Losing steam, uncertain of my course.

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This topic has 33 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

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May 8, 2021 at 11:17 am #379509

Anonymous
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You are very welcome, Boris1010. I wish you well and please do post again anytime you want to express yourself and receive input on any topic.

anita

May 8, 2021 at 1:42 pm #379523

Tee
Participant

Dear Boris1010,

you’re welcome, I am happy to have helped. It’s unfortunate that you haven’t felt protected by your mother, even though she didn’t criticize you herself. Maybe she didn’t want to get into conflict with your stepfather? My father was a little bit like that – he never attacked me or criticized me, but he didn’t defend me much either from my mother’s criticism, so I felt somewhat betrayed. He always tried to be a “peacemaker” and never took a stand, and never really stood up either for me or for himself, for that matter. Maybe your mother didn’t speak up for herself either?

It’s good you’re seeing yourself with new eyes and setting boundaries (I assume with your wife?) of what’s acceptable and what’s not. That’s a great progress, just keep at it!

As for your lady friend, I am not sure she ran away and disappeared because of you. You said that after she moved to another part of the country, she participated in the Zoom meetings for a while, and then she stopped that too. Probably she’d relapsed and felt ashamed to join… But she does have a sponsor now, so I guess she rejoined AA, perhaps with another group? I assume that if she wants help, she can get all the help and support she needs, so don’t blame yourself for her “jumping ship”.

May 8, 2021 at 5:04 pm #379537

Boris1010
Participant

Hi TeaK,

I think she didn’t do confrontation. She would shut down… it’s where I learned the behavior, I think.

She did relapse. Told me about it, then called her sponsor (after an absence of over two months), and started showing back up at Zoom meetings, once or twice a week. She never said much before, and that behavior still holds. She won’t ‘open up’ as I learned to do, very reticent and not forthcoming with much. I think she’ll stay there until she feels safe in opening up some. She isn’t ready to “drop the rock” yet.

She’s attended at least one in-person meeting locally, and is planning more. We’ll see. She did share these details at our meetings. Her abrupt relocation has elements of the so-called “geographical cure,” where you leave the mess behind and start fresh elsewhere. Only issue being, wherever you go, ‘there you are.’ Same person, same problems, new location. Just quit her job, threw some things in the car, and started driving West. She was still in contact with me along the way, and for awhile after she got there… then sent me a “dear John” email in early December. Didn’t hear from her for months, then she started with the Zoom meetings again. Makes it a point to greet our old ‘regulars’… everyone but me. So I’m definitely a problem of some kind for her. Not my problem now. I got the message, and am moving on. If she wants to get in contact, she knows how. I’m not holding my breath anymore.

I actually don’t really blame myself, not this time. I don’t see how I could have acted any differently, and stayed honest to myself and what I was feeling. Feels like a case of , ‘hey gave it my best, but it just didn’t work.’ I can live with that. it’s an honest failure, and a valuable lesson.

May 9, 2021 at 9:56 am #379554
Tee
Participant
Dear Boris1010,

good you’re seeing things clearly and don’t blame yourself for how things turned out with your AA friend. She probably doesn’t want to greet you because she’s afraid you might misunderstand it. She’s defending herself like that… But it’s great you got “unhooked” from her and are moving on. I imagine it gives you a sense of peace. You’ve learned your lesson – and the biggest lesson I believe is what you’ve learned about yourself.

I do wish you success in your journey ahead – small, but steady steps, and seeing yourself with new eyes. You’re talented, Boris, you actually write very well. You said you had nothing to say, but oh boy, you already said so much, and you’ve only just scratched the surface. Perhaps you discover writing as another passion of yours, beside figuring out mechanical systems 🙂

Wishing you all the best, and post whenever you feel the need!
- This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.
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