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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • July 31, 2015 at 3:07 am #80910
    deepunk
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have a feeling that this is going to be a long post and I am sorry about it, but I really don’t know whom to talk to or whom to ask anything. I also hope this will make sense what I am going to write. I choose to write this here, because ever since I have discovered tinybuddha it has given me a feeling of peace and of hope… maybe it will help this time too…

    I’m not even sure how to start this or how to explain my situation… not even to myself.

    I feel stuck. Stuck in a place where I do not want to be, stuck in a job that I don’t want, just stuck overall.
    The sad thing is that I realize my situation, but I can not bring myself to do anything. I don’t know how to start to make a change. I’m the kind of person who is trying to keep a positive mindset, but in the past months I have found myself bottling up so much anger and so many negative emotions, that I do not know how to handle them.

    Last year in December I have accepted a job in a city where a friend of mine was living. But the decision to accept it was based not on my own wishes, but on how my parents would feel if i would have this kind of job. I wanted them to be proud and I wanted to be able to be kind of near them, so I can support them – at least on a mental level. I knew that they would need my support, because my brother is dragging them through hell… he’s more or less a drug addict and last year he has moved out to college. They don’t know this for sure. They see that something is wrong with him, but are not sure. I know what he is doing, but I don’t know how to help him. I realize that until he decides to change, I can not do anything for him (especially because we don’t live in the same city). And he is a very stubborn person and proud. He will not listen to anyone or anything. Even if you tell him to stop doing something, he will go do that the next moment only to prove that he is right and that you don’t have any control over him.

    This is one of the reasons I accepted to stay near them and not find a job in another country. But even so, I’m not being so much of a help to anyone. Not to my parents, not to my brother and especially not to myself.
    Now I find myself surrounded by all these people and places that I don’t want around me. I’m not doing anything… literally nothing. And I hate it. I always tell myself that I’m going to start doing this and that, I’m going to find a new job and move away from everything.. but every time I search online for different jobs that I would actually like to have, something in my mind just stops and I start doing something else. And I don’t know what to do to change this. I don’t know how to change anything.

    Then I start thinking if the situation in my family is just an excuse for me to not do and go where I want, because it terrifies me. And then I start hating everything even more.. especially myself for being such a coward. I was always the person who told everybody to follow their dreams because they have the power to do that. And now here I am, sitting at a job that I always told myself I would never do, living in a city that drains me with its superficiality and being around people that don’t care about anything else than themselves. It’s true, I did find a few beautiful persons here, but the majority are just fake and blinded by money.

    I’m not being ungrateful or anything, but I feel that I am losing my time. I feel that I should start making decisions based on my wishes… but I seem to circle around the same issues over and over again and don’t know how to get out. Even if I would just leave, I would still feel bad that I selfishly left my family in this situation. But at the same time I feel that it is not fair to do these things, to put myself through this. It’s not fair to me, as selfish as it may sound.

    I don’t know what to do or whom to talk with.

    I’m really sorry for the long post…

    July 31, 2015 at 4:57 am #80912
    Inky
    Participant

    Dear deepunk,

    Aside from praying everyday (and prayer is very, very powerful!) there’s not a whole lot you can do for your parents OR your brother ~ on THIS physical level. Spiritually, yes, do everything you can think of: prayer, mantras (and if access to his place, recordings of spiritual chanting, oil and salt on the doors and windows, Tibetan bells). That is how I snapped my son out of it, by the way. The energy in his room and in the house was so “high” that he didn’t feel a need to get, well, high!

    I would devote a spiritual practice every week for your parents’ and his benefit and then leave it alone mentally when you’re not doing it.

    Now, as for the job and living situation ~ We certainly know what you don’t want ~ Which is what you have now. But I want to know what you DO want. What job do you want and where do you want to be living?

    Best,

    Inky

    July 31, 2015 at 10:12 am #80929
    deepunk
    Participant

    Dear Inky,

    Thank you so much for your reply. It actually means a lot to me.

    Regarding my brother, he lives in a different city that is about 10 hours away by train – so I don’t really have access to his place. But it is true, the energy in the place he lives is very heavy and kind of depressing. He also surrounds himself with people that do the same thing as him, people that mostly use him and on some level he realizes this – but he can’t seem to find the motivation to actually get out of this circle. I have been praying that he will wake up and get better and also that he will be safe. I’m also always praying for my family to be safe. I will keep doing that, because I don’t know what else to help with…

    Regarding what I want – I love working with people, students from all kinds of backgrounds. A few years ago when I was a student myself, I worked as a volunteer for a student organisation and we had a lot of projects for students and high schoolers. And I loved it. But now I’m not a student anymore and have bills to pay and can not keep asking for money from my parents. So I would like to find a job in one international organisation that has different projects in different countries. But every time I start to search for this job, as I have previously mentioned, my mind kind of freaks out and I don’t apply or find excuses not to do it.

    I have tried to dig deeper to see what I’m actually scared of in doing this step forward… I’m probably scared that my parents will be disappointed that I don’t want what the others around me want (buy a house, get married and have kids – I don’t feel it’s the time to do this now, because there are so many things that I would like to do). I’m also scared that maybe things will not work out (I know, there’s only one way to find out, but I still don’t seem able to move). I’m probably scared of myself, of things working out… I don’t even know…

    Then I sit here in front of my laptop and cry and ask myself why do I put myself through this? Why can’t I just go and do things? But I can’t find an answer to that.. And also don’t know how to find the answer and change.

    Thank you, Inky for listening.
    deepunk

    July 31, 2015 at 12:57 pm #80954
    Inky
    Participant

    Well, you are still young. Consider this ~ I’m a parent. If my older son still had a drug issue, and the other son wanted to be part of a travel/educational program/job, frankly, I’d be relieved that at least someone in the family had a goal. I mean, if you’re a girl, there is the pressure of starting a family one day, but a guy can start one in his forties even. And you can assure your parents that you “will probably find something serious later on, but this opportunity presented itself, blah blah” … LOL

    Now, as far as the Fear, the Block… I have it too!! What is helpful is to have a buddy, or a team. Like, have someone else send out your resume and you send out theirs. Or do job searches together. Maybe start a Meet-Up for job searchers! Even better if you find a love interest with the same career goals as you, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

    July 31, 2015 at 4:11 pm #80968
    John Paul Tracey
    Participant

    Hi deepunk
    What a wonderful and lucky person you are. There is no one on this planet like you. You are unique and special. There is something that you are good at and passionate about and you are the only person who can deliver it like that. You know what this is,
    First of all…life is absolute chaos. Everybody’s life is a chaotic mess of emotions and problems intermingled with sprinkles of joy and happiness.
    Your strength is your self-awareness. You are able to objectively listen to what you think, so here is what I need you to do for you….
    Stop listening to the content of your thoughts, listen instead to their form. For instance “oh why can’t I make a decision”, replace with “when did I decide that I would be indecisive. What specifically is stopping me from making a decision. When I say I can’t I am telling myself I won’t, so why won’t I? What would have to happen right now for me to decide on that? What would be the last thing I would need to hear, see or feel to know I had made a great decision” . Out of curiosity … when did you decide that you were not going to make a decision?

    Fear is an investment in stuff that hasn’t even happened yet. Worrying about what others think is wasted energy. If we could control how other people think of us… would that really help us? What would it change? Would it bring you happiness if you knew everyone thought a certain set of things about you? Of course it wouldn’t. The variety of people’s perceptions of us and their feedback shapes us, guides us , deters us, makes us human. We are our own people.

    Everyone and I mean everyone is doing the best with what they have available, so stop being so hard on yourself and give you a break. You are human and you are doing just fine.

    We sometimes look in the wrong direction at what we believe is the “problem” but often find that the solution was a few words away. A few words can change a lifetime and the great thing is that you already have the words inside you, that can completely turn your life around. These words seems to be the most difficult to tell ourselves as we all seek constant approval and look for love and fulfilment in others.

    Look in the mirror and say aloud “I love myself”. Now that felt good didn’t it?

    You are in crisis. Crisis is good because it represents a perceived problem (aka challenge) AND it also represents opportunity. So let’s get you focused on something that is completely in the opposite direction of where all your energy is going. You have a job to do and it’s this… write down every morning 3 three in that day that you are going to do to show yourself that you love yourself. So let’s say tomorrow it could be “I am going to lay out in the garden and look at the sky for 20 minutes and just admire the beauty of the blueness and feel alive because I know this will bring peace to my mind and love for myself brings peace for myself.” Number 2 could be. “Today I will do 10 press ups because this is the first day that I know that I love my body and I will feed it will love and energy from a little exercise. “. Number 3 could be. “Today I will drink cool water from my favourite glass and enjoy the taste of its purity and feel how lucky I am to replenish my body with this water”. Seriously this is easy simple, small stuff that you are very very capable of doing. You can keep it personal. You don’t need approval from any family member or to explain why you think you should start loving yourself or what exactly you are doing. You know and I know you do know now, that your family members and parents have all got their own journey and struggle going on. You cannot know what they think and feel or perceive things to be from behind their eyes and nor can they know from behind yours. So just decide to let go now of all that worry you gave yourself before you loved yourself when you believed that you needed to please others. That’s right, you love yourself more now. You are an amazing human being, you have achieved great things and the horizon of your life where you reach the dreams you set out, like steady job, happy, loving relationships, are all in front of you, but you will not see them or reach them unless you love yourself now.

    The employee who said “you of all people” has paid you a ,momentous compliment….sit and think for a moment. Please do this now …. This employee has a lot of respect for you. They held and still and I please read this again, “and still” hold you in high regard. So why has it impacted you, those few words…. It’s because you did not realise how great you were. The employee showed their disappointment in “themselves”….they were looking for external approval from you and instead their reaction to positive feedback and new ideas was a feeling that they had let you down. There is an old saying, “once you understand your foe, you can but love and care for them”. This employee has their journey todo and you to them are amazing and they never wanted to let you down. Forgive them. Listen to how the things that have been said to you have an alternate meaning to the meaning you have assigned to those words.

    How do I know this? I am a certified NLP life coach, time line practitioner and hypnotherapist. No I don’t see clients or have an office. I have battled bipolar for 20 years and finally finally after reaching the near end of humanity, as you have, those dark corners where it’s so painful to live another minute, I realised that no one, no one elses love for me, non one elses joy, no medication, no relationship, no job, nothing was going to restore my life but the commencement of a journey of learning to love myself. I have a journey to do, but the change has been made and today you have made it too. From the next minute forward your whole energy goes into those three words “I love myself”.

    I know this message will be a turning point for you. This very very small change in your thinking will become a habit. These thoughts will get stronger and stronger till you feel yourself wanting to burst and tell the world “oh, I completely get it now, I just needed to love myself” . The rest, well, that’s the journey.

    P.s I know a guy who can completely allow you to let go of all your negative emotions. It’s you.
    🙂

    July 31, 2015 at 8:41 pm #80984
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear deepunk:

    In primitive society, let’s say a farming society, people did not move around. The parents had as many children as possible so that they work on the farm from an early age. The children married as soon as they hit puberty or so, build homes on the same property, had their children, who soon worked on the expanding farm and so on. Nowadays, people move away, far, far away, like your brother. There is no farm and individuals all over are as confused as hell, still programmed genetically to be part of the family, the original group, feeling scared not to be part of the family and at the same time… there is no farm, no family business, no BENEFIT to being so connected to the family.

    What to do? Individuate, separate, own your life, live it on your own terms, choose jobs that you want to do. Face the fear and do it anyway, small steps,one step at a time. Make some connections, need social connections, it is in our genes, just don’t pay for it with your life.

    anita

    August 1, 2015 at 6:16 am #80989
    deepunk
    Participant

    Dear Inky,

    It is interesting and also relieving to get a parents input on this issue. My parents would probably be fine at some point with me living a whole lot further away, as long as they would know I’m happy.
    I have also tried praying with Tibetan mantras in the background last night and it felt different. I felt more connected and more focused on the prayers. If this is one way to help my family, I will do my best to do so.

    Thank you so much,
    deepunk

    August 1, 2015 at 6:25 am #80990
    deepunk
    Participant

    Dear johnpaultracey,

    Your feedback was a little eyeopener for me. I have never realized that the decision that I actually made was to be indecisive. And now that I think back it makes sense. Not only regarding the important life changing decision, but I was not able to choose a book that I got for free in a store – it’s that bad. I suppose when you are not making decisions, you kind of try to escape the responsibility that comes with that decision. (I’m trying to explain this to myself now). But at the same time, if you don’t decide… you will float around just like I do now and this road is not leading anywhere. Just to confusion and frustration from what I have experienced.
    And you are right… I haven’t been loving myself lately… I just put myself through hard times out of guilt and anger. And it’s not ok.

    Thank you so much!
    deepunk

    August 1, 2015 at 6:36 am #80991
    deepunk
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    It is true, people move away easier now. I also moved away a few years ago from my parents home. The issue with my brother is regarding the drugs. If he would want to move away, I would be happy for him, as long as I knew he would actually be happy.. like for real deep inside his soul.

    I also understand what you are trying to tell me, not to be dependent on my family and live the life I want and dream of. I’m trying to do that, but sometimes is so hard when I see them not being happy and dealing with different situations. It’s true, that at the end of the day it’s their own choice to do so and I should not feel responsible in any way for this. But it hurts. Especially when there’s not much you can do about it. But I will keep praying my brother will get better and my parents also.

    Thank you so much for your response!
    deepunk

    August 1, 2015 at 1:11 pm #81015
    Helen Myers
    Participant

    Dear deepunk,

    It was interesting reading about how you feel. I came across this site by accident and your post came up! I have now registered as I think its a great to share.

    I was particularly interested when you talked about not being able to make decisions and then one of the replies was to remind you that you have made a decision – and that is not to make decisions. Yes, you have the power within yourself to change your decisions. I did. Actually nothing has really changed in my life (it’s like a mirror of yours), what has changed is that I made a decision to deal with situations differently, and it works.

    I used to run around after everybody in my family – was always the first person to turn to but I now realise that I didn’t want that to stop because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be needed anymore. I would willingly cancel my plans for them and became reliant on them needing me.

    I would like to share a passage with you from ‘The Prophet’ by Kahlil Gibran

    On Reason and Passion

    “Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
    If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at standstill in mid-seas.
    For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
    Therefore, let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;
    And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes”

    I hope this is as helpful to you as it has been to me.

    Be Mindful,
    Liveinthemoment

    August 1, 2015 at 4:08 pm #81027
    Anonymous
    Guest

    dear Andreea:

    You love your parents and your brother dearlyh. You want the best for them. You hurt when they hurt. you will probably do just about ANYTHING if that something would help them. But that which they need- you cannot provide and it hurts, not only that they hurt but that your LOVE is not enough. It is so very disheartening, isn’t it, to know that you are incapable of imporoving their lives, isn’t it? That no matter how intensely you desire to improve their lives- you have failed, isn’t it? Your biggest dream, to help them has been shattered and it hurts.

    I know this dream I am writing about (is it your dream?)- and it broke my heart many a thousand times. My quest to rescue my mother from her misery almost killed me. It drove me to such intense pain and insanity that I had to change my dream.

    That was The Impossible Dream, for me. Impossible to accomplish. Dream another dream, one that is possible for you to fulfill. It is a dream that you need to accomplish, to make real.

    It is like you know already that you cannot make this dream come true so you are not motivated to put more energy into a losing proposition.

    Dream another dream.

    anita

    August 2, 2015 at 10:12 am #81065
    deepunk
    Participant

    Dear Liveinthemoment,

    Thank you for the passage. It has a strong message in it.
    Sometimes we forget what our passions and what our dreams are, because we get caught up in so many insignificant things in the daily life… and we forget what truly matters. That’s why it does help us sometimes to take a step back out of this situation and just try to listen to our inner voice.

    I did this in the past two days and I reminded myself that I can not make decisions for others and also that we can not help anyone if they do not want to be helped. Even if it hurts us.

    The thing that I need to do now is work on changing on the decision to not make a decision. I need to be responsible of myself again and start making decisions that will take me closer to where I want to go.

    Thank you so much for your message and support!
    deepunk

    August 2, 2015 at 10:20 am #81066
    deepunk
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for sharing. I am really sorry to hear that. I can fully understand what you mean. I have seen my mother fight the same demons in the last 5 years (and she’s been doing this for a even longer time).. but she can not seem to let them go. It’s like that is the only way she knows how to be. And it hurts to see her like this, but every time I try to explain and show her that she does have a choice to change the way she feels about certain things, she just does not believe it. And it hurts… it hurts so much to see the persons you love the most struggle with different situations and problems and there is nothing you can do, because they don’t want to be helped. They don’t realize that it is possible to change.

    I suppose it is important to show them that we are there and in case they ever decide they will change and need help, they can reach to us.. but other than that…

    Thank you so much for your support!
    Deepunk

    August 2, 2015 at 12:29 pm #81071
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear andreea:

    Don’t put your life on hold (indecisiveness is such hold), waiting for your mother to reach to you, waiting to fix her and then attend to your life. Attend to your life, focus on your life, not on any family member’s life. Your job is to attend to your life, not to fix another’s. No matter how strongly you desire, you have no such ability. If you had such ability, her life would ALREADY be fixed.
    anita

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