Hi kavita,

Your mom talks that way to you because it is now her default setting for talking to you after decades.

In short, it is a bad habit.

What you need to do is break her habit.

One Easter my mom started in on three of the siblings’ weight. One sib was getting angry. The other ran into the other room crying. When she started in on me, I grabbed a “NO!” button from Staples (any loud noise maker would do) and pressed the button. “NO!”

She was startled and upset. She started in on my weight again. “NO!” The children were laughing. The joke was on her. Once again, she made a comment (though more obliquely). “NO!”

Wouldn’t you know it, the habit was broken!

Now we talk politics. Bring on politics! Yay!!

Good Luck,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Inky.

kavita,

I like what Inky said, with that “No!” technique. That sounds like a much quicker way to get to the results that I finally got with my nagging and critical mother.

My mother was much like yours, always criticizing me about everything. I would just bite my tongue (for the first 30 years of my life), but when I would leave her presence, I was so upset. Eventually, I kept cutting her off completely. I would tell her off, usually in a letter, and then not speak to her for months or longer. After about 3 times of this she actually learned to stop nagging at me. I’m sure that at that point she probably still thought everything negative and just didn’t say it, or would say it to others behind my back, but at least that was something I could live with.

Now, though, years later, she’s actually turned into a loving, caring mother. I don’t know how, but she grew up. Well, mostly. She still picks on other people sometimes, but not me. She knows I won’t put up with it. Her nagging seems to come out when she is anxious. She either can’t face herself or what is going on around her, and she becomes critical of people. She thinks she’s helping them, but only makes them mad. She’s good to me, though.

The funny thing is, she would criticize me all the time, my whole childhood and part of my adulthood, but most of the time, even now, if you criticize her in any way she almost falls apart. She can dish it out, but not take it – at all. It’s so strange.

I don’t know if this helps you at all. Well, maybe it just helps to know that someone else experienced a lot of what you have. I must say, though, I don’t believe what some people have said (not here, but elsewhere) – that people don’t change, etc. They can change, if they care enough about having you in their life. It has to come to the point where you say that this is damaging to me, so either stop it or stay away from me. At least, that’s how I had to do it. I think if I hadn’t forced my mom to change, I might not even be alive now, because the stress of her nagging and criticism would’ve killed me.

Oh, another thing is that now my mom actually sees and understands some of what she’s done in the past and has apologized (I never thought it would happen). She sees it because of her grandson and his bad father. She’s gained some understanding of what I went through because of seeing what her grandson goes through. So, there really is hope. I’m living proof, and so is Inky.

Mimi

Dear kavita:

It is very, very common for a child, and an adult-child to feel guilty for even thinking negatively about one’s mother, let along verbalizing it or writing about her for others to read. This feeling of guilt does not mean you did wrong sharing here. Children (of any age) feel loyal to their parents, especially to abusive parents.

Post anytime.

anita