love my boyfriend but have constant doubts in relationship

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This topic has 10 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Omni.

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February 7, 2018 at 1:03 pm #191309

limbolady
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My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. He is my first proper relationship although we are both in our mid thirties. I was a slow starter in relationships due to fear of being stuck in a relationship I couldn’t escape.

A year ago I had just sorted my self-esteem out enough to decide that this was the year I would start dating. we’d been friends for a few weeks when he became the first person to ask me on a date. Initially after our first date I decided he wasnt right for me and said no to a second date. He was quite persistent (I would say he has guilt tripped me a few times) he said just to give him a chance he just wants to be a good man, so after a shakey start to the relationship (me breaking it off twice then feeling a pull back to him) we have made it this far.

I love him but I have constant daily doubts that this may not be the right relationship for either of us. I have told him this a few months ago and it breaks his heart so I have kept my thoughts to myself but they are getting more persistent as he has asked me to move in with him in 4 months.

We get on like best friends, I feel like he completely gets me and I him. We share a love of the outdoors, he makes me laugh, we have similar goals for the future, he supports my creativity and he comforts me when I feel sad. I have been there for him too when he has struggled, I try to be there for him and be a loving girlfriend. I feel like I have shown belief in him, in his good heart when others thought he was just an aggressive jerk.

I think my doubts in the relationship stem from some major red flags that showed up at the beginning of the relationship. I saw him lose his temper violently with furniture ( I have to say though I have done this when I have been very stressed but I don’t do it in front if people)

I have heard him frequently speak cruelly to his ex (although they were both as bad as each other) the way he has spoken to his father just doesn’t sit right with me, he yelled and swore down the phone at him for a simple disagreement.

I know his background is a lot more colourful than mine, he saw his parents be verbally and physically abusive to each other, he’s had very damaging relationships with his exes where they were both abusive to each other. And perhaps because of his past he has been into drugs, he smokes and likes a drink.

I explained my concerns early in the relationship and he has gone out of his way to smoke and drink less and he says he just wants to be a good man.

I feel guilty because he cannot do enough for me. he’s very loving, romantic and generous and in a lot of ways would be any girls dream. I just can’t shake the doubts I have about his past will his agression resurface? I wish I could love him enough to push these doubts away.

I wonder if it’s other things as well that are causing me doubts. We have different attitudes towards alcohol. Although I drink a little, his best friends always drink a lot, we have been out together and they are great people but I don’t want to gradually become a different person. He has made it clear he doesn’t want me to change and he likes that I don’t drink a lot. I just worry because alcohol plays such a large part in his family and friendship gatherings.

Also our libidos are slightly mismatched. I wonder if it’s due to my concerns about the relationship but I find I would much rather snuggle than have sex and he wants sex much more frequently than me, he’d be happy with twice a day! Where as I never really feel like sex until in the act. We have currently settled on about 4 times a week but I could honestly go with a lot less.

Dispite all this I love him for the beautiful soul he is. Love seems cruel sometimes I feel like this relationship needs to end but I don’t want to break either of our hearts or give up what might be a relationship and connection that neither of us will find again.

Some of my friends say just end it and some say I’d be having doubts in whatever relationship I was in.

Does anyone with more life and relationship experience have any advice or thoughts?

February 7, 2018 at 2:52 pm #191363

Mark
Participant

limbolady,

You have wrote he is:

1. Has a violent temper , physically (with furniture for now) and verbally (with his father)

2. Speaks poorly, cruelly of others (of his ex)

3. Others think of him as an agressive jerk

4. His and his friends relationship with alcohol is more liberal than what you are comfortable with

5. How often and what kind of sex is not in sync

Ultimately you want to end this relationship but what is keeping you from doing that is your fear of not finding someone as good.

You are in your mid-30s and this is your first “real” relationship. I would say that this is a good one to practice with. You got to know a good guy who is not right for you. This is good growth and awareness.

You can love someone without being lovers. He sounds like a best friend rather than a long term romantic relationship.

My guidance is to ask myself, am I acting from fear or from love (especially love for myself)? That makes it simple for me to make life decisions.

Mark

February 7, 2018 at 10:34 pm #191355

Diana
Participant

Hi

I have registered with tinybuddha just to write a piece of advice. I have been in your situation before, where that nagging voice keeps creeping up in your psyche telling you this one is not for you, but you keep scanning the environment and logically are unable to comprehend why you’d want to leave such a wonderful person. This thought will not leave you, ever and unless you leave now, you will have spent the next five years battling your own inner thoughts.

You are doing both yourselves a disservice by staying because you’re scared of hurting him That is the nature of life, we hurt people but you deserve to be in a relationship where it simply feels right. Do you want to spend the next 5 or 9 years doubting and draining your energy away? There have been scientific studies that clearly show that relationships between non drinkers and drinkers are not successful in the long run. Listen to that little voice in your head that keeps telling you to pay attention to your body. Find a relationship that is right for you – after all you have only just started exploring! There is no guarantees that turning left or right is the better option, but all you can do is do your best. What is truly yours will not be withheld from you. Take a leap of faith. You know you want to.

February 8, 2018 at 5:07 am #191437

limbolady
Participant

Thank you Diana for taking the time to register to give me advice I appreciate that a lot.

Thankyou too Mark You have both given me a lot to think about I think I know what I need to do I just need to have the courage to make and carry through with this decision.

February 8, 2018 at 5:25 am #191443

Anonymous
Guest

Dear limbolady:

I think you should incorporate another element to your decision making and that is your motivation to not “get stuck in a relationship (you) couldn’t escape”-the motivation you mentioned in the second line of your original share. This has been a powerful motivation in your life, one that kept you single, not in a relationship, until your mid thirties.

Taking into account this strong motivation, I agree with the friends who told you that you will “be having doubts in whatever relationship (you) were in”.

The behaviors you described on his part, wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me, that is, if he didn’t break furniture in your presence more than once and then promised not to do it again.. keeping his promise. And if upon your recommendation, he stops verbally abusing his exes on the phone, or anyone.

Would you like to elaborate on the motivation, to not get stuck… was that a result of you having been stuck in a relationship before ( not with a boyfriend clearly, since you didn’t have one before)?

anita

February 9, 2018 at 5:30 am #191597

limbolady
Participant

Thank you for your thoughts Anita I really appreciate it.

I think I find it difficult to leave situations which I feel are no longer right, when perhaps someone else would just move on. I wanted to leave college after the first year because I though it was leading nowhere and my job of 9 years and counting I find knocks my selfconfidence everyday because I find it difficult to give advice to juniors and make informed decisions incase I make the wrong decision. It has meant a very stunted career. Its like decision paralysis or something. Its like my whole life is stunted somehow. I come from a religious background (sadly I lost my faith at 18) I think I am now responsible for my life path and not fate or a higher purpurse but I have no faith in myself. I remember when I was a kid thinking I would have to get a job where there was no responsibility because I wouldn’t be able to make the right decision.

In regards to relationships. I was always taught that you shouldnt lead a boy on and that relationships were long term. I also have a recurring nightmare of marriage and I’ve always been adverse to having children in case I messed their lives up somehow.

I have read on another site about people who are too passive in their lives, which causes indecision, procrastination and self doubt. I am also reading feel the fear and do it anyway..

My boyfriend and I both have self esteem issues which I think we provide comfort for in each other. The difference is I have got used to being on my own and my boyfriend feels he can’t be alone. I think I have felt swept along in this relationship with him always wanting to take it to the next level and spend a lot of time together whereas I’d have prefered a bit more alone time. But I do enjoy the time I spend with him and we communicate we’ll regards our different needs etc. I guess there is no wrong or right answer in this.

February 9, 2018 at 7:14 am #191613

Anonymous
Guest

Dear limbolady:

You are welcome. After reading your most recent post I feel more confident that indeed you will “be having doubts in whatever relationship (you) were in”, just like some of your friends said.

As long as there is an imperfection in a man, an imperfection in his friends, any imperfection, there will be doubts. And, no doubt in my mind… there is no perfect man out there.

The fear of making the wrong decisions, no easy way to resolve this fear, or any other fear that is significant and persistent. This fear leads many to religions that provide strict rules on what to do and what not to do. But you lost faith in that external power, god, to know what you should do or not do.

I suggest starting small and building up this skill, of making good choices. Accept imperfection in your choice making and aim at making progress. Start small, with decisions that don’t carry much of a consequence in your life, as in choosing what to wear in the morning, whether to do laundry today or tomorrow, such small choices and make them thoughtfully. Pay attention to how your choosing materializes, how it serves you and how it may not serve you. For example, if you didn’t take a jacket with you on a cold day, make a mental note to take one the next day.

Make thoughtful small choices and over time, you will feel more confident in making bigger choices.

anita

February 9, 2018 at 7:18 am #191615

Mark
Participant

limbolady,

You said about being talk about relationships is that they are long term and you shouldn’t lead someone one. Once I realize that I can questions my “shoulds” in life, i.e. to be mindful and question my beliefs that are inculcated by my parents, teachers or society around me. I find that most of these shoulds do not fit me, that I need not blindly do or follow them.

I can understand that you find it difficult to leave situations that are no longer right for you. That seems to be common for most of us for inertia is a powerful force. It first take awareness of it not working for you as well as self-love to care for yourself. It also takes courage to make the change.

Where are you now with this relationship?

Mark

February 9, 2018 at 10:47 am #191705

limbolady
Participant

Anita I take the decision making exercises on board.when I think about it… a lot of my day to day ‘decisions are actually forced by time or necessity ie leaving washing till there’s nothing left to wear so although these small things seem inconsequential I can see how being mindful of the very small decisions will help me in the bigger things.

Mark what you have written has resonated with me especially what you said about acting from love and not fear. And also having courage. I hope if we do end I can do it with as much kindness as possible and I hope he will find someone who will bring him confidence in himself and joy. I do love him.

February 10, 2018 at 8:49 am #191789

Anonymous
Guest

Dear limbolady:

I hope you practice this mindfulness every day, consistently, being patient with the process and gentle with yourself as you practice it imperfectly (always the case, the imperfect practice of mindfulness).

Your last few words is that you “do love him”. It read to me when I read your posts earlier, that he loves you too. I hope you can… practice that love as well, the two of you, and help each other. Practiced love is very helpful to the individuals involved.

anita

February 11, 2018 at 11:53 am #191915
Omni
Participant
Dear Limbolady
I recently left a very toxic relationship of 2 years.
When I met my boyfriend he came across as very calm and ready with himself kinda guy. That was what I were attracted to in him. As time went by I started to see signs of insecurity with his behavior towards me, like him trying to suppress me with the silent treatment and not responding to my message for hours. When we had arguments he usually shut down all communication and went for a walk for hours. Eventually I were the one who apologized for everything and the only one to try to patch things up. This of course took a toll on my self confidence and my energy levels hit rock bottom. What I would also would like to mention is that Im a strong and confident woman who can manage life by myself, meaning Im not in “need” of a man but would like to meet someone to share my life with of course. However as this relationship progressed it diminished and broke me down. In the end I were not able to see this clearly and I were only occupied and concerned with fixing us and him instead of me. The turning point came when he one weekend totally shut down all communication and texted me saying he needed time to think. This message came10 hours after I tried to call and text him several times but by then I were an emotional wreck. That weekend I started to google, “Toxic relationships,” “Is he good for me?”, ”He is draining me” and so on.… I read for hours and all at once I realized; I NEED TO TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY OF WHATS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. Im letting him treat me bad, Im letting him suppress me. I am responsible for allowing this behaviour towards me. So I broke up the relationship that following day and I don’t think I need to say how I feel now, but I will anyways. I feel great, I feel blessed and I feel very grateful. And Im already out there again dating and meeting new people who are or at least trying to improve themselves everyday and trying stay in contact with their emotions and so am I. Love to you all
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Omni.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Omni.
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