out.

When I found out my ex was cheating I immediately cut ties with him but had to change my number because he was still calling me even though he was with the other girl. It was SUPER hard because despite all he had done I was still very much in love with him. But it was also the best thing I could have done for myself it allowed me to eventually move on and heal myself of course all of this took a lot of pain and time but I got there. Now 7 years later, I am with an amazing man who truly loves me I can tell you that being with the right person you do not feel stressed or scared you might still have insecurities because of past experiences but they have a way of appeasing it. If he is ignoring you now then it might be a good place/time for you to start moving on. Be strong and realize that you deserve better.

November 8, 2016 at 6:53 am #119911

Anonymous
Guest

Dear helpless:

You asked: “Attachment of Love?”- I say: attachment is love. The first love a child feels is for the parent taking care of the child. Animals feel it too, a fawn, a baby deer, follows her mother motivated by that attachment-feeling.

The question: is the object of your attachment good for you or bad for you? Back to the child: the young child feels attachment to the parent whether it is a good parent or a bad parent. So it is possible, from the very beginning, to feel attachment to a person that is bad for us.

Back to you: is this object of your attachment good for you or bad for you, considering the six years with him?

anita

November 8, 2016 at 7:00 am #119914

Helpless
Participant

Isabelle, What you have said is right. This is my issue is I know this however can’t help feeling like I need him and am making a mistake, is that normal? The worse thing is seeing him happy with someone else when I’m struggling. Of course I sound jealous and suppose I am but I suppose us all on here are not asking for more than just stability and happiness. I don’t feel like i’ve got closure and understand things sometimes need to end without closure, but when he was hurting and begging for a chance I didn’t have it in me to be cold, it hurts because I’ve asked for a chance to resolve these insecurities but he’s being cold.

Anita, This is where I am helpless and confused. From outside this attachment is bad however within me I was so fixated on making this work I felt it was good for me, as he cared for me and protected me and I thought this is what is important.

November 8, 2016 at 7:27 am #119918

Anonymous
Guest

Dear helpless:

It is confusing: what we feel does not necessarily mean it is true. It FEELS like he is good for you, but it doesn’t mean that he is. Again, a child will feel like a parent is good even when the parent is cruel to the child. A cake feels like it is good to eat (one salivates and wants it) for a diabetic, but it is not.

To get clarity from confusion, we have to think with Logic AND Emotions, both. What your emotion is telling me is that you have a need to be loved, to be “cared for me and protected.” It felt so good to you when you were cared for and protected by him because you have a deep need to be cared for and protected.

What my Logic is telling me is that he at times cared for you and protected you but he also hurt you repeatedly and is not trustworthy. You wrote in your original post: “at least once every year there was some problem due to speaking to other girls and flirting that would come out, not by him telling me but by me finding out.”- so him flirting with other women happened repeatedly and it is you who found out. Every time you found out he knew that his behavior has hurt you. Yet he kept doing it. He didn’t try to stop by going to therapy or confessing to you that he has this need and has done it again.

So, I figure: you have this need to be cared for and protected. He satisfied this need at times and at other times he has HURT you. Now who is going to protect you (you do need protection) from him hurting you?

You!

anita

November 8, 2016 at 8:08 am #119921

Helpless
Participant

@anita

Thank you for those wise words. Enough is enough but I feel like this now and tomorrow morning will be down. When we tried to resolve it this time he did say he would go relationship counselling however funds meant we could not do it. As said before I acknowledge this has mentally effected me to the point where being alone scares me. I feel like i need that protection and someone to talk to and everything positive that comes with relationships. I went from being independent and strong to feeling the need of someone. No one will protect me apart from myself and its sad to see this end but it does seem like its best to end it than to save it..

November 8, 2016 at 8:28 am #119923

Anonymous
Guest

Dear helpless:

When you do feel down again tomorrow morning, or later today, or maybe you are feeling it right now- when you do, what is the message behind that down-feeling? Is the message: I must reconnect with him-

or is the message: I feel so sad, scared and alone. I need comfort and help. Where will I find the comfort and help I need? Perhaps I will post on tiny Buddha. Perhaps I can attend a self help group, in person. Perhaps a long walk outside will comfort me, maybe a hot bath.

Examine the valid, true message behind what you feel. Also: learn to tolerate, to endure distress, like sad and scared without automatically reacting to it. Do not reach out to what seems like the fast and easy solution. See the bigger picture (while on a long walk or in a hot bath, that is, while you are relaxed) and aim at the solution that will make you feel good in the long run, later, not just for a moment or a day.

anita

November 8, 2016 at 12:36 pm #119943

Isabelle
Participant

I am quoting what you said ” he was hurting and begging for a chance I didn’t have it in me to be cold, it hurts because I’ve asked for a chance to resolve these insecurities but he’s being cold.” Just that should give you a glimpse of what your future would be like if you DID marry he would take from you what HE needs but will not give it back when YOU need it in return, he would continue to manipulate you and make you guilty all the time.

The way you are feeling is absolutely normal, he was a part of your life for 6 years it is normal to feel that you are making a mistake and that you need him in your life. I know you are not there yet and have a long road of healing ahead of you but one day you WILL get to the end of that road and realize how much better your life is without him, you will feel so strong and proud of yourself just because you made it through the pain and you didn’t let him drag you down. And one day when you are ready to open your heart to someone else again there is a good chance that the right person will come into your life you will see what a difference it makes to be with someone who truly loves you.

I know it hurts for you to think that he is happy with someone else but just realize that in time, there is a good chance that he will do the exact same thing to her and the fact that he still needs to keep you there so to speak shows that he is clearly not that happy with her either. You might feel jealous of her now which is also completely normal but one day once you are healed in the back of your mind, you might actually find yourself thanking her for getting him out of your life and in a way you might start to feel sympathy/empathy for her since chances are she will endure the same things you did with him.

November 10, 2016 at 2:14 am #120040
Helpless
Participant
@anita The message isn’t clear to me right now but I know if I stick it out it will be. I do think I have personal issues from this as I have spent so long with someone I am scared of being alone but I know there is joy in being alone too. It’s just getting through this initial raw pain.

@Isabelle-a That’s what is keeping me going that he is being this way. He got what he needed but will not give the same back in return. I wouldn’t want him to do what he did to me to another person as it is soul crushing but all I’ve wanted from his is commitment and love and the thought that someone else is what hurts. But it is what it is.

Writing on here has helped express my feelings and I know time is the best healer. Reading the replies has given me that realization and push. I need to acknowledge I cannot rush this and need to feel low but then good at times. Thank you all.
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Helpless.
November 10, 2016 at 7:22 am #120055

Anonymous
Guest

Dear helpless:

I re-read your posts. You wrote that you need to be protected, and it occurred to me that I didn’t ask you a simple question: protection from what or from whom?

I am thinking that if you feel that your ex did protect you from something and that protection is with him, no wonder you can’t move forward, leaving him behind.

And what if there never was real protection with him?

anita

November 10, 2016 at 8:48 am #120058

Helpless
Participant

@anita It wasn’t being protected from a certain thing as such but more having someone that cared if I was okay and how my health was and am I happy, protection in that sense. Upset if anyone made me upset and protective over my happiness. Having someone to look after me and look after too if that makes sense?

November 10, 2016 at 8:58 am #120059

Anonymous
Guest

Dear helpless:

I am thinking-as-I-type: if someone cares if you are okay or not and if you are healthy or not, that means, that person will do something if you are not okay and or not healthy. That person will help you be okay and healthy. So that person will protect you from distress and sickness… in that sense, I see the protection element.

“Having someone to look after me”- and care if you fall or if someone attacks you, so to help you get up (if you fall) or fight the attacker…

Is that what you mean and did your ex protect you that way- when you felt not okay, did he make you okay?

anita

November 10, 2016 at 10:15 am #120068

Helpless
Participant

@anita yes! whenever I felt down or anything happened he made me feel a lot better..he did make sure I was okay and picked me up but the moment he turned cold it was completely cold
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