Hi Anastasia,

Your BF is The Lazy Lover! You have to ask to see him but you don’t want to have to ask nonetheless!

So (and I know this will kill you!) if you don’t contact him, I’m wondering how long it would be for him to contact you? Seriously, I’d be very curious!

After Christmas (when things in general quiet down) casually stop contacting him and be a lady-in-waiting until February. If he gets nervous and contacts you after that make sure you are dating another fellow. Say, “I never heard from you so I assumed you weren’t interested!” He’ll be all, “You could have called me anytime!” Then you be all, “I’m the girl in relationships and I’m used to guys chasing the girls! I don’t want you to be the girl in a relationship! Anyway, I’m going out with Steve now, sorry!”

Good Luck!

Inky

P.S. And lose the friend, I don’t trust her! Don’t bring her around your guy, you two already have problems!

* Dear Xymon: would you like to copy your post above and paste it into a new thread, your own thread? If you do, I will reply to you there.

Dear Anastasia:

You wrote that you are very feminine and your boyfriend is very masculine, and that in being so, you are opposites. You wrote that in the past he dealt  with, or had relationships with people similar to him and you had relationships with people similar to you (“people like ourselves”)-

I don’t understand what you mean by “very masculine” and by “very feminine”?

anita

Hi Anastasia,

I’m not sure all of Inky’s response is something you should follow – although I do agree with the “let him contact you” part. I think what she said about not contacting & saying “I thought you weren’t interested” is a little like playing a game & games can be dangerous & hurtful. I wouldn’t ask him “when can I see you” & I would wait for him to ask you. Make yourself busy with your friends or family, maybe even take up a new hobby, maybe the gym? That’s good for your mind & body.
I understand about those thoughts you have about previous relationships, I had them too!
Have you tried meditation? Especially the Headspace app? This trains our mind to realise that they’re just thoughts. Our thoughts can be so destructive & sometimes we don’t even know it! Yes it has happened in the past, yes it did hurt, yes it may happen again (no-one can guarantee it won’t happen again) but it hasn’t happened, so what are you protecting yourself from? If it happens deal with it at the time, your thoughts aren’t actually protecting you from anything, they’re actually damaging you & guess what…. only you can change that.

I also don’t trust your friend. I can pretty much guarantee you wouldn’t act like that around her boyfriend, it’s disrespectful to you as a friend & the longer you accept these behaviours she is presenting, the longer she feels she can get away with it. I’m not sure talking to her about it would solve anything as she seems to be the type of girl, from what you’ve said, that would either laugh at you, say horrible things to you, or tell you you’re being stupid for thinking such things. Unless of course, it is your brain going into overdrive due to the thoughts you’re having about him leaving you/cheating on you anyway, but only you can determine which of those it is.

What do you think?

Dear Anastasia:

Reads to me that you are panicking. Nothing to do with  being feminine or masculine. Reads like he is attentive and  loving toward you, no problems, really, except your anxiety creating a storm. First thing for you to do, I believe, is to relax. You have to calm down- the relationship is okay. You are okay. He  is  okay. Relax best you can.

Maybe a daily long walk will help, maybe daily exercise, a yoga  practice.

Your anxiety needs to be dealt  with, managed, contained.

anita

Dear Anastasia:

The  title of your thread is “Lost myself in  my relationship”- a correct title, reads to me.

There were times in your life that you were calm, correct? Now you are not. There were times you made sense, that you thought your brain is serving you well, correct? Not so anymore. And there were times, I hope, that you valued yourself, but now it is all about him, about whether he says goodnight too you on any one night or how often he calls  you.

This mindset is not working for you, it is working against you.

It is interesting, how you are so scared  of losing him when the real problem is, as your title indicates, that you already lost yourself! Having lost yourself, or being in the process of losing yourself, means you lost… everything that really matters.

If  you continue to lose yourself, the relationship is likely to be lost as well: besides the fact  that  you are  lost from the relationship, he is likely to lose, or continue to lose motivation to be in it. If you do complain to him about how often he contacts you or says goodnight, he is likely to lose motivation. Most people, maybe all, do not like to be micro-managed, every move they make or fail to make, being  pointed  out to them and criticized.

Being loved by another is not a right; it  is a privilege. You can’t demand it.

No one loves another all the time, feeling affection for another all the time. Everyone gets annoyed with others some of the times, bored at other times. Just like you cannot control the weather, making is sunny all the time, you cannot make him feel affection and a need  for you all the time.

Please do post again with your thoughts  and feelings and  I will reply further, if you would like.

anita

Dear Anastasi; I would also suggest dumping the friend. If this is a person that has betrayed you before and hurt you then it’s completely understandable that you feel like you can’t trust her. There’s a reason you feel like that, and if she hasn’t shown you that she is trustworthy or amended her ways then its best to just let her go, as she may cause more problems in the future.

If anything just don’t hang around her and your boyfriend at the same time.

As for the guy stuff, take a deep breath and focus on building your relationship with yourself. Cultivate love for yourself and do the things that once brought you happiness. Relationships can fall apart when people stop tending to their own needs and pour everything into another person. Just stop reaching out to him and let him come to you. Trust me it works.

Dear Anastasia:

1. Reads to me, from your sharing, that he is currently still interested in you and in a relationship with you.

2. It is not realistic on your part to expect his feelings and behavior to be always the same, to not change. Humans do not operate in such sameness, always the same. Even your anxiety, as persistent as it is, sometimes takes a break and you feel calm, for a moment or an evening… correct?

3. If this relationship lasts for your lifetime, assuming this is your hope, then you are not enjoying it being as worried as you are. So let’s say at 85, sitting with him in the back porch of some old house, on a reclining chair, you post on tiny buddha: this relationship, seems like it did last a lifetime but I was so anxious for all these decades that I didn’t enjoy it!

Anxiety is raining on your parade: it does nothing at all to help in any way, shape or form. It only damages.

4. Let’s say this relationship ends, let’s say he is no longer interested- your greatest fear at this point- what then? What happens then?

Waiting for your reply to #4.

anita