Dear Allison Jade:

Following reading your first and second paragraph I thought to myself that your mother was talking to her ex husband (and/or someone else) when she was talking to your fiancé, as if losing her mind and speaking to someone else.

Then I read your third paragraph and  I agree with your understanding of what happened: “my mom is projecting her past trauma on to me and my  fiancé”.

“She called him ungrateful”- reads like she was talking to someone she had a relationship for years, someone ungrateful for years of care, and I don’t think she did that much for your fiancé, did she?

“that he thinks he’s ‘so great'”- based on what?

“nothing is ever good enough”- ever indicates, again, someone she has known for a long, long time.

Yes, it seems like an inaccurate projection on her part.

Daughters care what their mothers think. Problem is you may lose a good man trying to accommodate your mother, finding yourself alone with a mother who is still unhappy.

My advice: do not ask your fiancé to accommodate your mother, to apologize to her etc. It is okay that he wasn’t perfectly polite with her- he was in a difficult situation.

Don’t visit her  with him. Ask her to not talk to you about him. If she refuses, don’t visit her yourself.

In other words,  don’t let your mother mess up your life. It will not make her happy if you let her destroy your relationship, and you will be angry with her, regretful and  miserable. No one wins, everyone loses.

anita