Yes, sorry! He is the love interest. The boyfriend/ex is the other guy.

Hi Anita

It’s been an interesting time, for sure.

The first week back “together” was very weird for me. It was what I had wanted, but I realised all the trust I had for him before, that was so implicit, was now all in doubt. I didn’t know if I believed him, trusted him, if it was both or neither or just one.

I realised it would be a journey to trust him again, and that felt natural. It was only a few days after starting up again. He was showing the right signals. He said he would gingerly break up with his now ex, and was calling me everyday.

But still, it felt a little weird. As I had said to him, for him it was a moment of clarity to realise how he felt about his ex and about me. A “lightening” moment. For me… it was a bit like “oh… I had thought I would be over the moon”. I realised I was now much more protective of myself and guarded. I noticed that while I felt the same deep down, in my heart etc, up at the mind’s eye I was slow to get back into it, perhaps slower than I expected. I worried I wouldnt be able to love him again for a while, but that did pass as we re-connected.

We’ve been mostly ok since then, he is going to “formally” finish it with his ex with a conversation, though he has some finances wrapped up with him for a while which he told me about. A couple of credit cards etc. I understand that and that that area means they will have to communicate for a while.  He said he felt a bit sad about it because after all, it was someone he was in communication with everyday. But still, he is open about all of it with me.

I think though that there is now an insecurity in me that I didn’t have before. That implicit trust I had with him before, ironically seeing as he was actually in a relationship, has sort of been toned down. I find myself doubting him with no evidence. I find myself seeing only negatives or doubts or worries rather than a balanced view. Not always, and of course, it doesn’t overwhelm me, but I realise I am fighting these more than before. It doesn’t overwhelm me, it is not my default mode. But they are sneakily there in the background sometimes.

What also doesn’t help is he seems to get nervous when I mention that, just as it was hard to “leave” him, it was also sort of hard to get back together with him. I try to explain to him that it is just a matter of rebuilding trust (hard to gain, easy to lose) – but I think his insecurities get the better of him and he gets nervous and impatient. A few days ago he took it quite hard and thought I was saying I didn’t love him anymore.  I reminded him that I could quite easily have told him where to shove it if I had indeed not loved him. His insecurities don’t overwhelm him either, I manage to reassure him most of the time. In fact, usually these conversations start off a little defensive or confrontational, but we nearly always gravitate naturally towards making each other laugh again, which I hope is a good sign.

I think for him it was a “lets just pick up where we left off” and he didn’t quite realise that it was the start of yet another process for me. My anxieties sometimes get the better of me but I do manage to take control before confronting him with them and try to evaluate them and turn them into something constructive.  Still they do get the better of me sometimes and I find myself just sending silly doubts and embarrassing myself. I feel like that is not my default mode with him, it’s a little bit of that anxiety, helplessness and longing from our time apart running out of me and craving his attention, in what is an otherwise fairly healthy communication pattern. I hope it can be resolved as it frustrates me.

I’m struggling a little with where to draw the line on some things with him.

For example, we usually call at about the same time each day. Today he left the library and said “heading home”. I got prepared and then he said “Oh we’re going to the bar to have a drink” with his classmates.

I think the feelings and thoughts I had in reaction to this tell a lot.

One view of it was “Oh, OK, sure, you have your life there. You aren’t doing this all the time and that’s fine. I’ll probably miss a call once in a while too if I’m visiting friends or family. No biggie between to adults”.

The other view “Oh he knew we call at that time and yet he decided to go and have a drink? He doesn’t care about me. I am not his priority”

Another week, he’d been studying with friends (it’s always on a Saturday my anxieties explode). I embarrassed myself with how anxious I got that he was fine with (just for that one day) not having a call. Apparently the 6 other days that week, where he called me and we talked in each one for at least 2 or 3 hours… that left my mind. I got so upset he left early to come home and phone me. As soon as he said he was leaving I felt such a fool and so embarrassed.

So today this happens, he goes and has a drink, sends pics, says he’s talking about me.

I naturally felt sad I wouldn’t get to call him today, I’d travelled to France to see my parents and had wanted to talk about it so maybe that added an extra layer of emotion.

But I think that was then picked up on by my longer running anxieties. Of not really being loved but by it being an illusion.

I think I link things together and create perhaps plausible but not necessarily helpful situations. He’s impulsive but not completely ridiculous but then I use that in my head to create the idea that he doesn’t really love me he’s just saying it cos it feels good or something. Even though… he calls all the time etc.

I worry too that I have the potential to almost turn into his ex when my anxieties get the better of me. I see myself sulking and sending big-bottom-lip passive aggressive comments and go “what are you doing you maniac?!”. Yet I also sometimes feel I have to say it? Even though as i see myself type (i only act like this in texts, never video calls) I know its not the right thing to do. But, it’s as if I am taking charge, almost… but really that sort of beahviour sets a course to slowly lose control.

Thanks Anita, and for you too!

I was thinking to write here the other day.

I’m finding doubts are becoming quite pernicious. The other day I argued with him about what happened with his ex, perhaps I got into the range of asking questions I’d never want to know the answer to. At the work Christmas party two female colleagues were talking about their husbands who left them. Maybe this triggered me, and I asked him “Did you have sex with him when he was there?! “. I’m not sure what my plan was there, if he said no I’d still have doubted him and if he said yes I’d have felt betrayed… even though this all happened 4 months ago now. The wound is still healing and I guess it’s normal to flare up every now and then.

Still, I was talking to another friend about him, a friend who had always been a little skeptical about him. My fills me with doubts, saying I am being deceived, led on, that I am being naive. If all the drama with thr ex happened, how could I have been loved? It makes me feel like the guy I’m in love with is just enjoying me.

Maybe some of my own doubts and reservations mingle in the midst of this too. I sometimes wonder if he really does love me or if perhaps he thinks he does. He says the right things, and I feel better. Then, doubt comes along and I start thinking “Oh but did he say this to the other guys?”. He tells me no, that I’m the first person where he feels jealousy and somewhat possessive. He said before his ex would try to provoke jealousy by hanging out with other guys, but he wouldn’t care. With me he says it drives him crazy when I even mention it.

Still, love isn’t jealousy, of course. At the moment, he is coming to visit in January for a while. He’s midway through the winter break, visiting family. I can sense he’s giving me less attention. I drive myself mad with this. “Of course, makes sense, he’s surrounded by family, on his grandparents farm, working and helping around. Obviously he won’t have his phone on all the time nor be available to talk”. Even so, he’s called me more or less twice a day for the last week. He sends videos every now and then showing me around the farm and countryside.

My mind focuses on the fact the calls are shorter. Then, enter the conspiratorial thoughts… ohhh he’s not talking as much because, now he isn’t alone in his room studying, he doesn’t need me anymore. This proves he doesn’t love me, merely thinks he does.

I don’t know what to trust anymore or what to believe. My friend seems to think its a classic case of someone defending a hopeless relationship, with what to him are incredibly unstable foundations. I find myself believing him and not believing him… my struggle to believe someone loves me working on the former, me being more “rational” working on the latter.

Maybe as its been a long time I feel a need to reconnect with him properly, without the ex lurking in the background. I hope the visit will help ease my mind somewhat.

Oh it makes a lot of sense Anita. It really does.

I’ve found myself agreeing with you, and the more rational side of my mind all the time. The fear overwhelms me somewhat.

I maybe have a lot of pressures…

One, I paid for his flight… maybe i’m feeling like “he’s got me wrapped around my finger”. I feel foolish for doing so, yet it wasn’t some big gesture I made to try and make him closer to me. I wanted to see him, he wanted to come see me, and well, we know he doesn’t have any money. I’m living at home with parents so what difference does it make. He’ll be here 6 weeks, if I visited him while working we’d have only 2 weeks together was my thinking. But gosh I feel so embarrassed to admit that, I haven’t told anyone, but in my mind I am conscious of it and it makes me so nervous. Does it need to make me nervous or anxious? I have no idea. I’d wanted to see him again and the time felt right, otherwise it would have been another few months.

Second… I was thinking today that I’m perhaps nervous about “what if it all goes wrong?” – he gets bored of it here, with me working, the gloomy winter weather… what if he’s just thoroughly bored of it all? Or i’m not able to spend time with him? Or, what if my anxiety takes over, and I start seeing things that aren’t there?! What if he wants to do something alone, and I interpret it as he’s bored of me and can’t wait to get home? What if that intepretation is right? Or wrong?!

I say this… and then try to deploy the technique “What’s the evidence?” – well… none really. He says he’s really excited about it, and just wants to spend all his time here with me, hugging me. A while ago he said “I don’t want to go and see anywhere over there, I just want to spend my time with you”. I work from home a few days a week, and he said “so while you work, I’ll study for my exam i’ll have when I get back” – so even when i’m working we’ll be together.

Another pressure: part of me perhaps worries about a repeat of last time – remember… my ex visited the same time of year (gloomy winter), I was nervous, clingy, insecure (in that case, 100% rightly!) and was desperately trying to revive a relationship that had already gone off bloom. He was already distant and aloof by the time of his visit – it was if anything a desperate attempt to give life to the relationship. This time? Well… I don’t really see any behaviour from his side that indicates he is ambivalent.

Yet… I worry so much! I tell myself all the time, there’s nothing wrong, nothing amiss. As you say, I end up creating something amiss in my head most of the time. He sends a picture of an ice cream he bought. It has two spoons in it. A totally meaningless fact…that to me might mean he’s with someone! I jokingly say “ohh two spoons” – he says he gets two cos one always breaks… Why must I constantly doubt? It’s funny for a while, at the beginning of a relationship, a flirty way of saying “please don’t see anyone else” – but I can sense in him it’s slowly getting old. “When are you gonna stop making jokes like that?” he asks me sometimes.

It’s horrible because… I know my fears don’t make any sense. Up until about 2 weeks ago, fears of all these colours would arrive, and I would show them on their way. Since he’s been visiting his family though, i’ve been wracked with anxiety. Is it perhaps the age-old problem of being jealous of your partner’s family? I was upset a little that he wasn’t talking as much as usual, but then… he hasn’t seen his family for nearly a year! Why would he spend hours chatting to me? Especially when, of his 9 weeks holiday, he’s spending 6 weeks with me! Yet there I am, stamping my feet demanding (in my head, not to him) that I am informed of everything he’s doing – but for what gain or purpose? None!

Gosh I read your capital letters ALERT. I remember now… hyper-vigilance. Somehow, i’ve booted my “hyperactive” anxiety – the panic mode.

This all started two weeks ago- He goes for a drink and forgets to look at his phone for an hour (After i’d not really talked to him for like 5 hours) – I get upset because he then wasn’t ready for our daily call when I was ready (eye roll emoji time!). Then the next day was my work’s christmas party and two women talk about their cheating husbands who walked out on them… just as i’m drunk – so I decide what happened between me and him is of similar calibre and have a long argument with him… for no real gain. Then he’s off to visit his family and we don’t have the normal pattern of communication… whereby usually I settle back into confidence with him.

What am I really worried about? I suppose my OCD tendencies and anxiety have ganged up on me a bit here. Mixed with the attachment issues it’s a wonderful party going on inside my amygdala ! I’m creating all sorts of negative opinions of myself, of him, of the future, and having to prepare myself for all. And then of course feeling a fool for doing so!

Instead of just… loving him?!

A long tirade ahaha. I am having therapy – a few months with a really good one, and slowly many revelations are coming through…