I’ve never shared my story in any online forum or group and community before. I always thought it’s irrelevant, telling your problems to strangers who can’t do anything to help. But today I don’t know how long I could survive this depression, it feels like I’m just one click away from killing myself. Therefore, I’d like to leave something behind. I don’t know if anybody would read this, but I hope one day, if a meth addict like me, browsing through the internet and forums and finds this, it could help in anyway that’s possible.

My name is Dee. Two days from now, I’ll turned to 28. I was a passive meth user since 2004, but I stopped using in 2007. Been clean from any kind of drugs for more than 7 years, I started using again in early 2014. It was recreational, at first. Smoke it only to have some fun nights with my girl and my roomate.

I was having the time of my life back then. Enjoying my film study at college, I was one of the best student. I got highest grade most of the time, the professors love me, everybody wants to be my friend. I was working as a freelance writer, director and video editor and was making a lot of money from it. Me and everybody who knows me were so sure that I’ll have a bright life ahead.

And then things got more intense. As time goes by, my work load starting to get crazy. Lots of videos are waiting to be edited, that means long hours of staying up in front of the computer. I started to use meth regularly to help get the works done. With meth help, I was able to make loads of money and still manage to be excellent in school, be a good partner to my gf and be a great daughter for my Mom for a year in 2014.

Then early 2015, I had to take a leave from my study for a semester. This is because a good friend of mine doesn’t have enough money to pay for the tuition yet she’s already on the final limits on taking a leave. She has to take this semester or got dropped out from college. So I lend her my money and take a leave instead. Little do I know that using meth while having daily activities and using while not having any routines would make a huge difference.

So I spent everyday and everynight working in front of the computer. Longer working hours only means more meth. I started draw myself away from my friends and locked myself up in my room, working and using. My gf who lived in with me starting to notice this unhealthy pattern and warned me about this excessive use of meth everyday but somehow I could always assure her that everything is under control.

And things were really getting out of hands. Me and my gf lived in the same room but we barely have quality times because I spent most of my days sleeping and working or using at nights. I spent all of my fees to buy more meth. Eventually when my dose goes up, I need to buy more and more. I started to get complaints on my work quality. I no longer pay attention to small details, I just want to get it done as soon as possible. Slowly, people stopped giving me works to do. I stopped making money, but did not stop using. I spent all of my savings, my gf’s savings, sold my cameras, laptops and many other things just for meth. I’m in deep debts to a lot of people in less than a year.

Tired of coping up with all my lies and promises to quit, my gf left me in then end of 2015, broke up with me and moved back to her parents home. Being left alone, I only got worse. Making even more debts than I can ever imagine. Eventually, in one night, my gf came to my place and forced me to seek help, to come clean to my Mom. After two hours of arguments, I finally agreed. That was 21st of November 2015, I promise I’ll quit meth to her and my Mom.

I did. For more than a year, I really didn’t smoke a single meth. I started to gain my life back, paid some of my debts, starting to get jobs again. My gf even came back to me, support me the whole way through my recovery.

It was this early January, a colleague suddenly called me and asked for a meet up. Said he has this work offer for me. That day, I just got home after a long hours driving from out of town. Feeling exhausted, still, I agreed to meet him anyway. We ended up in a club that night. He convinced me that he only needs some shots to relax the nerve, then we’ll move and find another place to talk. I honestly don’t know why I buy it though it is unlikely will be true. He eventually were to drunk to talk about anything. So after the club closed, I put him in a cab and was preparing to go home as well. It was in the parking area, he suddenly ran to me and shake my hand. That moment I noticed, he slipped something into my hand. He thanked me for accompanying him that night and that’s some vitamin to restore my stamina. I’d really want to throw it away off of my hand, but it was a public spot. So I keep it in my hand until I got home. It was a meth package.

In a different situation, I could face meth calmly. But while feeling super tired when you have so much work to do in the next day? My body shakes just to think about it. I didn’t use it right away, I chose to sleep it off. On the next day, I tried to do my activity normally. But feeling so tired all the time from lack of sleep qhile in a trip made me failed to get any work done. The feelings started to come back, the thoughts how I get all my work done with meth, strikes into my head. I finally decided to use it.

Ever since then, until now, there is almost no day pass by without me using it again. My gf left me, my Mom didn’t say anything but I’m quite sure she already knows that I’m relapsing. And in only a month, I spent what I’ve worked hard for over the year. I even already made some small debts.

Now here I am. Feeling so tired of everything. People say life is a constant battle, and this time I’d really want to give up. For anybody who read this, please, don’t judge. You have no idea how it feels like to fight addiction and always in a war with yourself. Nobody wants to be addicted to any substance. We did not choose to. Educate yourself, addiction is a disease. Help your loved ones to heal from it.

Thanks for reading this long post. I wish you all a great life.

• This topic was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Dee Dee.