I stumbled upon tinybuddha a couple of days back after a spat with my mother. I was dressed to go out. She asked me to change the way I had done my hair when i was ready to step out and I refused. That irked her and brought out the list of issues she has with the way I look, the way I dress and some of my habits/ aspects of my lifestyle.I don’t live with her but she is with me now for a couple of months. My mother is a hardy person with strong ideas about things/ life/ people. She is also anxious has a need to keep giving instructions very few minutes e.g. did u have water… you never drink water or why don’t you wear this, you have the worst choice in clothes.She is growing older and some of these traits are getting worse. While I see that, I am not able to manage my emotions when I am criticised about my weight or about the quality of my hair or when she tells me that there are some clothes I should stop wearing because they are not meant for my body type or when she says I have peanuts for determination and never finish things that I start or when she says that as a woman I should be doing somethings that I dont do. It drives me up the wall. At times she is in a good mood and jokes about it but at that time it is not so bad, but then there are these half mocking moments like ” sigh! look at some people they looks so good whatever they wear” “just because people wear these clothes you needn’t you look squat and stunted”” sigh! we thought she’d grow really tall”” I used to think she’d be a great sportsperson” (this used to irk me in my teenage not anymore i, but just remembered it) ” sigh I wish God had made you a little slimmer” ” Why are you so sensitive, cant you take a joke” For many years i reacted by snapping back that I don’t care and that she has a problem and is too fussy about these things or that she needs to live with it. On bad days quietly walked away and cried alone. Sometimes I’d joke about it on the outside simmering inside. I almost hate her in those moments and feel like my head is about to burst. On a few occasions recently I have told her to back off and that I am not interested in listening to which she has said that she is a mother and it is quite natural that she is very concerned about her childerns well being no matter how grown up they are and this she cannot change about herself. I used to love my exercise time and walks till she came over and then I stopped after a few arguments. Id come back from a walk and she’d ask how many kms I did and when I told her she’d say why didnt you do xyz…. it doesn’t matter. I have been discussing this with my husband on bad days (he is away right now but my pillar of strength and soul mate for several years) and he asked to draw my boundaries and protect myself. Actually from far it may even sound funny that a grown independent woman like me should even be affected by this. but it is constant and difficult to escape. I have gone through my own journey of being full of self doubt, but externally confident to believing in myself and my capabilities and being able to speak my mind and have conviction in what I say. When I look back I think I have done well for myself, but this journey of self development is long and confusing. the moment I find peace and think this is it, in comes my mother and my calmness crumbles like a pack of cards and I am grappling in thin air for all the concepts of mindfulness and catching nothing. I haven’t got a hold on compassion for myself or for others. How to love and protect myself unconditionally in these specific moments ( it is easy in a non threatening environment)? How do I draw boundaries without anger. While I write here I can clearly see that when people criticise that have something to say but I need not take it personally, but this is so difficult to put in action. I think I just stop listening in these moments or I listen and I hear something I just don’t like and try to resist in my head which gives me this explosive feeling. I don’t even know if there is a connection but many years back when I went for a reiki initiation course the master observed that my channels were blocked . I didn’t I understood this then and I don’t practice reiki anymore but somehow there seems to be a connection. all this resistance . I have nothing against my mother to be honest. I only wish she is quiet for most part of the day and we can talk normal about things instead of obsessing over how I look and my exercise. My feelings evaporate the minute she is peaceful and has a few distractions to keep her busy. I am seeking some understanding of myself – why I resist and get angry instead of letting go. Maybe I perceive a huge risk in being vulnerable.why is this so difficult and how can I be free of this.
Thank you for your patience.