I was under the impression that you are still in love with him. Correct, ahaha.

no one keeps the same closeness/ distance with a friend or a romantic partner at all times. Sometimes we feel closer, at other times we feel distant, and all that’s in-between. This makes sense, yet we are now at conversations of a few words a day. The change is extreme, from immense talking to nothing.

An anxious person (fitting the Anxious Attachment Style) is overly sensitive to nuances in the tone of voice, facial expressions, writing style, etc., of a romantic interest, seeing temporary/ normal distance as threatening, when it is not. It no longer feels like a nuance but a very large, hard to avoid rock, at least in me. A part of me wants to know how it can be so easy for him to simply cut me off like this, if he did love me (or still does? he said he did, but where is the fear that I will simply disappear if he doesn’t talk to me?)

– you mentioned here and before that you expect nothing from him, but you do (rightfully, deservedly) expect something from a man: a real-life, committed and monogamous love story. And he is that man and the hope (which you mentioned above), at this point, isn’t he? He is. He very much is. I expect, I don’t know really. I suppose more contact.

Yesterday when I finally replied to him “but, i’m here, we can have a call whenever” – he simply replied with an emoji of a sort of punch-drunk face. I have no idea how to interpret it. Relief because he thought I was ghosting him and I’ve said i’m still happy to call? Like he’d been being cold because I was? I replied with a question mark, he never said anything more.

Today, again, barely anything. “I passed my exam”. I said well done. A few hours later, “thanks”. What does this mean exactly?! It’s barely a conversation, it’s not really “keeping a friendship” – he’s barely saying anything. I’m not sure if he’s saying all he feels he can say. I tell myself it’s because of his exams, which have now finished, but I doubt that.

I have no idea how to interpret his signals. Do I simply ignore and share mutual-interest related things all the time? Or do I give him space? Does he think i’m the one being distant? It infuriates me. It’s as if he is keeping distance, but then doesn’t. He didn’t request a call or anything, or even talk about it. Is that because he was just admitting “I miss talking to you, but that is reality now” or was he saying “I miss talking to you, let’s chat again”… ugh!

He obviously won’t be in love with me anymore…

I worry too I have misinterpreted and actually I really should act like it is gone forever. That he doesn’t love me at all anymore, or have any feelings at all. Or is that the anxious attachment?

On Wednesday gone he said good morning, and said “I want to call today” – I had therapy so decided against it. So it was yesterday we called.

It was surprisingly pleasant to start off with, he had a nice energy about him. We talked normally but about nothing deep.

He said his “OCD” about cleaning had gotten worse, I said “well, usually that happens when you are anxious about something else”. He hesitated slightly and said “yes, because of various things that have happened” – cautiously, I think knowing that we both knew what he meant.

Independent of what happened between me and him, he had his exams which finished on Monday, two elderly relatives in his family died, and he was robbed in the street a few days ago too.

Anyway, we talked a bit more about his stress. At one point he said “I’m missing you” – I said “in what way?” (our chats?) – He said “In everyway”. I forget the details but eventually he said “And… well… what do you think about me now?”

I explained, I don’t know what I think. I think everything and nothing, angry then sad, I understand him then I don’t, I understand myself then I dont.

I said “how was it so easy for you? even when he was there you never made a moment to talk to me even while you were still acting like you were with me. Since before I left until now, you have essentially lost nothing, your life hasn’t changed, I have lost something enormous”

He said that it wasn’t easy for him, but that he doesn’t really share his emotions or feelings with anybody, nor does he really introspect much either. He said he just finds himself crying sometimes and lets it pass, then moves on. He said “I thought it would be easy, to end it with him (the boyfriend), then I thought it would be easy to end it with you, but it was hard, and it is hard”.

He mentioned learning English, something I had been doing, I said “well, how are you going to learn now?” – sort of in jest, to see if he would ask if I was going to help. He started “well, I taught myself lots of things… alone” – and then covered his eyes and cried a little, saying “I feel so sad for all that could have been, that i’m not going to England to see you”.

We talked some more.

He said too that during that time with the visit, the exams, the relatives passing away, he had had absolutely no time to process anything. Then he was robbed in the street and had no spare capacity. After all of these passed, (i.e in the last 7 days or so) he had time to realise what had happened, what had gone on. He said he felt completely alone. “I have no one to talk to” he says, then I say “but you have friends, family” “hmm” he replies. “Or you can call me” – “Oh, that’s much better” he says when I tell him that.

Later he said “I was pretending it was easy to end it with you, but it wasn’t, it isn’t, and it won’t be. I was pretending to not have these feelings, telling myself I didn’t feel this way. But I still feel the same”. He also said “i’ve had other relationships that were easy to end, but this one is so hard to”.

He said “some feelings in life are like a rock, that no matter what you do, smash it with a hammer or whatever, they won’t disappear”.

So, I suppose that’s how he feels. He didn’t say the word love, but did make a heart symbol with his hands. He also went on to say “you’re the only person I feel safe to share my deepest fears with. I’ve never felt so comfortable to talk about my anxieties and worries with anyone else”.

A part of me was going “well, if you feel like this, why on earth is it such a hard choice to make between me and your toxic relationship!?!!?” but I didnt vocalise this.

So well, i’m not quite sure what to do next. He really is in a pickle hahaha.

We had another video call yesterday.

The energy started out a bit different. I noticed I felt very far away from him. He said he felt a lot better, but said “because of one man” – a part of it hoped it was me… but, he is religious and said it was “Jesus”… hmm. I think it was me because he felt better from our previous conversation. But, ok. That hurt me.

I said I felt far from him, he said “didn’t you listen to what I said yesterday? or did it go in one ear and out the other?”. I had, of course. I think I am someone who does stay in certain moods and emotions for longer, a little fixated. Maybe I should have waited a bit longer for another call with him, or maybe I should have tried to just focus on my life. I think I had gotten a little carried away based on that call from Thursday where he was very sincere and in this one, at least at the beginning, he seemed a bit like he was avoiding talking about anything “deeper”.

But then, of course, he’s not obligated to! I think there maybe my anxiety got the better of me (perhaps one coffee too many that day haha).

Anyway our conversation continued, I think I learned a bit more about it from his perspective. I said I had told my parents about it all (which shows growth from my previous thread!), he said “oh so they hate me now” – not really, my mother I think understands the nuances of the situation. My father has a simpler explanation “you were used, you were merely a f**k”. When I told him about this (I don’t actually think that deep down, again I think it’s an anxiety that I keep giving him to resolve) he was a little defensive about it and explained how he hadn’t etc.

He had constantly asked me, when we were “together”, “are you happy with this? do you want to continue? are you prepared to go through with this?” – he reminded me.  I had always said I was. I didn’t manage to say “well, I was because it was based on an assumption you would be able to end it with your boyfriend”.

He seemed sad again that he wouldn’t be coming to England. “Even if I had broken up and I was going there, I think my family would have thought I was using you for money”. He said his mother offers him all the support she can (though she can’t offer help financially), his father never gives him anything (his parents are divorced). I know his family is very important to him.

He asked me “would you, after all of this, still get back together with me?” – I said I have to be honest and that I would. He said he would too.

I think here I understood him more. He said all that happened between us happened so quickly, “we both lost control, we both knew the risks but did it because it felt good”. I said to him “well, for me, it is easy, it is 100% clear, I love you in a way I haven’t loved anyone else before. But, for you, it is complicated, you feel the same, I assume, but you have your whole life situation”

At one point he said “maybe our love story isn’t over”. I said “oh but the maybes the maybes. Maybe you will marry your boyfriend! But, I cannot force you to do anything”. Perhaps I reacted too quickly there. But I suppose the thought is seeded in his mind.

I said all that I had promised him was only a call away. That our future could still happen.

I said to him that “I think what we share is so special, it would be the saddest thing in my life to let it drift away or to simply keep it locked up in a cupboard”.

During this he had expressed agreement. He didn’t say he loved me, but he agreed with what I had said. I think I understood he had felt, concluded, that it was impossible for us to continue, because of his situation, and he was resigned to it. I did even mention to him “for me, when you say you feel this connection we me that’s so special, so different, how can it be so hard to choose!?” – but I quickly said “But, of course, I don’t know what’s in your heart, your head, I cannot force you, it is your own journey”. I “need” to know what his relationship with his boyfriend really means to him, but of course, I can’t really pry into that from my position.

When it was time to finish, he said it was a very good, productive conversation, with a lot of information. I think I learned that through this I will have to control my hope a little more, as it is so easily reinvigorated and so sensitive to what he says and what I think he is meaning when really I can’t tell.

I am lost and confused today. My anxiety worsened yesterday and maybe got the better of me.

I just don’t understand anything. How could he have chosen the other guy ?

On Saturday we had a nice phone call. Brief but a nice energy. I told him a friend of mine had moved to Madrid and that I was planning to visit him. “Oh you have time and money to visit him but not me?” Oh… he was jealous, and expressing it? I could tell from his expression it wasn’t a tease.

I then said I’d visit Brazil again, in jest, and he got jealous again when I mentioned seeing the guy there that I had been involved with.

So… apparently he still gets jealous?

At the end of the call, half out of habit, I said “I love you”. He blushed, scrunched up his eyes and then whispered into the phone “I love you”.

Oh…

On Sunday he was a bit quieter, visiting friends of his.

Then yesterday my anxiety grew, seemingly from nowhere. I’d had a terrible nightmare and was just feeling a bit down (on account of what has happened between me and him).

I said I was feeling down to him, he said focus on the good things in life. “I don’t have any”.

His reply “you have your visit here, your nephews”.

I asked if he meant “the one that’s happened?” – my hope overwhelmed me there and i had thought maybe he was referring to a future visit. I asked twice and he replied “is there a problem?”… um.. no?

I was confused… my visit there was something good? For me it’s ultimately brought heartbreak and a deep sense of confusion. I didn’t express it as such, I said it creates a sense of loss for what could have been.

His reply was that everything that’s good brings about that feeling.

I then perhaps lost myself. I said I don’t know what to say, what to do. I said I still love him, followed by some sad emoji. He replied with 3 sad face emoji.

I said I would have to forget everything. That i still have hope for us but it’s all an illusion, my love for him misleading me. He replied “I know how you are feeling”.

I said on Saturday talking about things gave me hope… but… “Oh what’s the point in talking  more”

“I don’t know”. I was terrified briefly. I said “really? You don’t want to talk to me anymore? You were so open and now so closed again, it doesn’t make sense”

“I was studying, of course I want to talk to you, haha, I’m going to do yoga”

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve with him anymore.

A creeping thought is that he indeed loves his boyfriend more than me. Or he thinks he does. But then, isn’t that me refusing to believe someone could love me genuinely? Being perhaps a bit sulky (a tendency I have).

Why oh why is this happening

When I said I love you too him, he didn’t smile. It was a sort of childish reaction really, he raised his shoulders and titled his head and scrunched his eyes. It didn’t seem uncomfortable.

He did smile! I saw that just now. He smiled like when you say to a child how pretty or big they are.