Back again after some weeks.

We’re still together, the visit here was fine overall. We argued sometimes, bickered etc but mostly it had a lot of love in – I felt genuinely sad to see him go, and he even said “I don’t want to leave”. We even discussed, albeit with the intention of doing so, him staying here instead of keeping with his studies.

I was a bit upset after he left, I can see in a way it was perhaps a bit like “how can he not have been utterly devastated!?” – he said that it’s easier for him as he starts a new year, goes back to his normal life, I had him in my normal life, and now am missing something (him), so naturally I’ll feel sadder as i’ve lost something. I understood him, he said when I had left him after my visit (nearly a year ago now), he’d stayed in his room for a week and cried a lot, while after i’d come back and I hadn’t really registered it at all. Yet, my mind made me think it was unfair!

I’ve remembered these past weeks (it’s been about a month since he went back) what you said before about how I struggle to believe i’m loved, and I think it’s a bit of that. The classic psycotherapy trick – what’s the evidence? – doesn’t really hold true. He still calls every day, and has gotten upset that it’s always him calling me (I wait for him to call, always). I’m planning to go visit him in July, only a couple months away, and he wants to come visit me again in December – six weeks earlier than last time, so i’d be with him nearly three months.

We’ve had some arguments, heated conversations etc and i’ve been the one asking him if he wants to break up – which he always responds to incredulously as if the notion is absurd. I think it’s a bit of defensive “pre-empting” on my part, because every time I say it, I don’t really mean it. Even so, I put these arguments down to simply being in a phase where the honeymoon period has faded a bit, we’ve seen each other and liked it a lot but then now we’ve had to be apart from one another again. I think I resent the distance a bit – maybe him too? (how dare he, really, not be sad about it!).

I think the reason for posting again is mostly myself. I don’t really doubt his intentions, I doubt… myself? Or my intentions? Sometimes, I wake up and think it’s all fine, how marvelous it is. Then I think it’s all foolish and i’m being utterly naive and delusional, or that he is. I remind myself i’m still supporting him, and I think that causes a big resentment because I feel it causes an uneven balance – I feel like he owes me, even though I’m fully aware that that’s a very unhealthy attitude, and I don’t actually think he does. But, when I get frustrated, that voice is there “gosh, Ben, and you’re paying for this!?” . I never tell anyone I am.

I worry about the time too. Distance can be fine, but 4 years of this? He’s in Argentina of all places, one of the worst places to try and move to and get a job right now, even if I did it would barely support us. I feel I made decisions that were all because of love and emotion and feelings. And now the reality of the situation has hit and i’m totally lost.

I love him, easier and more openly than anyone else, and I believe he loves me too. I don’t want to give up something that feels this good and that can come along so rarely. But I think a part of me is really doubting if it can really work, keep working, if it can last. The hardest question keeps cropping up – do I want this? I never know if I have a real answer.

4 years is a long time. But even then, husbands went to war and all was fine afterwards… I don’t know what to believe. I think I can do it, then I doubt it’s all worth it. I think since he’s gone back it’s become a bit more normal for him in general – as we now know a decent amount about each other, the conversations have gotten a bit samey “How was studying” – “How was work”. I don’t mind that but then sometimes we just sit and don’t talk much. My mind is screaming “what’s the point of this?!” – I worry if that’s a sign it’s not worth it anymore. I ask myself “What is this adding to my life?” – security, the knowledge that someone loves me. These are important, even the daily call shows someone cares about me. But I don’t know… I worry it’s just all about “the future” – which is a long way off. The day to day? I don’t know.

I’ve tried several times to mention it to him, I say how hard I think it will be – he just says something like “gosh, I hope these years pass quickly”. He is very optimistic, but I resent him for that response because it just seems naive to me. He reminds me he had some other long-distance relationship that lasted a couple of years and “that was fine” – but that was different time, people – that time he and the other partner at least lived in the same country. I feel like he just prefers to not think about it – a cultural failing, Brazilians prefer to think that negatives just don’t exist if you don’t think about them – but I can’t do that.

As an aside, even beliefs seem to get on my nerves. I think I said before he’s very religious (grew up in a small town in the interior). It being Easter of course is a more religious time, and he said any children he cares for will go to church with him. I’m not intolerant of other beliefs, but that really irritates me. His whole attitude this Easter has irritated me – I just find it so… frustrating! Especially when he’s in a gay relationship and doesn’t see any issues with being a whole hearted defender of Catholicism?! I tried today as gently as possible to talk to him about it, he said oh it’s about love thy neighbour, the church is just men and not necessarily representative. So why believe in all the other stuff? Why not just have your own relationship with God if it’s so important? Maybe it’s my Anglo-Saxon disposition – the US and UK have created so many other forms of Christianity, maybe it’s actually just a cultural thing and i’m sorta misinterpreting it.

Hi Anita

I’m inclined to agree, to the extent I could almost hear your response as I was typing it!

Yesterday I could tell in the call with him he was starting to bear some resentment towards me because of my constant gloominess as of late. Having borne much myself to many people I could see the signs straight away. He said sometimes its like trying to fill in a hole that is impossible to fill. Or leading a thirsty man to water yet he refuses go drink. Having borne much myself to many people I could see the signs straight away. Towards the end I said that this mood between us was creating distance between us, he agreed.

I think the problem is that even though I’m trying to deal with it maturely sometimes, like saying “I think this is pushing us apart” – not arguing or shouting it at him – it’s still almost like, as you said, a part of me refuses to accept love. Sniffing around like a dog trying to find the break up line. Rather than find a solution or a resolution (or even just let these feelings go!), where I don’t keep opening up this topic for the millionth time, I just find another reason to keep the doubt and anxiety alive. So much so that now he is actually getting annoyed!

I can tell he’s getting tired of my (persistent) bad moods. It’s a toxic cycle we find ourselves in. My day to day is fine but the calls are now fraught (for me), will I disappoint him or will I purposely interpret something negatively?

I find it ironic (though painfully) that in my last relationship with someone unattached, distant etc I had infinite patience and always had explanations. Yet with this guy who I love and has shown he wants to commit etc (he even chose all his classes as morning classes this term because we call in the evening!), I’m constantly trying to pick it apart. Like when a cat gets stuck in something and pulls its head back, wriggling, I’m constantly doing that – allergic to just going with the flow.

So too is it ironic about faith. As my therapist said, no one is obliging him to be with me. Yet I’ve gotten to the point of saying “Oh you want to break up then?”. The reality I have with him calls for a leap of faith, in a way but its like I’m “protecting myself” from that. But whenever was love about protecting yourself from it?

I will admit that I think he doesn’t quite know how to handle depression. He will say things like reminding me I haven’t gone to the gym. Things that realistically aren’t a criticism but for a sensitive mind will instantly be forwarded to the “reasons why he hates me” department. I think that partially explains my defensive stance in calls as of late… which just adds to the cycle. We start a call and I’m stone faced, he sees that and that lowers his mood. I’ve had it the other way… a depressed person doesn’t make for great conversation. I was reading about depression and relationships, and sure enough the other often feels desperate after all their attempts to help come to nothing and this can turn into anger and resentment. I can see that’s exactly what’s happening. This too provokes worry! Even though the solution could easily be “take a breath, think of how nice it can be, and has been”, – letting go of these constant tests or doubts –  instead of trying the solution for a while, the mere fact I’m here means I must doubt the entire relationship. Something he says he’s never done.

Perhaps there is a prospect that it’s no longer working. But I think what frustrates me is that I’m not giving it my best shot. Not like “Oh only i was wrong, it’s all my fault”, he could have a better attitude. But my anxieties have been winning and getting the better of me. I don’t want to end something because of that, because that would be an utter waste. Though as I write this I think of all the people who write these things with eternal optimism and then, a few pages later, “we broke up”… but then again… is that me being pessimistic again? ! Ahh!

Its like I don’t know what’s valid. What feelings are valid. Part of me says ahhh just chill out, he’s still there. Another part is constantly adding things to a list, constantly saying “you’re ignoring signs, it’s so obvious”. I have no idea where to draw the line. AHH

Definitely is a good fit for my mother, and for me. I think her constant suspicion of my father, and blaming almost everything on him, did do a number on my ability to trust people. It seemed he was constantly betraying her, undermining her and by extension, me. I think only in the last couple of years have I seen both of them objectively – my father included.

Profoundly cynical view of others and the world – me and my mother – in different ways. Her’s is much more deeply suspicious,  I try to forgive the world or “bite the bullet” and dive in to see if it really will betray me. But I think sometimes the hypervigilance mentioned in the next line after this kicks in and i’m creating the betrayals.

They tend to be aloof, cold, distant, argumentative, and frequently complain – I think this perhaps fits me better than my mother. In social contexts I was constantly like this for many years, my only lines were complaining about my father, or how bad everything was/is. Frequently complaining – unfortunately a large number of people have told me I do this, including my boyfriend (where I think it extinguishes his very optimistic attitude and leaves him feeling almost depressed after “talking to me” – where sometimes it’s just me on a tirade against petty little things).

They may appear guarded and secretive, very rational, logical, and unemotional, but at times will be sarcastic, hostile, and rigid – yes, again. For me this is 100%, I am guarded with him, when I think about it. I still don’t fully consider myself to be in a relationship with him, almost regarding it as a cynical ploy – something might happen (not will, but might, based on the past) – therefore, act like you don’t care. This means I make sarcastic jokes all the time with him, almost mocking his commitment to me. Rather than it being the odd poke in the ribs about something, it’s nearly everyday a “joke” reminding him of his past errors. Rational, logical – yes, these too. I wonder sometimes if I’m autistic in someway with the sort of coldness I treat him and others. I empathize with them, but sometimes outright say that this idea someone has is stupid. Not with friends or acquaintances – but with my boyfriend, yes.

They will be highly critical of others, but will respond to criticism of themselves with hostility or defensiveness… Again, yes. Since I was a child, criticism was a hurtful experience, I could barely take any – it still hurts to do so even to this day. And of course, I am very critical of others, in certain contexts. I managed to let some of it go and don’t care as much about people in general (as in, caring about criticizing them), but again, I can easily criticise my boyfriend to his face.

will interpret ambiguous or benign remarks as hurtful or threatening – yeah, very often. I think i’ve had to actually learn that often it’s not the case and people are just joking.

Grudges, goodness! I hold them against anyone. I have ammunition to fire away at anytime. I never let it go. Sometimes I manage to, in the conversation perhaps, but then it will reappear the next time my temper is raised.

Knowing this, I wish I could let some of it go, but how? I should be making the changes to remove these. I’ve spent an awful lot of time alone – especially after the pandemic, and I think these unfortunate habits haven’t been properly challenged. My previous therapist never said anything in sessions other than hello and goodbye (another waste of money!). When it was just me it was fine but I can’t treat someone i’m in a relationship with this way – especially how I am now, acting as if it’s his problem!

They do resonate, I had wondered sometimes if I had BPD. A friend of mine knew someone diagnosed with it, and she (the friend) said how they were talking about people in a very positive way, then something happened and instantly they were untrustworthy, horrible, a snake etc. I think I can see some characteristics of me doing that too, perhaps more so than my parents. Not that I’m not in control of such behaviours, but the emotional forces behind them overwhelms me easily. Rather than have a reaction, let’s say, and simply choose to act on that or not, I become overwhelmed with vengence, or betrayal or some such emotion.

At the same time my reactions remind me of that of a child, where they in a way can’t handle their emotions/reactions and get into a bit of a state.

I think my mother never had these behaviours towards me, however, and so in that way, it was lucky. We’re all on the spectrum for some disorder, maybe she is a bit further up than others. I think a strong dividing line is that she didn’t have this towards everyone all the time. She was fiercely protective of me rather than involving me in the great betrayal – along with my sibling, and her close friends – they were “in the circle”. I think her having a tough time when I was around 10/11 (a great deal of family issues amongst other things) led her to be this way. My father says she never used to be like this. Indeed as a young child I don’t even remember her saying stuff like that. It was only when I was a teenager that it really got worse – those years where my view of the world is formed, but some more important relationships are formed. Just as her view and experience of the world was worsening, mine was being cemented, and I was alone with her an awful lot. I maybe have a decent base but a lot of this paranoid thinking sprinkled on top. Nonetheless, I think seeing it in a frame of a disorder helps. At least to see it as “disordered behaviour”. I remember doing the same with myself previously – seeing, thinking and feeling when my behaviour (anxiety, let’s say) was perhaps leading me astray.

I think it can give me some hope, certainly in trying to recognize these thoughts as they arise. I keep remembering my therapist saying about how we “reproduce” the behaviours of those we live with (I think I said it a couple days ago). I can see more and more it’s a sort of hangover from that. I remember a time, when I was happy and at university, when I could be a good steward of my thoughts, and tell unpleasant/unneeded ones to go on their way. But now i’m a little more unstable/unsure of myself and that process is much harder. But, I think, to know that these thoughts that are so thoroughly unpleasant fundamentally don’t need to be acted/thought upon does help.

Returning to the relationship with my boyfriend, I have entered a sort of paranoia, but not over his trustworthiness, but over the impacts of my behaviour. I can sense he is a little more distant, sharing less with me. We reconciled mid-way through this week, then had an argument, over the stupidest, minor thing, on Friday. We sent audio messages after, I said i’m sorry and that in a way these don’t mean much to me. He sent one back saying the same, and that these things won’t kill his love for me. But gosh, I feel such a fool. I regret so much all the guarded behaviour, gatekeeping to my feelings, rolling my eyes at his attempts to create closeness – ignoring his calls when it wasn’t convenient for me, for example. He still calls of course.

Again, thoughts deceive me, I dont know if it really is water under the bridge for him, and now it’s an anxious attachment phase that i’m stuck in, going “is he really more distant?”. Even if he was, it would be understandble, and the best way for us to return to a normal baseline is for me to reduce the intensity of my emotions and let it come back naturally. I can’t just constantly seek reassurance after causing a minor rift.

I’m writing this and remembering what you said a couple days ago, that the inner child is dominant in me. I see some sort of childish behaviour here too. I remember sometimes I could be very insistent as a child, determined and willful, but this clashed with my parents who were just the same. Sometimes it would annoy them, but they would also react like a child – they wouldn’t ignore me, but they wouldn’t offer reassurance sometimes, it would be something that haunted (haunts) me to this day. This seeking reassurance from my boyfriend reminded me of this. But it’s like i’m determined to hear him say it again and again until I feel better. If I don’t here it, it means I have killed out relationship and all those bad things will come true.

But in reality, maybe just acting like normal, waiting for the daily call etc, is fine. Maybe I don’t have to try and ring him as soon as he is free, desperate for reassurance. But then, he was always so communicative and now he’s quieter, which he says is because he’s studying. I worry if I give him space this will become the norm and I will have lost a part of him, so instead i’m desperately trying to explain myself to him…