Meth ruined my life

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This topic has 29 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 2, 2017 at 11:03 am #126600

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Dee:

What if it doesn’t matter how many times you tried, succeeded and failed to remained away from meth? What if it does not matter that your mother and girlfriend- and anyone else- is disappointed of you?

What if it doesn’t matter how many more times you will stay away from meth and then come back to it?

What if… all that mattered was you looking at your life at this moment- and the next, and the next after that- and see what there is to see, learn what there is to learn?

Meth has been your solution to that ongoing, excess fear, anxiety. There are many other solutions people try, solutions that work only for the short term. Solutions that create more problems. If you read stories here, you will see that many people suffer greatly. You are not alone. You do have company.

To make your story inspirational to others who suffer, keep the story alive by keeping its protagonist alive. Let her keep telling her story-

anita

February 2, 2017 at 3:10 pm #126613

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi Dee,

You seem to be in a pickle. Actually, lets me honest, you´re going through hell. Feeling that your life is slipping through your fingers and you have no control what so ever over your being, your mind, your body and your thoughts. I don´t know an addiction to meth, but I know a hard-core addiction to smoking and my ex-boyfriend. Unlike meth, smoking is socially allowed and even if its expensive it doesnt compare to meth. My addiction to my boyfriend is not even visible, but it makes me want to die as well. Not being able to see him, feel him and be with him. Its love, but love can be a drug as well. And when you can´t get your fix its unberable. Unfortunately for me he´s not for sale, or I would have done the same thing you did, I would have sold my laptop, my camera and gotten into debt just to be with him.

So I know, way different levels. Nevertheless, I know adiction. I know the incapacity of not being able to control it, of letting it have a life of its own.

I´m sorry, I´m sorry you´re struggling so much.I´m sorry you´re going through this. We´re all in the same hell just different devils. However, I do agree with the endless things I´ve read. We HOLD THE POWER, but our minds are so weak that we we´ve let them govern our lives.

I can´t really give you advise as to how to quit meth and get your life together. Because I find my self in the same situation, just different drug. The only thing I can offer you is my support. If you need someone to vent with write at yumiyumimaria@gmail.com

February 2, 2017 at 3:28 pm #126614

Jahrin
Participant

Hi Dee,

Reading your story, it seems you are gifted and most people can only wish they had the chances or the ability to keep bouncing back like you have.

Please, please know that what you have experienced is powerful and if you were to give it all up, then your position to harness it and to help others who are dealing with an addiction whilst being ‘judged’, those helpless human beings who have strayed down the wrong path, like you have, will have another light extinguished, someone who has made it out of the cycle and been clean for a period.

You have greatness waiting to get out, just take it by the minute, long as you have and in breath and an out breath you have a light that people need. – N J

February 3, 2017 at 6:42 am #126634

Dee Dee
Participant

Dear, Anita..

Thank you for your kind reply. The thing is, I never wanted to be inspirational. I used to be a very positive and optimistic person, I used to believe there’s a reason behind everything that happened and there’s always something to learn. But after these 3 years, I feel like I have lost all those values. I lost my vision of life. I can’t seem to find what’s the reason behind all these chaos. Is it my karma? Have I done anything really bad in my life that makes me deserve this? Or is this just a test to make me a better human? I don’t even know what’s right or wrong anymore.

It feels like I have lost myself somewhere along this mess. How could I find her again? How could you be you again?

Dee.

February 3, 2017 at 6:55 am #126635

Dee Dee
Participant

Dear, Regina..

Please know that your kind and sincere response to my post, gives me such a warm feeling I haven’t felt for some time.

Yes, I believe that addiction, in any form, is torturing. I can understand your addiction towards your bf is also killing you. But the thing with my meth addiction is it changed me to the worst version of myself. I lied to many people, especially thoae who loved me. I hurt them to feed my addiction. I am so ashamed of myself to the point I can’t even look in the mirror and not wanting to kill myself.

I don’t know how my story will end, but I sincerely wisj that yours will turn out to be a happy ending. Keep the light of love fire up in you, Regina. But the most important thing is, don’t forget to love yourself.

Dee.

February 3, 2017 at 7:14 am #126636

Dee Dee
Participant

Dear, NJ..

When you put it that way, I can’t help but remember that tomorrow I will turn to 28 and nothing that I’ve done can make me feel proud of myself. So how could I be all the things that you said above?

It feels like what’s waiting for me is only another storm that’s going to tear me apart. And I don’t think it’s a greatness at all.

I am sorry if I sound self-pity or very pesimistuc but truly, I can’t seem to find any positive reason to keep me going. Nevertheless, thank you, thank you for your efforts to share me some positive thoughts. I can’t thank you enough for that.

Dee.

February 3, 2017 at 8:23 am #126645

Jahrin
Participant

Hey Dee,

the greatness I see lies in whats already there, that lies dormant. I cannot imagine how hard it is to over come a meth addiction but alcohol was what I used. We all have a mind controlled by the ego which runs out of control, the monkey mind that makes us as human beings spiral into a cycle of clinging.

I suppose when I read:
“I was having the time of my life back then. Enjoying my film study at college, I was one of the best student. I got highest grade most of the time, the professors love me, everybody wants to be my friend. I was working as a freelance writer, director and video editor and was making a lot of money from it. Me and everybody who knows me were so sure that I’ll have a bright life ahead.”

I saw a person who once on the right path and free of attachment is unstoppable. Everything you think that is wrong is just what your mind tells you, this doesn’t make it real. Seeing that will take your commitment to use the help around you, online everywhere, though you may feel alone in this, you are not. Whether you seek insights from other people that have overcome their addiction or seek motivation from other ‘strugglers’ you can relate to, see how you would help them if they were in ddire need, just know that you can move past this patch and you love yourself enough to give you a chance. Change things up, do something different even if you’re not that keen, there’s always a way to motivate yourself.
Start with changing one little thing and focus on that motivate to changing that little thing. There is always people online an a community with people that are there for you. We will help you find you if you promise to take little steps.

February 3, 2017 at 8:38 am #126647

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Dee:

I am glad you replied to all who responded to you, and so graciously.

In my post to you I suggested: “What if… all that mattered was you looking at your life at this moment- and the next, and the next after that- and see what there is to see, learn what there is to learn?”

In your response to me you wrote: “I used to believe there’s a reason behind everything that happened and there’s always something to learn… I can’t seem to find what’s the reason behind all these chaos. Is it my karma? Have I done anything really bad in my life that makes me deserve this? Or is this just a test to make me a better human?”

This is not what I meant in you seeing-what-there-is-to-see and learning-what-there-is-to-learn. I do not at all believe that “there’s a reason behind everything that happen(s)”, that there is a god entity that sets things in motion ahead of time, for a reason or a test. I also don’t believe in personal karma.

When person A commits a wrong, it is not at all necessarily person A that suffers from it, another person (or many people, if person A is in position of power, such as in politics and economics) will suffer.
Things that happen, happen randomly or as a result of acts done by multiple people.

What I meant by learning is learning the reality and truth of what-is. The truth about what motivate you as well as what motivates the people in your life; what are your mental habits, how they started and how they play in your current life.

What do you think about my meaning of seeing and learning?

anita

February 4, 2017 at 6:42 am #126692

Inky
Participant

Hi deedeesabrina,

My thought about this is: You got clean once, and you can do it again! Ask your mom for money so you can go into a rehab facility. You tried to manage this on your own. And you DID succeed! For more than a year! Now manage it with tons of support. I bet that will make help make all the difference.

You CAN do this!

Blessings,

Inky

February 4, 2017 at 7:07 am #126694

Stacey Royce
Participant

Dee Dee, you took the first step of sharing your challenge and seeking help. Consider that encouraging. Right now you are lacking confidence and faith in yourself and don’t see any value in who you are. I challenge that. There was something you wrote that you glossed over in your story, something extraordinary and beautiful and giving. You gave up a semester of your schooling to allow a friend to complete hers and you financed it. You unselfishly gave someone else and extraordinary gift and sacrificed your own progress so that she could succeed. How does that make you feel? Can you allow yourself to feel uplifted and good and worthy for this action? Can you create a little space in the cloak of despair that you are experiencing to allow yourself to feel your value?

You don’t actually need to do things like this to be worthy of love and compassion but it’s clear that you have a thoughtful and generous nature – this is who you are. We all have our demons and it takes daily practice and a network of support to keep those demons in line. The demons don’t go away but our light gets brighter as we practice being compassionate and loving to ourselves and, by extension, to others. Remember who you are in your core – thoughtful and generous and reflective are just a handful of your qualities – and each day practice those things so that your light expands from the inside out. As with anything, you will have good days and bad days. Do not give up on yourself on the bad days and have your support network close by. You can do this.

February 4, 2017 at 11:36 am #126717

Laurie62
Participant

Dee, addiction is a horrible disease and meth a difficult drug to quit. You can do it, though, because you are worthy of a good and sober life. Happy 28th Birthday. You are young and have much to look forward to. I am 54 years old, in recovery for many years, but I’ve had relapses, too. I am currently going to school to become a substance abuse counselor. With your background in film and writing, your experience with addiction and struggle can be documented to reach others. I hope you can find support to stay clean. I am not a fan of 12 step groups, but if they are available, try NA. Take what you can use and leave the rest. There are also many good online groups, Women for Sobriety is one of them. Don’t give up. I am living proof that recovery is possible. Be good to yourself and develop a routine every day. Learn how to deal with your inner critic. You are a good person with a terrible disease! Please post and keep us updated on your progress.

February 4, 2017 at 11:58 am #126718

Anonymous
Guest

Happy 28 Birthday, Dee-
anita

February 4, 2017 at 12:02 pm #126719

Jahrin
Participant

Happy Birthday Dee – N J

February 5, 2017 at 10:04 pm #126861

XenopusTex
Participant

And, yet, we have people say that meth (and other drug dealers) aren’t threats to the community. *Bangs head*.

February 6, 2017 at 7:46 am #126872

Dee Dee
Participant

Dear, NJ..

This line,

We all have a mind controlled by the ego which runs out of control, the monkey mind that makes us as human beings spiral into a cycle of clinging.

it serves me just right.

Couple days ago I was browsing through the internet and found this interesting article, unfortunately I forgot to bookmarked it. However, I remember it was talking about 7 ways to survive a life chaos, rise from the dust like a Phoenix phylosophy. The first step is to stop trying to control things.

And as you said about changing little thing, I am now focus on stop thinking. As much as it is a contrary to my beliefs, I’m actually doing nothing to control my life now. Just came clean to my Mom on my birthday, and she was offering her help, of course. Back then I would never say yes to any of her offers to help me. I’d get my ass back to work in an instance. But this time, I actually agreed when she asked me to move back to my hometown, take a step back, take a rest.

I can’t say this is an easy thing to do. My head keeps killing me with these thoughts that I’m getting old with nothing to be proud of. Agreeing to take a step back from all the troubles and take some rest to seek for treatments means that I will waste another couple months by doing no work, letting go of all the projects I’m currently working on. But I promised myself this break time. I don’t know if this is right though.

Do you think it’s the right thing to do?

Dee.
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