I am 30 years old Indian male. Recently I ruined a relationship by being insecure. After it has ended I have troubled all my friends by discussing it with them and they have consoled me. But I am still finding it difficult to let it go. Here is my side of the story.

I met this girl for a possible marriage alliance. When I met her she told me about her previous relationship since child hood. I am a little insecure since I had a troubled childhood and my relationship with my family members especially with my father is not good. In short I was deprived of love and affection at home. This has made me a lot insecure and risk averse. Coming back to the alliance, I did not give much importance to her past and agreed for the proposal. Gradually we moved together but my insecurities got the better of me and finally I ruined the situation so that I had to say a no to the proposal. This obviously created a problem from the girl side (since it is a big issue in India). We were not formally engaged but just had agreed for an alliance and their parents had visited our place and my parents had visited theirs. But anyway, the alliance did not work out. She tried to convince me but I had developed so much negative feelings for the proposal that I said no. When she still persisted I ignored her.

Time passed and after 7-8 months I still had not moved on. She was constantly in my mind. When I decided to give it another try I came to know that she has been engaged to someone else. I still tried to convince her and her parents but they did not agree.

Now am deeply regretting my decision. How i had so many opportunity to go back to her but I did not. Now I am feeling that since I have hurt her and her parents I will be perpetually be unhappy( the Karma effect). I constantly fear of the worst and I feel that life is ruined and I will not be happy again.

I may sound childish but sometimes I feel suicidal also. Many people have told me to move on but I am not able to do that. My mother advises me to think that she was not destined for me, but I feel guilty because I myself had said no to the proposal. This guilt is killing me day by day.