Lost and Hopeless

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This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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May 18, 2016 at 11:48 pm #105010

Felix
Participant

I just typed out a whole book and my freaking browser crashed =)

I won’t type everything over again, but I’ll try to explain and keep it short

I lost my job last month (Also lost my grandma and my wife, although wife came back). It was very tough.
When I got better, I started looking for work. I work in IT and don’t like it. It’s soul crushing, but it’s the only thing I know how to do.

I have two choices:
1. Find a job in IT that pays less than I made. Study non stop for a year. Get IT certificates. Get a better job, get more certificates, and eventually get serious cash. And then get fired in my early 50s ( I am 38 now ) because no one wants to work with an old fart when there are plenty of college grads and Indians willing to work for half my salary. I like technology, but IT (systems administration) is not a fun job.
2. Follow my dreams. I don’t have any dreams. My dream is to not work and instead have my own island where I can help all the dogs of the world, or something like that. I wouldn’t mind having my own computer consulting business, but that’s not realistic right now. I have to pay the bills. I would do almost ANYTHING else outside of IT, as long as it would pay the bills. But I don’t know what else I can do. All I know is computers

So each day, I sink lower, feel more hopeless, become more desperate. I hope and wish that something would come along and bam, I would know what to do. Some sort of random desire to do “insert desire or dream here” and I would pursue it. But nothing comes to mind. Nothing happens. Just more soul crushing emptiness and realization that IT is the only thing that’s going to pay the bills. I have to accept that, but it’s a catch 22, the more I accept it, the more I die. I feel like I am drowning. I have no one who could help me, talk to me about this, or even suggest something smart. My family is useless, my wife can’t help me. My dog is my only true friend. Everyone else just “chills” together.
I hope this is not forever. I can’t do this for too much longer
I am drowning in hopelessness. Why?

May 19, 2016 at 5:09 am #105012

Inky
Participant

Hi mnml,

Your real desire is to hang out (insert island metaphor here). OK, you may have to do IT for a while.

In the meantime, “find a guy” and invest your money. Have it grow over the years. DON’T touch the principal!! Let it sit and brew, slowly growing over the rate of inflation. DON’T touch it!!

Is it possible to rent out a room in your house? Renting things out is also a good money maker where you don’t have to “Do” anything.

Can you TEACH? Yes, the young guys may eventually replace you, but most people don’t know what they’re doing and would love to learn. Maybe you’ll fall in love with it again if you teach it.

OK, Just throwing suggestions out there…

Good Luck!

Inky

May 19, 2016 at 8:57 am #105043

Anonymous
Guest

Dear mnml:

Do you have children???

Can you elaborate on your relationship with your wife and on what you mean by “Everyone else just “chills” together”?

anita

May 19, 2016 at 10:27 am #105059

Felix
Participant

Thank you for responding Inky. I am not in a position to invest anything. I am in the process, or at least I was in the process, of paying down my debt. It’s not a lot, but I have to pay it down. And I live in Los Angeles, so cost of living it taking any money I had to invest. I couldn’t even do 401K because everything costs a lot more here. I am not worried about money right now so I am not going to let a stranger into my home. My wife and I have enough money to last until I find a job. My worry is not money right now. My worry is about my future and being happy in what I am doing.

I can’t teach =) I have no patience for teaching. Believe me, I’ve thought about everything. All possibilities, but I honestly know two things and two things only, technology and politics. And I can’t get a job in politics without a degree. That’s where I am stuck, in terms of what to do next

Anita, we don’t have kids. My mom loves me, but couldn’t give a shit about my situation right now. My dad is in Israel with his family and while he also loves me, he gives even less shit about me. I only have two grandmas left and they love me more than life itself, but they can’t help me at all because they are pretty old already. My wife helps as much as she can, but she is not very ambitious. She could have really helped me if she was making more money. That was we could use her income while I studied full time and got my computer consulting business going. But we can’t because her salary won’t even cover the rent, the cars, the bills, and the food.

And what I meant by “Chilling out” is that I have a good circle of friends. We are all on the same level, but most of them are just friends during good times when we hang out. Most of them are very decent people, but almost none of them would help me in a tough situation. This is the reality of the American life. I was born in USSR and had absolutely the best childhood ever. Everyone cared about everyone else and people helped each other in tough times

May 19, 2016 at 3:10 pm #105089

Evan
Participant

Hi Mnml,

I hear you loud and clear! I also do System and Network Admin, and the disconnection that is derived from staring at a screen is crushing. Convincing yourself that you are helping others, when really your day is problems and solutions oriented, not discussing, and sharing ideas. We long to be part of a community, but the more we open ourselves to it, the more integrated into IT we become, and more disconnected the result is because screens do not talk back in the way our hearts need.

I have accepted this as it is, but the path is not easy. For instance (you may have had similar) I go to a bbq with some friends, and I get a tap on the shoulder, “Hey mate, my PC is playing up, can you have a quick look?” Like a quick look ever happens in the personal PC realm……. So I am working on the computer whilst everyone socialises because you can not just leave a mess once you start the ‘fix’ process. Then everyone knows I can do IT….. really well…… so when invited to any of those friends place, it is not for a social visit, but an underlying need to have their PC fixed.

Random call from a work colleague, “Hey, hows things, do you have a sec?” Wow….. a friend….. cool…. Nope, just more IT help

As you very well know….. I could go on…..

My choice was to look within. Why do I feel lonely? I am helping others, and this is a worthy existence, so surely I ‘should’ be feeling great! Fixing an issue in minutes, when a staff member has spent hours on it, and the gratitude from that ‘should’ make me feel on top of the world. Why is this soul crushing? Why am I disconnected? Why am I not valued? Why can I not socialise like others, and seemingly gain their acceptance, and company in a genuine manner?

I realised within myself, that I was disconnected from myself. I did not accept me. I did not value my existence. My best friend in the whole world that I have known from the moment I was conscious was not talking back, and sharing inn my life. I had shielded my heart, and I no longer loved myself for so many reasons…..

Your external world is a reflection of your inner world. You can only recognise what you understand within.

IT makes you go into your head – disconnecting your heart for most of the day. So I thought back then…..

My marriage was failing for a number of years, when I realised this internal truth. I ended up divorcing, however I found me again. I found that path leading to my heart, and began trimming the shrubbery that lay over it. I disciplined myself to travel that path everyday, and learn to love myself again. Still going in fact……

It is not your job…. I can assure you. This does not mean you need to consider another occupation, but what you feel, is what you now need to look at, accept, explore, and find out why you abandoned yourself. You are you not loving yourself?

I sense we will be writing more 🙂

Best

Evan

May 19, 2016 at 3:43 pm #105093

Felix
Participant

Evan. Thank you. That was insanely inspirational.
I am interviewing right now. Mostly phone calls and some technical phone screening bs. My self confidence is beyond low. I have all these years of experience, but I can’t answer a simple question of something a user not able to log in because their profile is corrupted. It’s a stupid question and there are various issues which could cause that. I’ve resolved these issues a million time, but this millennial douchebag wants to sound smart over the phone and I feel like an idiot because I can’t answer his questions within 10 seconds… These are the things that make want to leave IT. The soulless people, the walking calculators, the vultures on the recruiting side. I am a very good person in terms of being decent to others. I don’t get mad at stupid shit. I don’t think that my work is me, but these people are making me feel like crap. I wish I had a year to study. I could really then show them that I can do all this stuff they want me to do. I am just lacking any type of self confidence right now. I feel like I has the dumb!

May 19, 2016 at 4:34 pm #105095

Evan
Participant

Hey Mnml,

As heart wrenching as what this is at the moment, know that you are not defined by what happens to you, but how you react.

I am self taught, and had for many years thought to myself I need certifications. It’s a recognised standard of understanding, and people will respect my talents, and knowledge and I can pick and choose you job. Funny thing is, as I go along, I see highly qualified people making complicated solutions that do not work efficiently, and need more IT skills and knowledge to maintain it.

I also see people refusing to to work ‘outside’ their training, even down to a basic level. Outright rejection to help and refine their skillsets.

Ask yourself why you started IT! You are a fantastic problem solver, enjoy a challenge, love to help people and experience/share the joy of a solution, intelligent inside and outside the proverbial box. Kind hearted, giving, compassionate toward others, enjoy helping wherever possible etc……

You are amazing! Believe it, know it!

So some tech talk now. Your Anxiety App V2.3 is in overdrive filling up your HDD with corrupt data. There is no space left in the Swap partition to process new data, so your CPU is limited to reprocessing what is already stored within.

We need to terminate the ‘process’ of the Anxiety App before it upgrades to V2.4.which also triggers the Guilt App V9.7

Time to open up your Self-Love App and upgrade it. Reinstall your Compassion-for-oneself App V15.1 and Download the “Space’ and ‘Breathing’ add-on for Inner-Peace App V.0000004

When you give yourself some space to ‘not-think’ for a bit, 5 breaths between emails, 1 breath before picking up the phone, 10 breaths walking up the office stairs (or relevant office distance), you will have a moment of clarity to start from.

It may take a while to know this internally, as your thoughts have such momentum at the moment, but trust me, it is there.

Your inner peace is there waiting 🙂

Your heart is patiently awaiting to be heard again.

Grab a cuppa, read this and breathe.

I love and accept myself right here, right now!

Best

Evan

May 19, 2016 at 4:41 pm #105097

Felix
Participant

= ))) You da man

I honestly don’t have anxiety and depression like I did before. My biggest problem is self confidence. I used to be so freaking confident. I got the jobs that I wanted and didn’t care that I didn’t know something. I always said that because I good general understanding of technology that if I don’t know something, it’s not because I don’t know it, but because I just haven’t worked with it. And I do love helping people. I just want someone to give me a chance. I fucked up before, but I am not looking back, only forward.
My parents did a great job on breaking my spirit and now it’s coming back to haunt me and manifests itself as lack of confidence and other negative factors.

May 19, 2016 at 5:09 pm #105098

Evan
Participant

Now we are talking! 🙂

Awesome summary by the way!

For me personally, as soon as I accepted that I make mistakes, and I am wrong about loads of stuff, etc…. then admitting “I don’t know, but will find a solution” came naturally with confidence once again. Like you, you have always found a solution, even if it resides in someone else’s head!

Your parents – yep. They are human, and make mistakes. Your choice is to forgive yourself, then them, leave it in the past, and learn to ‘un-learn’ what you accepted as true during those times of doubt.

I can sense you have already altered your direction some time back, self correcting back toward your true path already. Yes there are a few pebbles in the shoe, and somewhat painful, and we have plenty of time to chat about those.

I am really happy to have connected with you.

Touch base again later today – my inbox is active….. and…… breathe……

🙂

Best

Evan

May 20, 2016 at 4:32 am #105126
Kirk
Participant
My advice, change your situation. You are not happy where you are doing what you are doing. You said if you had a dream you could follow it but nothing comes to mind. If you had anything like a dream it would be living on an island helping dogs….thats a great start! I believe, intuitively, subconsciously, we know what would make us happy but our conscious mind gets in the way. It tells us , ‘thats not realistic, I cant really do that, or thats just a fantasy’.

The next step is to start analyzing this dream of being on an island helping dogs to see what about it really appeals to you. An island would suggest isolation, freedom, a removal from societal pressures. And helping dogs would suggest a desire to do good, to be of service at a very basic level. The fact that they are dogs perhaps suggests further your desire to have a healthy distance from people and the associated problems and pressures that they represent. All of these things are good, healthy desires. They are clues on your path to happiness. You’re only 38 and you have no children so you have no excuse not to follow your dreams. You simply require some introspection and the courage to follow up.

BTW, my parents are also from the USSR and it wasnt so good. My grandfather was taken away for talking about the USA, and my father along with millions of others risked their lives to come to America so we can have the freedom to follow our dreams. This was impossible in the old USSR, where you accepted your station in life or suffered the consequences. Best of luck. You have a desire in your heart ( you just have to define it ), you have your youth, and you have the freedom to pursue happiness. Go for it!
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Kirk.
May 23, 2016 at 10:39 am #105382

Anonymous
Inactive

Hey mnml,

I can relate to what you are feeling. I changed out of the IT path sometime ago and now am trying to build a new business after my third layoff since college. If there is an enemy to our soul’s it is worry and self-doubt. What you have to offer is more than just a response to a corrupt user profile. Don’t value yourself based on your skill or knowledge, what you are valuable for is the experience and the love that you bring to other people.

The best advice that I can give is that you work a side interest that gives your life meaning. Volunteer to help at a dog shelter. Become a part-time pet sitter for some extra income. Your job may never be fulfilling to you, there are parts of life that will ALWAYS be a grind. Putting your energy into your own “delicious suffering” will only get you more of the same. Put the energy, time, and love into something that brings you real meaning even if it never make a dime it will bear fruit for your soul.
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