Hi,
I feel torn about the issue related to my platonic relationship. We’ve known each other for more than a year, but never met in person. There is some distance between our countries, but not so much, that it could be a real obstacle to meet each other. He kept offering to meet a couple of times, and then delaying. But from the beginning, I am the one, who has cared and pushed more about a meeting in person. He used to have some not-so-convincing excuses to delay our meeting – like that he miscalculated his vacation days at work, and he ran out of them. Despite contact being limited to online, we got very close, and I learned that delaying is related to the fears of rejection he has had.

We understand and “feel” each other very well; we enjoy online contact, and I would like to maintain it, even if it never goes to the stage of real-life meetings.

Recently, he told me, he has had some issues at the workplace. He has felt very bad, as his work atmosphere has been unfriendly. He also hasn’t found new friends in a country he moved to and lives in, and now he told me he has been thinking of moving out.

Not only that, but he said he has been thinking about relocating to my country. I was a bit skeptical, because we had never seen each other, and that sounded unrealistically like he would be ready to make such a big step to move to my country, or even my city. Also, I know him well enough to know that he often changes his mind. But he became very enthusiastic about it, and I was touched by his enthusiasm, and we got carried away by dreams about living in the same city.

Also, to add more context, he has more friends in my country, is fascinated by the culture of my country, and learns my language. His feelings toward me and sentiment toward my country were known to me before, and we talked about the future before, so I wasn’t entirely surprised by this idea. I had reasons to believe that his despair about workplace issues was just a factor that accelerated his relocation, but ultimately he wants to move to live close to me.

I started helping by giving advice on the organization of such relocation and job searching. We agreed that we are going to meet in the next few days for a weekend, so that he can come to meet me in person and see my country and decide, if relocation there is good for him.

But after one of our conversations, I felt that he got distant and backtracked a bit, and, indeed, the next day he said he had started to look for a new job in other countries, too. He emphasized that it doesn’t change our plan to meet, and my country is still one of the options he considers.

I felt a bit let down and said that I would pause my involvement in helping with organizing his relocation, until he knew for sure if he came. I thought that would be unfair if I put in the effort, and then he eventually decided to go to another country.

We talked that day long, because he saw I got upset, and he explained to me and confessed that he is in a very low situation now, because of workplace issues, and he needs to move away somewhere else very quickly. That’s why he hasn’t focused his efforts only on my country; he would go to the first country he gets a job offer from to “escape the loneliness”. I gave him my support and understanding.

In the next few days, we were supposed to agree on the date of the meeting, and then he told me about bad relations with his manager and new workplace issues, saying that it now endangers getting the day off at work (that he needs to take, to come over for a weekend). He seemed angry at his manager and willing to engage in a “war” with them. I asked him to focus on our meeting and on leaving the unfriendly environment, not on things that may endanger it, like “wars” with the manager.

I started sensing he sabotages the meeting and wants to delay it more, as he told me new excuses (as perceived by me) about wanting to choose later date, because of cheaper tickets. Eventually he said he asked at work for a day off, but he was refused (I perceived it as an excuse too, because he started those quarrels with the manager at about the same time and didn’t try to negotiate about the day off).

At that moment, I felt severely disappointed – again, the same. I said that he broke his promise about meeting, and he denied it – by saying it was not a promise!

I had quite enough and thought I should not allow him to treat me in such a way that he breaks promises and even denies it was even a promise… What is also disappointing, that he involved me in planning his relocation by asking for various pieces of advice while, at the same time, constantly changing his mind and keeping his options open. Now, at that moment, I felt I had to do something to prevent being treated with disrespect. I said a bit harsh words about him not taking responsibility for his words, and ended: “I think you know better what country will be best for you. We involved me too much into this advice and activities. Now I am willing to talk again only once you are on a plane to my city.”.

We’ve kept silent since then; it’s been a couple of days.

But now I have afterthoughts. I left him in those workplace troubles I know he has for sure (he had been mentioning his struggles at work earlier, before we started arranging the meeting), and as he confessed about his struggles, he deserves a helping hand. Also, I sense his fear about meeting may be the true reason (but he hasn’t admitted it). I feel guilty. But on the other hand, I know that if I forgive, without even hearing “sorry” from him, I put myself in the position of someone, who allows bad treatment. It’s not been the first time, and he never said “sorry”.

Please help. Am I doing the right or wrong thing? How the situation looks like from the perspective of an observer? I am lost.