IT is great that you are looking at this carefully to see where you could improve or where you need to set a firm boundary.

First, disagreements are normal. But it sounds like you are not communicating effectively with each other.
What I mean by this statement is that you are each bringing up complaints, but not talking about your feelings around the complaints.

Also, you are both seeing this as “his way” vs. “her way” rather than looking for “our way”.

His unfaithfulness would be a red flag for me and would lead me to seek couples counseling to work on communicating and being more loving to each other.

Life is too short to be in an unloving relationship. That doesn’t mean there won’t be sources of irritation and conflict. There usually is with two different human beings. But is the conflict/disagreement managed together, looking at both people and their feelings and always in a loving way?

This work is not easy and must be done together in the context of a loving partnership. And may need the support of a counselor.

Loving someone does not mean accepting their view of reality as your view.
If he’s not willing to go to counseling, that says something about his commitment to the relationship. And I would suggest you seek a counselor to learn on your own how to have a more loving relationship.

I particularly appreciate the work of Harville Hendrix.

My goodness..how do you put up with that kind of bullshit in the name of love? And why the hell are you tolerating his unfaithfulness? Seriously, do you have no self-respect? You call this love? You think this man respects your needs? He cheats on you – says a hooker and a cleaning lady would be cheaper option than you and you put up with that kind of nonsense? Unacceptable. He doesnt respect you and you have zero respect for yourself. Are you happy with this person? Do you like the way your personal boundaries are being violated like this? This is emotional abuse love and you just cant seem to see it. Couples fight and disagree but they dont disrespect eachother like this. Are you so scared that you will never find a guy to love you that you will put with this asshole in the name of love? I am sorry for the rather extreme views but i have no tolerance for this kind of audacity. Isnt your life important? Arent your needs important too? Of course they are! You deserve to be loved, cherised and treated with respect – dont let this man destroy you.

Go see a therapist please. This relationship is giving me too many red flag feelings.

Jobebee,

Can you feel the anger mamma has shown in the previous posts? Trust that, you’re being treated unfairly. Consider that your boyfriend steps on the petals of his flower, and blames you for his life being empty of blossoms. Said differently, when we’re shown tenderness, we feel open enough to be passionate. His actions come across as controlling, angry, and addicted… so very naturally your passion for him lessens. It’s not from your abuse, not from your side at all. If he treated you kindly, your whole body would see him differently.

I agree with the above posts… if he doesn’t grow, and fast, consider bailing. Better now when your esteem is shaken, than in 5 years when it’s gone. Right now, it sounds like his stress pushes him into power games, which have no space in a relationship. He’s basically throwing up his icky feelings at you, aimed sharply at your vulnerability, and you’re left holding the blame (inside both of you). This is bad for you both.

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that mimic previous experiences. This guy sounds like a chance for you to heal from the abuse more deeply. Consider, it’s ok to stand up and push him to grow. He may, and he may not. It’s ok to stand up and leave, I would. Inky would. Moongal would. But, this is your journey, dear sister, but whatever path you choose, just be sure to take a stand. Shake him off, by whatever means necessary. How do you control your rage at being treated in such a way? Just eat it as somehow deserved? Don’t let him define you like that. You deserve, need, tenderness. We all do. And we all deserve it, even if some others don’t know how to express it or give it.

Finally, in troubled times we can’t always rely on another to give us the gentle touches we deserve. This makes finding good ways to self nurture very helpful. We remind our bodies of love, of warmth, of kindness… by being loving, warm and kind to ourselves. Take a bath with candles, go on a walk in nature, engage in a student group, or whatever helps you feel awake, inspired, and safe. My favorite is metta meditation. Metta is the feeling warm friendship in the chest area, and is much like our inner light. Stress dims it, but we can rekindle our inner spirit with some effort and patience. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may you find the strength to defend your home, your heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Dear friend,

I do agree the answers above: it seems that what is missing in your relationship is true respect and admiration between the two of you – and eventually you must move on, because there is no way to get things on healthy bases it seems. That isn’t because either of you is a bad person or incapable to have a relationship – no. It is only because because both of you seem to have things you still need to work on on your own.

The reason I’m writing is because I felt so much compassion to your story: it is so easy to say “no, that’s not healthy” or “don’t you have any self respect” – when the truth is we are all here in our path when it comes to growing up. I myself was closer to 30 than 20 when I finally started to realize what love is (or isn’t) – not to say respect towards to yourself or others.

First of all: don’t blame yourself. You’ve found someone to grow with, and even though he doesn’t seem to be treating you the way anyone deserves to be treated (with respect), he obviously likes you (as being with you). What he’s blaming you on, though, (weight, cleaning, money etc.) reflects his inner problems instead of having anything to do with you.

His actions and attitudes seem to tell the same: he is still lost in himself too – and that’s why he reflects his needs, fears and expectations to you instead of loving you (or himself!) with open heart. The lack of respect, too, is most often something we show to others when not being in touch with ourselves.

We all start somewhere. And when not knowing ourselves, we start to find out who we are in a relation to others. Three years spent in this relationship have made you learn things – but in order to advance it seems important for you to move on. It does sound harsh, but I also did spent too much time in my first relationship – simply because I had nothing to compare it with. And when you have nothing to compare it with, I know it’s hard to say what is normal and what is not.

What is sure though is (I believe strongly) is that you’re not able to have a good relationship as long as you haven’t learn to respect yourself. Some of us may have this ability from the beginning, but some of us are left to learn the lesson by ourselves. It’s no one to blame – we just all play with the cards in our hands.

So please do gather your courage and take the step. You seem smart and goodhearted girl, and deserve all the respect, love and happiness in this life. I myself also learned to love by first loving others – just to realize, that all this love I was giving out eventually wasn’t authentic love, but a reflection of my needs. Good thing is it made me realize my needs of being loved, accepted and safe – and how I should find these things from myself before being able to live on other person’s side.

Things look very different when being inside of a relationship compared to the perspective had when not. But I ensure you: no matter how much good there now seems to be in your life, it won’t look like that after having a distance anymore. You have a companion, who has said awful things to you and haven’t treated you with respect anyone deserves. This isn’t a healthy base for a relationship, and in time you will be able to see it too. There is no mr. rights we could find or loose: only teachers that will stay on our side the time needed to learn the lesson.

You know having learned the lessons when you find yourself able to really choose the person you want to see on your side as equal companion – not just someone you need things from.

You’re not his maid but your own, amazing person who should now concentrate on your studies and growing instead of cleaning his place for money.

Dear Jobebee,

You are doing very well processing all the thoughtful feedback. What you are going through is very hard, and as you can see there are answers for you.

I’d like to add one other personal point of experience that may help you. When I became upset enough in an abusive relationship, that I was trying hard to make work, that I went to see a psychologist, within the first 5 minutes of meeting me, he asked, “What if you move out?” I did move out before the follow up session. Since then I have been single and over time I became more and more healthy and strong. It’s a journey for sure, but I would be in really bad shape had I not moved out. Just my story. Priceless to me. Take it for what it may or may not be worth to you.

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